Being banned from the mitchen

[Elphie54]

(Light hearted in case it isnt obvious):

After nearly successfully burning down the kitchen, my other half has told me I am no longer allowed in the kitchen without adult supervision (he is obviously joking). My horrible crime that led to that? I accidentally put something in the microwave for 13 minutes instead of 1:30 minutes. Around minute 7, I smelled something burning and thought the neighbors were burning food, to look over and realize there was smoke coming from the kitchen. Yikes! Thankfully there were no flames.

Help me feel a bit better about myself? What are some of your worst kitchen disasters?

Drunk. Hungry. Pizza in the oven.

You can see where this is going.

I fell asleep and woke up about 3 hours later with 2 smoke alarms going off, I couldn't see anything for black smoke. I ended up opening the front door (terraced house) and wafting the smoke as best I could, I was hammered. Only after the smoke alarms had stopped did I realise I was stood in my undies because I'd apparently stripped off when I got in

I learnt how to Flambé fish fillets the other day.

I wasn't actually intending to, and the recipe didn't call for it, but I'm noting it down as a good thing.

A couple of years ago I put some Lurpak in the microwave for 20 secs to soften it for baking. Unfortunately I just put it in there in the foil wrapper. Cue me screaming 'shit, shit, shit, shit, fire!' about 3 secs later!

Didn't put the lid on the blender properly. Drenched myself in boiling chicken stock. That was quite nasty, actually.

Instructions from Mother, later expanded upon by wife and extended to include sons:

Do not melt chain grease for your motorcycle chain on the hob.
Do not put cylinder heads in the dishwasher, especially not on the pots and pans cycle and double emphasis on leaving pots in.
Do not bypass the thermostat on the oven to head suspension components. Especially without reconnecting it after use.
Do not put bearings in the freezer overnight prior to fitting into said suspension components. Never established the problem with that one - they were still in their plastic wrapper.
Do not boil in dishwasher detergent.... substitute banned mechanical component of your choice... on the hob, in the oven, anywhere near the mitchen.
Do not heat steel components by putting them directly onto the induction hob.

I have done most of the boring obvious things everyone has mentioned, especially mistyping microwave timings.

Do not drop a new 2 litre bottle of Cola in the middle of a midnight nibbles run. I can understand Cola on the floor, on the worktop, on the wall. Even inside the drawers. Even on the ceiling. But inside the light fitting?

My DF decided, against DM's advice, to dry fresh sage in the microwave. It caught fire and the stench of burning sage lingered in the kitchen for literally a couple of weeks but luckily (?) the rest of the house only took a few days to clear.!

Not a kitchen disaster but DF built an extra shelf at the top of the airing cupboard to keep his home brew/home made wine warm during fermentation. Can't remember exactly what exploded but DM was not happy (understatement of the year ) . Everything had to be rewashed (and lots of it re-ironed) down to the dusters and cleaning rags at the bottom, plus the bits of glass caused a promblem with the washing machine. DF stupidly commented that DM should have been more careful about removing the glass - light blue touchpaper and stand back!

My younger brother tried to microwave a jar of nutella when he was about 11 so it was easier for him to spread. He didn't take all of the foil off of the top and was then confused as to why the Microwave was making 'lightning'

My other younger brother came to stay with me earlier this year and wanted to heat up some left overs in the microwave. He warmed it up no problem, started eating it and decided it wasn't hot enough so put it back in... with the fork! Thankfully I happened to be in the kitchen and seen it just as he was about to press start - I told him about the Nutella story and said "Cool! I want to make lightning!"

Ex-p got a curry ready meal. It could only be cooked in the oven according to the instructions. He was adamant it would be okay in the microwave and wouldn't listen to me.

I went out to my friend's for a bit. Kitchen ceiling, walls & floor covered in curry, him with splotches of scald on his face. Apparently when he'd opened the lid it had gone up like Vesuvius. But he left it for me to clean up because it was my fault for buying the curry.

Part of why he's ex-p.

In my first house we had a tiny kitchen and an old electric cooker (the ones that have the spiral rings on the hob) which we rarely used, right in front of where the back door that had the letter box in it opened. One day I came in, picked up the post, threw it on top of the cooker and then realised there was a burning smell. One of the rings must have been knocked and it was on, hot, but not glowing red. I went to swipe the post off to stop it setting on fire and the palm of my hand stuck to the ring! I had a perfect burnt spiral shape over my entire palm. Learnt my lesson though, took an age to heal and hurt like hell!

I blew the door off the microwave using a single bottle sterilizer, basically a homemade ballistic missile. One hell of a bang .

