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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my ex being unreasonable sending son back to me

106 replies

Hindsightandall · 26/11/2018 10:27

Ex has son until Monday as standard. Yesterday morning my son facetimed me to say he wanted to come to mine. Which is fine as I don't get to see him at the weekend anyway. I asked why and son said he just wanted to - but he never does this so I text my ex.

Ex said that if I was in and wanted him he was dropping him off because this had happened -

Son had been told off Saturday night for going to hit his little sister (he didn't as dad was there and intervened- sister is not my daughter) He sulked off to his room and then ex went in to tell him he needed to brush his teeth before he went to sleep. Son refused, ex said he doesn't get to refuse, got him out of the bed to brush his teeth.

In the midst of all this son said 'I want to go to my mums'. Ex said - if you say that again I will take you first thing in the morning (knowing he doesn't really want to) so son says it again. And ex says that's fine, ill drop you off tomorrow if your mums in.

Son wakes up and ex tells him to pack his stuff for his mums, at which point son says he doesn't want to go. Ex says tough basically. So he was dropped off.

Ex was basically saying he will not have him threatening him with that and if he says he wants to go to mine he will take him there. He knew he didn't want to and apparently son said to him yesterday morning he didn't want to come back to mine but ex said to him his actions/words have consequences and said that as he'd told him he would take him if he said it again, he couldn't not go through with it.

Was he being unreasonable ? Obviously I'm happy to have had him back (even though I know he didn't want to come) I'm not sure how I feel about it being a punishment tho. Son is 9.

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 26/11/2018 10:30

It's a bit weird, but actually I'd take it as a chance to talk to your son about not making false threats and especially not playing his parents off against each other. But I'd also have a word with your ex about not making this a regular thing. In future, whatever your son says, he has to stay at his dad's, and dad has to discipline him some other way.

multiplemum3 · 26/11/2018 10:31

Whilst it all sounds like a massive over reaction, and I do feel sorry for your son, he does need to learn that words to have consequences and he can't use that as a threat when he's getting told off.

IceRebel · 26/11/2018 10:31

Your Ex followed through. Sure the punishment of sending him back to your wasn't a great one, but if it was said in the heat of the moment then going back on it would have given the wrong message.

More concerning here was why a 9 year old would even think about, let alone try to hit someone younger than himself.

AamdC · 26/11/2018 10:32

Maybe a bit heavy handed but it sounds like he is trying to put boundaries in place?

SummersB · 26/11/2018 10:32

Your ex was BU, he should have told your DS last night that going back to yours wasn’t an option and have dealt with the bad behaviour, not sending him back to yours as essentially a punishment.
As a side note, are there any other issues here? Because I have a 9 year old DS and I would be worried if he was hitting his younger sister. I expected you to say he was no older than 4 or 5, at 9 he should know that you don’t hit.

Ozziewozzie · 26/11/2018 10:34

I personally would of given in to son, and let him stay but would have talked it through properly with him in a calm firm way.
If your son only sees ex at weekends, I’d want to encourage a more positive experience on visits. Obviously siblings fight sometimes so ex was right to intervene and to carry through what he’d warned but I’d personally cut your son a bit of slack. At 9 his understanding is good but his maturity still has a lot of growth to do. If your ex is usually like this with son then your son will learn just hopefully without resentment.

Original poster

Hindsightandall · 26/11/2018 10:42

I am torn myself to be honest. I get where ex is coming from because he basically doesn't want him playing us off against each other.
This hasn't ever happened before - and I'm pretty sure my son wouldn't say it again in a hurry, but yeah, just a bit miffed I guess.

He has son every Fri - Mon.

Re the hitting, he said they were playing with each other and his sister hurt herself and lashed out at son, he then went to hit her back.

Yeah I think i'm struggling to look past that fact that it was all over something trivial (refusing to brush his teeth) but obviously ex doesn't want to be threatened with 'well I want to go to my mums'

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 26/11/2018 10:48

Hmm difficult. I have a 10 yr old who's going through this cheeky defiant phase and will say things like that. I am a great believer in following through a bit like your ex. I'm guessing ex backed himself into a parenting corner and he had to follow through. I'm struggling with this myself as my ds keeps making threats he doesn't mean. Could his dad take him for tea one night this week and have a chat

Nesssie · 26/11/2018 10:49

I'm pretty sure my son wouldn't say it again in a hurry, - then it worked.
I think your ex did the right thing. Actions have consequences, and your ex followed through, it was a life lesson for your son.

Greensleeves · 26/11/2018 10:51

Ex needs to find another way of disciplining unwanted behaviour. it would have been incredibly hurtful and frightening for your son to be basically thrown out of his dad's home for what was a fairly typical 9yo comment. Yes, he shouldn't be playing one off against the other, but he's 9, and his dad shouldn't be playing the same game.

