To wish strangers wouldn't talk to children?

[2anddone]

Just home from a rare visit to town and I couldn't believe how many strangers (mainly older people 50+) spoke to dn!
In McDonald's an old man started talking to us both, in queues in shops people tried to start a conversation with her and even paying for the car park ticket!
Dn (3) is quite shy and didn't answer them but that still didn't stop the talking to her.
At one point I said 'sorry she won't speak to somebody she doesn't know, at least the stranger danger talk worked' to which the reply I received was 'It's hard to know where to draw the line isn't it!'
I agree that not everyone is 'bad' and I feel awful that some of these older people maybe just crave conversation as they don't have anyone to talk to, I am more than happy to chat to anyone but AIBU to wish they didn't talk to the children if they don't know them?? (Prepared to be flamed!!)

OP mentions a rare visit to town.

I wonder if this is connected to your own dislike of interaction with other people, OP?

Are your visits to town rare because YOU find it hard talking to others?

And maybe that's affecting how you think your niece should be protected / otherwise?

desperately trying to get past my own facepalm and see things from a more generous perspective

Are you serious? Yabvu.

Mr 4 year old loves chatting to people and I think it's sweet. He'll have lovely random chats with people all the time, including ...shock horror... people OVER 50 ...

I am not teaching him the outdated and hugely flawed stranger danger shite either that can make children far more vulnerable.

Fair enough if she's shy... that's ok. Or has she possibly been taught to think that anyone she doesn't know is to be feared?

It is a huge benefit for children to have the confidence to interact and converse with adults who are not close relatives. DS was about as shy and retiring as Freddie Mercury, when he was little, and was always chatting up people when we went out.

FFS! I've heard it all now! Only on Mumsnet. 🤔

YABU. That's a disheartening take on it, It's just people making chit chat in a queue or whatever. I think it's nice! And you're present, so what are you worried about? Your niece should be encouraged to make appropriate small talk with strangers, while still knowing to keep her wits about her when she's on her own.

I feel vvvvv sorry for you op and your dd. Honestly you not an island. Yabu and abit strange.

Just adding to the chorus of YABUs. If anything, being part of a community who know each other and interact with each other protects your child. People are much more likely to look out for each other, notice when something's wrong or help someone who's in trouble if they aren't scared silly that some idiot is going to report them for the terrible crime of having a polite conversation with a stranger (child or adult). Ffs

What a sad day it is when you can't bring yourself to a (not)old 50 year old.
Teaching your dn to fear everybody is not doing her any favours!

Different communities do have different norms you know! If it is not normal for strangers to speak to each other where the OP is from (ie London), the few people who do speak to you are those who are happy to trample social boundaries (ie people looking to mug you, or weirdos).

When a stranger comes up to me in the street and starts talking to me in London, my immediate thought is “what are they after?”. And 99% of the time it is some sort of “give me 50p and I’ll give you £1” scam, or a mentally ill and/or drunk person (I live near the Maudsley). So I do feel on edge when strangers approach me and DS until I know what they want. Far more so than I do on my own, because DS is far more vulnerable than me if they do turn out to be unstable or after money.

When you move somewhere where people do talk to each other (more rural areas, the North) it can be disconcerting because you still feel highly suspicious of randoms approaching you. It is hard to turn off that hypervigilance, even though the risk in Sussex is much lower than in Brixton.

Similarly when people from rural areas come to London they make comments about how standoffish and rude people are there. They aren’t, it is seen as more polite to leave people in peace unless their coat is on fire or something. It is just a different social expectation.

Move to Bristol, it's full of Londoners who wont speak to you.

Those of us who grew up with the Stranger Danger campaigns have different and stricter attitudes on this than people who were kids before that

When was that? I'm getting on for seventy and was warned not to take sweets from strangers and to never get too close to a car asking directions.

But I wasn't taught to be mistrusting of any adult that talked to me.

