I've bought my in-laws zilch. AIBU?

[Guiltfestival]

I've just finished my Christmas cards and shopping. All my family have been bought for. All my friends and relatives have nice cards. I've baked for some of them. I've done absolutely nothing for my DH's family which make up PIL and adult, single siblings.

The reason I have said to my DH that I am not doing it anymore is because a little while ago my MIL was very disrespectful to me. FIL and his siblings follow her lead.I don't want to out myself so won't go into it but even my DH is really annoyed with her and pulled her up on it.

I told him to deal with his own family from now on. This means that they won't get nice cards on time, flowers on visits and presents on special occasions. We have to spend time with them over Christmas but if he doesn't get them anything I am going to feel awkward because they will buy our DC something. What I want is not to care but despite them obviously not giving two shiny ones about me, I have standards myself.

AIBU? How can I sit there and watch them open nothing and look massively disappointed or annoyed, even though they have never put themselves out for me even before DC.

I know I am coming across as a complete pushover. Honestly, if you knew me you would be really surprised. Someone once described me as the most assertive person they have ever met! I just find it hard with his family. I have no hesitation pulling my own family up on stuff.

Exactly what I've done this year! All my presents bought and wrapped, cards sent in post, nothing for them! DH can do it becuase they are his family and they only ever thank him after I spend ages finding stuff!

Haven't rtft but could you take your DC out and let them choose (with prompting) a present for each of their grandparents? Chocolates or a mug or something else small.

Has he bought anything for your parents?

YANBU - if they look upset, just turn and look at DH, acting all shocked and join in the outrage - "You mean you didn't buy your own mother a present???!!!"

If anyone says you should have done it just say "Oh No, DH said he wanted to do it from now on."

This x100

I was going to post exactly this but was beaten to it

Haven't rtft but could you take your DC out and let them choose (with prompting) a present for each of their grandparents? Chocolates or a mug or something else small

Or her DH could?

You need to get over your embarrassment that your husband won’t get them anything. If they’re disappointed what’s it got to do with you? As you’ve repeatedly been told, you’re not family, DH is.

Perhaps you can give me some advice... I detest my daughter’s partner with a vengeance for the way he treats my lovely daughter and granddaughters but I always buy him a Christmas and Birthday present because I would feel guilty if I left him out after buying for my three DILs whom I care for very much.
Should I leave him out?

Helendee I think you’ll alienate your daughter if you do that.

Me too this year, well done OP. I’ve also cut out all contact because I’m so ‘busy with new job’ and my Mums I’ll, I can’t do everything.

Should’ve said, we stillsee them but far less as Dh arranges it.

Diana ... yes I agree, that’s why I still buy for him. It’s worth it to keep the peace.

It's terrible of MIL to buy presents for DH (presumbly) and kids and leave her DIL out. That behaviour is not on and should not be rewarded by buying her presents.

DH can do what he wants but OP should should not buy them so much as a carrot.

No gifts from his siblings and one off your MIL in 20 years...well sounds like it's time for them to "open" the same nothing they give you every year.

HelenDee - if you want to get around it, maybe buy them a "joint" present, that would be more suitable for your DD but not too overtly so? That way you're not leaving him out, but not buying for him directly either.

even my DH is really annoyed with her and pulled her up on it.

So maybe it's not that he cba, he's made a conscious decision not to engage.

Your MiL treats you appallingly, your DH stands up for you - don't go against him. Why should you feel awful if they have nothing to open? Did they feel awful when you had nothing? (The answer is no.)

'Oh, I thought we weren't doing presents for adults - you didn't get anything for me as usual'