Is my ex being unreasonable sending son back to me

[Hindsightandall]

Ex has son until Monday as standard. Yesterday morning my son facetimed me to say he wanted to come to mine. Which is fine as I don't get to see him at the weekend anyway. I asked why and son said he just wanted to - but he never does this so I text my ex.

Ex said that if I was in and wanted him he was dropping him off because this had happened -

Son had been told off Saturday night for going to hit his little sister (he didn't as dad was there and intervened- sister is not my daughter) He sulked off to his room and then ex went in to tell him he needed to brush his teeth before he went to sleep. Son refused, ex said he doesn't get to refuse, got him out of the bed to brush his teeth.

In the midst of all this son said 'I want to go to my mums'. Ex said - if you say that again I will take you first thing in the morning (knowing he doesn't really want to) so son says it again. And ex says that's fine, ill drop you off tomorrow if your mums in.

Son wakes up and ex tells him to pack his stuff for his mums, at which point son says he doesn't want to go. Ex says tough basically. So he was dropped off.

Ex was basically saying he will not have him threatening him with that and if he says he wants to go to mine he will take him there. He knew he didn't want to and apparently son said to him yesterday morning he didn't want to come back to mine but ex said to him his actions/words have consequences and said that as he'd told him he would take him if he said it again, he couldn't not go through with it.

Was he being unreasonable ? Obviously I'm happy to have had him back (even though I know he didn't want to come) I'm not sure how I feel about it being a punishment tho. Son is 9.

Id be wary about this becoming a precedent. The weekends are yours, DS goes to his dads. WHat if you had been busy that day? What if you had a meeting on Monday morning and couldn't do the school run? Did ex even stop to consider what your plans for the day were? Did he stop to consider how his son felt?

I think Id be having a chat with ex about this being a one off - he made his point - and if he wanted to offload DS early again, you would be reviewing maintenance arrangements because he massively inconvenience you, effectively punishing you for your DSs behaviour.

(regardless of you being happy to have him there)

From your explanation, it was all a bit heated - you son did not actually hit his sister, just threatened to, and then went to his room. The sister did hit DS - was she sanctioned? Dad made no attempt to repair the issue and then dragged DS out of bed to brush his teeth. Forcibly?

DS made an empty threat in a moment of high stress and possibly fear. Ex has followed through. However, ex did not give son the opportunity to repair the situation.

WHile I can see what dad was trying to achieve, hes been heavy handed.

Told he would follow through with it, son said it again, so he did follow through with it. Act like a cocky shit and there are consequences.

I know it’s not what you asked, or the point of your thread but would you not like to have your son on the weekends occasionally?

It sounds a little bit like you have the tough bits of parenting but don’t ever get the glory days of going out and having fun on the weekend together?

It also sounds quite sad your ex was able to use going back to his mum as a punishment, I mean it’s great they have a good relationship but if he was getting him up for school, making him do homework, making him go to bed on time etc etc then he might not be such a Disney dad.

Would you not like your DS ever other weekend and split the week days more?

Obviously your job etc might make this impossible but it sounds like you and your DS could benefit from some quality, fun time together.

Do you get to send your son away if he disagrees with you

Some mums will, yes. Or would, if they could. BUT, the son asked/threatened/demanded to go. Dad warned him to be careful what he was wishing for. Son deliberately repeated it (in a temper, easily done) but Dad is therefore teaching him a valuable life lesson that actions have consequences.

Although Biker47 has put it more succinctly than I have!

Actions should have consequences but here it makes it seem as if going to his mums is a negative consequence and also means he is getting out of actually dealing with it

Usually I am a great fan of actions have consequences but not here. This is playing parents against each other. Its bad parenting

Your ex did the right thing 100%.

at 9 he is now at the age where he is trying to play you of against each other. if I was his dad I would've taken him there and then instead of waiting until the morning, as im guessing he doesn't go to bed that late at 9 years old.

you need to be united with his dads decision and not show him youre annoyed at his dad (even though you WBU to be annoyed) to then teach him despite you and his dad not being together, you still co parent him and he should not be playing you off against each other.

he also needs to learn that even if his younger sister did 'lash out', he is never to hit back, especially not a younger female.

I think your priorities here need to be addressing your son's behaviour, not your ex's- who acted like a good parent.

I think your xh did make a bit of a parenting mistake 9he shouldn;t have used returning him to you as a punishment, because that is playing on the situation in which you all find yourself - XH needs to punish in a way that he would if there wasn't an option of sending DS back to you, as he'd have to if you lived together. Sounds as if he let the situation get out of hand)

But - we all make mistakes and sounds as if neither your DS nor your Xh are very good at backing down when they've got themselves into a bit of a corner. It seems that you have a good working relationship with both your X and his partner - which is great, and i don;t think it is worth disrupting that over this incident. Your X will probably reflect and think about how he could have handled it differently.

What he should have said was your mum would want you to brush your teeth as well but it doesnt matter because you are with me and I am in charge this is my rules

icouldwriteabook - exactly he is playing the parents off against each other and his Dad walked straight into it rather than dealing with it himself

here it makes it seem as if going to his mums is a negative consequence

Why? Son presumably said he wanted to go back to his mum's (as it would be better than the apparent Victorian hell-hole that was his dad's). All his dad did was call his bluff, and say "OK, sunshine."

Tricky one...but I'd let it slide.

Your Ex really should have told him he can't go back to mum's just because he didn't want to brush his teeth and was told off.

Nothing unusual about a 9 year old hitting a younger sibling...why are pp making him out to be a little thug.

