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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've bought my in-laws zilch. AIBU?

116 replies

Guiltfestival · 30/11/2018 12:14

I've just finished my Christmas cards and shopping. All my family have been bought for. All my friends and relatives have nice cards. I've baked for some of them. I've done absolutely nothing for my DH's family which make up PIL and adult, single siblings.

The reason I have said to my DH that I am not doing it anymore is because a little while ago my MIL was very disrespectful to me. FIL and his siblings follow her lead.I don't want to out myself so won't go into it but even my DH is really annoyed with her and pulled her up on it.

I told him to deal with his own family from now on. This means that they won't get nice cards on time, flowers on visits and presents on special occasions. We have to spend time with them over Christmas but if he doesn't get them anything I am going to feel awkward because they will buy our DC something. What I want is not to care but despite them obviously not giving two shiny ones about me, I have standards myself.

AIBU? How can I sit there and watch them open nothing and look massively disappointed or annoyed, even though they have never put themselves out for me even before DC.

I know I am coming across as a complete pushover. Honestly, if you knew me you would be really surprised. Someone once described me as the most assertive person they have ever met! I just find it hard with his family. I have no hesitation pulling my own family up on stuff.

OP posts:

SusanChurchouse · 30/11/2018 13:07

I like my in laws but it’s not my job to sort their gifts, it’s my husband’s. He sorted it for years before we married, I don’t see why it becomes my job now we’re married. He knows them better, so is therefore better placed to choose something appropriate. I’ll suggest stuff if I see it but the buying, sending, wrapping etc all his job.

Original poster

Guiltfestival · 30/11/2018 13:07

Hollowtalk

1 present off MIL in 20 years and I've never, ever received a gift from his adult siblings.

I know reading this back seems bonkers. But I am so used to this after 20 years that it feels normal. My expectations were zero, but MIL managed to stoop even below that.

OP posts:

LizzieBennettDarcy · 30/11/2018 13:08

I'd buy gifts to keep the peace with your DH but not ones with any thought to them. Something like a crappy bath set that Boots sell by the milllion and doesn't take up any head space.

IsobelKarev · 30/11/2018 13:08

Men are totally different from women when it comes to present buying and giving so there is no point in comparing them

Some men are shit at buying gifts. Some women are. I don't agree that there is something innate about it. Single men manage to not alienate their families with crap gifts, so I'm not sure why it would change once married. DP has always bought his family's gifts and he continues to do so now he's in a relationship.

BlackrockMum · 30/11/2018 13:09

you say you are assertive, so assert yourself with dh tell him he must have a gift if that's the norm, what you usually do, that he knows why you are not getting involved but HE is not to make the situation worse by making you both show up empty handed, then buy a nice box of biscuits or a ponsettea as an emergency present at home in case someone you don't expect arrives ,and you can always bring it to inlaws in case he forgets someone,

HavelockVetinari · 30/11/2018 13:09

Well, if MIL asks why she's not got a present look baffled and say "well, you're not family so I assumed you wouldn't expect one".

silkpyjamasallday · 30/11/2018 13:10

I have the very fortunate situation that my in laws don't do presents and do a charity donation instead, so no faffing for them on our part. I wouldn't be sorting it out for DP if they did exchange gifts though, he can do that himself and knows them better than I do.

RisingGround · 30/11/2018 13:15

I don't buy anything for my MIL and haven't done so since the first year DH & I got together. She was rude about the present I gave her, and so I left it to DH to get his mother's presents ever after that.

We always send her a card and the present DH has bought her, and always remember her birthday, too. She never sends me a card or present. At first it upset me, then I thought why waste an emotion on the witch. Fuck her.

KeepTheBloodyNoiseDown · 30/11/2018 13:15

I buy all the Christmas gifts from me and dp, because he works long hours and I don’t, and because I love Christmas/ shopping/ choosing gifts and he finds it stressful, so it makes sense for us. In your situation there’s no way I would be buying for pil.

You have reminded me of my mils birthday years ago. Me and dp had only just started living together so would have been about 20, and he forgot to buy her a birthday present. She made a point of bringing it up every time we saw them, but would always look at me while she said it.

Sausagerollers · 30/11/2018 13:15

Buy them a charity goat. Best way to gift & not-gift simultaneously & you have the " you're such a charitable person, I knew you'd love it" (fake smile) reason to fall back on.

