To ask how many people are haplily marrried to their soul mate and how many people feel they 'settled'?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

As title suggests.. im not looking for judgements and ceiticism but interested to know if many women on here spent their 20s and early 30s focussed on their career and independence etc and suffendly mid 30s panicked, wanted a family and 'settled'? Im 37 soon and realistically times running out for a family.. do you settle for a decent guy and have a family knowing thr relationship may not last or do you 'hold out for true love' and run the very real risk of missing out on longed for children??

Not sure that the 'true love' with endless hearts and flowers, hot dates and wild sex really exist after a year or so of living together - a few people say it does but when you drill down far enough there's still squabbles, deciding whose turn it is to make dinner, whether anyone has remembered to place the food shopping order or whose turn it is to do the ironing.
So if settling means have I chosen an average decent guy who pulls his weight, doesn't irritate me to the point of murder, is kind to his core and I actively enjoy his company above a hot hunk with a brain the size of a newt - then yeah, I have 'settled'. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have looked at him twice in my youth but I didn't want to settle down....so I guess the clues in the word 'settle'.
We have been together since my 40s but I already had a DD in my mid 30s by someone I didn't want to settle down with.
Assuming you are emotionally strong and are financially able, then you don't need a man to be a mum. But every man thereafter you will need to judge in the context of 'Do I want that man in my DCs life?' .....the way you look at and judge relationships after having a kid is a total game changer.

I adore my husband. We met at 20, married at 26 and are both now 31. One DC with another on the way. Don't get me wrong, we've had our ups and downs but as we've matured we know our triggers - when he is stressed at work, or if I'm worried about something. He is a wonderful father and the person I most enjoy spending time with. Our relationship is getting better as we mature and I feel very lucky.

I don’t believe in people having souls never mind having a soul-mate.

I haven’t settled. I found someone I like as well as love and we’ve been together 15 years.

I love my dh. We met at 21 and are 41 now. I also don't believe in soul mates. He's my best friend and the only man I ever want to be with but it takes work. Hard work and compromise and I desire to make the other person happy. I have not "settled" for him, but there are compromises made everyday. We are both imperfect people trying our best.

I think it's complicated. I've been quite surprised by the number of women who just married out of loneliness or nagging (!)

For me, there was a combination of spark and seeing potential/something different. I had a lot of family of origin baggage so I was desperate for stability too. Dh was so different to anyone else I'd ever met. I wanted a grown up. I wanted home.

So, I felt safe and like I could actually be myself with dh. I felt a spark of attraction. We had a shared vision of what we wanted in life and could agree on priorities. We grew up together.

I was young and stupid but I took the chance and I'm glad I did.

I think it can be hard to know at the time. I thought that two of my long term relationships were true love and looking back I now think.. wtf?!

Now on my third... and he’s definitely the best in bed! I can’t believe I nearly spent my whole life on mediocre sex. I thought it was fine at the time.

My first long term boyfriend died sadly recently. And my friend said that I’d been his one soul mate.

I don't believe in 'holding out for true love'. True love isn't some separate thing that exists out there waiting for you. It's something you work on and develop with your partner.

I'm jaded about soulmates because like some PP I had amazing chemistry with my ex, we thought we were meant to be. Same tastes in books, music, movies, we fell deeply in love and I genuinely thought this was the love of my life. But 2 years later he left and broke my heart.

We may have been soulmates on a level but that didn't stop us hurting each other and the relationship combusting.

My DH doesn't give me the same sparks or incredible romance and in that way you could say I settled. I didn't fall madly in love with him. Despite that I'm content and happy with the family we've built and couldn't ask for more.

I met my DH when I was 29 and he became a good friend, he asked me out when I was 31.I refused because I never ever wanted to risk losing him and not having him in my life and lovers always seem quite disposable in peoples lives.

After a few months we got together, we have had one rough patch in 22 years. On reflection now I know he is my soulmate but it took a couple of decades to realise it.

Its a tricky one as many awesome women i know in their mid thirties are in this position. I was lucky to meet my dh in my early 20s and i do believe he's the right one for me. I don't believe in soul mates either, but think you need to have a real connection to base the relationship on. Of my ex bfs, there are two who i had a similar connection with but felt even more strongly towards them, although i think this was more infatuation and I'm very pleased I didn't marry either of them as they both cheated on me! Our marriage has had its problems for sure, but at the end of the day we love each other and want to make a life and grow old together.

I would never settle to have a baby. Donor sperm would for sure be a better route to parenthood for a single woman. Don't bring a baby into a home where mum and dad don't really get on. Bring one into a loving home, with just mum and her friends and grandparents, and possibly a nice step father down the line if that happens.

I wonder how many of thr Husbands mentioned in this thread feel the same way, or if they 'settled' 🤔

I don't believe in the concept of Soul Mates. That there is just one person in world who is the perfect match and completes you (as if you aren't a complete person on your own). I actually think it can be quite a dangerous concept in some instances. It can keep people in bad relationships because they have been sold a fairytale.

I'm married to my soul mate. She doesn't "complete" me, she makes me always want to be better than I am so I can make her proud to be with me. I know she is the one as no one else has ever had such an effect on me. After 25 years we still act like we just started dating - flirting, spending time together and driving the kids bonkers together.

I met DH when I was 23 and determined to have as much fun as possible as a singleton in a new city. I wasn't looking to settle down at all, it just happened.