I think your ex was wrong to do this.

He should have responded with 'not going to happen'. End of.

Being, effectively, thrown out at age 9 is awful.

Yes your son behaved badly, but banishment isn't the answer. Your ex needs to parent, not just dump son on you when it suits him (or your son for that matter).

Your ex needs to step & learn how to parent his son.

Err that's exactly what he did. Son misbehaved, threw a strop and said he wanted to go back to mum's, was asked if he was sure, said yes, so dad followed through with that. Sounds like good parenting to me with string boundaries.

Son is old enough to learn that his words and actions have consequences, and that dad is going to follow through on them. I don't see why that makes him a bad dad.

The inference here is that dad sent him back as punishment; that's not really the case at all. Son asked to go back as he'd been told off (for something entirely reasonable, hitting is not on) so he got what he asked for. It would have been different if dad had said "do that again and you're going back to your mothers" but he didn't.

Yes it's unfortunate that the OP had to play a part in it, luckily she didn't have plans. If she did dad would have had to think up a different outcome.

Those slating the dad, I think he actually did a decent job there of enforcing boundaries and following through on consequences. Good life lessons for a 9 year old.

@icerebel. I'm sure he wasn't thinking at the tie about wanting to hit somebody younger, his little sister was probably annoying him (as younger siblings are good at this) and he was hitting out in frustration . Or maybe he's feeling a bit pushed out. I have 2 girls aged 8 and 4 and they often argue and have hit each other before they were obviously in trouble for it and missed gymnastics that week and I did speak with my 8yo separately about hitting her younger sister. It is perfectly normal for siblings

*strong boundaries. String ones wouldn't have been terribly effective I imagine...

So you never get to do much fun stuff with him then...if he's at dad's every weekend?

Not a great situation but following through on what he said was the right thing to do.
The arrangement you have is rubbish for everyone though. Your son gets no fun time with you at weekends and as he's always been at his dad's on weekends he doesn't realise he could be having fun with you too. You don't get fun time and your ex doesn't get any weekends free to pursue his own interests. Not good. EOW is what is deemed best for all in most cases. I'd hate to not see my children on weekends. It's bad enough not having them every weekend but to not have them at all...

It’s a sad situation but I actually think your ex was right to follow through. Your ds said he wanted to go back to yours because he was angry/knew it would upset his dad the most and he should learn that he can’t use that as a threat when he doesn’t really mean it. It’d be different if your ds was genuinely upset and wanting to go to yours but he wasn’t, he was lashing out out of anger/annoyance and knew this would tug on his dads heart strings the most so yes, while the situation is very unpleasant (and I hope the sister was given a time out and made to apologise to her brother or whatever method they use as her lashing out wasn’t ok either) I agree that your ds is old enough to know his words carry weight and empty threats intended to upset his dad will have consequences.

It's not quite the same but my friend's daughter would say to her when she was told off 'I want to live with my Dad' not because she actually wanted to but because it's often a kid thing to want to be with the parent that's not at that moment telling them off. My friend's response was 'go on then but don't expect to be able to come back here the minute he says no to something you want'. That worked. So I think your ex probably did the right thing in showing him that threats like that won't be tolerated.

Your ex is a dick. There are 101 ways he could have dealt with this that didn't involve him dumping DS back on you without a by nor leave.

It's clear that your ex doesn't think that you have a life or any plans of your own that might be disrupted by DS being brought back early.

My DD did almost the same thing at around 11, but the opposite way around.
She got into trouble with me over something and then it was all "I want to live with my Dad" - basically so she could escape the punishment for what she'd done.
I rang and spoke to him and explained the situation and we discussed being on the same page. Ultimately she was offered the opportunity to go to her dad's, but the punishment stood there as well.
She was back home in 24 hours.
Since then we communicate any punishment we've had to enforce and why and it stands wherever she is, and it works.
I think your ex did the right thing, but think he should have discussed it with you first. Your son was doing what most kids do and trying to play one off against the other, and emotionally blackmail his dad into getting his own way. Dad's just taught him it won't work. I do wonder what would have happened if you hadn't been available though?
Possibly this is a good time to discuss with your ex what the boundaries are and agree on courses of action so that you present a united front and DS learns he won't get let off a punishment by escaping to the other parents house?
I used to try and vanish to my grandparents if I were in trouble at home. Didn't work because the punishment was just transferred there instead 😳🤔😉

Mysparkling has provided a very good solution for the situation. Agree that consistent boundaries and consequences in each home and jointly carry through.

Agree it wasn’t the finest bit of parenting but excusable. It would be good to address the 9 year’s anger at being punished for hitting back. He is old enough to understand not to hit whilst the 4 year old is learning. I think he resented and didn’t understand the difference. He is gradually having to take on responsibilities and learning consequences for actions. He needs to have a clear and understood benefit for that. Both sets of parents could agree on how this happens.

I think you are doing well OP. It’s good to hear of such positive relationships between adults.

The important part is that the son came up with the idea of going home, it wasn't like he was misbehaving and the dad said he would send him home.
and ex did sit down with son before he was dropped off and explained to him that no one wanted him to go but that he needs to understand that he shouldn't say things and threaten things if he doesn't mean it this sounds like a really mature and reasonable response from your ex, who was probably gutted that he was loosing time with his child.
I think he handled it fine.

This is a difference in parenting style. And it is a one off. You will get posters saying they agree with him and posters saying they disagree. Because everyone parents differently. As a one off, I would let it go. If it became a regular thing that would be totally different.