I'm so ashamed

[wesith]

I'm so ashamed of myself

I'm in my mid 20s and up until last year, I had a couple of really good jobs in the city. I was known as one of those people who moved away from a small town and did well.

I got pregnant by my relatively short-term boyfriend the time in September last year. It was admittedly my fault; we were using condoms but we were drunk one night and it was like a 'oh it'll be fine!' thing and obviously it wasn't.

I'd only just started my new job, but was stupidly honest with my boss and told him the truth the next day after I'd found out. I was let go a few days later, him saying that I'd failed probation. This was despite him the day before me telling him I was pregnant praising my performance. I'd had no indication that my performance had slipped.

I knew that I'd been fired because I was pregnant. It was a very client-facing role. I'd taken up a grievance with him, but as I was still in probation, I had no leg to stand on. I was so gutted.

I had to move out of my rented flat and into my parents' house. My OH then came to live with me. I applied for jobs every single day. I never got any of them. I was showing quite early and must've gone on about 20 interviews. It was so soul-destroying.

I then had to go on UC and standing outside the Job Centre whilst pregnant was the most shameful moment of my life, but I needed the money so badly. The work advisor at the JC even said that I'd really struggle to find a job whilst pregnant.

A few months later, my Dad's wife decided that she didn't want a new baby in the house and told me to leave. My Dad said to me that he didn't want to risk losing his marriage and that I'd have to leave. Me and OH turn up at his parents' house with our things in bin bags. They were more than happy for me to stay, I'm so grateful. I was so embarrassed for this.

His (twin) sister was in the same year as us at school; one of those pretty popular girls. The news of me being pregnant, homeless and unemployed swept the small town that we live in. My friend who works with her told me that he'd heard her telling someone in the smoking area - stuff that I hadn't even told him yet.

I gave birth in the June and everybody loves the baby. My OH has now completed his teacher training, everything is becoming a lot more stable.

OH's sister makes me feel so low about myself it's unreal. Yesterday she made a joke about me being a 'benefits mum'. She'd come in from work last week when I was cleaning the house, she said 'doing your little chores, are you?'

I clean my ILs' house just to be respectful as I'm living in someone else's home. They refuse to accept money, so that's my contribution. I do all of the day-to-day of the house. It's the very least that I can do, IMO. They're happy for us to be there. They've told me that we're welcome for as long as it takes. I'm so lucky that they took me into their home.

Baby is approaching 6 months now and I need to get another job so that we can move out. We're not forced to, but I want our own space, baby will need their own bedroom etc.

I'm starting my job search today. I'm also going to be starting my AAT course soon, too. I'm doing the best that I possibly can. I've saved enough for a deposit for renting a flat, I just need to show that I'm consistently earning before we can rent.

I'm just so ashamed that she's told everyone about my situation. I'm really trying to get myself out of this. I'm just embarrassed that this has happened.

Don't let the bastards grind you down!

You've been treated very badly and seem to have behaved decently and with resiliency in the face of it. It's other people who should be ashamed. As people have said, you are young and you have plenty of time to get your life back on track and it sounds very much like you will, and sooner than you think all this will be a memory.

Surely at five months pregnant you'd be on maternity leave even if you were working, or subs like your PIL are lovely, your DP is in a stable career, don't pressure yourself to go back too soon, if you were working would you go back street five months or nine? SILis bitchy and probably knows I've baby is a bit older, you'll be back in a job better than hers with a baby, partner and lovely PILs

Don’t let one nasty person ruin things for you.
You’re doing everything you should.
Congratulations on your baby

I think you have done brilliantly and soon you will get a job, your own place etc. Will she sneer then? Maybe, because that is the type of person she is. It doesn't matter, as easy as it is to say. I bet she doesn't have an iota of the resilience you have. What you have been through has not been easy. But you have done so well in the circumstances. Be kinder to yourself.

Thank you for the kind words. I really appreciate it.

This isn't a journalist piece or anything. I'm just trying to better myself and am feeling quite low.

I know I shouldn't have got pregnant, I fully appreciate that. I know I've messed up. I'm just truing to build myself back up and I'm finding it tough.

Please be kinder to yourself. You should be proud of your determination and resilience. This is just a temporary phase and will pass. You will look back in a few years and appreciate your life at that point - the bad times make you appreciate the good times more. And you have a lovely baby, congratulations

Well I think you’re doing amazing.

You have done nothing of which to be ashamed. Your OH’s twin is behaving very badly. She is expressing outmoded views at a time when she could enjoy being an aunt & support you. Anyone with a spark of decency to whom she makes her comments would let her know that. You are doing your best in a difficult situation. Perhaps she is jealous of your relationship with her twin & that you are being supported by his parents. I am amazed that someone of her age can behave like this. It is 2018!! As to finding a job, just keep on trying. There is one out there for you. Do your OH & his parents realise how his twin is behaving?
She is shaming you & it seems she has succeeded. If you can find any way whatsoever to work through your feelings to stop the shame, do. Concentrate on your baby & your OH. I would be proud of any daughter of mine who coped as well as you. (Old gimmer here - late 60s).

