I'm so ashamed

[wesith]

I'm so ashamed of myself

I'm in my mid 20s and up until last year, I had a couple of really good jobs in the city. I was known as one of those people who moved away from a small town and did well.

I got pregnant by my relatively short-term boyfriend the time in September last year. It was admittedly my fault; we were using condoms but we were drunk one night and it was like a 'oh it'll be fine!' thing and obviously it wasn't.

I'd only just started my new job, but was stupidly honest with my boss and told him the truth the next day after I'd found out. I was let go a few days later, him saying that I'd failed probation. This was despite him the day before me telling him I was pregnant praising my performance. I'd had no indication that my performance had slipped.

I knew that I'd been fired because I was pregnant. It was a very client-facing role. I'd taken up a grievance with him, but as I was still in probation, I had no leg to stand on. I was so gutted.

I had to move out of my rented flat and into my parents' house. My OH then came to live with me. I applied for jobs every single day. I never got any of them. I was showing quite early and must've gone on about 20 interviews. It was so soul-destroying.

I then had to go on UC and standing outside the Job Centre whilst pregnant was the most shameful moment of my life, but I needed the money so badly. The work advisor at the JC even said that I'd really struggle to find a job whilst pregnant.

A few months later, my Dad's wife decided that she didn't want a new baby in the house and told me to leave. My Dad said to me that he didn't want to risk losing his marriage and that I'd have to leave. Me and OH turn up at his parents' house with our things in bin bags. They were more than happy for me to stay, I'm so grateful. I was so embarrassed for this.

His (twin) sister was in the same year as us at school; one of those pretty popular girls. The news of me being pregnant, homeless and unemployed swept the small town that we live in. My friend who works with her told me that he'd heard her telling someone in the smoking area - stuff that I hadn't even told him yet.

I gave birth in the June and everybody loves the baby. My OH has now completed his teacher training, everything is becoming a lot more stable.

OH's sister makes me feel so low about myself it's unreal. Yesterday she made a joke about me being a 'benefits mum'. She'd come in from work last week when I was cleaning the house, she said 'doing your little chores, are you?'

I clean my ILs' house just to be respectful as I'm living in someone else's home. They refuse to accept money, so that's my contribution. I do all of the day-to-day of the house. It's the very least that I can do, IMO. They're happy for us to be there. They've told me that we're welcome for as long as it takes. I'm so lucky that they took me into their home.

Baby is approaching 6 months now and I need to get another job so that we can move out. We're not forced to, but I want our own space, baby will need their own bedroom etc.

I'm starting my job search today. I'm also going to be starting my AAT course soon, too. I'm doing the best that I possibly can. I've saved enough for a deposit for renting a flat, I just need to show that I'm consistently earning before we can rent.

I'm just so ashamed that she's told everyone about my situation. I'm really trying to get myself out of this. I'm just embarrassed that this has happened.

To be honest OP reading your story you genuinely have nothing to be ashamed of. You have had a good career and you will pick that up again. It won't be easy but at least you have support from your partner and his parents who will hopefully help you with childcare etc if you need it for going back to work. You didn't have a choice but to claim UC and that's what it's there for. This isn't forever.

Your SIL should be ashamed of herself quite frankly. I hate how women in this position are made to feel degraded and vilified where their male partners face virtually no stigma at all.

Not that impressed with the sound of your Dad either- kicking out his pregnant daughter? Unbelievable. You've overcome a lot of challenges and that will only stand you in good stead. Keep focussing on achieving what you want to and sod the people who try to make you feel small!

It sounds like you would get good references from all your previous jobs, so approach your managers there. You can leave the last job off your CV and say you were 'travelling abroad' to cover this short time period, you've been on maternity leave since. Enjoy your little one, OH, & amazing PIL

You sound like a lovely person OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You've dealt very well with a difficult situation and I'm sure you'll have a successful future.

If you were my daughter I'd be enormously proud of you

Please don’t be ashamed. You are a resourceful and tenacious mum who will give her child the gift of resilience and an excellent work ethic.
Please don’t pay attention to your SIL or her gossip. The reality is people are far less interested in you beyond a fleeting thought. Your situation is changing, you have everything to look forward to.
Believe me, I have been in your position and had no family to support us. I felt desperate and used to look at my baby filled with shame. I needn’t have- she’s incredible and I’m so proud of our journey. I share my story with everyone I can because I’m filled with gratitude and know that others in a similar position need the sand hope. You will one day too.
It will get better, I promise.

Hugs xx

Please give yourself a break, it sounds like you are doing brilliantly, working hard in every way possible. Please carry on working hard, be it cleaning, job searching or in your new job. You're only mid twenties and have started a family - that's a massive life step and is an adjustment at any age.

Shame on the city firm and boss that sacked you. If you can name and shame without damaging your future prospects, I'd love to know which company that was.

Sorry to hear your dad has been unsupportive but it's fab that your OH's parents have been so great. Try to ignore OH's sister. She sounds very immature and willone day look back upon her spiteful comments with shame I should imagine. Make the most of the support from your partner's family and don't move too quickly

• if you can weather the sister for a bit longer.

Gap in employment is absolutely no problem I should imagine as you were obviously off with the baby. Good luck with the job search and with everything else. Most of all, don't waste a second worrying over what other people think. Others rarely give a shit what people are doing - they are honestly too busy getting on with their own lives and quite possibly in awe of you already being at the parenthood stage. If anyone is judging you, they're not worth worrying about anyway!

Just had to post, even though am repeating what others have said.

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH!! You have SO much to be proud of.

Life has a habit of throwing us curve balls and you've handled this one well.

Who cares what narrow minded gossips think?

And for work, well, gaps in CVs are normal. If your boss is going to discriminate against you because you have dared to have a child, you really don't want to be working for them! There are lots of great employers out there, you'll soon get back on your feet. (although, if your ILs are happy for you to be there, is there really a rush to move out?)

You have nothing to be ashamed of!! You're not bloody unemployed you're a SAHM! Tell that horrible cow of a SIL to stop being so spiteful and mind her own business! She's just jealous you have a lovely family and good prospects. You sound like a wonderful mum who wants the best for herself and her family, just keep doing what you're doing and ignore any nasty gossip, you'll get where you want to be without a doubt.