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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've bought my in-laws zilch. AIBU?

116 replies

Guiltfestival · 30/11/2018 12:14

I've just finished my Christmas cards and shopping. All my family have been bought for. All my friends and relatives have nice cards. I've baked for some of them. I've done absolutely nothing for my DH's family which make up PIL and adult, single siblings.

The reason I have said to my DH that I am not doing it anymore is because a little while ago my MIL was very disrespectful to me. FIL and his siblings follow her lead.I don't want to out myself so won't go into it but even my DH is really annoyed with her and pulled her up on it.

I told him to deal with his own family from now on. This means that they won't get nice cards on time, flowers on visits and presents on special occasions. We have to spend time with them over Christmas but if he doesn't get them anything I am going to feel awkward because they will buy our DC something. What I want is not to care but despite them obviously not giving two shiny ones about me, I have standards myself.

AIBU? How can I sit there and watch them open nothing and look massively disappointed or annoyed, even though they have never put themselves out for me even before DC.

I know I am coming across as a complete pushover. Honestly, if you knew me you would be really surprised. Someone once described me as the most assertive person they have ever met! I just find it hard with his family. I have no hesitation pulling my own family up on stuff.

OP posts:
ILoveHumanity · 30/11/2018 12:45

Op, I hear you.

I’m in same position as you but feeling too scared to not buy them gifts... because I will get the blame.

If you managed to free urself from such guilt/Obligation pressure then you are ahead of the game.

To the pp saying she doesn’t get this his family,my family...

Clearly if you read the OP you will see why. They’re not treating her as one of them so she doesn’t owe that back to them.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 30/11/2018 12:45

I think you've been reasonable. You could always buy a rather meh, fairly cheap box of chocs - from household/shared funds NOT your own money if you really don't want to turn up empty handed (this is where the pound shop come in handy) to see them... but I wouldn't bother from the sound of them. DPs family, DPs job. And his job to explain to mil why neither of you are stirring stumps to make an effort. Reap what you sew and all that...

Hoppinggreen · 30/11/2018 12:45

I’m currently not speaking to my in laws and I have told DH that any arrangements are to be made by him
I have bought them presents to help him out and I don’t mind but he will need to arrange to deliver them and collect ours, I’m having noth8nb to do with it
I’ve also told him he needs to make any arrangements to see them so we haven’t seen them for ages. I’m progetting the blame but I don’t give a shit

krustykittens · 30/11/2018 12:46

I do agree that when you are married that families should merge and all be treated the same. I tried when I was first married to buy gifts for my in-laws and mark special occasions, but I was never thanked and the only time I heard Christmas presents mentioned was if they moaned about them. So I stopped and told my DH to sort them out as they are his family. If I had felt included as a member of the family I wouldn't have thought twice about treating them the same as my family but they have kept me at arms length so I do the same. OP, if you feel like there is genuine distance between you, it is not unreasonable not to bother. If they don't like the gifts they get, they can talk to your son. I am sure he will have no trouble pointing out that their own behaviour has led to these consequences.

ILoveHumanity · 30/11/2018 12:47

My mil buys me gifts and is v rude duringly. She just sees it as an obligation to make her son happy.

It gets on my nerves... I end up doing the same back

But it’s so fake and unpleasant. Toxic gift giving and receieving dynamic.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/11/2018 12:48

Just treat everyone the same
Yes, you see so many posts on men's message boards about what to buy to their wife's great aunt and what card to send to her second cousin.

Helendee · 30/11/2018 12:48

I guess that by saying that his family are his responsibility it means that the man’s family are not accepted as being part of the woman’s family?
That’s sad, we are a mixed family and just treat everyone the same.

Piffle11 · 30/11/2018 12:49

Can your DH contact them and say no gifts this year? My MIL used to buy us some batshit stuff and it got to the point where it was making me more pissed off having the gift than it would have if I'd received nothing, IYSWIM. So we said no more adult gifts. I think they were pretty relieved too.

Helendee · 30/11/2018 12:50

Katharine Rosalie
I was waiting for a comment like this. Men are totally different from women when it comes to present buying and giving so there is no point in comparing them.

ILoveHumanity · 30/11/2018 12:50

katharina exactly !

Helena count yourself b lucky. I absolutely envy the fact you are able to be one big family.

Many of us are hurt that we aren’t able to do that. It’s not an obligation but an act of kindness that most of us would’ve loved ... if it was received well!

theworldistoosmall · 30/11/2018 12:51

So he knows that it's him buying for his family?
He's still got nearly 3 weeks to get them something.
If they have nothing to open it's down to him.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 12:53

I buy my inlaws their parents when I'm buying everyone else's. DH doesn't have a lot of spare time and I have loads. I'm better at choosing appropriate presents for people.

