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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my ex being unreasonable sending son back to me

106 replies

Hindsightandall · 26/11/2018 10:27

Ex has son until Monday as standard. Yesterday morning my son facetimed me to say he wanted to come to mine. Which is fine as I don't get to see him at the weekend anyway. I asked why and son said he just wanted to - but he never does this so I text my ex.

Ex said that if I was in and wanted him he was dropping him off because this had happened -

Son had been told off Saturday night for going to hit his little sister (he didn't as dad was there and intervened- sister is not my daughter) He sulked off to his room and then ex went in to tell him he needed to brush his teeth before he went to sleep. Son refused, ex said he doesn't get to refuse, got him out of the bed to brush his teeth.

In the midst of all this son said 'I want to go to my mums'. Ex said - if you say that again I will take you first thing in the morning (knowing he doesn't really want to) so son says it again. And ex says that's fine, ill drop you off tomorrow if your mums in.

Son wakes up and ex tells him to pack his stuff for his mums, at which point son says he doesn't want to go. Ex says tough basically. So he was dropped off.

Ex was basically saying he will not have him threatening him with that and if he says he wants to go to mine he will take him there. He knew he didn't want to and apparently son said to him yesterday morning he didn't want to come back to mine but ex said to him his actions/words have consequences and said that as he'd told him he would take him if he said it again, he couldn't not go through with it.

Was he being unreasonable ? Obviously I'm happy to have had him back (even though I know he didn't want to come) I'm not sure how I feel about it being a punishment tho. Son is 9.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 26/11/2018 15:18

*parented

GunpowderGelatine · 26/11/2018 15:19

OP at any point did your ex check this was ok with you?

Great dad my foot

SilverLining10 · 26/11/2018 15:21

So now your ds wont ever use that line again would he? He learnt a lesson as harsh that might be. I dont think your ex did anything wrong.

If your ex relented then what next time?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 26/11/2018 15:22

Your ex didn’t use going home to you as a punishment. Do you think your son thought “oh gosh I was a bit cheeky and naughty, I’ll ask to go back to mums as a punishment”? No. He said he wanted to go to yours because he knew it was potentially hurtful to his dad and therefore may make his dad lenient in terms of consequences for hurting his sister/ refusing to brush his teeth. He isn’t daft. I say this as a child of divorced parents and the mother of 4 children with divorced parents.

Your ex did not use you as a punishment, your son made an empty threat and your Ex saw that through. It won’t have been easy or pleasant for your ex to do that. It probably hurt him a lot having to miss out on a night with his son. Read a few posts on here about Disney dads, your ex is parenting equally and effectively.

diddl · 26/11/2018 15:23

Or-his dad could have "saved face" by texting Op about what was going on & told his son that Op wasn't in.

But it seems that time with his son was less important than being right.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 26/11/2018 15:24

It's so easy to do the right thing after the event though isn't it? Just like if someone is rude to us and we think of a million and one comebacks once we're out of the heat of the situation. What's absolutely crucial in this case as others have said, is that the son asked twice to go back to his mums, it was not threatened by the dad as a punishment.

OP does your son not want to spend weekends at yours because he associates your house with the stresses of school and being tired during the week? Could you maybe try EOW (or even once a month) where dad has DS from Sat evening instead of from the Friday so you get to enjoy a lazy Saturday with DS getting up slowly, having breakfast etc or taking him out for the day? DS is old enough for you to explain that what was appropriatye years ago isn't necessarily the right thing now and that things change as he gets older, after all you wouldn't give him the same food or bed time as when he was 1yo which is when you established this access pattern!

itsnowthewaitinggame · 26/11/2018 15:26

I think the important lesson to your son is that if he makes a threat like statement to his Dad, his Dad gives him one chance only. If he then repeats the statement Dad carries through with what he has said will happen. It's a shame that the threat was to do with going home to you but Im 100% behind a parent who carries through with what they have stated will happen

OhComeOnRon · 26/11/2018 15:26

@chickenloverwoman

The ex didn't make it a consequence. The son said that's what he wanted and dad called his bluff.

GeorgeTheHippo · 26/11/2018 15:34

Well if he wants three nights at dad's and four at yours that's fine. But your ex shouldn't get all the weekend nights. You're teaching your son that you are there to do all the shit work and his dad is there for all the fun times. And that's bad for your future relationship, and for his view of the world. You should split the nights so that you get some weekend ones.

chickenloverwoman · 26/11/2018 15:36

@OhComeOnRon, but it still meant the OP had to be the parent during his contact time, because of what he did?
Do we know if the OP was asked if she was OK to have her son back a day early?

OhComeOnRon · 26/11/2018 15:40

@chickenloverwoman
She said in OP that her son FaceTimed her in the morning saying he wanted to come back to her.

sollyfromsurrey · 26/11/2018 15:41

It's a little unreasonable to dump the situation on you without checking first that you were available and OK with it. You may have had plans etc. But the principle is a good one. Follow through with consequences.

umdont · 26/11/2018 15:49

You don’t need to be a child psychologist to see that the 9 year old was upset at being told off, probably feels like his Dad lives his little sister more because she didn’t get told of for hitting him and gets more of dads time . So feeling insecure he said something hurtful, it’s the equivalent of a small child saying they hate you. And when a child says they hate you you don’t say fine I dont care or even I hate you too you say oh that’s a shame cause I love you. So now you’ve got a 9 year old boy who’s been taught his dad doesn’t care if he stays or not. Or maybe even wanted him to leave and just waited for an excuse (in his eyes).

