This is not my idea of a 10k holiday !

[Itwillgeteasieripromise]

Ex pats, heading home for Christmas after a tough year, not taken any leave really in 12 months and just finished an ivf cycle with one in the freezer for when we get back. We need a rest, DH and I are shattered.
I love my family dearly, but dear god the demands !!! Every day I'm literally sent a list of 'events' to attend, including helping my sister with her kids while she has to work late. Coming home is expensive, all
you seem to do is be expected to come to people because they are so busy with Christmas. Everyday day I'm literally sent a new invite, if it's not a birthday party, it's a school play ! It doesn't help that DH and I are from opposite ends of the country (and his family think I'm a spoiled bitch) If you think of what a holiday would look like if you spend 10k I can promise you, I wouldn't be rushing around like a headless chicken, spending it sat in people's living rooms seeing their kids and being an unpaid babysitter for family ! (Rant over) I am excited honestly, but it almost feels like an ex pat tax that you have to pay every couple of years .....

This works the other way around too, I resent having to spend 3 weeks of my annual leave and best part of £10k to slog over to the other side of the world, to visit my sister, when it was her choice to leave Uk and live there, so I’m not going again.
To stay and sit in other peoples houses.
If you’re living in Oz Remember it’s more expensive for Uk people in relative terms to visit Aus, plus the price of eating / drinking out and trips is far higher over there (perth is anyway).

10K??!!!
When we lived abroad I loved coming home to see everyone. Mind you , it was in the dark ages before Skype and Facetime so I felt I needed...and wanted...to catch up face to face. And yes, I had children...they normally came back to the UK with us.
If you don't want to see people/family then say so..make an excuse. I can understand you don't want to be rushed off your feet.My ED sometimes didn't tell people when she was home from uni cos she wanted to spend time quietly with family, not rushing round catching up with people....
But...10k?!!

A lot of Indian expats do this a minimum of once a year. It’s the price you pay for living away. If you don’t want to do it then stop but then don’t expect your family to give you the time of day.

God that's depressing working a year with no annual leave. Sounds like an awful place to live.

I think I need a new username ...

I know exactly what you mean. You dont get holiday in the same way that others do. Ive not had ivf but have heard its gruelling so it must be really tough!

If you want to stay at home for xmas that is allowed too

It is exhausting. I lived overseas for years and found coming back to the UK consisted of constant travel and living out of a bag for a night or two at a time before moving on to the next person who would be "hurt" if you did not visit. I also enjoy my own company and quiet time a great deal and being constantly "on" and ready for the next round of socialising was actually pretty stressful. I used to return overseas from "leave" totally drained.

Sheesh, some people on this thread are a bit mean. When you move away, assuming you have friends and family who love you, yes, they do want to see you. And you want to see them. It's just the logistics. OP, Christmas isn't the best time but as you have no choice, I get that.

What I've started doing now on these big trips is planning ahead. So I work out who we need/want to see, and then pre-schedule it. It feels like I'm giving myself a very structured trip but actually, it takes the pressure off massively. So I don't feel the need to rush to see Great Aunty Mary on Tuesday because I know she's going to be at the lunch at Grandma's house on Wednesday. Also, it means you can book these slots in with people in advance. Otherwise, you turn up, and they all want to see you, but only at a time that's convenient for them. Which, while fair enough, is a bit frustrating when your'e on a deadline. This way, you agree a mutually agreeable time ahead of time, and you then plan your other activities around it.

Limit friend activities to one or two dinners/ drinks with an open invite. For your closest friends, it's always amazing how getting together is less of a chore. Do not feel obliged to see everyone you are friends with on Facebook and don't let them pressure you. If they can turn up to your drinks/ dinner event, great. if not, sorry to have missed them.

When visiting family, try to plan an event or activity around it so you're not sat around they rlounge watching small children bash their drums. Suggest trips to local historical sites, national trust gardens, garden centre etc. Doesn't matter what it is. It gets you and friends/family/kids out o house and is infinitely more pleasurable.

That's my 15 years of long distance visits back "home" and for when people come here advice distilled into one post! .

I can't quite see how it came as a surprise that moving to the other side of the world was going to make it expensive and difficult to see family and friends. If you don't want to see them then don't. If you do, it's a bit much to expect them to arrange their Christmas plans around you.

I agree that seeing it as a "holiday" isn't a useful way to look at it. If you change your mindset you might find it easier to reconcile.

We were expats for 7 years, and always came back in the summer, much better.

One week family, one week Devon or Cornwall beach holiday, then a few more days family

My two brothers are abroad, and now come back every summer: we all rent a big house together for a week, some cousins and grandparents come too, some just visit for a day, great way to catch up and see everyone in a week.

There are options, you know

Yeah, I get it. The flights, then the travelling around the country to visit people (in a car that does about 28mpg 🙄), an over tired toddler, the packing and unpacking, getting your laundry done, aching back from sleeping in different beds every other day. It is exhausting. I love and miss my family and am always happy to go home to see them, but it's not a break in any way, shape or form. So next time I go, I'm Air BnBing it. Staying put in one place and the buggers can travel to me.

I suspect OP that this is something you can only really understand if you have lived overseas. You’ve had a hard time on this thread but not from people who have actually experienced it.

We never go home at Christmas.

It’s bad enough in the summer without the additional guilt/emotion loading that Christmas brings.

