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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my ex being unreasonable sending son back to me

106 replies

Hindsightandall · 26/11/2018 10:27

Ex has son until Monday as standard. Yesterday morning my son facetimed me to say he wanted to come to mine. Which is fine as I don't get to see him at the weekend anyway. I asked why and son said he just wanted to - but he never does this so I text my ex.

Ex said that if I was in and wanted him he was dropping him off because this had happened -

Son had been told off Saturday night for going to hit his little sister (he didn't as dad was there and intervened- sister is not my daughter) He sulked off to his room and then ex went in to tell him he needed to brush his teeth before he went to sleep. Son refused, ex said he doesn't get to refuse, got him out of the bed to brush his teeth.

In the midst of all this son said 'I want to go to my mums'. Ex said - if you say that again I will take you first thing in the morning (knowing he doesn't really want to) so son says it again. And ex says that's fine, ill drop you off tomorrow if your mums in.

Son wakes up and ex tells him to pack his stuff for his mums, at which point son says he doesn't want to go. Ex says tough basically. So he was dropped off.

Ex was basically saying he will not have him threatening him with that and if he says he wants to go to mine he will take him there. He knew he didn't want to and apparently son said to him yesterday morning he didn't want to come back to mine but ex said to him his actions/words have consequences and said that as he'd told him he would take him if he said it again, he couldn't not go through with it.

Was he being unreasonable ? Obviously I'm happy to have had him back (even though I know he didn't want to come) I'm not sure how I feel about it being a punishment tho. Son is 9.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/11/2018 12:30

I don't think the fact that the dad threatened soething & followed it through makes it good parenting because he was relying on the cooperation of someone who doesn't even live with him!

You should have told him that you were busy, Op.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 26/11/2018 12:45

The dad didn’t threaten. Ds said that was what he wanted, dad said are you sure, ds said yes. Dad made no threat whatsoever,

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 26/11/2018 12:59

You should have told him that you were busy, Op.

Silly suggestion. That just undermines his parenting and allows ds to think he's got one over on his dad. That way lies trouble. You need to be united on this parenting lark, even if sometimes you don't agree.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 26/11/2018 13:39

The child lashed out verbally when angry. He went back on it and said he didn’t mean it but the dad said tough. He was removing his care for the crime of his child being cheeky.
A 9 yr old who is already having to split their time between 2 parents needs to feel wanted and time with each parent should be a given not a luxury that needs to be earned. Imagine how resentful he is feeling towards his sister now as well. Bloody awful parenting imo and the poor lad is going to be terrified to put a foot wrong because he loses time with his dad as a punishment.

diddl · 26/11/2018 13:42

" He was removing his care for the crime of his child being cheeky."

That's what I was failing so badly to get at!

Yes-being "punished" by being sent home early-wtaf is that all about!

longwayoff · 26/11/2018 13:58

Your ex did absolutely the right thing. Your son has learned what consequences are and will consider his actions in future. One step towards individual responsibility and maturity.

diddl · 26/11/2018 14:03

"Your ex did absolutely the right thing"

He might be better off not overreacting to stuff his 9yr old says or suggesting that they discuss it (calmly) in the morning.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 26/11/2018 14:03

He would have learned what consequences are if the dad had given any other consequence.
What he has learned is that if he does something his dad doesn’t like his dad ships him off while his sibling gets to stay. He’s learned that his time with his dad isn’t a constant but something he needs to earn. He’s learned that time with his mum is a punishment.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 26/11/2018 14:12

Bollocks.
He's learned that sometimes being a stroppy so-and-so can come back and bite you on the bum.
That's all. It won't kill him.

patchysmum · 26/11/2018 14:33

Not read the whole thread but did he also discipline the sister as she lashed out

diddl · 26/11/2018 14:36

Well I feel sorry for him tbh.

Consequences for being cheeky maybe-but I don't think that it warrants losing contact time!

Cherries101 · 26/11/2018 14:38

Your DP is a dick and clearly assuming you’re at home twiddling your thumbs to receive som whenever he decides to kick him out. What would he have done if you were away? Strongly suggest he actually parents instead of throws his son out the next time the boy does something he doesn’t agree with. Sounds like such a dickhead.

Unicornandbows · 26/11/2018 14:39

I think your ex was backed into a corner and did the right thing of bringing your son back. It does teach your son a valuable lesson not to threaten

Original poster
Hindsightandall · 26/11/2018 14:45

Well it appears a very mixed response.
To answer some questions -
I didn't ask about the punishment for his sister as none of my business.
Son said he wanted to come to mine and ex said if that's what he wants he can. Obviously provided I was available which I was.

