Mother of god I'm seriously going to lose my shit

[imgoingtoloosemymind]

Help help help

I have an 8 year old dd who is amazingly bright and whom I love with every fibre of my being. She is my whole world. But fuck I'm so fucking frustrated with her.
She does. Not. Fucking. Listen. To. Me.

It can be anything... DD can you please bring XYZ downstairs?
She will lift X and Y, and walk past Z. I'll remind her 3 times. She'll still forget.

Last week we were in the kitchen. She was reaching for a glass in the cupboard. I could see that she was going to knock it flying.
I asked her 4 times... 4.... stop... step back and be careful. Did she listen? No! She knocked the glass over and 2 others with it. Smashed all over the counter top.

We are sitting watching telly this evening. She's drinking lemonade from quite a thin wine glass style tumbler. I noticed she was tapping it with her teeth. 3 times I had to ask her to stop doing it. 3 times. Next thing I looked and the glass is in about 5 pieces in her hand. She done exactly as predicted and broke the glass with her teeth!!! Thankfully she wasn't hurt.

I'm beside myself with frustration.

When we are with family or out and about she will need to be told the same thing 4 and 5 times. It's so tedious and it's wearing me down.

She is otherwise bright, popular, funny, creative, kind etc. But she will not fucking listen to me. Help! Any ideas?

I don't even know what my aibu is... maybe it's aibu to fucking run to the moon???? 😫😫😫

I haven't rtft so apologies if I'm repeating.

You could try 'concept / instruction checking questions'. Basically instead of asking 'do you understand?' or 'are you listening to me?' or 'did you hear that?' you rephrase your question to elicit some kind of answer that will demonstrate that she has in fact listened & understood.

E.g can you bring xyz downstairs? (yes!) how many things are you bringing and where will I find them?

@whatsnewchoochoo

In my personal experience I'm glad I didn't have a diagnosis any younger. I felt different enough, but wasn't particularly aware that my feeling different was anything other than the way all kids/teens feel. It's normal to feel a bit out of place, I think. Being unaware actually helped in a way, because I was forced to adjust and accommodate. Was really hard for me to do that, and I'm still not very good at it sometimes, but for me personally, having a label as a teen would have made me feel more isolated. As it was, I was largely unaware of my social faux pas and bumbled my way through, which had given me valuable ways to cope, as well as a fairly interesting take on things.

The risk there is that not having a diagnosis could lead to mental health problems from the strain of masking and ‘learning to cope’ - its a sink or swim tactic.

I can only speak for autism because that’s what I have and am in many groups for. Autistic females in particular, who are undiagnosed, are at very high risk of not only depression and anxiety but also indulging in risky behaviours - sexual, drug taking, etc. Just recently there was a discussion in a Facebook group I am in for autistic adults, the vast majority of the women there who were undiagnosed until adult years, had traumatic stories from their teens years. I’m not talking standard ‘not fitting in’ here, I’m talking trauma.

To me, it makes logical sense that children who are undiagnosed (for anything, not just autism) and therefore struggling with a sense of self worth, struggling to keep everything together during the already stressful teen years, are at higher risk of running into big problems. Having a diagnosis and learning skills to cope as a child seems to be (anecdotally, from knowing people diagnosed as a child) a good way of bolstering self esteem.

Definitely diagnosis as an adult can be traumatic - I guess I would tend to believe that is because it forces you to address things like how you were parented. If you’ve spent years in FOG thinking oh they just did their best, I was the difficult one, it can be very painful to have that turned on it’s head and think no actually it wasn’t my fault. They just couldn’t handle me. Past relationships can go through a similar evaluation - he took advantage of my vulnerability, etc.

I don’t think it usually affects children in the same way.

This thread is very interesting... and enlightening. My fil definitely has a lot of autistic traits, which leads me to believe he is probably on the spectrum.

I’ve been seeing more and more traits of my fil in my dh as he ages. I know a little about autism and sensory issues but it never occurred to me to think about dh perhaps being on the spectrum. However a friend recently told me she thinks perhaps my Dh is.

