Mother of god I'm seriously going to lose my shit

[imgoingtoloosemymind]

Help help help

I have an 8 year old dd who is amazingly bright and whom I love with every fibre of my being. She is my whole world. But fuck I'm so fucking frustrated with her.
She does. Not. Fucking. Listen. To. Me.

It can be anything... DD can you please bring XYZ downstairs?
She will lift X and Y, and walk past Z. I'll remind her 3 times. She'll still forget.

Last week we were in the kitchen. She was reaching for a glass in the cupboard. I could see that she was going to knock it flying.
I asked her 4 times... 4.... stop... step back and be careful. Did she listen? No! She knocked the glass over and 2 others with it. Smashed all over the counter top.

We are sitting watching telly this evening. She's drinking lemonade from quite a thin wine glass style tumbler. I noticed she was tapping it with her teeth. 3 times I had to ask her to stop doing it. 3 times. Next thing I looked and the glass is in about 5 pieces in her hand. She done exactly as predicted and broke the glass with her teeth!!! Thankfully she wasn't hurt.

I'm beside myself with frustration.

When we are with family or out and about she will need to be told the same thing 4 and 5 times. It's so tedious and it's wearing me down.

She is otherwise bright, popular, funny, creative, kind etc. But she will not fucking listen to me. Help! Any ideas?

I don't even know what my aibu is... maybe it's aibu to fucking run to the moon???? 😫😫😫

The Tendril Theory sprang to mind after reading your op. Google it.

Try to give attention to the behaviour you want to see, children want your attention, they want it now, if they don't get it positively they will seek it for negative behaviour... so praise them for every small specific thing they do well... so when she got 2/3 things and brought them down, Thanks you for listening to me, thank you for bringing down x and y, you are really helpful... etc so doesn't come naturally, but try it, I tend to be negative without realising, so the idea is every time she was careful with a glass and didn't break it - You really take care of our glasses, thank you for taking care of our things. Worth a shot.

My dd was like this at that age. I ended up intervening a lot more; if she was reaching for the glass and clearly going to break it, I'd put my hand on her arm to keep her from touching it as I gave the instruction to stop. If she was tapping her teeth on a glass I would reach out and take it away if she didn't stop the first time I'd ask.

It did stop over time and now she's 17 I obviously don't still have to do those things. It'll get better for you too!

My 9 year old has ASD and is often lost in thought. If i want him,for example,to put on his shoes I call his name loudly and say one word loudly ‘SHOES’. If he is still not paying attention I guide him with my arm towards his shoes and say SHOES again. It sounds a bit barky but it works.

I’m pretty sure my husband has the same issue as your daughter.
But in all seriousness, I think every parent has this issue.

It's unfair to ask someone that age for three things. Two is probably her mental limit. It sounds like she has a communication processing issue. Does she realize you're giving her an instruction for example?

This is my 6.5 year old who has NF1. No idea if its related but it is like talking to a brick wall sometimes.

Something that works with my son (and in fact, most children) is to get down to his level and quite close up and ask him to do a specific task. If I do that, he listens. It is a little time consuming but actually makes life a lot less stressful and means that I generally get the kids fed, dressed, teeth brushed etc. and to school without losing my temper. My eldest does have mild ADHD and it does help me to know that he isn't just being difficult.
It's a work in progress and I'm far from perfect but life is a lot calmer these days. Good luck 😀

With regards to the opening thread..specifically about glasses.
We have not used a single glass since our son was born 11yrs ago partly because my stupid parents insisted on using glasses and my younger brother fell over and still bears the scars on his stomach 30yrs later.
Needless to say, we threw out every glass we owned when our son was born and replaced them with plastic. I've lost count the number of times I've smiled as a plastic beaker bounced across the floor.

Glass - Absolutely hate the stuff

Sorry to say it but welcome to parenthood. I felt the same, now my kids are in their 20s and i miss being at the whim of small people

This is being a kid. Part of their nature. They are focussed in all other things than being a grown up. I was thecsame, my kids are the same. It is infuriating but part of being a parent. For gods sake don’t put them needlessly onto a learning disability unless they really really have issues. Not aimed at you but some of the knee jerk snowflake mothers out there

Also to add, has she had a hearing test? I had an operation to correct my hearing but sometimes wonder if i had a hearing issue or was so occupied by my inner monologue that I couldn’t hear anything else

I used to do two things differently;

1. I would get up and remove the glass from her hand bc i knew that it was dangerous. After a few times of my hands on commands, they listened bc they knew i would act on my words.

My dc and dh are very much like your dd. And they are adults! But i annoyed them into listening bc i actively stop them.

1. My dh told me that instead of saying "don't trip" say "step over the bump."

"Dont break the glass" say "set the glass down"
His point is that they will focus on the action: trip vs step over.

Best of luck. I think that she is normal. Just a flakey and in her own world like most of us.

Have you asked your dd why she doesn't listen /why you have to repeat things many times?

My son has ADHD and Dyspraxia and you could have been writing about him! I am much more patient and effective with him now I know the reasons, but he still drives me up the wall sometimes!

