This is not my idea of a 10k holiday !

[Itwillgeteasieripromise]

Ex pats, heading home for Christmas after a tough year, not taken any leave really in 12 months and just finished an ivf cycle with one in the freezer for when we get back. We need a rest, DH and I are shattered.
I love my family dearly, but dear god the demands !!! Every day I'm literally sent a list of 'events' to attend, including helping my sister with her kids while she has to work late. Coming home is expensive, all
you seem to do is be expected to come to people because they are so busy with Christmas. Everyday day I'm literally sent a new invite, if it's not a birthday party, it's a school play ! It doesn't help that DH and I are from opposite ends of the country (and his family think I'm a spoiled bitch) If you think of what a holiday would look like if you spend 10k I can promise you, I wouldn't be rushing around like a headless chicken, spending it sat in people's living rooms seeing their kids and being an unpaid babysitter for family ! (Rant over) I am excited honestly, but it almost feels like an ex pat tax that you have to pay every couple of years .....

I think it takes a certain kind of person / mentality to move thousands of miles away from close family long term. In my experience, very self serving.

You do understand Sam that not everyone who moves abroad really has a choice?

That if your employer says “move” then you don’t akways really have a proper choice to say “no”. Not without ruining your career.

Moving somewhere sunny isn’t all roses you know, even if you do have a pool or a fancy house.

Each family is different but personally I am in closer contact and do more for my elderly relatives from 4000 miles away than my sibling does from a few hundred miles down the road.

You are using your bad experience of one selfish relative to kick the OP when she’s down.

I always say no these days. I am not interested in spending my only 2 weeks off travelling round like a loony and looking after my sisters kids.
I've told everyone I'm working this christmas but I'm actually on my own at home with my cat in my pyjamas.
I'd be inclined to spend xmas at home with your family and visit another time, summer would be much more relaxing.

Absolutely enviable - still waiting for the swimming pool that @Hisaishi mentioned, though. Perhaps I should throw a big tantrum!
There are many benefits to living overseas, but pp is right it does take a special kind of person - someone who is flexible, adapts to change tolerant and takes on new challenges.
A lot of us make living overseas look really easy, but I am pretty confident every expat on this thread has had an 'oh fuck, what have we done moment!

@ShanghaiDiva

oh fuck, what have we done moment!

Yep, it's been nearly 6 years for us and I think this most days, especially this time of year...

I think I’ve hit a nerve!
All these ‘ex pats’ desperately justifying themselves!
I am perfectly happy thank you and most definitely have a passport (that is used extensivly)

And everyone does have a choice, career included.
No career or parter can soften the blow when a parent dies that you haven’t seen for months / years.
Just my experience again, but you don’t want to hear it because it makes you feel bad.

Just my experience again, but you don’t want to hear it because it makes you feel bad

Who doesn't want to hear it?

How can you assume it makes someone feel bad? Projecting much?

"All these ‘ex pats’ desperately justifying themselves!"

No one's justifying themselves.

They're discussing.

It's a discussion board.

The same way you're discussing your passport. Which in your eyes would be called 'justifying'.

No career or parter can soften the blow when a parent dies that you haven’t seen for months / years.

So you would advocate that I leave my DH or my DH resigns his job to stay at home and look after our (perfectly healthy) parents Sam?

Because my parents would have been absolutely furious if we’d done that.

They have always been very clear that our lives are ours to live and we should make the most of the opportunities offered.

Neither of my parents stayed in the area they grew up in both settled several hundred miles away from their parents.

I certainly would want my own children not to marry or have interesting careers just because I was going to get old.

The wonders of technology mean that we can FaceTime at least once a week, use WhatsApp in between.

I’m not “desperately” trying to defend myself I’m just trying to help you understand.

And that’s exactly what my PIL said to my SIL, live your life etc, and they meant it. However DH and I witnessed the utter heartbreak that was left.
I assume your parents are much younger.
Whatever, it doesn’t matter.
Just there is a different perspective, the one of the close relatives left behind.
Having seen this with my in laws I would NEVER put my own parents through it.

Seems Sam understands perfectly.

Two siblings with aging parents, one leaves for a life abroad, the other stays.
One does all the day to day shit work and watches parents age and waste away.
The other jus calls when they can be arsed.
One sorts meals and drs and shopping and medicines and carers and getting mum dressed in a mornings, the other visits for a fortnight and leaves again.

Eventually parents die, one sibling has been there and seen it all and helped, one sibling hasn't.

And whilst both grieve, one believes the other has no right to grieve as they weren't there for months doing the shit work. Resentment builds between them and before long their relationship is dead too. So not only have they lost parents, they've lost each other.

(That was my experience by the way, not necessarily Sams)

SIL grieves the hardest because it’s accompanied with guilt.
However her visits home are like the fucking arrival of the Pope and it’s a ball ache.

It has to be said Klutzy that one of my parents went through a similar experience and their sibling stayed in the same town as their parents.

Being geographically close is no guarantee that someone will step up and help. Being far away doesn’t mean that you do nothing and don’t care.

Being far away doesn’t mean that you do nothing and don’t care.

Never said it did and didn't say which sibling I was.