How2Help · 30/11/2018 13:19

I was waiting for a comment like this. Men are totally different from women when it comes to present buying and giving so there is no point in comparing them.

This is true in my house. My husband is thoughtful, creative and generally brilliant at choosing gifts. I’m rubbish. He does his family, they get great presents. I do my family, they get mediocre presents.

What’s not true is that the difference is that men are rubbish at presents and therefore off the hook with all if this.

Ngaio2 · 30/11/2018 13:21

Send your last Christmas card with a note saying that up until this year you have taken responsibility for gift buying for DH’s family but now the responsibility has been handed back to DH. And leave it at that.
Or make a donation to charity in their name so you can tell her you bought her a goat, clean water, menstrual supplies or have spayed a cat , tree for a woodland cemetery — whatever worthy cause you feel she will least appreciate. In fact you could have a great deal of fun doing this
Good luck

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/11/2018 13:26

Really, your conditioning is giving you the pre-guilts!

They've treated you like shit, they've told you that you're "not family" so you are under zero obligation to buy them anything or do anything for them! If they say anything at all, remind them that they've told you so often that you're not family that you're following through with that and that your DH is the one who should have got them stuff.

I would tell/remind him that you're doing nothing for their Christmas - then it's up to him to pull his finger out, or not.

BUT - if your DC are of an age and normally give their rellies presents, then I might consider facilitating that, just because I wouldn't want the DC to be upset.

Other than that, they can swivel before they get anything off you!

Pinkblanket · 30/11/2018 13:28

Yep, I'm the mediocre present giver in our house. Not my husband.

Huntawaymama · 30/11/2018 13:30

I treat everyone the same. I buy all gifts apart from MIL. I drag my husband to a garden centre and he chooses something for her. He hates shopping but I know his mum really appreciates that he bought something he'd thought of all by himself (no mention of the dragging part)

Jengnr · 30/11/2018 13:31

I buy for my side, husband for his. It’s nothing to do with whose family it is, I love them dearly and certainly see them as my family.

It’s division of labour, pure and simple.

problembottom · 30/11/2018 13:33

Being male means being rubbish at buying presents? Er no, being selfish and lazy can apply to men or women. DP is just as capable of buying Christmas presents for his family as I am for mine. We help each other out with ideas - he's great at books for my dad, I'm ace at gifts for his mum - but taking responsibility? No.

You need to make it clear your DH is in charge of present buying on the day if he doesn't bother and don't feel guilty in the slightest, especially given how awful your MIL sounds.

magoria · 30/11/2018 13:39

Sod any of this. You told him you will no longer do it. Don't.

Surprisingly Christmas day is 25th December every year.

If he wanted to get them presents he would.

His family don't consider you family and don't buy for you. Don't waste time or head space on them. Don't be embarrassed they are not everytime you have given them something thoughtful and got nothing in return for 20 years.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/11/2018 13:45

Wait, what - MIL is openly rude, tells you you're not family and they do not get you presents despite you buying for them for many years.

You would be very, very unreasonable if you bought them anything, ever.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 30/11/2018 13:47

Being male doesn't mean you're rubbish at buying gifts or remembering to. My DH has bought me some beautiful gifts over the years and always remembers my birthday, but for some reason, can't be bothered to do it for his mum, dad, uncles and so on.

MulticolourMophead · 30/11/2018 13:47

I was waiting for a comment like this. Men are totally different from women when it comes to present buying and giving so there is no point in comparing them.

That's bullshit. They're equally capable of doing this, they simply CBA and leave it to women, courtesy of our society's conditioning that this "wifework" should always fall to the women. I've come across many men who are pretty good at gifts and cards.

ScrantonTheElectricCity · 30/11/2018 13:50

What does your DH say about the way his mother treats you?
Does he stand up for you?

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 30/11/2018 13:54

Fucking Wifework. Reading your updates YANBU.

Naturalspirit82 · 30/11/2018 13:54

I want to know why we even have to visit mean MILs at Christmas? Surely a quick visit in the summer should be enough for the year? (Why spoil such a festive time of year??) x x

flumpybear · 30/11/2018 13:55

Fuck that! Just let them give your kids gifts - you aren't your grandchildren so there's no reciprocity needed here, they're buying for kids ... their grand kids

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