This is not my idea of a 10k holiday !

[Itwillgeteasieripromise]

Ex pats, heading home for Christmas after a tough year, not taken any leave really in 12 months and just finished an ivf cycle with one in the freezer for when we get back. We need a rest, DH and I are shattered.
I love my family dearly, but dear god the demands !!! Every day I'm literally sent a list of 'events' to attend, including helping my sister with her kids while she has to work late. Coming home is expensive, all
you seem to do is be expected to come to people because they are so busy with Christmas. Everyday day I'm literally sent a new invite, if it's not a birthday party, it's a school play ! It doesn't help that DH and I are from opposite ends of the country (and his family think I'm a spoiled bitch) If you think of what a holiday would look like if you spend 10k I can promise you, I wouldn't be rushing around like a headless chicken, spending it sat in people's living rooms seeing their kids and being an unpaid babysitter for family ! (Rant over) I am excited honestly, but it almost feels like an ex pat tax that you have to pay every couple of years .....

I hear you OP.

I also live overseas, I recently went back to the UK for a holiday to visit family. Whilst it was really lovely to be back I decided that after 12 years of doing a massive tour around the country seeing friends and family I had had enough.

I stayed with my parents and siblings, fortunately one set are in London so arranged a catch up there, but just thought that if anyone else wanted to see us they could make the effort - AND THEY DID! It was fantastic to spend time with loved ones but also fantastic to actually get a break and not have to drive 100s of miles from one end of the country to another dragging my 2 children to spend time with strangers (to them).

Ignore all input from pps who have NO IDEA what it's like. They exactly the sort of people who would expect you to travel to see them for an afternoon, even though you have already travelled 1000s of miles and spent $$$ getting to the UK in the first place.

Best of luck with the ivf - having been there myself, also endured it whilst living o/s and totally get what you say about just longing for a hug from your mum. It's shit. I hope you manage to get some warmth and love from your family at Xmas and make it manageable for you and your DH after a shitty year.

When we were expat, Christmas would be minimum 10k ( 3 kids, flights 5k). But I took control and rented a massive house for family to come and stay over the holiday week, which was a big part of the cost.

In the end we decided it wasn't worth it. And stopped doing it at Christmas, when flights and accommodation costs spiked. Summer is much easier.

Enjoy it for what it is this year, take the emotional highs, and lows but do it at a less emotive time of year in future.

Also overseas and totally know where you’re coming from.

We have family and friends dotted all around the UK so plenty of 4/5 hour drives for us when we’re back. It’s tiring and exhausting and lovely and happy all at the same time. I’d love to host a big event for everyone to travel to us but unfortunately I know some family wouldn’t make the effort. If it was just me I’d not bother but I feel it’s important for my DC to know their relatives so we suck it up and do it. We actually always end up with a spreadsheet to work out how to fit everyone in.......

One thing it isn’t is a holiday! I used to arrive back home shattered and drained so now we tack on a holiday on our way back. This summer we went to Italy and it was amazing. Had a proper family holiday so when we got back I felt relaxed, rejuvenated and remembered the good bits. Not so tired and grumpy all I could remember was the 4 hours sat on the M25 to get to a siblings house and they were at Tesco!

Yeah, 10 k easily.

Our holiday cottage is 2k for 2 weeks this Xmas in the UK. Then flights, hire car, etc. Adds up.

Feel your pain op, I fear a lot of our 'holiday' will be spent in folk's living rooms....

yeah OP, you might have been better posting this in Living Overseas

but I do know how you feel - I've lived in East Asia for the last 27 years and going back to visit the UK is expensive and not all that relaxing!

Hope you can have a bit of TLC once you're back tho -

Sounds exhausting and very expensive. I think I'd just focus on it'll be viewed as your 'trip home', not a holiday. And as such everyone's 'at home' when you visit, and will be obviously getting on with their daily lives including work commitments. It's not their 'holiday time' either. They'll be chuffed that you're back but it's never going to be viewed as a holiday when it's officially 'home' (even though not your home anymore). Which possibly sounds clear as mud.

If you've lived away you understand and I can see from these replies these are mostly from us on the other side of the world as the UK should be asleep ! DH and I would love to go in summer, however I work in construction and DH in tertiary education where everything shuts over Christmas so for our industries it's really encouraged to take a break while it's quiet and your role doesn't suffer. We are doing stint in Asia on the way back, plus will spend time in my parents property which is remote and have booked a city break (see how £10k easily gets spent) It's just all the other running about from my other family home to DH's family which is a 1000km round trip. Not to mention trying to see friends or helping out with Christmas chores (like shopping, cooking etc) Again, not complaining but don't think we really thought this through this year .....

