This is not my idea of a 10k holiday !

[Itwillgeteasieripromise]

Ex pats, heading home for Christmas after a tough year, not taken any leave really in 12 months and just finished an ivf cycle with one in the freezer for when we get back. We need a rest, DH and I are shattered.
I love my family dearly, but dear god the demands !!! Every day I'm literally sent a list of 'events' to attend, including helping my sister with her kids while she has to work late. Coming home is expensive, all
you seem to do is be expected to come to people because they are so busy with Christmas. Everyday day I'm literally sent a new invite, if it's not a birthday party, it's a school play ! It doesn't help that DH and I are from opposite ends of the country (and his family think I'm a spoiled bitch) If you think of what a holiday would look like if you spend 10k I can promise you, I wouldn't be rushing around like a headless chicken, spending it sat in people's living rooms seeing their kids and being an unpaid babysitter for family ! (Rant over) I am excited honestly, but it almost feels like an ex pat tax that you have to pay every couple of years .....

That’s just the thing, we don’t feel chained, we actually want to have our close family near by.
No one said those that make other choices are cold, but it does seem they are more able to switch off and detach than others.
It seems you have this image of those of us with strong family connections as having sacrificed opportunities somehow. I find that confusing as I sit in my lovely home, enjoying my six figure salary.
I agree with the previous poster that the OP’s original post feels more and more self absorbed every time I read it.

Um @sb74 how dare you judge the lives of people who move away?!

hmmm I wonder what you were expecting - this is what Christmas is like for everyone ? If you wanted a relaxing holiday rather think you should have booked one ?

You can always say no to invitations - but what would you be doing instead ?

@SamFox literally no one on this thread has said you can't do well and be prosperous in the UK.

I know that very well - currently I'm lying in bed on garden leave while still receiving my 6 figure salary.

But it's a simple fact that declining jobs unless they are within a certain radius of my family limits my opportunities.

Dexy, I’m not judging the lives of people who move abroad. But if you move abroad don’t moan about having to come back to see your family in a different country. I have no sympathy for the OP in relation to the holiday part. What she’s saying sounds ridiculous. I mean boo hoo- How dare her family make lots of plans to see her every two years!! Two years??!! It’s just madness. Anyone who can live that way to me is not family-oriented and I just think it’s very sad.

And your opportunities are the most important then? Right?
My point entirely. People make choices based on what is important to them. For you opportunities outweigh other things that someone else may feel are paramount.

I would be devesated if one of my children moved so far away. I would move us all to the same country to be with them

Really? It’s not practical.

So my parents should move to the USA (where we are only temporarily) - what about their U.K. based grandchildren? What about their own lives in the U.K.?

Not everyone who moves abroad goes permanently.
You need to live your own life and let your children lead theirs.

My parents lived all round the U.K. for work, moving round the world isn’t that much different to what they did.

@Sb74 you just called me selfish and lacking in family values - I'd call that pretty judgemental! Amazed that you can't see the irony of your previous comment. I'm judging your parochial simplicity and you're judging my selfishness. Can we just call a spade a spade?

@SamFox yes, while we all have our respective support networks and are in good health we're going to go have an adventure and better ourselves. Not sorry and my parents are luckily so supportive and excited for us. The more of these threads i read the more i see how lucky i am to have such wonderful parents.

sb74 people live abroad for all sorts of reasons.

Adventure. Experience. Met someone. Got told to go by work. Shit UK weather. Shit UK economy.

It's so closed-minded to assume that the only reason to live abroad is 'an enviable lifestyle'.

There are immigrants/expats/whatever in the UK too, do you think they all have 'an enviable lifestyle'.

Some of you seriously sound like you have never spoken to anyone apart from people exactly the same as you.

Dexy gardening leave is a total waste of money. I remember getting it in the civil service.Ridiculous. I'm sure someone could have used help.

Also: "I would be devesated (sic) if one of my children moved so far away. I would move us all to the same country to be with them"

Just crazy. How totally suffocating.