Don’t know if the passport comment is aimed at me but I’m very well travelled thank you very much. If it’s not an enviable lifestyle why do it? What’s the point if it all? If you move away then tough luck! You make that choice so if you care at all about your family you need to go back to see them and that means fitting in to their boring lives for a couple of weeks or so. I think it’s selfish to moan about all this. If you’d rather spend £10k on a nice holiday then don’t move away. You have to weigh things up in life and make sacrifices. You just want it all!!!

I know you didn’t Klutzy but that has been the implication throughout the thread.

I have friends who seem to get it right. They’ll say that they’re coming over for four weeks over the summer. They’ll be spending one week at his parents’ house. Then they’ll be going off on a family holiday to say Cornwall or somewhere in mainland Europe for a week, then a week back in UK visiting friends and family in London, then a week at another place for a holiday. If people want to join them at holiday destination it’s an option, but the reality is they only have about a day to schedule you in over those four weeks! I can see why they do it now; the dw isn’t from the UK (she’s from their home country) and I guess she’s put her foot down at some point and insisted that it’s meant to be a family holiday as well as a visit. This thread has helped me to realise now why their time is so limited!

But I guess it’s easier over the summer; Christmas is a busy and stressful time even when you live here, especially if you have family all over the country.

My brother and sister live overseas and I have to say I expect them to do the visits back; their motivations are pretty much solely financial and they have to take the cost of visiting family as part of the package!

We're only in Europe but it pisses me off the number of people who say, "oh yay, you're in the UK, come and visit us," not noticing that we've already done hours of travel and spent a not inconsiderable amount of money. Why should we rent a car/ spend hours on a train when you could jump in YOUR car and come here for a few hours? AMD of top of that having to deal with the emotion of saying hello to dear family and friends and just as quickly goodbye, particularly to the older generation you're not sure you will see again 😭

Some very unkind comments here. I do understand. My brother used to feel the same when he came home to stay at mums at Christmas. We all visited him. It was too much to visit everyone. If you wanted to see him - go to mums. And nothing wrong with emigrating. I wish I'd done it. We don't know how parents will end uo. You can't base your whole life on that. I wouldnt ask my children to do that.

The mummuonthebus. It’s all your choice though isn’t it? No matter what the reason you chose to live away,so people will expect you to visit them. I love travelling but I would never chose to live away from my family. A number of people have sadly passed away recently that I know. Too young to go. It gives you a different perspective on life when it hits home that it could all be gone in a moment. So you need to decide what’s important to you. If living away from family to enjoy whatever you get out of that is most important than that’s you choice. But sacrifices come with that. I agree with those who have to look after their parents etc at home while their sibling lives abroad. How do people in that situation have the cheek to complain that visiting family ruins their holiday time?

...and OP I think you’ll find that the intensity of the visit, in terms of invites and demands etc is out of your family’s excitement and them trying to make the most of you seeing them whilst you’re there. I guess that what happens when you visit every two years? Give them a break!! I think it’s probably perfectly normal to behave as they are. They are fitting in 2 years worth of family time into a week or two. But that’s a sacrifice you make when you chose a different life.

I get it, Op. My trips back to my home country cost a bundle, as we're limited to school holidays, and are far from enjoyable. Yes it's nice to catch up with family and friends but it's so, so hard to please everyone. We gave up on the notion of going back for Christmas once my son was born. Christmas just adds an extra element of "obligation" that is hard to get away from. I find summer trips home far more relaxing.
Those giving you grief on this thread have most likely never lived further than a couple hours drive from family and couldn't possibly relate to life abroad.

...and what’s wrong with living near your family? At least we can book £10k holidays and enjoy ourselves whilst seeing our families whenever we want and not considering it a burden to visit them. I’ve read the op 3 times and it just annoys me more each time. Completely self centred attitude.

There's nothing wrong with living near your family but it necessarily limits your life opportunities.

I moved to London for work, about 500 miles and a flight away from family. For a great job, but incidentally the only job offer I got (in 2009 - not a great time to graduate!)

I met my Dutch DH down here. He moved over here to improve his English and ended up enrolling for uni here. I got offered a great new job with a promotion and we are now emigrating to Sydney.

That's how our lives panned out. We are doing well, our families are all fit and healthy. Yes things might change and we might need to reasses as we go along but the idea that both of us are inherently selfish and 'cold' because we left our hometowns (and are now leaving the continent) just infuriates me. Not because i am riddled with guilt or because i don't like hearing the truth but because that attitude is so toe-curlingly insular and parochial.

Are all of you advocating staying close to family honestly saying that if your son or daughter moved to be with a great partner from the opposite end of the country that you would take umbridge and seethe over their lack of family values?!?!

I don't know who i feel sorrier for - you for obviously having felt chained to your locale all your life, or your families, who fear that if they try and live their lives that you'll hold it against them.

How dare you judge the lives of people that value their families. How arrogant. I am very happy and successful in my life. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be near your family. I think it is selfish to move thousands of miles away for a job but that’s your choice. People can live a completely fulfilled life in UK. I enjoy seeing the world but family is my priority. You can kid yourself all you want but moving away breaks parents hearts. I would be devesated if one of my children moved so far away. I would move us all to the same country to be with them. I feel sorry for you that you are so selfish and lack family values.