I'm so ashamed

[wesith]

I'm so ashamed of myself

I'm in my mid 20s and up until last year, I had a couple of really good jobs in the city. I was known as one of those people who moved away from a small town and did well.

I got pregnant by my relatively short-term boyfriend the time in September last year. It was admittedly my fault; we were using condoms but we were drunk one night and it was like a 'oh it'll be fine!' thing and obviously it wasn't.

I'd only just started my new job, but was stupidly honest with my boss and told him the truth the next day after I'd found out. I was let go a few days later, him saying that I'd failed probation. This was despite him the day before me telling him I was pregnant praising my performance. I'd had no indication that my performance had slipped.

I knew that I'd been fired because I was pregnant. It was a very client-facing role. I'd taken up a grievance with him, but as I was still in probation, I had no leg to stand on. I was so gutted.

I had to move out of my rented flat and into my parents' house. My OH then came to live with me. I applied for jobs every single day. I never got any of them. I was showing quite early and must've gone on about 20 interviews. It was so soul-destroying.

I then had to go on UC and standing outside the Job Centre whilst pregnant was the most shameful moment of my life, but I needed the money so badly. The work advisor at the JC even said that I'd really struggle to find a job whilst pregnant.

A few months later, my Dad's wife decided that she didn't want a new baby in the house and told me to leave. My Dad said to me that he didn't want to risk losing his marriage and that I'd have to leave. Me and OH turn up at his parents' house with our things in bin bags. They were more than happy for me to stay, I'm so grateful. I was so embarrassed for this.

His (twin) sister was in the same year as us at school; one of those pretty popular girls. The news of me being pregnant, homeless and unemployed swept the small town that we live in. My friend who works with her told me that he'd heard her telling someone in the smoking area - stuff that I hadn't even told him yet.

I gave birth in the June and everybody loves the baby. My OH has now completed his teacher training, everything is becoming a lot more stable.

OH's sister makes me feel so low about myself it's unreal. Yesterday she made a joke about me being a 'benefits mum'. She'd come in from work last week when I was cleaning the house, she said 'doing your little chores, are you?'

I clean my ILs' house just to be respectful as I'm living in someone else's home. They refuse to accept money, so that's my contribution. I do all of the day-to-day of the house. It's the very least that I can do, IMO. They're happy for us to be there. They've told me that we're welcome for as long as it takes. I'm so lucky that they took me into their home.

Baby is approaching 6 months now and I need to get another job so that we can move out. We're not forced to, but I want our own space, baby will need their own bedroom etc.

I'm starting my job search today. I'm also going to be starting my AAT course soon, too. I'm doing the best that I possibly can. I've saved enough for a deposit for renting a flat, I just need to show that I'm consistently earning before we can rent.

I'm just so ashamed that she's told everyone about my situation. I'm really trying to get myself out of this. I'm just embarrassed that this has happened.

I'm sorry your feeling like this but this is more to do with your SIL then it is you. You are making the best out of a situation you weren't expecting, just remember this is a temporary phase in your life and it will pass. I would fake it with your SIL plaster on a fake smile and be sweetly nice and when you are in a position your happy with you can look down at that silly bitch and be thankful for everything you do have.

Please, please be kinder to yourself. Having to rely on benefits for a short while is nothing to be ashamed of. It can happen to anyone and that is what it is there for. You sound like you are being proactive about getting back to work so please don't be so down on yourself.

You have nothing to be ashamed of whatsoever, in fact you should be damned proud of yourself. The wankers in your life should be ashamed.

She's wrong to gossip and her parents should pull her up on it as she still lives at home so their rules.

However it was hardly going to be a secret, you've had a baby, neither are working and you live with parents.

Firstly it was not just your fault that you got pregnant and secondly congratulations on your baby.

I bet your PIL love having the little one around. You are are in a stable and I am guessing living relationship with your OH who has just qualified. I think your guilt is a mixture of your own perception and judgement of your situation and nasty SIL. You have grown and are raising a human. Your doing well. Can you talk to MIL or DP about SIL? I supect SIL is jealous of you.

You’re doing all the right things - you’re contributing to the household you’re living in by cleaning, you’re grafeful and not being a cf, you’re aware that you need to work and you’re trying your hardest to get back to normal. I don’t think you realise just how strong you are - you’ve got this. There’s no shame in relying on others for a bit of help. Your SIL sounds like a cow.

Good luck in your job search, your baby is lucky to have a determined mum like you.

From reading the OP you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Your SIL is a giant twat and should shut her gob!
Life is not a fairy tale, and we all have ups and downs. From what I have read you are doing an amazing job, and being a wonderful DIL. High five for starting the AAT course when your baby is only 6 months.

@TheBigBangRocks my OH is working, he's just qualified to be a teacher. It's just me that's unemployed with a 5 month old. He's fine.

Thank you so much to everyone for reading. I'm pretty anxious about my gap in employment, I really am trying to better myself here.

