Mother of god I'm seriously going to lose my shit

[imgoingtoloosemymind]

Help help help

I have an 8 year old dd who is amazingly bright and whom I love with every fibre of my being. She is my whole world. But fuck I'm so fucking frustrated with her.
She does. Not. Fucking. Listen. To. Me.

It can be anything... DD can you please bring XYZ downstairs?
She will lift X and Y, and walk past Z. I'll remind her 3 times. She'll still forget.

Last week we were in the kitchen. She was reaching for a glass in the cupboard. I could see that she was going to knock it flying.
I asked her 4 times... 4.... stop... step back and be careful. Did she listen? No! She knocked the glass over and 2 others with it. Smashed all over the counter top.

We are sitting watching telly this evening. She's drinking lemonade from quite a thin wine glass style tumbler. I noticed she was tapping it with her teeth. 3 times I had to ask her to stop doing it. 3 times. Next thing I looked and the glass is in about 5 pieces in her hand. She done exactly as predicted and broke the glass with her teeth!!! Thankfully she wasn't hurt.

I'm beside myself with frustration.

When we are with family or out and about she will need to be told the same thing 4 and 5 times. It's so tedious and it's wearing me down.

She is otherwise bright, popular, funny, creative, kind etc. But she will not fucking listen to me. Help! Any ideas?

I don't even know what my aibu is... maybe it's aibu to fucking run to the moon???? 😫😫😫

I have a dyspraxic DS who did exactly this

Getting irritated made it worse

So staying calm, saying "never mind, maybe next time use the chunkier glass" and giving "rules" like "only ever fill a glass/cup 2/3 full as otherwise it spills when you carry it.

It is not malice or "disobedience" so don't get too annoyed (if you can)

Think it is quite normal, especially at this age :)

Also sounds like my DD, aged 8 and diagnosed ADHD. She’s definitely the hyperactive type so more obvious. Your DD could be the ADD type.

Sounds like my OH actually, he has a convenient memory, is hard of hearing and won't see someone, my fault for 'whispering'!

OP this sounds exactly like my 7 year old .
She is the sweetest, funniest , most clever little thing and I love her more than anything but she has selective hearing and her favourite catchphrase whenever I’ve asked her a million times to do something is “oh I forgot”..
I honestly hear this about 15 times a day and it drives me up the fucking wall !
I’m going to start covering her in post it notes so she can remember things like -put your stuff away afterwards , take your cup down stairs, wash your hands , blink , breathe...
😑

Another who recognises dyspraxia. My nephew has it. If you would say go upstairs, have a wash , clean your face and clean your teeth he would lose it.

If you asked him one step at a time and only ask him to do the next task after her completed the first he was a lot better at following instructions

Lots of good advice. can I also recommend a book. - how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Lots of strategies we found very helpful in the same situation.

When you said about hearing chocolate and icecream, it made me think of ADD. The stuff that is important to them breaks through and they are very capable of focussing and accomplishing. The stuff that is not important to them is just blah blah blah.

You can phrase things in a way that makes it important. What will you do when the glass breaks in your mouth DD...

Or set up routines that are implemented the same way every day - so the routine carries them through the unfocussed-ness

An ed psych assessment might be helpful

I’m quite sad that so many people jump straight to a labelled disorder for something that I think is just average kids behaviour.

Kids don’t listen.
The glass from the cupboard thing - they want to be independent and thought they were being careful. The same with the drinking glass- different consequences in that glass in the mouth is more dangerous but none of that is something g to head down the label route!

Try giving it a minute before you repeat yourself too. I did a course where they told us it takes 3-5 seconds for your child to process an instruction. Which seems fast, but is enough time for you to say it a couple of times.

Say it once, then give her time to process it before repeating it. It also means she will start listening earlier as she knows you say it once, not 12 times so she only needs to tune in on that 12th time when you are shouting.

I do the touching thing for my son as he needs bringing back into the room. And keep it simple, no big context for why you want to do something, or vague “be careful that thing is about to fall you really need to pay attention to that thing”. Simple, clear instructions.

I think I have found my tribe - mother of dyspraxic here - you could be describing my eldest. Last week their class gave them a round of applause in Chemistry because a test tube got broken - by someone else........

Get plastic glasses such as hotels use around the swimming pool and if good quality, are dishwasher friendly.

Even today in early thirties my DS spills drinks and breaks glasses. He is very intelligent and has a great career, following academic success at uni. He has always been clumsy and cannot be trusted with the proper glasses we have treasured for years.

I really wouldn't ever have wanted him to be labelled as dyspraxic, but he probably was. Even in his early thirties he often loses his mobile phone, once he dropped it into a BBQ. He often drops and breaks things at home, nothing breakable is safe around him.

He is very tall at 6 foot 6 inches, also very fit and plays contact sports with good co-ordination. Give him a proper wine glass at dinner and it will end up on the floor.

