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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've bought my in-laws zilch. AIBU?

116 replies

Guiltfestival · 30/11/2018 12:14

I've just finished my Christmas cards and shopping. All my family have been bought for. All my friends and relatives have nice cards. I've baked for some of them. I've done absolutely nothing for my DH's family which make up PIL and adult, single siblings.

The reason I have said to my DH that I am not doing it anymore is because a little while ago my MIL was very disrespectful to me. FIL and his siblings follow her lead.I don't want to out myself so won't go into it but even my DH is really annoyed with her and pulled her up on it.

I told him to deal with his own family from now on. This means that they won't get nice cards on time, flowers on visits and presents on special occasions. We have to spend time with them over Christmas but if he doesn't get them anything I am going to feel awkward because they will buy our DC something. What I want is not to care but despite them obviously not giving two shiny ones about me, I have standards myself.

AIBU? How can I sit there and watch them open nothing and look massively disappointed or annoyed, even though they have never put themselves out for me even before DC.

I know I am coming across as a complete pushover. Honestly, if you knew me you would be really surprised. Someone once described me as the most assertive person they have ever met! I just find it hard with his family. I have no hesitation pulling my own family up on stuff.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 30/11/2018 13:56

They're idiots aren't they? They've really shot themselves in the foot. I'll never understand why people are like this. My inlaws have tendencies this way. Not very nice.

MorrisZapp · 30/11/2018 13:56

Pa ha ha ha ha! I'm laughing at the poster who said dh needs training on this part of the job :)

It's choosing a gift for his own mum and dad!! God are some of you married to actual children?

'treat everyone the same' ok, by buying them nothing, like men do?

Comedy gold.

BigWiggler · 30/11/2018 13:57

Don't feel guilty, not your problem.
I used to do cards and gifts for my inlaws all the time. I've always put a lot of thought into gifts and cards. My inlaws have treated me terribly, and I finally had enough about 5 years ago. I told DH, his family his problem, I was resigning from that duty.
They pretty much get fuck all now, DH sometimes remembers his mothers or siblings birthdays. No presents.
When it comes to my inlaws they are reaping what they have sown.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 30/11/2018 14:02

I wouldn’t even bother seeing them!

Heartofglass12345 · 30/11/2018 14:03

Enabling husbands to act like children again! He can buy presents for his own family! I buy for my mum, niece and nephew and sisters. He buys for his parents and nephews, although if I see something I think his nephews would like I show him as they're around the same age as our boys. It's not your fault if he buys his family crap presents, and say that to them if they say anything to you!

Evilspiritgin · 30/11/2018 14:05

I know someone who stopped buying hermil presents over something stupid, she was first in the cue when her mil died so obviously didn’t mean it

Cornishclio · 30/11/2018 14:12

I don’t understand all this ‘my family, his family’. Surely when you marry the two merge together.
Just treat everyone the same

No, that hardly ever works. I don't think I bought my MIL one Christmas or Birthday gift when she was alive unless I particularly saw something I thought she would like. My husband did little enough towards present and card buying as it was and I ended up doing it all so buying for me and his mum was the least he could do. I got on ok with her though but she was his mum not mine.

I am betting your husband is the same OP in that he does very little in the way of Christmas shopping. Buying for his family should be his responsibility. Who are these women who insist on infantilising their husbands and let them get away with doing nothing while their "women" run around doing everything. This is the second thread on here today about essentially lazy husbands and some posters say let them get away with it. Don't worry about it OP and no need to feel awkward. Just say that their son forgot to get them presents and that should put the cat among the pigeons.

twoshedsjackson · 30/11/2018 14:13

As PP's have pointed out, it's not as if you've sprung this on him; still three weeks to go. By all means offer helpful suggestions if it's a change in routine; he may need to adjust; he's not the one you have a problem with, so spare him the collateral damage (but make it clear that this is only "transitional", no good doing "bewildered" in future.)
But your "helpful" suggestions could be wildly unsuitable, or given in a cause she despises; if you've known her this long, you must have a good working knowledge of her other prejudices besides being against your existence.

Helendee · 30/11/2018 14:51

I’m so grateful I have the family I do!