Well your SIL sounds very immature. You on the other are doing an amazing job. Life has thrown you a curve ball but you are handling it so well. You should be really proud of yourself. Ignore SIL you have nothing to be ashamed of you are working hard to create a safe and stable home for your little one. People will talk it's what they do. This time next year (next month even) no one will care any longer and someone else will be the subject of gossip. Please don't beat yourself up.

SIL sounds jealous that you had the city job and now a baby, she doesn't see the problem from your perspective. Smile and ignore the jibes. Good luck with AAT

Oh my, be a bit kinder to yourself!! So, she may well be a mean girl but you have a partner and baby who love you. You aren’t workshy and have humility and are grateful to your ils. I suspect she was jealous of you leaving and having a career.
The thing is with a career, you are still young, you have your whole life ahead of you

Honestly, you're doing great and sil is a knob. Don't be anxious about your employment gap, it's easily explained - you had a baby, moved back to parents for support whilst on maternity. And you're young with good work experience, you will find another job so try not to worry too much about it.

'Unemployed with a 5 month old' - hardly! You are still young. Enjoy your baby and ignore your cow of a sister in law.

It doesn't sound to me like you've got anything whatsoever to be ashamed of. You sound rather amazing to be honest. Hold your head up high and don't let twats like your SIL bring you down.

Ok well the sister sounds a bit nasty alright but I don't think she's really your main issue here. It's you and your own mindset. I think you saw yourself in a certain light - the go-getter, the one who shook off her 'small town life' and while there's nothing wrong with doing well and having aspirations I wonder was there an element of being 'a cut above'? Because the level of shame and embarrassment you're feeling is ott, nothing so terrible has happened here.

You're actually judging yourself and I think you've totally knocked your own confidence. Ok so maybe there are some people who've enjoyed seeing you taken down a peg but think about a) do they matter and b) are you 100% sure you didn't give them cause to be pleased to see you come down in the world a bit? Doesn't really matter now but it might be worth considering whether past behaviour or opinions voiced are biting you on the backside.

Anyway, I think you need to stop with the shame and telling yourself you're a failure. Change your mindset and put things in perspective for goodness sake! So life hasn't gone exactly to plan, it rarely does! You haven't ruined yours, you're a grown woman in her 20s who chose to have a baby, plenty do. Now you're ready to get back to work, as plenty do. You have work experience and presumably some qualifications behind you so you've a lot going for you. Brush yourself off, find your confidence and get stuck in. You have your whole life ahead of you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You will look back in 5 years and just see this as a very short part of your life. I was quite young when I had my eldest and wasn’t in a great place financially however I am now in a very established career etc. My early 20s seem a world away.

I do think having a child young and at a time I would never have chosen has made me very sympathetic of others situations. Anyone’s life can change course at any point. Pregnancy, accident, sickness, divorce. Cleaning your parent in laws house is the right thing to do and shows your character. You are starting a course. I completed my degree with a 1 year old then established my career. Good luck and be kind to yourself! You will get there.

There are great free courses on future learn too.

Your SIL is a complete and utter cow. She does realise it’s her brother that’s got you into this position?

You had a great job before and you will again. Don’t be ashamed. Be proud x

First of all, congrats on the baby. Don;t feel low- birth and bringing up a child is a job in itself, and I don't get why having a baby is the reason people would look down on you, it's no one's business and it's not a failure!

Also please note that your welfare benefits are not freeloading or anything, it's a National Insurance system that you yourself contributed to when you were working, you sound (overly ) conscientious and responsible, be proud as fuck of yourself OP .

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You have dealt with difficult circumstances, the best you can. You sound motivated and hard working, and I have no doubt you will be working and doing well before too long. Lets hope your SIL never finds herself struggling.

You are using the welfare system to support yourself and your baby - you are obviously going to be okay. Please don't beat yourself up any more!

The only person who should feel ashamed is the sister for her spiteful nasty gossiping. I had DD at 21 and have had my fair share of pitying looks from old acquaintances who think I've fucked up my life. It sucks that society has that view, but, look at the reality of your situation, you've gone through major major upheaval and are still managing to make progress towards your career goals while raising a baby. You should be proud not ashamed.

you have absolutely nothing, nothing at all to be ashamed of.

You should be proud of yourself and all you have achieved - not ashamed. SIL doesn't sound great, that bloke who fired you is appalling, ILs sound awesome and OH sounds sorted. You have a lot of good stuff going for you. Be kind to yourself. You'll get another job. Good luck!

OP, when I was your age a similar thing happened to me. I'd been in a relationship for 3 years; became pregnant; he ended it at 30 weeks; I moved back home.

My mother decided that my baby and me were not part of her life plan and made me homeless the day after I was discharged from hospital with him. We spent a year living in what was essentially a hostel. I was 23.

I spent many, many years feeling ashamed. She spent a good many years running me down; telling everyone what a disgrace I was - getting myself pregnant and without being married... She sabotaged my efforts to improve the situation to prove her point. She tried to get SS involved to validate her position. It didn't work.

That baby is now 20. He's at university, I'm Masters degree qualified professional and we have no contact at all with my mother.

And I'm only just beginning to see that, if there is any shame in this situation, the person who shouldn't own it is me.

You are, and will continue to be, awesome.