I don't think his going to hit his sister is particularly unusual at 9, it's wrong and requires a parental response, but it's well within the bounds of normality for a 9yo. Kids say and do things in anger. Your ex's actions here could cause real insecurity imo.

Innocentconglomeration · 26/11/2018 10:51

I wouldn't get upset about it just this once - ex followed through, sure it wasn't the greatest punishment but who hasn't said a punishment that wasn't a great idea on reflection?

Son learnt that if he mouths off it'll have consequences.

allmycats · 26/11/2018 10:52

Actions and words have consequences and your son is old enough to learn this.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 26/11/2018 10:55

I agree that he needs to find another way of addressing poor behaviour that doesn’t mean removing his contact time. Most parents don’t have the choice of saying I’ll send you somewhere else and they manage to have behavioural boundaries. Time with his dad should be a consistent given - not a reward for good behaviour and being sent to you shouldn’t be a punishment!

Flowerpot2005 · 26/11/2018 10:56

Your ex needs to step & learn how to parent his son.

Children who have to spend weekends away from their homes & their mum & will feel conflicted. Rather than punishing your son, he should try to appreciate what the situations like for 9yr old child & reassure because ultimately that's what your son wanted/needed.

He should also have more respect for your free time, you may well have had plans etc. It's not up to him if son comes home in such circumstances, it's yours.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 26/11/2018 11:00

I try not to rely on "do that again and..." but I can see how your ex backed himself in and had to follow through with the threat.

He should have ignored DS's request and punished the behaviour there and then. Removal of screen time/early bed etc. DS might not demand to be taken back to you again but has it really punished him for threatening his sister? As far as I can see the demand was made because he was made to brush his teeth.

cstaff · 26/11/2018 11:03

From a practical point of view this wasn't very fair on you. This is your weekend off and you could have been away or had plans and because he can't discipline his own child your weekend gets ruined. He needs to get his act together.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/11/2018 11:04

I don't see how your ex could have done anything differently once he warned your son not to say it again and your son ignored him.
Yes, it would have been better to tell him in the first place that going back to you wasn't an option, but that's with the benefit of hindsight.
Kids do push boundaries and it's right that your ex isn't being some kind of disney dad and is willing to establish rules and teach that there are consequences.
This wasn't about teeth brushing, this was about your son being rude to his dad and learning that stroppiness is not going to be tolerated.
But yes, agree with pp that if it's a one off, then fair enough, but it can't gecome a regular thing.

Original poster

Hindsightandall · 26/11/2018 11:05

Thanks for the responses - I'm going to let this one slide. We have a generally good relationship and my son adores his Dad. Its not a regular occurrence.

I text ex's wife about it before - she said ex was really gutted about it and that she did say she thought it was harsh but that ex had, as someone put it 'backed himself into a corner' and would never then go back on what he had said. She also said that ex did sit down with son before he was dropped off and explained to him that no one wanted him to go but that he needs to understand that he shouldn't say things and threaten things if he doesn't mean it. Lesson learnt I think.

Thanks for taking time to reply!

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 26/11/2018 11:06

Maybe every weekend isnt working for anyone he needs time with you at the weekend

Missingstreetlife · 26/11/2018 11:07

Why doesn't he want to come home? Why do you not ever have him at weekend? Hate punishing, doesn't work, but consequences should match and be related to the crime, be immediate if possible.

ems137 · 26/11/2018 11:09

Don't you ever get to spend any weekends with DS? Maybe the situation needs looking at because you won't get to spend much quality time together

I would hate to be used as a punishment. "If you do that again you're going to mums" that makes me quite sad really.

I think ex was in the wrong to say that but I do understand why he had to follow through

Original poster

Hindsightandall · 26/11/2018 11:11

@Quartz2208
@Missingstreetlife

We split when son was 1 year old, and did the Friday - Monday arrangement as I wasn't working and ex was. It just became routine and I missed the opportunity to change it when son started school.

My son now wouldn't have it any other way and is not happy if I ask him to stay with me on a Friday or to come back early etc.

OP posts:

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 26/11/2018 11:12

I think it probably wasn't your ex's finest parenting moment to threaten it in the first place, but heck, we all do things we regret.
But, I think it was entirely right to carry it through in this instance (which in the grand scheme of things was a fairly harmless consequence). Your son has learned a valuable lesson (and so, probably, has your ex).

2 things I'm wondering: one, why do you never have your son at weekends? And secondly, you say his dad got him out of the bed to brush his teeth. How did that actually happen? Force?

mostdays · 26/11/2018 11:13

I think your ex was wrong. Do you get to send your son away if he disagrees with you, or challenges you, or behaves in a way you don't like, etc? Your ex needs to actually parent, not overreact to minor misdemeanours. He sounds self important and silly, tbh, and I expect that's how his son will see him if this is how he continues as a father.

Quartz2208 · 26/11/2018 11:14

Then you need to say to your ex never use it again. He cannot use staying at yours as a punishment it makes it sound like you are second best to him

you need to tell him that -

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