Poor kid.

nellieellie · 26/11/2018 15:51

Mmmm, I think as a parent that has a child at weekends, he needs to deal with discipline issues there - at his house. To use contact with him as conditional on good behaviour is not on. Parents don’t pack their kids off to relatives as punishment - they deal with the issue. However, I can see why your ex did this - calling DSs bluff. I think it’s only when you think about it you see it’s not really the right thing to do. Maybe worth just pointing this out, but in a non confrontational way.
As for him hitting his sister, I’d want to know why, what happened but 9 yr olds are still learning about impulsiveness. As long as it’s a one off I don’t think it’s a shock horror event as some posters have said.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/11/2018 15:51

Is it ok for 9 year old to be forced out of his home for misbehaving? Of course not. Would your ex be ok if you said "DS was a little shit this morning so you can have him?" I bet not. I do not agree that this was an appropriate punishment to "see it through" on. Setting up one parent as a punishment for misbehaving with the other parent is not on at all.

Seems like its easier to send him back to you than actually discuss and address the behaviour, does he often abdicate the more difficult parts of parenting?

nellieellie · 26/11/2018 15:53

I also agree about the weekends. You should have quality time with your DS, not just the day to day school drudgery.

Bobbybear10 · 26/11/2018 15:58

But your ex shouldn't get all the weekend nights. You're teaching your son that you are there to do all the shit work and his dad is there for all the fun times. And that's bad for your future relationship, and for his view of the world. You should split the nights so that you get some weekend ones.

^this is what I was trying to say put much better than I did.

It will affect your future relationship with your DS. He may not like it much until he starts to realise that actually you can also do fun things with him and his dad has to take his fair share of the daily grind.

Original poster

Hindsightandall · 26/11/2018 16:00

@ACatsNoHelpWithThat
You are probably spot on with this to be honest. He doesn't want to stay here when he could be at dads and I know that's a rod I've made for my own back.

He does occasionally stay with me on a Friday and we have fun on the school holidays. But if I say he's staying with me one Friday he gets in a huff and is angry at me because I won't let him go to his dads. He will ask if ex's wife is there cos he'll still stay and then even if ex's wife's parents are having sister he'd prefer that (they're really close) and I guess I just want him to be happy.

I go to his football games every sat morning- but yes you're right, our time together is before and after school 4 days a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hindsightandall · 26/11/2018 16:05

@umdont

You don’t need to be a child psychologist to see that the 9 year old was upset at being told off, probably feels like his Dad lives his little sister more because she didn’t get told of for hitting him and gets more of dads time . So feeling insecure he said something hurtful, it’s the equivalent of a small child saying they hate you. And when a child says they hate you you don’t say fine I dont care or even I hate you too you say oh that’s a shame cause I love you. So now you’ve got a 9 year old boy who’s been taught his dad doesn’t care if he stays or not. Or maybe even wanted him to leave and just waited for an excuse (in his eyes).

Poor kid.*

Erm- a bit extreme I think. Ex works away during week which son knows, so he actually gets the same amount of time with his dad as his sister does.
And I've no idea if sister got told off- I didn't ask. If I know my ex like I do I would assume she did.

I feel I've ended up defending him now but he really is a great dad, the 4 of us (Mum, dad and stepparents) have a great working relationship with my son very much at the centre.

I think my underlying issue is that I hate that coming back to me was a punishment and my son didn't really want to come back- he just said it to upset his dad.

OP posts:

chickenloverwoman · 26/11/2018 16:10

I really do think you need some of the weekends, at least. It's great that you are all co parenting, and communicating, so presumably it won't be a problem to discuss this and re arrange it?

Original poster

Hindsightandall · 26/11/2018 16:20

@chickenloverwoman

Yeah I don't think ex would have a problem, he always says I can keep him
Weekend whenever I want.

I just feel like it's past the point now and my son would resent me for it.

I try really hard and I'm probably in the grand scheme of things the softer parent. My constant worry is that when he's a bit older he will want to live with his dad.

OP posts:

maddening · 26/11/2018 16:21

I would take the opportunity to move to eow - it does not seem fair to you the you never get a weekend

redlittlesquirrel · 26/11/2018 16:22

Do we know if the OP was asked if she was OK to have her son back a day early?

From the first post:

Ex said that if I was in and wanted him he was dropping him off

anniehm · 26/11/2018 16:27

As a punishment for its behaviour it worked as your son did want to stay at his dads. It was a one off and the best course of action but probably a warning that the easy days are coming to an end - kids with divorced parents often do play one against the other so nipping it in the bud is key

Cherries101 · 26/11/2018 16:45

The reason why your DS wants to go to his dads on the weekend is because he’s the ‘fun parent’ the weekend parent while you’re there day in day out. Reverse the roles and he’ll be desperate to go to you too. I agree with the others ensure you get some weekends and if he fights it tough. He has to spend quality time with you too.

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