My poor DP was standing about 2m away, nearly shit his pants, he want white and was physically shaking.

I blame my Dsis, who's instructions I was following!

I have also set fire to both a Christmas pudding in the microwave (the black smoke was something else) and a Croissant on the toaster warmer.

@Korvalscat I'm surprised your parents are still married after that remark

Not me, but my brother:

We were having fish fingers for dinner and my mother said to him that she'd be in the kitchen soon and to not touch anything.
He decided to "help" and put the frying pan on the hob, put some oil in, turned the whole thing on and left the kitchen
I noticed when I went to the loo five minutes later and thought, funny, since when did we have orange light in the kitchen.

Thanks to my mums very quick reaction, it was only the pan that was damaged, nothing else. But he got a good telling off after that.

My mum was doing something that involved boiling bones in a pan... she was in the front room watching a film and forgot it was on the hob... till the awful stench of burnt bones came wafting up the hallway! That smell was in the whole house for about a week... it was awful!

I once tried to soften a curly wurly in the microwave forgetting the wrapper is metallic. It made a zap! zap! zap! noise and shrunk down to about 5cm within literally 2 seconds, a bit like when you used make crisp packet keyrings as a kid. I was gutter as I had no more chocolate in the house!

My dp came in a after a few drinks,put microwave chips in the microwave.Put it on for 30 minutes instead of 3.And then promptly fell asleep.
Luckily my eldest son was awake and smelt the smoke.We even put the pictures on fb of the chips.They where something else,so black.

Hes never lived it down.

I put a pan of porridge on when my twins were babies. They only needed 5/6 mins on the stove to simmer but my neighbour knocked up and I got so engrossed talking to her I completely forgot about them. Only realised about 20 mins later as my dog was barking like mad because the kitchen was full of smoke and smelt like burnt milk. Ended up having to throw the whole pan away!

I did the same as you. I put some frozen dumplings in the microwave and read the time for oven (12 mins) instead of microwave. Smoke billowing out and the microwave still smells funny. The kids still laugh about it now. If they smell smoke they say "Is mum microwaving dumplings again?"

Going back a few years, my mum was grilling something and got sidetracked. Lots of smoke. Next day, our poor budgie was dead in its cage.

I once spilled a large glass of cherryade (don't ask) onto our cream sofa. An hour later I was still sponging redness out of it and the carpet. Shamefully, I blamed the cat.

We had a new kitchen including oven fitted about ten years ago. The first time I used the grill, I used it with bacon. Big mistake.

Basically, if you don’t watch it, the buggering thing goes from cold to on fire within seconds. As it did this time.

I panicked, the neighbour who’d dropped round for a cuppa slung it out the back door.

First time I’d used it. First bloody time. I had to order a new rubber seal for the oven door - cost me £40!

I once tried to use the microwave to soften some runny honey that had crystallised - it was in a plastic bottle, and as the honey got hot, the plastic softened, and the bottle sagged over onto its side.

At the same time, the heat increased the pressure inside the bottle, forcing the now-molten honey out, in spurts, through the valve in the lid - all while the microwave plate continued rotating - so the spurts of honey were liberally coating the whole of the inside of the microwave, and when I opened the microwave door, it spurted hot honey at me too - and all over the utility room.

That was quite some cleanup!

Dh actually set fire to the kitchen a month after we moved in...he was grilling bacon, closed the door of the grill for some reason whilst it was on and when he noticed smoke billowing out, opened the grill door and flames shot out - it burnt the cooker, the wall next to it, the cupboard above it, the floor and there was a huge amount of smoke damage. The kitchen was the main reason I wanted the house - it was gorgeous! I was not amused...

One from my late MIL - from when dh and his brother were little.

She was cooking one of those syrup sponges in a tin - the sort you boil on the hob - and forgot about it so it boiled dry and exploded, launching the pan lid at the ceiling, spreading molten golden syrup all over the kitchen, and scaring the dog out of his wits - he took off like a rocket, through the glass in the kitchen door (thankfully without hurting himself), and went and hid down at the bottom of the garden.

I think he thought that, as the only one in the kitchen when the explosion happened, he'd get the blame!

I didn't realise the baby food pouches had metal lining inside them, or something. Put one in the microwave in the ikea cafe.. was like a firework display.

And for some bizzare reason, my mum had a packet of KP nuts in the corner of the microwave. I know this because it set the microwave on fire when she put some beans in...

My worst one was not putting the lid on the popcorn pan correctly, then using a washing basket as a shield to get to the pan.

DH was blitzing beetroot soup and forgot to put the lid on the blender...that mess had to be seen to be believed!