DH is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met (the other one being my mum lol). I am incredibly lucky. We got together age 20 and are now early 40s. I just hope I don't lose him early like I lost my mum 😢

I think the people saying they don't believe in soul mates are missing the point of the post. 'Soul mate' in the context is just a word for someone you actively want to spend your life with.

It's a genuine issue - it sucks to be a single woman in or after late 20s who wants kids. Risk being single and childless or 'settle' is often the decision people are faced with. I've seen my friends and family going through it and have tried not to be 'smug married' at them, probably unsuccessfully .

I think what's right for an individual depends on a lot of things (the quality of their 'settling' option, how important it is for them not to be alone, their financial situation if they are considering having a child with no partner). I don't think there's a one size fits all right answer.

I like to hope I wouldn't have settled (relationships need work and time and care, who wants to do that for someone they're not all that into) but who knows...

For those who don't "believe in" soulmates obviously haven't experienced meeting theirs

Could you be any more patronising?

*It really is the magical, 6th sense of wonder, unbelievable 'Mills and Boon" moment that is so breathtaking and otherworldly that you could not possibly mistake it for anything else.

It explains why most songs are written about it and is the most profound experience of one's life*

It’s a chemical reaction. There’s a reason “Mills and Boon” are (utterly awful!) fiction!

I don’t think it’s necessarily an either or thing. I think the person who is your soulmate in your 20s can feel like settling in your 40s. Times change, needs change. You can’t carry on being madly in love forever when nappies need changing and bins need taking out.

Met my DH at 17 and he's my first and only relationship.
We've been together 9 years, married for 5 years, have a 16mo DS and 18 weeks pregnant with another DS.
I can't imagine my life without him, we make each other's days better, but it still takes work.
I am greatful for the little things he does for me, and vice versa.
No relationship is easy, and we'll both be the first to admit we're annoying, it takes work. It takes knowing the good out weighs the bad.
I don't know about soul mate, but I'm happy with him and he makes me feel special everyday.
I don't know how I would've felt about kids if I hadn't met him. I didn't want any until 3 years ago (That's when we started trying for DS), I think if I was in an unhappy relationship or if I felt I'd "settled" I'd probably not be interested in kids.
But I guess I'll never know.

Many many years ago, I sligthly worried I might be settling, because I was getting married, and it wasn't to one of the men I'd had huge, big, gushing crushes on.

Now I'm married to my best friend, and can't imagine a life without him. Same bloke.

I don't believe in soulmates. I do believe in making a relationship work when there are more things right than wrong with it.

This. Get rid of the idea of soulmates - it doesn't help! There are probably people who are a better match for me than dh but 1) they might live in outer Mongolia 2) DH is a pretty good match and, more importantly, he wants to be with me - the rest you can work on.

I settled when I married my ex husband at 21, and my other ex husband at 31. Oddly enough divorced from them both, and then rekindled with a man who I dated from 17-20. He is perfect for me, and I am perfect for him. I'm not a believer in 'soul mates' but that is probably as close a description as you'll get. We married in October.

I married someone I knew was wrong for me at 28 when all my friends were getting married and having babies and I was lonely and scared and broody. I thought we at least both wanted the same things in life. Wrong, but it was hard to leave once the children were born and I knew I had made a cynical decision and he was perfectly happy.

I’ve since remarried and so has he, dh is much more of a soulmate and I regret the mess I made first time round.

If you must settle take it slow and choose someone you actually like.

I also don't believe in soul mates. Not because I'm a heartless cynic, but because it's nonsense. Believing in an ott, hearts and flowers ideal of a relationship causes lots of damage imo. It causes people to have silly, unrealistic expectations, encourages them to seek affairs to replicate the excitement of their early relationship, and encourages girls to fall for traits in men which should actually be a red flag ("But he treated me like a princess!" etc) or stay with them in spite of abuse 'because we're soul mates'.

I didn't settle. My dh is great and we are very happy together.

*For those who don't "believe in" soulmates obviously haven't experienced meeting theirs.

It really is the magical, 6th sense of wonder, unbelievable 'Mills and Boon" moment that is so breathtaking and otherworldly that you could not possibly mistake it for anything else.*

This is absolute nonsense and such a silly generalisation. I experienced all of this with my DH - except better because Mills and Boon is a load of badly written tripe. It was like being hit by an enormous sonic boom. Incredible. I fell completely and utterly and wonderfully in love and am still swimming around in there all these years later. I still don't believe in a single "soul mate" out there for you in the world, out of all the people in all the countries, and all these people who have met their just happened to be living near them, or at uni or school with them ...

Leave the soul mate claptrap for the likes of Elizabeth Taylor - every new husband was always "the one", "never known a connection like it" blah blah blah. Years ago a close friend of mine started an online relationship with a man in the USA. She hadn't been married long and was considering leaving her DH to go to this man in America. I tried to talk sense into her but she insisted he was her 'soul mate'. She left her DH and her adult children from her first marriage to go to this man. It lasted about 6 months.

I've been with my husband for 33 years. We have 2 amazing adult children and our own business. He's my best friend, but I don't for a moment believe there's no one else in the world I could have an equally successful relationship with.

I don't believe in soul mates, either. I do believe some people are better suited to each other than others, and some marriages work out better than others. What makes a good marriage will also look slightly different from one person to another. I definitely don't hold with any notions of destiny and pre-determined "belonging together".