The more I read this thread in relation to my dh the more I think she’s correct. My frustration with not being heard and not being able to follow a string of requests is making a lot of sense.

In our house we don’t use glasses everyday. We use acrylic tumblers.

As for whether or not your dd has additional needs, I don’t understand posters saying not to diagnose over the Internet. I don’t think this is what is happening here. And for the moment it’s more important to get some strategies in place to deal with the immediate situation. I hope you find some of these suggestions useful.

My Ds1 is a bit like this - quite early on I realised he was a 4x repeater as well - he needs to be told everything 4x before it achieves anything. So often, I'll just say things 4x in quick succession - he usually realises he's being spoken to on no.2, starts to tune in on no.3 and eventually "gets it" on no.4.

Another useful tactic is to frame everything in positive language - instead of saying "Don't do X", try to use "Do Y" instead. The brain doesn't hear "don't" until after it hears the action - so if you say "Don't touch that", the brain will process "touch that" first and then "don't", by which time they've probably touched and broken "that".

So yes - "put the glass down" is going to work better than "stop chewing it". "Walk away from the cupboard NOW" is going to work better than "Don't pull the glasses over..."

She may or may not have ADHD, processing disorder, dyspraxia, working memory issues (my DS1 doesn't) - but finding out what her "repeater number" is, and framing instructions in positive language, should work better for her whatever.

Have you had her hearing tested? Loads of kids are thought of an not listening when actually they're not hearing - glue ear for example is really common in kids. Worth getting her ears tested in case

Have you had her hearing tested? Lots of children are seen as 'not listening' when actually they're 'not hearing'. Glue ear for example is really common in kids, and if you're having to SHOUT for her to listen/react that could be a reason too. Has her behaviour gone off too at school, is she turning the tv up etc?
Worth looking into - yes there are all sorts of other reasons but as a Teacher of the Deaf that was my first thought xx

Not listening is the one thing that drives me up the wall! It’s definitely not his hearing because when you’re having a conversation and you think he’s not paying any attention he’ll just chip in every so often. It’s the specific instructions to him that just get totally ignored and it’s infutiating! Often to get him to register anything means I have to either shout at the top of my voice (which I absolutely hate) or holding him with both hands and getting right in his face. He is 4 so whether or not this is just normal 4yo behaviour I don’t know but I still sympathise with you OP and wish I had a useful suggestion!

One of the lightbulb moments for me was with a glass actually. We had some pretty plastic glasses for the kids with fish on them and DD knocked one over almost every meal. Then I bought some smaller glasses - that cheap heavy arcoroc type of glass you get with school dinners. It's gone from 4-5 spillages a week to 1 in the last 4 months. You have to work with what you have, not with what you feel they ought to manage.

Referencing a diagnosis - I had an unpleasant experience with a GP who accused me of wanting to "label" my DD - it was even more awful as she was normally lovely and supportive. But once I got the dyspraxia diagnosis, things got so much better - and I stopped being as wound up as well. I can't quite explain why. Both sets of grandparents spent time explaining to me that everyone was like that after the diagnosis though

The thing is, saying my DD is very similar and has dyspraxia isn't the same as trying to diagnose the OP's daughter via the internet. It's to let her know that her daughter might not be able to help doing it, and offer some strategies which may help whether or not there are any issues.

As the parent of child with a diagnosis, I remember wondering is this behaviour usual? Is this what all children are like? Will she grow out of it? I was told 'oh it's just kids being kids' by friends which actually isn't helpful, especially when their children were able to listen and follow instructions with ease... If the parent thinks something is up then they should trust their instincts. (Not saying you think there is anything up OP.)

In Dd's case she is delighted that she has a diagnosis. There's a reason she struggles with different things and excellent at others. I'm delighted too, she's happier and I am much more patient!

I worked in a class of 6-8 yo for a few terms - frankly, saying things 10 times was the norm.

My 6yo DD is a distracted clutz but I try not to draw attention to it for fear of making her feel she IS clumsy. (My DM labelled me clumsy and it's not a nice feeling because I then questioned my actions instead of being confident).

