I'm so ashamed

[wesith]

I'm so ashamed of myself

I'm in my mid 20s and up until last year, I had a couple of really good jobs in the city. I was known as one of those people who moved away from a small town and did well.

I got pregnant by my relatively short-term boyfriend the time in September last year. It was admittedly my fault; we were using condoms but we were drunk one night and it was like a 'oh it'll be fine!' thing and obviously it wasn't.

I'd only just started my new job, but was stupidly honest with my boss and told him the truth the next day after I'd found out. I was let go a few days later, him saying that I'd failed probation. This was despite him the day before me telling him I was pregnant praising my performance. I'd had no indication that my performance had slipped.

I knew that I'd been fired because I was pregnant. It was a very client-facing role. I'd taken up a grievance with him, but as I was still in probation, I had no leg to stand on. I was so gutted.

I had to move out of my rented flat and into my parents' house. My OH then came to live with me. I applied for jobs every single day. I never got any of them. I was showing quite early and must've gone on about 20 interviews. It was so soul-destroying.

I then had to go on UC and standing outside the Job Centre whilst pregnant was the most shameful moment of my life, but I needed the money so badly. The work advisor at the JC even said that I'd really struggle to find a job whilst pregnant.

A few months later, my Dad's wife decided that she didn't want a new baby in the house and told me to leave. My Dad said to me that he didn't want to risk losing his marriage and that I'd have to leave. Me and OH turn up at his parents' house with our things in bin bags. They were more than happy for me to stay, I'm so grateful. I was so embarrassed for this.

His (twin) sister was in the same year as us at school; one of those pretty popular girls. The news of me being pregnant, homeless and unemployed swept the small town that we live in. My friend who works with her told me that he'd heard her telling someone in the smoking area - stuff that I hadn't even told him yet.

I gave birth in the June and everybody loves the baby. My OH has now completed his teacher training, everything is becoming a lot more stable.

OH's sister makes me feel so low about myself it's unreal. Yesterday she made a joke about me being a 'benefits mum'. She'd come in from work last week when I was cleaning the house, she said 'doing your little chores, are you?'

I clean my ILs' house just to be respectful as I'm living in someone else's home. They refuse to accept money, so that's my contribution. I do all of the day-to-day of the house. It's the very least that I can do, IMO. They're happy for us to be there. They've told me that we're welcome for as long as it takes. I'm so lucky that they took me into their home.

Baby is approaching 6 months now and I need to get another job so that we can move out. We're not forced to, but I want our own space, baby will need their own bedroom etc.

I'm starting my job search today. I'm also going to be starting my AAT course soon, too. I'm doing the best that I possibly can. I've saved enough for a deposit for renting a flat, I just need to show that I'm consistently earning before we can rent.

I'm just so ashamed that she's told everyone about my situation. I'm really trying to get myself out of this. I'm just embarrassed that this has happened.

You’ve nothing to be ashamed of, benefits are designed for exactly this. It sounds like your little one has brought a lot of joy and happiness into your in-laws lives - the fact that they are happy for you to stay as long as you need says that they consider you to be a positive addition to their family.

Please don’t let your emotions spoil the time you have at home with your little one - you’ll be back at work soon enough. Your SIL sounds immature at best - next time she says anything call her out on it - doing your chores? ‘If you mean am I making a contribution to maintaining your parents home and paying them back for their generosity? Of course I am’ - on benefits? ‘Well yes, that’s exactly what benefits are designed for, I wasn’t going to let my child starve, it’s only a stop gap until I can start up my career again though’. I bet she’ll stop as soon as she realises you won’t stand for it, her type always do.

Sensible people listening will understand that SIL is gossiping and that says far more about her than it does you.

Enjoy your baby.

You're on mat leave, not unemployed, mums often go back to work after 12 months mat leave.

You'll be fine. You sound so strong. It is how we deal with the problems that hit us not the easy times that shape us. You'll get another job, you'll get a home of your own, you'll bounce back and with the strength of character you clearly have you will be able to take on the next challenge.

I can see though that it is all a bit shit at the moment though. Sorry you are feeling low OP.

Congratulations on the baby!

Tell your sister in law to fuck off and keep her shitty comments to herself.

Wow you're really doing great OP, do not beat yourself up over this. SIL should be ashamed for gossiping and sneering. Your former boss should be very ashamed, what he did is outrageous but happens a lot because people in his position know they'll get away with it. And yet you are doing everything you can to get on with your life and show gratitude to your ILs and work towards your future - with a small baby as well. You're a fantastic role model for your child

And it takes two to make a baby - you and your OH slipped up, not just you. But you are both making the best of it. And many many babies are born for just such reasons - it's hardly unusual.

Kudos to your ILs too. I expect your SIL is very jealous at you and the baby getting their attention from them and perhaps also her brother, as a twin she may feel pushed out. That doesn't make her behaviour ok, AT ALL, but it might help it wash over you a bit if you can see she is just handling her jealousy badly. She may even grow up over time.

The shame is not your's - its your sister'n'laws. She is no doubt jealous of the attention you and the baby are getting from her brother and her parents. My sister was similar to you - and I could not be more proud at how she coped with being a single mum and working her way up to buying and house and providing for her daughter. She too also started on benefits - and then studied part time until she could get a good job and not need them anymore. In my opinion, that is the purpose of benefits - when individuals in our society need a helping hand at a time in their life and that's exactly what I am happy to have my taxes spent on. Your other half's parents sound lovely and you are absolutely doing your but which must be hard with a small baby. You should stand proud - just ignore her and enjoy your time with the baby. It will go fast and you will be in your own place soon.