So you've basically booked a holiday stop off in Asia, plus a city break during your 'Christmas at home'? Obviously that'll click the price up way more, and in fairness why shouldn't you. As it's actually a combined holiday vs just a trip to just see family. However, I think it's a bit daft to not expect everyone to extend invites/offers whilst you are home though? If you don't want to accept the invites then don't? My BF is an expat and throws out her visit times homes, she then picks when/where/what she can do in the timeframe she has. But it's not a 10k trip home in fairness is it? It's the other holiday stop off/city break included too.

I hear you OP. I plan our Xmas in June They think we're crazy. Everyone is scheduled in. Complex family so we normally have 3 or 4 stops to get round. Thankfully no events or babysitting demands though!

I'm with you OP. It's the flying to the other end of the world, then traipsing to see as many people as possible from one end of the country to the other, with all friends seeming to expect that you go to them - preferably at the weekend - rather than coming to see you. Last time I made the trip, I organised a camping weekend in the middle of where most friends seem to be, and after much enthusiasm only 1/2 a dozen turned up. Don't get me wrong - I love to see old friends & family - but next time will make more effort for those who are prepared to take a day off and / or come to visit! Family are now much closer (only 8 hrs flight instead of 24) which eases things a bit...

@palliser
In places like Dubai/Shanghai etc you probably live in a compound with other "expats". your children go to international schools that locals don't go to. You don't need to learn the language. Those are people I think of as "expats"

I can't speak for Shanghai, but you are way off with Dubai. No such things as compounds. I work in an international school and 20% of kids are Emirati, which is not bad going when Emiratis make up only 20% of the population here. All children learn Arabic, it's part of the UAE curriculum. They have as many Arabic lessons as they do English lessons and are expected to be fluent in reading, writing and speaking when they leave school.

DH and I are staying here for Christmas. He's had to book annual leave, otherwise it would have been a normal working day.

I go back to UK once a year, from another EU country so not too far compared to some.

The last few times I have told less and less people that I am coming and I don't check in or post on Facebook.

This is because too many people expect me to go to them and certain people want too much of my time.

I go to see my Dad and my brother and his family, not to go shopping every day or for tea at someone's house 3 times in the same week.

I know folks want to catch up and I'm not ungrateful but if I have travelled 2500 miles I expect them to drive 10 miles to come to me, not me to them. Plus it is also a holiday for me from work so I want a bit of rest too.

I totally get this. We are expats in the USA, went back to the UK in 2008 from Asia where we were living at the time, 2 small kids (one was 3 months old) and swore we wouldn't go back for Xmas again. Last year, my df had a spell of poor health so we decided to head back again for Xmas. My family is in SE England, dh's family is in Scotland, cost GBP 6500 in flights and another couple of grand in hire car, fuel, hotel near the airport for a night etc. It was the most stressful trip, staying at someone else's small house when they're not well / elderly with over excited kids, jet lag, short days, having our time organized and fitting in with everyone else's schedules.. our families are great but they have not been expats and don't really get what it's like to travel with a family and it not be a vacation. Will not return this Christmas .... just went back in October so that we dont feel we should..

Been there! You are doing it all wrong sorry. You plan a family catch up, and a friend catch up. Each event is at a venue and they all come to you on that day. If not they don't see you. When you get an invite say you aren't making plans until you arrive, if it's babysitting just say you have no way of knowing if you can, so it's best they find someone that can commit. I stopped visiting in the end, it was too hard.

Not being funny but if 'you choose' to move to opposite end of the world then frankly that's your choice, and no doubt based on a decision that benefits you personally. If it then costs you 5k to come home well then that's the choice you actively made based on your decision. No one can really get fucked off that their choice is then upsetting someone else's daily routine and they may not want to use up paid/unpaid leave to accommodate the fact you chose to move in the first place? Or am I missing something? Does someone emigrating then put everyone else's life into the shade because aforementioned person chose a convenient time for them to travel home?