I'm an immigrant and my lifestyle is far from enviable! 😂

I just love my family and want them in my life. . Ok so maybe I am being judgemental. That’s my view. I am highly successful in my career and have a great work life balance with my kids and hubby. We have a lovely life with lovely holidays. Which includes good relationships with our parents and siblings. My sister is one of my favourite people and I wouldn’t want to be without her in my life. People have different values in life. I think sometimes people only understand how important family is when it’s too late. There’s never going to be agreement on this as we all have our views but people generally only consider their own needs when moving away from family. It’s certainly not in the family’s interest is it? This is the world we live in though.

@boredretiree totally agree! Criminal waste of company money and redources. But 6 months off at full pay - can't say I'm complaining

sb74 It's not about values. Why is it not in the family's interest? I get along far better with my parents with thousands of miles of sea between us. You sound really judgemental, you have no idea of people's circumstances, what they value etc.

By moving away, I have been able to save up enough money that I do not ever have to rely on my parents. My brother, on the other hand, got a massive handout from them for his mortgage. So who is the one who values them in this scenario?

Some people bring up their kids to be independent and adventurous. That's what I want for my daughter, not for her to be beholden to me. I want her to be able to feel she can go and live on top of a remote Nepalese mountain if that's what suits her personality. If she wants to stay near us, that's great too.

Some people also have no choice.

I have strong family values, sadly my parents don't really, so why am I the selfish one for moving?

Just accept that some people are different and it doesn't mean they are selfish or don't value their families. They may just do it in a different way to you.

Not everyone has to be the same. You don't know everyone's story.

Also, you can live abroad and have family in your life. Skype exists. Whats app exists. Aeroplanes exist.

Sb74 I love and value my family too. They are in our lives. They are a priority.

They just don’t live round the corner.

@Sb74 "I just love my family and want them in my life."

Yeah...me too?

I assure you it's possible to be very close to your family and to love them dearly whilst spreading your wings.

But in any event this isn't the point of this thread. The OP needed a head wobble and be told she should manage her plans and expectations better next time, and be grateful she has so many friends and family that want to see her.

Despite being a (soon to be) expat/immigrant myself I was happy to tell the OP she was being unreasonable, but i managed to do it in a respectful way without castigating her as a heartless, selfish woman who obviously doesn't value family life and is out only for herself.

I will NEVER understand the MN need to condemn the OP as an unpleasant humam being just because you fundamentally disagree with them. Chip in, share your views - that's what AIBU is about - but try and find fulfillment some other way than trolling strangers on the internet.

Pot calling kettle there much!??
The OP post sounded very self absorbed and hence lots of related comments .....

I don't blame you for enjoying that Dexy. who wouldn't. I guess in the civil service it annoyed me because the taxpayer pays. i dont know the details of your employers but I wonder how many times this happens and who loses - Shareholders?? Unbelievable -6 mths -goodness! Mine was a couple of weeks. Still, mustn't get too serious. Enjoy your break. I'm sure a lot of people envy you 😊

Wow there’s so much defensiveness and obnoxiousness on this thread. I’m an emigrant and I even left two of my adult children behind. There are planes. I would hope that my other kids grow up confident and adventurous enough to leave me behind when they grow up. I also think if families stay living close together that’s good for them, but saying that people who leave family behind (for work or whatever) and go abroad are self-centred or don’t value family relationships is utterly absurd. It just sounds defensive and jealous to me. Every body has a different life and they should do what they see fit with it. Nobody should be beholden to their parents.

@SamFox fwiw i think you sound really self-absorbed for having the attitude that your family should physically stick by you forever and if they don't then they obviously didn't care much for you anyway. To me that's pretty entitled.

The OP post sounded very self absorbed

Only to those who don’t understand her perspective.

Those of us who have been through the same thing understood exactly what she was saying.

@boredretiree that's a fair point. Agree re waste of public resources. I actually work a partnership so no shareholders (who are often pension funds!) to lose any sleep over. I am enjoying it very much and until the leaves took over my garden never looked better.