My 8yo DS is similar and, I have come to realise when he's not listening. Something as simple as a hand touch or hand on the shoulder when I speak helps him concentrate on my words. Other times, he just doesn't listen, the bad thing happens, and so I now refrain from hammering home how he didn't listen etc. Kids just hear the negative tone and don't see the full chain of events like us.

I could say the same thing in a calm tone 4 times and she ignores ... I can't just fucking yell every time I need her to listen to me. It's really exhausting

Not surprised!! Too many warnings. Warn twice, physically move her/remove the glass. Why keep going until she breaks something? The teeth on glass is dangerous, she could have cut herself!!

I'm pretty sure my adult DD has ADD: every time she's done an online test she's at the top of the scale. She's gone through the whole of her education without a diagnosis and suffered massively with anxiety in the last year or so. Plus she's come to the realisation that the career she has trained in a degree for is not ever going to work for her. Being more realistic and aware of her strengths and weaknesses has helped her decide what to do moving forward though.

But yes, I've looked again at my DH. All the nagging I've done over the years about him being flaky and not listening to what I'm telling him, forgetting instructions and constantly mislaying stuff, I've realised that he's like DD and honestly can't help it. DH is very successful though; looking at the kind of career that has worked for him has helped DD plan her future.

Not surprised!! Too many warnings. Warn twice, physically move her/remove the glass. Why keep going until she breaks something?

Exactly.

My 12 year old was lik e that from age 6 to now, she’s finally started acting normal.
My 7 year old has just started acting the same, I’m hoping she comes out of it at 12 too.
Otherwise it’s a smack on the bum when she doesn’t listen.

Thank you for sharing that understanding with me @iwantmyhat

This could literally be my 11yr old DD! She is the most loving, caring and sensitive child I've ever known, but boy does she stress me out, her lack of focus on anything also causes many arguments between her and her big sister who is 16, some days I feel more like a refere than a mum! She has been diagnosed dyslexic, but after reading many of these posts I think I will be pushing for another visit from the Ed psych, just to make sure that there is nothing else going on. I hope you get some answers, and some peace xx

My eightEEN year old does this and it drives me insane!

XBox... 24/7 = brain death

Not sure smacking's the answer

Hi,
I'm a speech pathologist and I agree with others on here who say get your daughter checked out. If only to rule out a clinical problem. Ask at your school - they should have speech and language therapists and educational psychologists there. First thing they'll probably ask is for you to get her hearing checked. The teachers may have picked this up too.

If the waiting lists are too long - get on the RCSLT website (Royal College of Speech and Language Therapists) to find a private therapist in your area. Speech paths look at all communication problems including auditory processing problems, attention and listening etc. but school would be a good first step as they'll allow you access to a team.

Best of luck - I'd help if I could but I'm not in UK.

Sorry not to read the whole thread but I thought instantly ‘I bet my mother could have written that about me’ and then ‘that’s just like my husband’. I have dyslexia and dyspraxia and my husband (in his forties) has just discovered he has ADHD. He drives me crazy - I do have to say everything four or five times and he doesn’t hear any of it anyway. I have a very ‘selective’ attention span. There is nothing I can do but I know my Mum found that hard to understand. Husband has spent his whole life being told he was lazy, useless and vague and having things done for him because it was easier than explaining things to him so he never learnt any coping strategies at all. Of course it could just be a stage and she might have her mind on other things that are important to her and perhaps her development right now. It does sound infuriating but I imagine it is more about her than about you if that helps at all. I mean it’s totally possible that you are doing everything right and communicating clearly and she might just not be able to process it for a number of reasons some of which she could grow out of and some of which she will learn to deal with with help.

Oh just to add for me I would never be able to hold onto an instruction which involved three steps (your x y z example) not as a child or now - I just don’t hear all three no matter how many times they are repeated if they are repeated in the same order and possibly not at all.
Some people have mentioned touching - I know my daughter will not hear my instruction if I don’t focus her attention on me so I will make sure I have eye contact which often means touching her on both shoulders and asking her to look at me and listen in a quiet reaaallly calm firm voice. She is 3 and doesn’t stand still - could be being 3 or ADHD! Have to make sure husband is making eye contact if I want him to listen to anything at all too.