And can I just add - don't worry about what she says to other people - they will see through her jealousy and spite.

Ignore the SIL, in a few years time you will have your beautiful child and a good career, she will still be weighed down by her bitterness. You have nothing to be ashamed of and everything to feel proud of! Plenty of people have been in your situation, it doesn't define who you are

There’s not all that much difference to you and a mum on maternity, please take no notice of her. You’re doing brilliantly.

I know it is too late for you now, but you really should have pursued an employment claim. You would almost certainly have won based on what you have said here re there being no performance issues. They are absolutely not legally able to sack you during probation for being pregnant. You can only fail probation on performance issues and you have reported none. You are protected from unfair dismissal due to discrimination re a protected characteristic from day one.

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to let your sister-in-law get to you. It sounds like she not only still lives at home, but does so in a childlike way - doing no housework and expecting to be subsided by your parents-in-law.

Whereas you, over the same period of time since school, have successfully left your home town, had an interesting job, started a family and are now retraining in a new career.

You should absolutely not be ashamed! Sounds like u have run yourself ragged making a new life for your family, your in laws sound good too and OH. Ignore what others say you have a lovely new baby and you have done so well making a new life for them. Well done, I actually admire how u have coped. X

You should be proud of yourself not ashamed! You’ve experienced life in the city, you took responsibility for your contraceptive slip-up by having your baby, you’ve built a relationship with OH despite a potentially sticky start, you’ve brought joy into your ILs’ lives by giving them a grandchild, you’re looking after their house for them and most of all you sound like a lovely person.

Please be kinder to yourself. Your SIL sounds jealous and a piece of work. Ignore her. Or tell her this isn’t the 1960s when unmarried mums were sent away in shame. This is the 21st century and your lifestyle is perfectly fine. You pay taxes when you work, you’ll work again and pay plenty, you’re entitled to benefits that your taxes pay for in the meantime.

Just another thought - could you be depressed? Might be an idea to visit your GP.

Motherhood is the most important job in the world, and you sound like you are amazing at that....

Be kind to yourself, you are amazing.
Have you any grounds to go back on your old employer, tribunal for unfair dismissal? It's boldly obvious that he let you go because you were pregnant

OP you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I noticed you mentioned AAT exams. If you have a degree and live near a large city you may want to consider HMRC’s Tax
Specialist Programme. It is a bit of a hoop jumping recruitment process but it takes you to about £50k in 3 years and the
starting salary is over £30k. Initial application (online tests) must be made by 3 December.
www.civilservicejobs.service.gov.uk/csr/jobs.cgi?jcode=1606845

She's wrong to gossip and her parents should pull her up on it as she still lives at home so their rules.

SIL is a grown woman, not a teenager

Well your sil is a bitch. You have a roof over your head, a decent dp with a kind family and a lovely healthy baby, you actually have a charmed life compared to many. Ok it's not the life you expected, but it's not bad. You have so many positives, you are likeable and respectful (your pils clearly like you) honest, a good worker, and ambitious and you have plenty of time to get back into a career. Enjoy your baby and try to enjoy this stage in your life because that is what it is, a stage.

My mum dropped out of university and ran off back to her birth country at 20, lived in a tent for a bit (working and being all political!) Then arrived back in the UK, met my dad who was unemployed and a single dad, they squatted for a bit while my mum went back to uni and she got pregnant and had to take a break. Had 1 child, went on to postgraduate study, had another child while studying. At this point I'm sure plenty of people thought she was some kind of failure. She ended up chief executive of a public sector organisation with a long happy marriage and a whole bunch of happy, well adjusted kids.
You're doing brilliantly OP, and in 5/10 years time I'm sure you'll be secure and sucessful. Thing is, you sound like someone who is smart and hardworking and you are just in a tough spot. Try and enjoy your baby and ignore your SIL - she knows you'll come through this, that's why she's treating you like this x

Good luck op. Have you tried for social housing?

You sound lovely and hard working. All the things that made you successful in your initial goal of moving to the city and doing well are still in you, you sound like right now you are succeeding at being a great parent and excellent daughter in law.

We had our first child mid 20s and for a bit I felt like my life was over, I loved our baby and my DH but everyone else seemed to be getting along in their career and having fun. In hindsight though that time was so short - we now have 3 more DCs, and I am in senior position in a good company. You can still achieve what you wanted - or if your goal changes that's ok too. Small towns have their advantages too (though your SIL doesn't sound like one of them!)
Well done and good luck with your next adventure..

Take no notice of her. You have the determination at attitude to make things work. Think about next year you will be in a much better position. Your SIL is a cow making snide remarks, kicking while your down. I am sure karma will give her a taste of it one day.
This will all make you a stronger person in the long run. Good luck enjoy your baby you will be back to work before you know it.

Congratulations on your baby. You are guilty of being naive about your boss and having a support system that failed. That's it. Enjoy your family, ace those exams and remember to give SIL a big smug smile when you move out. "Little chores" FFS!

You had a baby 5 months ago, and you are feeling "low". Could you have PND?
Please do go and talk to your GP/Health Visitor.
You do need to stop being so down on yourself. Lots of people have babies at unplanned times. A lot of the most successful women I admire had an "accidental" baby. You can pick yourself up and move on.

To be honest your SIL might have been "popular" but was she Regina from "Mean Girls"? Because she does sound quite bitchy.

Take no notice of your SIL, just wait until she makes a mistake and you can berate her all you like.

So OK it's not the best situation, but you are were you are and know where you want to be. Nothing to do with her, or the village!