In response to some of the comments on this thread:

I didn’t really “choose” to live abroad.
I love my family and friends.
I want to see them.
I enjoy seeing them.

But visits home are extremely hard work, emotional, mentally and physically.

They are important, they are worthwhile, they are periodically enjoyable.
But it definitely isn’t a holiday.
It’s not restful.
And it’s not really “fun”.

I’ve never yet worked out a way to organise trips home so they are less exhausting and pressured.

On the flip side, when people come to us we make it a holiday of a lifetime. Take them places, take time off work, travel ect ect.
When you get home you arrange things, let's all go out for dinner, this place, this time and as time ticks along you get the usual response of, goodness I've been out so much this month already shall we just have a takeaway? You could come to us saves us getting a sitter?
Which is of course great to see loved ones it's just not much of a rest.

I get you too.
And I suspect you need to have been an expat to understand. It’s so completely different to just visiting famil or telling them you have other plans.

People seem to expect thatbyou will fit around their life as you wouod if you were living next door and at the same time get extremely upset if you dint come becaus they haven’t seen you for so long.
I’ve always doing the pressure quite big to keep everyine happy, see everyine etc.. but often with little thoughts about it is for me ‘because I should be WANTING to see them after so long’ (read if you don’t make the effort it’s because you dint care about them, are ungrateful etc...)

Itwill I think that’s because when they come to see you, everyine sees it as THEIR holiday so you feel like you have to make an effort to make it good for them.

When you go back to England, you are coming back ‘home’ and therefore there is no need to make an effort in those who are still there. Plus I suspect there is some guilt tripping going on (see the ‘you choose to go away’) which is crap imo and just an excuse to not make the effort.

@palliser
In places like Dubai/Shanghai etc you probably live in a compound with other "expats". your children go to international schools that locals don't go to. You don't need to learn the language. Those are people I think of as "expats"

If you live in a city in China most people live on a compound - completely normal and not an exclusive expat enclave. My compound has some foreign families but the majority are Chinese. My child goes to an international school as she would not manage in the Chinese system - her Chinese is not good enough. Local Chinese are not allowed to attend the school due to govt regulations - not a decision made by the school.

I think you do need to learn the language in China - I speak Chinese as does my daughter.

The difference between an immigrant and expat is imo that expats are sponsored by the company and when the job ends they go home.

I have been an expat for over 23 years (different countries) and going 'home' can be hectic. Personally, I don't go that often and prefer to pay for relatives to visit us.

Been there - a three week "holiday" left me exhausted. But we put in boundaries, took the free babysitting and tried to always take a 2 night trip without kids as part of the trip

I can categorically say that during the last 4 trips home (this is number 5 in 9 years) not one single person has taken a day off to see us.
However my friend recently visited from interstate, I took a day's leave to spend with her because it's important. I'm not asking people to alter their plans or plan Christmas around us. But a little effort goes a long way.

Even with the follow up posts you really are not coming across very well. If you don't want to see your family, and you really don't sound like you do, then why not take a trip elsewhere? Your ILs have got you spot on.

^I completely agree. Why did you decide to come back home at a Christmas when you would have known all family and friends want to see you? But yet you can’t be arsed to see them. Charming (!)

It’s also made harder bybthe fact you dint have a home to get back to and therefore are staying with relatives.
You can’t organise time in your own house with relatives/friends the same way when your are staying at somebody else house compare to when you are inviting people to your own house. Therebis an added lack of flexibility.

I’ll be honest, I think there is also the fact that, when you are away like this, you start slipping down ranking in people mind. You’re nit as important as you once were (as you somehow get ‘forgotten’) which mean that other people are more important in their life. The consequence is no time off for you and them expecting you to make all the efforts.

I found that, as time went, we actually saw LESS people because coming to see us wasn’t THAT important after all for some family members/friends.

I’m annoyed though when said people then expect you to house them, take them to places etc... if they visit. It makes me feel like I am only a cheap B&B with guide/cheap holiday rather than someone they are coming to see...

green yawn....

You very clearly aren't living abroad and haven’t experienced anything like this before.

This is the issue though. People thinking like this wo realising the strain THEY are putting on the people visiting by refusing to make any effort at all.

OP, you'll find the received wisdom from many on MN is that if you move abroad, you owe family/friends forever. You moved, your problem.

The only solution in my view is to park yourself in one/two places and invite others over. You'll be more rested and see people on more agreeable terms.

I concur with the view that absolutely no-one ever takes time off to see you when you go to the UK, though I am now of an age where many of my friends have retired, so things have changed for me in this respect.

What I found exhausting was that almost everyone wanted to meet in a restaurant. Noisy and expensive.

My immigrant sister does this every Christmas and moans like hell about it. She would be better off staying in the UAE. Moans there's not enough time to see everyone and tells us all its 'her holiday'. While at the same time, not telling us her plans and then expecting us to be able to meet for tea on a work night.

Serious, just stay at home.

YY to slipping down the ranking. My mother has a habit of trying to organise huge family reunions when we go back. Thing is, besides the fact we have fairly toxic family relationships that she is in denial about, the reality is that seeing me just isnt that big of a deal for people back home. Most genuinely don't really care if we are back or not. (Doesn't stop them wanting to come and stay at ours for weeks on end if they are visiting Europe though).

yanbu
we are expats as well and 'going home' (it isn't anymore) is hard work.
we usually rent a flat for a week near relatives so we can get rest and don't have to talk to anyone at 6am