Mother of god I'm seriously going to lose my shit

[imgoingtoloosemymind]

Help help help

I have an 8 year old dd who is amazingly bright and whom I love with every fibre of my being. She is my whole world. But fuck I'm so fucking frustrated with her.
She does. Not. Fucking. Listen. To. Me.

It can be anything... DD can you please bring XYZ downstairs?
She will lift X and Y, and walk past Z. I'll remind her 3 times. She'll still forget.

Last week we were in the kitchen. She was reaching for a glass in the cupboard. I could see that she was going to knock it flying.
I asked her 4 times... 4.... stop... step back and be careful. Did she listen? No! She knocked the glass over and 2 others with it. Smashed all over the counter top.

We are sitting watching telly this evening. She's drinking lemonade from quite a thin wine glass style tumbler. I noticed she was tapping it with her teeth. 3 times I had to ask her to stop doing it. 3 times. Next thing I looked and the glass is in about 5 pieces in her hand. She done exactly as predicted and broke the glass with her teeth!!! Thankfully she wasn't hurt.

I'm beside myself with frustration.

When we are with family or out and about she will need to be told the same thing 4 and 5 times. It's so tedious and it's wearing me down.

She is otherwise bright, popular, funny, creative, kind etc. But she will not fucking listen to me. Help! Any ideas?

I don't even know what my aibu is... maybe it's aibu to fucking run to the moon???? 😫😫😫

Further strategies:

• plastic glasses
• rules about where food and drink are taken / consumed
• similar for felt tip pens

^^basically try to avoid accidents by preventing the situation in the first place

When people have slow processing they need longer pauses between instructions to process. Every time you repeat yourself or start another instruction too quickly they have to throw away what they were processing, so it becomes counter productive.

So - longer gaps - way, way longer than you think is reasonable
And - try getting them to repeat back what you said
Check they are listening before you go onto your spiel

I know just how you feel.

I need to follow a lot of these tips on here because my bright but daydreamy DD perpetually “ignores” me and has no sense of time, and i end up having to shout, mornings and bedtimes. Each request is reatrd about 4-5 times but then i loose my cool. I know i shouldnt, but i am tired so i shout.
the above posts are like a lightbulb symphony, because maybe there is something going on, she isnt just ignoring me.
If anyone has any book recommendations or articles please post.

All children do this if they aren’t challenged. Why not sit her down and have a chat about the implications of her not following instructions? Talk about safety, how sometimes in an emergency we need to give instructions and they need to be followed quickly. Play Simon Says and be really positive, praising her for listening well and saying things like “I knew you could do it”. Then the next time you give an instruction make sure you say the instruction and WHY eg “stop, let me get it, I’m worried the glass is going to break” and if she doesn’t listen then go bat shit crazy (time out/ take away something she loves) and remind her about the instructions chat 😉

I'm pretty sure now that DD1 has either an auditory processing disorder or some degree of ADHD. But yeah we stayed on plastic cups basically to adulthood. Lots of bumps and scrapes and scars though.

This was me as a kid too and I'm dyspraxic.

You need to be careful of instructions that are too vague so "be careful with that" is no good because I AM being careful .. it's just my careful (and I really am working hard) is still likely to break the glass.

It has literally taken me 40 years to realise I have to lift plates into the cupboard in 3 stages because otherwise I'll just slam them against the cupboard.

So

1. One very specific instruction at a time "DD put the glass down"
2. "DD look at me ... (pause) .. if you bite the glass it will break and hurt you. Don't do it"
3. You will probably need to remind her when she does it again, she probably won't retain it first (or 5th!) time
4. Never more than 2 instructions at a time and accept it's likely she will have forgotten what you've asked by the time she's left the room (I always did and would be found reading when I'd been asked to get my coat)

Sounds like my son, who has ADHD.

Doesn't mean your child has it, but it's worth looking into.

Try only giving her one-step instructions (not bring XYZ, just bring X, then bring Y, then bring Z) even if it slows things down.