When DD1 was a toddler we went on holiday to Croatia, and I suffered from culture shock. We were staying in a hotel and people would just come to our table, smile, nod, remove DD and walk away with her to other tables. She'd be cocked up in the middle of the adults being fed sausage and saurkraut and desserts. I didn't know what to do. One person just walked out of the diningroom with her, while I panicked. We were on an island so I decided she couldn't get far. She came back after five minutes with a new doll. I'm not a very child-friendly person, so it was all strange to me.

Another time I was on a ferry, and a group of elderly women were sitting nearby. I could sense the tension rising, they kept eyeing DD, one of them finally came across and asked if they could have her for a few minutes and she was passed around from knee to knee. I've come to the conclusion that some people just like children, they're drawn to them and want to cuddle them. It takes all sorts - I'd pay good money to keep children at a distance

I always say hello to children

Good lord, don't move to Maine. Literally EVERYONE talks to ds and lots of people give him food too. (He's not actually a cute puppy despite what it sounds like.)

Frankly I love it when an old person takes time to talk to me and DS, I don't feel threatened at all. I often make small talk with people in supermarkets, particularly mums of similar aged children and no one to my knowledge has me marked as a scary person.

I think stranger danger is appropriate to teach, but not to the extent where people should ignore others just being polite. DSS Mum had a talk with him where she overemphasised this point and he ended up taking a while to be comfortable with people he didn't know, which was uncomfortable for his Dad and for DSS as he was afraid everyone who spoke to him was going to snatch him! Fortunately DSS Mum had another chat and all is right with the world now and we don't have to feel horrified when he blanks someone

Talk to strangers? I've actually held a stranger's baby so she could go on a ride with her son. My two sons were also on the same ride but older and didn't need me with them. I saw her dilemma, she looked at me and I offered. The baby was about 9 months old.

This is in the North though where people talk to strangers and then sometimes those strangers become acquaintances or even friends.

My then 3 year old would talk to anyone who would listen and I mean anyone. It's a life skill.

I am totally guilty of this.

I normally talk to the adult first, should the situation arise, but here have been times when I have approached bewildered kids and asked things like ''Is that your mummy, are you lost'' etc.

I had a lovely conversation at the check out with a preschooler who was discussing what he was having for tea that night as the shopping was being scanned. He opened the conversation, with me, pointing out that he was having Stew and dumplings and went on to explain how he was expert at carrot pealing.

Oh for fuck sake.

Well this is unanimous. Not surprised really.

OP you are being utterly crazy. I talk to anyone pretty much. I've had some great conversations with 'strangers' over the years.

My DC are teens now. My dd is more shy than me and takes a while to talk to people she doesn't know, but she's not afraid of people. In fact she got lost in Tots R Us when she was about 6 and went straight to the i formation desk to ask for help no problem.

My ds will talk happily. Hes sensible but confident.

Why wouldn't you want your dcs to be happy and confident as they go about their lives?

If it is not normal for strangers to speak to each other where the OP is from (ie London), the few people who do speak to you are those who are happy to trample social boundaries (ie people looking to mug you, or weirdos).

I've lived in London for the last 15 years (six of them in Camberwell, since you mentioned the Maudsley), and I've never had trouble distinguishing between people who are trying to scam me and people who are just having a friendly chat to my child.

You are taking the stranger danger message to the extreme, in a stupid way.

So when will she be allowed normal human interaction, on her 18th birthday?

It is normal to talk to children when their parents are with them.

OP must be great fun at a party.

YABVU

I find this really sad. I love it when people smile at or chat to my DC. My 14 month old particularly likes elderly men for some reason and loves it when they chatter to him even if he can’t undedstsnd what they say!

I’m sure for many old people (and i don’t mean 50 year olds!) it is enriching for them to talk to children too. Many old people are very lonely and it really saddens me to think of people like you resenting them for being friendly to children and seeking a bit of human interaction