I’m an expat and I feel your pain. Only once you’ve done the christmas trip home would you understand. We did it once, 8 years ago. Never again!!! It was horrific. We now only ever visit in the summer, and it’s always so much more relaxed. Christmas is a terrible time to visit as everyone has expectations and plans for you, and you can’t actually spend quality time with people - instead it’s mass meetings and everyone drinking. The kids are overwhelmed with presents (most of which you can’t afford to ship back) and rich food. Plus the days are short and freezing.

No, it's not my idea of a 10k holiday.
But it is one of the costs (cash wise, and mentally) of living away from family.
That said, on the years I go back without DH, I just visit my parents, and since thats about 3 hrs from anyone else I'd want to visit, we just dont arrange anything. We focus on stuff for the kids - Santa and ice skating and proper Christmas trees and decorations (not the crappy stuff I've made) and all the things we just can't do here.

We are definitely Expats. We gave no intention of settling here (and legally can't, as soon as DH no longer works here, we have to leave). For me, Expats are transitory. Immigrants intend to move permanently to the new country.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Been there, done that and you need to stop trying to please everyone. It’s your holiday and you’ve traveled thousands of kilometres. If people were that bothered about seeing you, they would be willing to travel a few kilometres themselves. We ran ourselves ragged our first trip home and it wasn’t a holiday, it was an ultra-marathon. Find somewhere YOU want to stay, tell everyone that needs to know where you are and when you’re available for them to come to you.

Dh is foreign. We used to run ourselves ragged... until we lived close to his family for a while and they couldn’t be bothered to drive for an hour to see us. In fairness they couldn’t be bothered to drive a Km to see us at his dads house. I’ve also done the expat thing and ivf. I feel for you.

I do think an advance email is a good thing. You need to be on form for ivf. It will increase your chances. And ignore people’s sour grapes like that from Lornica.

Btw. The difference is between migrant and expat. Expats are usually on all expense paid super duper contracts. Migrants aren’t. They move to different countries for a period of time to find work. The former is prestigious. The latter is often frowned upon sadly.

Not being funny but if 'you choose' to move to opposite end of the world then frankly that's your choice, and no doubt based on a decision that benefits you personally

This. My bother makes a big deal about coming 'home' nearly every year, he wizzes around the country seeing everyone and seems exhausted. I don't know why he bothers.

Are you that sure everyone is that bothered about seeing you anyway?

I understand you very well OP. Anyway, expats are people who move somewhere temporarily specifically for a job with the idea that eventually they return. Not always super duper mega contracts either... My sister spent years working in the charity sector as an expat. she got paid what barely amounted to minimum wage, and didn't have any f the usual perks such as accommodation paid for.

I am a migrant.I have moved permanently to the UK from my home with no intention of returning. I, DH and our Ds's try and 'go home' every third year for Christmas. It easily costs 10K for the flights for us and that is economy..... because it is Christmas and so flights are more expensive. I actually dislike going at this time.....you have the wierd dynamics of some family who resent you for leaving ('you are like the prodigal daughter when you are here- everybody fawns over you' ) and then all the expectations that you see everyone, visit everyone, etc. You feel like a performing seal. Then there are the issues where there is residual guilt of leaving family when people are getting older... you are no longer really part of things anymore etc.

It's complicated. And I am usually drained with exhaustion and guilt when I leave. And I don't have such things like IVF cycles to deal with.

So i get you, OP.

OP I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. We are also expats and weighed up going 'home' for Christmas. In the end, we decided it really wasn't worth it, financially and otherwise, and for the second year running have decided to spend Christmas here and invite family to us instead.

I am also an expat. However, all of my friends have forgotten me (despite my best efforts) and have a tiny family so when I go home, no one really cares.

The grass is always greener. Be grateful that you have people who want you in their life.

I completely get you, OP, but have lived away from England for nearly 30 years now, and consider myself an ex-pat, not an immigrant. Going home, even just from Europe, could not be considered a holiday, but a busy trip visiting people and could cost a fortune travelling round the country.
(By the way, I take issue with the poster who says there are no compounds in Dubai, as I have lived in one for years (Emaar community). )

Even with the follow up posts you really are not coming across very well. If you don't want to see your family, and you really don't sound like you do, then why not take a trip elsewhere? Your ILs have got you spot on.

I lived in Australia for five years, the purpose of our trips back to the UK during that time was to visit people. We also tagged on a bit of time for trips to London, the Cotswolds etc for ourselves and managed to do this wuite easily and without moaning about having to visit our families.