Also try phrasing things in the positive. Not 'Stop tapping the glass' or whatever, rather 'Put the glass down'. Tell her what to do, not what not to do.

Ps. Might be worth teaching her to repeat instructions in my head .. I will literally sing song in my head "stop for petrol stop for petrol stop for petrol" otherwise I just drive past

My DD is similar but I think it is more stubborness and determination. I said to her today that I reckon if I told her to take a breath she'd quietly hold it in until she passed out. It's not disobedience I don't think (mostly, sometimes it is) but just a determination to prove me wrong!

I have an 11yr old who is ridiculously forgetful and also very bright. He started high school and, what with him liking routine etc, we came up with one for getting his stuff ready the night before and the like. So far since starting he has

Left PE kit on the bus on the way to school (handed in to lost property at the bus depot.
Left PE kit at school.

Forgot PE kit on the way resulting in a Usain Bolt-esque sprint back home lest the only bus be missed

Left PE shorts in school- never found which meant a 40mile round trip to the only shop that sells them for which he missed playing out with his friend at the weekend AND I made him pay for them (felt guilty as fuck but thought it might hammer the point home)

Left ENTIRE school bag on the bus- handed into lost property at the depot again thank goodness.

I've this week, after the entire bag fiasco, realised it is what it is. There was zero point in being angry as I knew he felt bad enough as it was. Sigh. I see many more trips to the depot over the next five years....

Make her clean the mess up. Check she doesn't cut an artery but that's it. Plastic cups for her, don't let her use glass until she can cope.

Imagine that she's doing something (more) dangerous and adjust your voice to to that level - intervene physically if nec. Let your emotions show.

Sometimes you have to be more in your face.
X stop, look at me. And only when you are sure you have her attention do you give the instruction. Then ask her to repeat it back to you.

As soon as I read this I recognised it and thought dyspraxia, processing problems and or a poor working memory.

My DD,10 is just like this. She just can't process the advice, instruction quickly enough. More than one instruction - please brush your hair, clean teeth and put your socks on is impossible for her. She too has high IQ with poor processing- super high centile for verbal abilities, comprehension etc but low centile for processing.

( I also have an unproven amateur theory that all of this is something to do with right brain dominance .. it's like the thoughts sort of whizz around and it causes a bit of a slow response time.)

I’m afraid I think it is completely normal ☹️

I have 8yo who doesn't listen either. I ask question eg 'what cereal would you like for breakfast?', she starts a completely new conversation. I completely get that it is frustrating, but there is not necessarily an easy solution.
Just wondering though if you go on at her a lot. Has she got used to ignoring you because the way that you show her you actually mean what you say is to shout? I count a lot. I tell her what I want, I give her a bit of take up time then... 'I'm counting to 5 and by the time I get to five, I expect you to be on your way to clean your teeth.' It clues her in as to when you expect something to be done (in the next 5 seconds) and that you actually mean business. A minor consequence could start to kick in if she doesn't do it. I don't think it would work in the examples you've given but it may work in other areas. I certainly haven't cracked it, but strategies like this help me to be clearer and help her know that action is required.

You need to be careful of instructions that are too vague so "be careful with that" is no good because I AM being careful

This is great advice for all young children, not just ones with a processing disorder. You have to be really specific - which is why "Go and tidy your room never works" at that or any age. You have to break it down into "Put all your toys in the box", "hang up your jacket" etc.

Also remember that, from a child's point of view, adults are bumbling on about stuff they don't fully understand all the time, so they are often only half-listening. It's like being in a foreign country where you only speak a bit of the language - unless they are really concentrating, they start to tune us out.

In an emergency, shout "Stop", but keep that for when they're really in danger, or they'll start tuning that out too.

Thanks, this is interesting in regard to DS (7). DH gets really mad with him sometimes for not listening, but I have told DH that no amount of getting angry appears to improved his attentiveness at all, so it's not really worth it, and maybe there's nothing for it but to wait until he's able to be more attentive, as he clearly isn't able to be most of the time now.