These days many people look for labels and it is not always a good thing, particularly if kids are able to cope with other aspects of life well.

The thing is @Screaminginsidemeagain - it might be normal but it also may be dyspraxia and you've kind of assumed a label is a negative. It wasn't for me, it brought me real peace when I got it and helped me (and those around me) really make sense of things.

londonmummy1966

Don't let this potential label define your DC. It should not hold them back from achieving well in life.

I love the conversation that my rant had opened up tonight... you guys are all amazing, thank you for all the useful stories x

This is interesting. I have DTs (10) and DS has ASD and ADHD. DD is apparently NT and is sporty and streetwise, and academically OK - but she has always struggled with breaking stuff, spilling drinks, and stubs her toes numerous times every day! I have wondered about dyspraxia but she isn't too bad at sports, so I feel it can't be that. She knows she's massively clumsy and I've given up yelling when she drops stuff, but I've always felt it's not really normal. She knocks over drinks and bangs her elbows for a pastime. Her knees are already scarred for life! She is always in a rush, and we used to put it down to that - but reading your post and those of others is starting to make me wonder......

@imgoingtoloosemymind Aside from the advice on here, .....break into song/silly voice now and again.

I find my kids listen more when I shake it up, especially as I can't sing /dance / act and am most definitely NOT a zany mum! They are so used to me saying stuff they just zone out. Give it a try.

@OrigamiZoo I flipping love this suggestion... sounds better then yelling / getting stressed

When we're all calm, I have suggested to mine that I will spend a day/hour treating them like they treat me: not listening to them when they ask me to do things, saying 'yes' to things but making no effort to do them, taking AGES to do things and risk missing out on things etc. There is general agreement that this would be awful for them and that they would not like it at all and we talk about how if we work as a team, we can get a lot more done.

I also have visual reminders around the house, so we have a 'leaving the house' checklist that says:

Have you got your shoes on?
Have you got a coat if you need one?
Have you been to the loo?

That way I can just say 'time for your leaving the house checklist' instead of barking a constant stream on instructions and it gives them some autonomy over which they do first and making decisions for themselves over whether they need a wee or coat. We have them for mealtimes and bedtime as well and it does work.

I was your DD! I distinctly remember my step-mum being on my case constantly for clumsiness and "why don't you listen?!" As it happened, I was a typical kid and my body was growing faster than my brain so I took a while to have full coordination. It isn't unusual for those in growth spurts. I'm now a fully functional adult and haven't broken anything for ages.

I also teach secondary kids and always allow "take up time" for instructions. Very few people are capable of responding immediately to all instructions, and when it does happen it is usually a case of learned response (e.g. fire alarms). More than one instruction at a time can be particularly difficult, even for NT kids.

If it helps, this stage will pass. And far more easily if you buy cheap glasses that are quickly replaced.

This might not make you feel better but I'm nearly 30 and I have the same problem now. If my brain is focussed on something else, someone can say something to me 4 or 5 times, I hear them but it just does not go in.
I haven't got any kind of ADHD or anything, it's just the way my brain responds to stress or over stimulation.

As an adult with a late-in-life diagnosis of Asperger's/ADHD, the advice from PPs to use eye contact/touch when giving instructions is great.

While I am in no insinuating your daughter has either, eye contact and touch are powerful tools - even as a professional adult, I find it enormously helpful when somebody looks at me directly when they're saying something.

My ASD comes with some sensory processing disorders, but I use a tool (which I think comes from NPD or something?), which is basically to tap my own wrist - normally my right - with two fingers when somebody is giving an instruction or requesting something or similar. It forces me to concentrate and absorb what the other person is saying.

Could this be something that would help your daughter?

THIS

*I find if you start with a negative they just don't hear the don't or no part at all and just listen to the part after that so if you say no shouting they just carry on shouting.

With kids in school we were told to reinforce the thing you want them to do*

Kids tune our the 'don't' part of an instructing.

You need to phrase it in a positive way, not a negative way.

This is the single most useful piece of parenting advice I ever got. Don't tell a child what you don't want them to do, ask them to do something (instead of 'don't leave your clothes in a heap', say 'hang your coat up please')

ASD in this house. Demand avoidance, sensory issues, audio processing, we've all got a combination. Positive language makes the difference.

Recent advice given on a course instead of , Get your coat on please, change to Coat on thank you, please sit down to sit thank you, just by saying the words thank you makes it more of an expectation rather than a demand, have seen great improvements both in the classroom and at home 👍

@123bananas - I really like your advice and others on this thread e.g. @Iwantmyhatback but others too Justdontknowhattothink for example.

Try to get her to look at you before you give the instruction, so you have her attention, even if you have to say her name 3 or 4 times it's better than repeating whole sentences. Sometimes children switch off as they see it like 'nagging', so get her attention first then give the instruction.