SoyDora · 30/11/2018 14:53

And I’m so grateful I have a DH who doesn’t blame being male on being unable to buy presents for his loved ones! He buys great presents for me, and for his family.

MillicentSnitch · 30/11/2018 15:08

I don't buy anything for my DP's family because I think he should make an effort & do it. But because he is so utterly crap at it, I save ideas for his nicer, more thoughtful relatives in my Pinterest as they occur to me, so that when he's totally stuck I can just open it up & let him take it from there. With his relatives who make zero effort towards me, I save nothing in Pinterest & when he says 'I'm just going to buy them a bottle of wine,' or whatever, I just say 'Good idea'.

Mammylamb · 30/11/2018 15:22

What’s really pissing me off on this thread is that it appears to be a women’s job to buy the presents. Ffs many of us work full time or have sahds as partners. But when it comes to wife work then we women are still expected to take it on

Failingat40 · 30/11/2018 15:48

Yes apparently if you have a penis, and a wife/girlfriend you are not expected to send the cards, gifts or wrap plan anything.

Only people with vaginas are responsible to do those things. Oh and the thank you cards, even his great Aunt Peggy wouldn't expect him to have to organise a thank you.

Be sure though that if one doesn't arrive, it's the vagina owners fault. So selfish and thoughtlessly rude of her...Hmm

Sigh.

This is the first year I'm not buying for in-laws. I don't want anything in return either. I just don't know how to broach it...

AngelsSins · 30/11/2018 15:48

I never have and never will buy and sort gifts for my partners family, why would I? Are men ever expected to do it for their in laws?

dancerdog · 30/11/2018 15:57

For me it was the cards for Husband's friends at Christmas. I was embarrassed that we got cards from his friends, so I added them to my list. This went on for few years then I told him to write his own. He did a few times, then stopped. I have not re-started.

Also pretty sure that the cards we get from his friends are written by the female partners.

Birdsgottafly · 30/11/2018 16:06

I would have been really upset as a child if I had nothing to give my Nan and Grandad.

So I don't understand why you wouldn't get gifts from your children and help them to make a card.

It isn't great what you are teaching your children. You've decided to still go there and let the children to get gifts, without giving.

We don't do Adult presents and I won't be guilt tripped into buying for wider Family. So it's not all about the gifts, for me by any means.

MorrisZapp · 30/11/2018 16:45

It doesn't make any difference if the gifts are 'from the kids', it's his family. He can do the admin.

recovery18 · 30/11/2018 16:53

It isn't great what you are teaching your children. You've decided to still go there and let the children to get gifts, without giving.

Again - is the DH completely absolved of any responsibility with regards to this - for his own bloody family - on account of his being menfolk?

I despair!

SoyDora · 30/11/2018 17:01

No, it isn’t great what her DH is teaching their children.

Naturalspirit82 · 30/11/2018 18:30

“I would have been really upset as a child if I had nothing to give my Nan and Grandad”
I agree - get the old bag a bottle vodka from the kids - she be asleep straight after dinner!!!! (Can anyone detect my MIL is not to be desired)

ILoveHumanity · 30/11/2018 18:33

Get her a mug with ur kids on it.

Just be an ambassador for their relationship with ur kids that’s it

LuvSmallDogs · 30/11/2018 18:58

I started leaving DH’s side of the family’s Xmas/Bday down to him a few years back.

It was driving me mad - I’d remind him (for instance) of his mum’s bday well in advance, ask if he wanted me to get something (so as not to be running round the High St last minute), “no no babe, I want to get the card and prezzie”. I’d remind him a few more times, then last minute “oh shit babe it’s my mum’s bday, can you go get a card and prezzie while I’m at work?”

KatharinaRosalie · 30/11/2018 19:00

What's the fun in getting a present from a grandchild if you know they have not put any thought in it and it's simply something their mum picked and wrapped?

ILoveHumanity · 30/11/2018 19:02

katharina I guess it’s just that security for eandoarents to feel like they will have a relationship with their gc one day despite their bad blood with their mother.

She doesn’t owe them that. But that’s if she wants to be the bigger person

ILoveHumanity · 30/11/2018 19:02

Grandparents *