It wasn't punishment for trying to hit his sister, the exchange happened after he had sulked himself to bed and then refused to get out to brush his teeth. So I suppose he could have said 'I want to go to my mums' after being told off for anything at all.

As far as I'm aware my son doesn't regularly hit his sister so this is not an issue.

Re seeing my son which some posters have mentioned - as stated my son wouldn't want to give up his weekends with his Dad - he counts the sleeps and as he has 4 at mine and 3 at dads he says its not fair if he doesn't get all 3. He has the occasional Friday night here if Dad asks- but usually if ex and wife are out he stays at wife's parents with his sister.

I suppose I'm used to it now and it works for us - but obviously I hate the fact that son sees coming back to me as a punishment. Which ex I guess has reinforced. But that's not what I was asking about.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 26/11/2018 14:52

Your ex was totally wrong!
He can’t just expect you to take your son, and he absolutely should not have treated going to you as a punishment.

I don’t understand people saying he had to follow through. All he has done is taught him that he can play his dad off against you. Doesn’t like the punishment? Get his own way coming back to you.

What he should have said (and should say now) is:

I didn’t want to go back on my word, but actually I should not have said you’d be going back to mum. That won’t happen again. What will happen, is that when you misbehave you will be punished. And your mum and I will always inform each other and back each other up on punishments. So for example, if you refuse to brush your teeth / hit your sister and I take your phone away, your mum will also take your phone away”.

It was ridiculous taking him home to you.

GunpowderGelatine · 26/11/2018 14:54

Ex IBU. You're not a nanny there for when your ex can't be arsed doing parenting properly, you're a human who deserves the schedule to be respected.

GunpowderGelatine · 26/11/2018 14:55

It's very disrespectful to assume you didn't have any plans or a desire to have alone time. I'm amazed how many people are saying this is fine TBH

OhComeOnRon · 26/11/2018 15:04

I don’t understand people saying he had to follow through. All he has done is taught him that he can play his dad off against you. Doesn’t like the punishment? Get his own way coming back to you.

He didn't get his own way though - Dad knew he didn't really want to go back to Mum's, and the son said as much the next day.

I agree with posters saying he will now think twice before threatening his Dad with wanting to be at mum's - or saying things he doesn't really mean. Because after all that's what it was, a threat. At 9 he has said that for maximum impact on his Dad, and it backfired. He wont say it again in a hurry if he doesn't want to go to his Mums.

Also - for posters saying he shouldn't assume OP was available, she was. And he didn't turn up on the doorstep without prior warning. Mum could have said no- she didn't. (Presumably because she doesn't ever get weekend time with her son anyway)

GunpowderGelatine · 26/11/2018 15:09

I agree with posters saying he will now think twice before threatening his Dad with wanting to be at mum's

Or he's just been tagging that parents (well, women actually) should just be available to their exes when they fancy them being part of a punishment. Go patriarchy Hmm

GunpowderGelatine · 26/11/2018 15:10

*taught not tagging

diddl · 26/11/2018 15:13

So do you think that your son wanted to come back or not Op?

If that was what your ex had decided must happen, why didn't he just contact you-whay was your son facetiming you to ask to come back?

NotDavidTennant · 26/11/2018 15:14

I agree with posters saying he will now think twice before threatening his Dad with wanting to be at mum's

How on earth was he threatening his Dad? He was just being a typical stroppy nine-year old kid. There was no need to escalate the situation with a punishment.

Coyoacan · 26/11/2018 15:14

Sorry I had to jump to bottom here, as I was annoyed by all the people saying it was severe punishment. Grrr? Going to his mum's is not a severe punishment. And he didn't send the child without consulting as the son phoned to ask if it was possible.

I'm all for the father calling his son's bluff. He sounds like a great dad.

chickenloverwoman · 26/11/2018 15:17

I absolutely do get that once your Ex made going home a consequence, he had to follow through. BUT, it was a consequence that wasn't his to give, tbh, because it just made it easier for him, and harder for you ( you are the one who got no say, as pp said you might have had plans, or been away, or , just, expecting your Ex to actually deal with parenting during HIS contact time. Just like you have to do all week, every week.
I'd not be happy, and would be concerned it will now happen again.

Ellisandra · 26/11/2018 15:18

My child has only once in 5 years of divorce tried to pull the “I want to go to my dad’s” line.
Far from taking her to teach her that words have consequences Hmm I patented, said no, meant it, dealt with the issue - and that was that.

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