Why wouldn't I help DH out? We're a team, he helps me out in many other ways, buying his family their presents helps him. It's no biggie in the grand scheme of things.

BrendasUmbrella · 30/11/2018 12:54

So your DH knows you're no longer buying for them. Is there a reason he won't bother? If it's that he wants to back you up, then let him. If it's that he's lazy/thoughtless, then let him be embarrassed at Christmas. If they only buy for your child and not you, there's no reason to buy them anything anyway.

I don’t understand all this ‘my family, his family’. Surely when you marry the two merge together. Just treat everyone the same

And I don't understand why the women are left to do all of it. Treatign everyone the same should extend to men getting off their lazy arses to participate.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/11/2018 12:56

Men are totally different from women when it comes to present buying and giving

In what way exactly are they totally diffferent? Can't buy gifts because penis?
If you mean that it's only women who are judged for not doing the mental load of relationship management, incluing cards and gifts, then yes sure, the sexism is indeed there.

Poodles1980 · 30/11/2018 12:57

I’m the same. I buy them presents every year and his whole family never get me anything. This year I am not bothering and if dh wants to do something he can spend his own money on them because they are getting nothing bought from our joint account.
Oh I remember my mil got me a bottle of vodka once because she knows I like to drink. I don’t drink vodka I barely drink alcohol but because they are tea total they judge meGrin

Original poster
Guiltfestival · 30/11/2018 12:58

I have actually gone out of my way to include my MIL very much over the years but I may as well have been banging my head against a brick wall. I do believe that his family should be my family and I have treated them like this.

OK, so back story is that MIL has on many occasions told me "you are not family" and the other one she likes to tell me is "what you do is nothing to do with me". I've let it go over the years, but it is now death by a thousand cuts. This year she seems to have ramped it up or I seem to have reached my credit limit with it all. I just can't be arsed with it any more. I've stopped physically doing things for them and need my brain to follow by not giving it headspace.

OP posts:
Howtodeal · 30/11/2018 12:59

Same here, DH has always 'bought' for his side of the family, which usually means they get nothing or it's something he's bought last minute from Tesco and cards are pretty much always late. He has never expected me to do it but I'm fairly sure it's me that gets criticized behind the scenes by his family!!

If you're going to have to spend the day with them I would make bloody sure DH gets them something, even if it's a supermarket gift set. It will be much harder for them to be rude / complain if they've been given a gift of some sort as it just makes them look ungrateful. Getting nothing at all will make them feel justified in moaning about it.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 30/11/2018 13:00

@HoppingGreen same here!

I don't make any effort with MIL now, it's DH's task. He's more than welcome to go there and take DD whenever he wants and he arranges, but I will not be going!

BrendasUmbrella · 30/11/2018 13:00

Men are totally different from women when it comes to present buying and giving so there is no point in comparing them.

No offence, but bollocks. It's entirely social conditioning that works in their favour, along with the "Isn't he good to babysit the kids for you" bollocks and the "Oops don't let him do the washing up for you, he'll smash something" bollocks. Men have all the necessary components for gift choosing and giving, women don't have anything extra. It's just seen as wifework, trivial and beneath "real" men to do it.

ILoveHumanity · 30/11/2018 13:00

“Dear mil, this year I decided to buy gifts only for people who consider me family”

HollowTalk · 30/11/2018 13:00

Oh come on, anyone who says those things shouldn't be given a gift from you!

Does she buy you a present?

G5000 · 30/11/2018 13:01

When DH and I first got married, MIL started sending me messages about the birthday of this and that, clearly expecting me to sort the cards and presents. I figured that either
a) DH has managed to do it until now, in which case he can continue as before
or
b) he has not done anything so far, so why the heck should I start allocating headspace and energy into sending cards to great uncle Roland whom I have never met in my life?

Yes there's probably some judging, but I find judging easier to manage than all the wifework.

ILoveHumanity · 30/11/2018 13:02

guiltfestival

I’m angry on ur behalf.

But then again last year I told sil that she wasn’t family too 😂 because she was forcing herself into my daily life yet was not treating me like I am part of hers.

SoyDora · 30/11/2018 13:03

Men are totally different from women when it comes to present buying and giving so there is no point in comparing them

Why? What is different between men and women biologically which means women are inherently better at buying presents?

Bullshit.

recovery18 · 30/11/2018 13:03

YANBU - if they look upset, just turn and look at DH, acting all shocked and join in the outrage - "You mean you didn't buy your own mother a present???!!!"

If anyone says you should have done it just say "Oh No, DH said he wanted to do it from now on."

Agree with PP it is wifework and unless DH has some kind of special issue, other than a penis, that affects his ability to go to shops or access online shopping, he is totally at fault here.