The visual cues thing is interesting, I should look into that.

No advice really. Just wanted to say I feel your pain. You could be writing about my 8 year old dd xxxx

She sounds like my daughter. I'm pretty sure something is going on with her, as my younger son only needs to be told once. For example, she had a large tumbler of milk on the table. I cringed inside as I knew she would knock it over but for once, I thought, let's just stop second guessing everything. Two mins later and she has knocked the tumbler over. I wouldn't think twice about giving it to my son though.

She is also v bright and well above where she should be academically. Getting her ready for school in the morning and bed at night is incredibly stressful. She has to be constantly reminded and chivvied or she will just wander off and do something else.

My 9 year old is a bit like this but I kind of have to give him some leeway. For example I wouldn’t give him a thin glass because I know what he’s like not would I expect him to remember more than a couple of things at a time.

He’s like me in many many ways. Very intelligent but my brain has several things going on at once and it requires incredible concentration to only think of one task - I actively hate doing one thing at a time even if I know it’s probably better.

My ds isn’t physically clumsy though - he’s very good at sport - he just doesn’t think before he does something so will knock stuff over etc. A bit like his mother 😬

Make her clean the mess up. Check she doesn't cut an artery but that's it

The thing about consequences is that they only work if the desired behaviour is within the child's control. It's a bit like potty training - all the star charts in the world won't work if the child's brain is not mature enough to control the bladder.

So, if you say "Don't tap the glass on your teeth", she ignores you and the glass breaks, it's reasonable to get her to help with clearing up. But, telling her to be careful getting a glass out of a cupboard, and then it breaks is not her bad - it's yours for not being more specific. As the PP said, she probably was being careful. Getting a glass out of a cupboard is actually a really complicated bit of neuro-processing, with lots of hand-eye co-ordination needed - and if you don't believe me, try asking a toddler to do it .

Sorry if this sounds obvious, but are you getting her attention first? I know if mine aren't actively listening to me I might as well be talking to the wall, so will put a hand on their shoulder, say their name and wait for their attention before giving instructions etc.

@Prettyvase jeez there's always one 🙄
We had lemonade because it was her dad's birthday. It wasn't a wine glass... it was a small tumbler in the shape of a wine glass with no stem. And you know nothing about my parenting style so just you sit over there On your high horse with your plastic cups full of water.

Everyone else, thank you for all the tips and suggestions.
She's not had her hearing checked, so I guess I could explore that.
The helpful poster who made the comment about kids seeing adults like a foreign language, I hadn't thought of it that way.

I'm going to try the physical touch and eye contact strategies... and once again thank you. It's so comforting to know I'm not the only one who's kid doesn't listen.
If I said 'DD come down here I've got chocolate and ice cream...' she'd be in like lightening!

My eldest is like this, recently diagnosed with adhd and problems processing speech and information. I...

Only give one simple instruction at a time to be done right away. I get him to repeat it back but lately he gets annoyed by that so I leave it!

I get his attention by saying his name, ask him to look at me, and say what I need to say.

I’ve done this for years, never sure it was the right thing, but apparently this is a good way of helping him.

I also totally cut down the amount of stuff I need to ask him to do. I don’t overload him. I do lots myself, for him, way more than would be expected, I sort his books out for school his uniform etc. But he will do big jobs in the house for me, and sports, and travel by himself well etc. It’s just he implodes with too much of the small remembering stuff. Better for him to feel more confident with simpler roles.

Eye contact helps OP. Get her to stop and look at you as you ask her. Repeat it twice. With full eye contact.

@tempname ha ha I could have written that! One term DS lost

3 lunchboxes
3 jackets (very expensive to replace 3 jackets! But it was winter he had to have a coat)
2 sports kits. The last one had some gear I’d just bought and I could have cried at that point. I actually took away his lunch money, made him make sandwiches every day, and got half of the replacements from his Savings. Then I felt bad! He actually can’t help it.