Exactly what CantSleep said. This is you judging yourself negatively, and nothing to do with your SIL. You can get back on track professionally and regain your confidence, only for god’s sake, in future, make sure your contraception is as good as can be, and don’t confide in your boss during probation.

And it sounds like you sister has nailed life? I think she's jealous of you OP.

Putting her aside though you really do need to stop judging yourself. You've done great, you're doing great and you will only continue to be great

You've paid into the system haven't you, so Why do you feel ashamed.
Your sister in law is a closed minded bitch who might need the benefits system herself one day.

Do not let her pettiness get to you, just remember she can end up in exactly the same situation as you one day.

But you have be proud of yourself you are strong and determined and no doubt by the end of next year all of this will be a distant memory. Thank god you have such fabulous in laws.

You will be fine, do not let mean girls who have no effect on your life actually bring you down. Just remember she might one day sit across from you wishing she was you.

It’s your SIL who should be ashamed. You and your OH found yourselves in an unintended situation, your employer treated you astonishingly badly, and you’re now making the best of the situation and doing brilliantly. The welfare state is designed for this exact purpose - to give people like you and your OH a safety net while things are hard. By judging you she’s showing herself to be narrow minded, arrogant and cruel.

You have nothing to be ashamed of - you should be proud of what you’ve achieved and excited about what the future holds for you.

I agree with everyone else; you have nothing to be ashamed of. Life has not turned out how you planned it but you are dealing with your situation in the best way possible. Your ILs sound lovely apart from SIL who sounds like a cow. You have a beautiful baby and your life will get better. Your OH will get work as a teacher and you will get work too (and paying taxes to offset benefits so dont feel bad about that) and then a home and you will be set up. Your gap in employment wont be an issue as you can account for it. You're allowed to have a baby, even an unplanned one. Please be gentler on yourself, you are doing a great job.

I think you are being very harsh on yourself. Sometimes things happen which are not in 'the plan' but you now have a lovely baby and things really will be fine. You are perfectly capable of getting a job, if you feel ready, and your OH is a teacher.

Your ex boss is an idiot, your dad could have helped you for a while longer and your OHs sister sounds nasty. I think all of these people have worn you down and have caused or added to your feelings of shame. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I think in a year or two things will be much more settled for you all.

There's actually a lot to be said for having your child at a younger age. You will be able to "spin this" in future at job interviews, "I always wanted to have my children young and then be able to focus entirely on my career"... that sort of thing. This isn't a gap in your employment. It's a childcare break.

I know exactly the sort of girl you mean when you describe your SIL at school. Sometimes those pretty popular ones sort of peak at school age when they are the centre of a very small universe and then can be very jealous and bitchy when they haven't got that position any more. They're a bit like child stars personality wise! I'm picturing Lindsay Lohan the wilderness years as your SIL here.

Just ignore his sister and get on with doing the best for your family.
Does your DPs job not count as stable, in terms of renting?

Don't worry, you've had the strength to get out once so you can do it again. Having a baby has obviously changed your life but you can still do everything you planned, if you want, it might just take a little longer.

p.s. At the time I swore a lot at this article and I think Kirsty Allsopp is a dick in a lot of ways, but for the purposes of here - you just have to reframe what's happened as if it was some great life plan (no one else read it as it'll make you want to hurt things and people).

www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2014/jun/02/kirstie-allsop-young-women-ditch-university-baby-by-27

You and your OH sound great. Your sister in law sounds horrid. Is she maybe struggling to conceive and crushingly jealous? (Trying to think of a forgivable reason for her behaviour!!)

Anyway, it’s not you, it’s her. Keep your head up.

Also, I bet your she doesn't lift a finger around the house so you can tell her that you're living here so of course you are pulling your weight and you don't expect to be waited on hand and foot unlike her. I wouldn't be doing any of her washing/ironing/etc.

Your confidence has taken a massive knock because your life plan went askew. It's a massive learning curve that life doesn't always turn out as we plan.

It's what you do from here that will count. You clearly have the get up & go to turn everything around, you just need time to do that. Take your foot off the accelerator for a little bit to give yourself a break.

Your SIL is your typical smug little madam. Karma will deal with her at some point, worry not.

p.p.s. You sound great. If you were my daughter I'd be extremely proud of you for how your dealing with things.

All the qualities you had that got you into your decent jobs still exist within you plus the added bonus of having had to cope with change and challenges.

The fact that by five months you are already trying to get back on track also speaks volumes. Go easy on yourself and you WILL get back on track. Your SIL is a nasty piece of work and will still find something to bitch about when you are flying high again. So ignore her and concentrate on what you CAN change rather than what you cannot.

And don’t let her cuddle your baby.

You’re on maternity leave op your OH is embarking in his career, as will you in the future. But for now, enjoy your lovely baby. Ignore your blatantly jealous SIL.