This is proving interesting reading, so thank you everyone. I have a 13 year old DD who I would describe as dozy - have to endlessly repeat myself etc.. For example, I ask her to clear the floor of her bedroom (so I can vacuum) but she misses obvious bits and pieces, every time, it’s very frustrating. I always call her on it (and can get a bit ranty - it’s not my job to tidy up after every one) so she knows that she’ll have to do it anyway but I do wonder if there’s something else going on or if she is just ... well, dozy. Or a typical teenager!

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to label a child who struggles with certain behaviours.

Even if it’s just writing it all down for yourself, reading it through, and using that as a tool to adjust your mindset.

Regardless of their age or academic intelligence, if a child has repeatedly shown they aren’t capable of a task it’s harsh to keep expecting them to be capable of it without help.

I bloody wish I’d had a label as a child. It’s so isolating feeling like you are incapable of ‘basic’ behaviours and getting in trouble or other people getting frustrated at you...but there’s nothing you can do about it

my son is a bit like this but he has dyspraxia. I learnt that it is better to plan ahead on their behalf, and eventually the habit becomes engrained and they actually stop doing most of the annoying things.

So glass on the table with a drink already in it for first few years, graduating to glass on table and they have to find the drink and pour it, graduating to glass in the cupboard, [find your own glass if you want a drink] by the time they were 12. Just assume they are younger in practical terms than their chronological age.
Same with shoes. Put shoes where they can find them at first, and if necessary hand shoes to them, get them to sit down and put shoes on same place every time, train them to sit down in same place, and if necessary help them put shoes on! Next stage is they know exactly where shoes ARE. Next stage is, [aged 14] they can actually find the shoes where they left them..and haven't forgotten where they left them..

make all glasses child friendly, safe and chunky with handles (we use a lot of those mustard pot glasses like miniature beer glasses)

sensory stuff is common, chewing pencils, chewing books chewing buttons, plaits, sleeve ends. find something else to chew, carrots, apples, chewy pencil toppers, or even chewing gum (very useful stuff for concentrating)

keep intervening, link a physical object to an instruction. Here are your shoes, here is your glass, let's go to the hall, here is your dressing gown on the hook, run the bath for me (as you standing there) take plug out and hand it to me. All this reinforces the instruction in long term and soon you won't have to do the same amount of physical "intervening".

And something I read somewhere...only say instructions once, if that doesn't sink in, immediately start on the calm physical intervening..lets go to the cupboard and get a glass, reach up and get one, great, go to the tap and run the tap great. The minute you start shouting, no not that cupboard, don't splash the draining board, sit down don't spill it youve lost the battle.

Ds is 16 now. He was an absolute nightmare at following instructions at a younger age, and still drives us mad at times but he can organise himself sufficiently to do most habitual stuff and do really well academically too, so he must be able to organise his school work for some reason and remember pencils and files and books. I've worked out that is because once he controls what he is doing, he has no difficulty remembering quite complex sequences, or finding things or remembering things like keys and bus passes. So it is people bellowing "random" (Although to us perfectly rational) instructions that somehow confuses him.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to label a child who struggles with certain behaviours

I've wondered about seeking a diagnosis for my eldest.. I'm fairkyb sure he has ASC, along with sensory processing issues and some processing problems. I don't think we'd get far because she's expert at masking and highly intelligent, never causes a problem at school etc.

To start the process, I sought a diagnosis for myself. I knew I was autistic, but hoped a diagnosis for myself would help in getting one for my eldest should she need it.

I was surprised at how traumatic I found receiving the diagnosis. I've 'known' for years, but it was still a shock. Adjusting to the label was very difficult.
I know now that I wouldn't wan't to try for a diagnosis for DD at this point. I can't help support her, and I'm in a good position to empathise with the way she sees the world and help guide her. When she is old enough to want a diagnosis, I'll help her get one

Having an official label is really hard.

(sorry. Tangent. But yeah...)

Guys thank you so much for the responses! You've been most helpful and I really appreciate you sharing experiences.

I practised the eye contact / clear comms strategy with her today and it definitely made a difference. I feel like I've stepped back and gained perspective over the situation. Thank you ❤️

can help support her.

Gah. New phone and new inability to manage errant apostrophes 🙄

@acegod what on Earth??
Because I find one element of parenting challenging I should shift my kids off to boarding school?
Seems like a logical, measured response to my crisis. Thanks 👍

@IWantMyHatBack - I'm asking out of genuine curiosity but would having your diagnosis earlier in life have made it any different? Like it would have been less of an adjustment?

We actually now bring our ds2 (the one with ASC and dyspraxia) his breakfast to his bedroom. Otherwise he forgets to eat breakfast. He is too busy sequencing preparing for his very successful day at school doing A levels, remembering lunch money, appointments clubs, being sociable, getting dressed in vaguely respectable clean outfit of his choice. He is really grateful for the breakfast. This is after years of us barking at him to come into kitchen eat breakfast before you go etc. We've just decided life is simpler if we fight only some battles. Every child needs help at different times for different things.