This is not my idea of a 10k holiday !

[Itwillgeteasieripromise]

Ex pats, heading home for Christmas after a tough year, not taken any leave really in 12 months and just finished an ivf cycle with one in the freezer for when we get back. We need a rest, DH and I are shattered.
I love my family dearly, but dear god the demands !!! Every day I'm literally sent a list of 'events' to attend, including helping my sister with her kids while she has to work late. Coming home is expensive, all
you seem to do is be expected to come to people because they are so busy with Christmas. Everyday day I'm literally sent a new invite, if it's not a birthday party, it's a school play ! It doesn't help that DH and I are from opposite ends of the country (and his family think I'm a spoiled bitch) If you think of what a holiday would look like if you spend 10k I can promise you, I wouldn't be rushing around like a headless chicken, spending it sat in people's living rooms seeing their kids and being an unpaid babysitter for family ! (Rant over) I am excited honestly, but it almost feels like an ex pat tax that you have to pay every couple of years .....

Could easily be £10k if flying first class. Aus is £6k each return.

Going "home" when you live abroad is rarely a holiday - you spend half the time recovering from jet lag, and the rest of it either sitting in people's houses as they still have day-to-day life to get on with, or out for meals with relatives you barely speak to the rest of the year. You always leave emotional (sad to say goodbye) and more exhausted than when you left!

When we used to go and stay with family we always stuck three or four days on both ends and went and stayed elsewhere - is that an option at all? We'd either do extended stopovers, or just go and stay in another city for a few days before heading home.

This year we have booked cottage. Booked certain days for certain family things but the rest will be what we want to do. People can come and see us. If that don’t want to that’s sad but it’s ok. Otherwise it’s just too much. Stand from OP otherwise it’s setting patterns which are hard to break.

Don't travel

Or do trips to each location but organise a big get together

Just say NO. Where are you staying when you are back? There is no reason to do all this stuff.

Do your families know about your IVF? Having ANYTHING asked of you when you've been through/are going through that feels like too much, I would say.

Send an email and copy them all in.

"Can't wait to see you all - it's been such a tough year for us and so hard without your support and presence with us. We can't wait to simply relax and unwind after the long journey, as we are just running on empty here. We know you will understand and won't have planned to much for us as we just can't cope with it".

I had the opposite problem as an expat. I find that most of my friends are so flaky that after flying thousands of miles to visit them at massive expense, at least half are too tired/busy/it's raining and they can't be bothered to come out. It's tiring to be so busy with events but at least people are making an effort for you.

It isn't a holiday. Once you accept that it is easier in some ways (and then you start planning holidays tacked onto the start or finish of the trip home). My uncle lived away from home for 40 years and came back at christmas and summer and it was he said to me when I emigrated "Pallisers, it isn't a holiday visiting home". It is a round of visiting and catching up and having something you have to do every day. It is lovely but it certainly isn't a holiday.

Probably should have posted in expat section. generally little point in explaining to people who don't spend all their holidy time and money visiting home- you'll just get digs like this After all they probably feel just as resentful at having to spend time with you.

If you want a 'holiday', book a 'holiday'.

Sounds like you could use one.

If she is flying to Oz / NZ then I can definitely understand 10k. We spent close to that going back for my brother's wedding a few years back with our two DDs (who were 4 and 2). We also had to visit my DHs family on the other side of the country.

It's not a holiday as such, it can be really full on, and incredibly emotionally draining, especially if you don't know when you might be back next. You're seeing people just to say goodbye to them again. Plus you spend half the time feeling like you don't really fit in because everything has moved on in your absence, and yet everyone wants a bit of your time. It's immensely gratifying and wonderful to have people who love you, but tough at the same time.

Katmarie has nailed it on the head with this. I love seeing my family but it is a very strange dynamic because often you are staying with them for weeks on end and there is so much pressure because you know you won't see them again for some time.

My heart bleeds for you
There are just the three of us. Christmas is very boring low key for us. I would love to have lots of invitations at Christmas

I understand it must be tiring but, well, it's not a holiday, is it and so the comparison's not really fair. It's visiting family, and it's a choice you've made, presumably?

Why not tack on a week's holiday on the end somewhere en route?

Presumably you moved to have a better quality of life/ more money so isn't it a fair "cost" for that?

I don't really understand why you have decided to go back home if you don't want to see your family? As a former ex pat myself, that's exactly what trips back home entailed, visiting a bunch of relatives. We really wouldn't have bothered otherwise (would have gone on a different holiday completely)!

A lesser spotted mumsnet post where the ILs are probably right

What's the difference between an expat and an immigrant?

It really does sound like hard work, I've often heard people say that 'going home' is just that. Alright for a few days.

What MickHucknallSpink&Span said on previous page about renting a lodge and inviting people at their leisure sounds like a good idea.

I hope you get a good rest before Christmas op. And afterwards .

Invite them to yours for a holiday. Put them up for a week each and cycle through them over the year. Have Christmas alone at home.

You save the 10k, they get a holiday for the cost of flights and they get to be in your fabulous and much sought after company and you get a peaceful Xmas. Everyone wins.

LoniceraJaponica, bit insensitive given the OP has just been through ivf, I would have given the world to be a family of 3 before we were fortunate enough that our treatment worked out. I’m sorry that you don’t have lots of invitations at Christmas.
OP, hope all works out for you too and like the idea above of a group email saying how much you are looking forward to seeing everyone but also to a well deserved break.

Still can't get over the £10K

I always fly economy because I can't afford anything else. If I had £10K to blow I'd fly home on economy (I've done it from UK to Australia and it was fine), spend a few weeks catching up with friends and family and still have plenty left over for an actual holiday.

I know the feeling of yore. Travelling thousands of miles with two tiny children in our holiday time only to spend time listening to ticking clocks in relatives' front rooms.
We did that a couple of times then put our feet down and cut back. You just have to be honest I'm afraid. You're being very reasonable to want some
Rest

What's the difference between an expat and an immigrant?

Prejudice. HTH.

As an aside, I hate the term ex pat. Why not just say immigrant?

Good luck with the IVF.

What's the difference between an expat and an immigrant?

I don't think it is just prejudice - I think they are two different things.

I think of ex-pats as people who are working on contracts overseas - usually places like Dubai etc. They don't want to become emirati or Chinese or whatever - just work there for a while, make money, enjoy, and move on somewhere else. I worked for a company that had people working on "expat" contracts in places like Egypt, Jordan, Singapore etc. They moved there for 1-3 years but their children went to international not local schools, they weren't aiming to become naturalised.

I am an immigrant. I moved to the US, became a citizen, my children are of this country.

I fly to Australia at Christmas and because I am tied to school holiday dates it always costs around £4000 just dd and me. So even being very careful with money and having some free accommodation it still usually ends up being at least £6000 or so.

I now try to be a bit selfish with my time, because I just need a break!!