I'm so ashamed

[wesith]

I'm so ashamed of myself

I'm in my mid 20s and up until last year, I had a couple of really good jobs in the city. I was known as one of those people who moved away from a small town and did well.

I got pregnant by my relatively short-term boyfriend the time in September last year. It was admittedly my fault; we were using condoms but we were drunk one night and it was like a 'oh it'll be fine!' thing and obviously it wasn't.

I'd only just started my new job, but was stupidly honest with my boss and told him the truth the next day after I'd found out. I was let go a few days later, him saying that I'd failed probation. This was despite him the day before me telling him I was pregnant praising my performance. I'd had no indication that my performance had slipped.

I knew that I'd been fired because I was pregnant. It was a very client-facing role. I'd taken up a grievance with him, but as I was still in probation, I had no leg to stand on. I was so gutted.

I had to move out of my rented flat and into my parents' house. My OH then came to live with me. I applied for jobs every single day. I never got any of them. I was showing quite early and must've gone on about 20 interviews. It was so soul-destroying.

I then had to go on UC and standing outside the Job Centre whilst pregnant was the most shameful moment of my life, but I needed the money so badly. The work advisor at the JC even said that I'd really struggle to find a job whilst pregnant.

A few months later, my Dad's wife decided that she didn't want a new baby in the house and told me to leave. My Dad said to me that he didn't want to risk losing his marriage and that I'd have to leave. Me and OH turn up at his parents' house with our things in bin bags. They were more than happy for me to stay, I'm so grateful. I was so embarrassed for this.

His (twin) sister was in the same year as us at school; one of those pretty popular girls. The news of me being pregnant, homeless and unemployed swept the small town that we live in. My friend who works with her told me that he'd heard her telling someone in the smoking area - stuff that I hadn't even told him yet.

I gave birth in the June and everybody loves the baby. My OH has now completed his teacher training, everything is becoming a lot more stable.

OH's sister makes me feel so low about myself it's unreal. Yesterday she made a joke about me being a 'benefits mum'. She'd come in from work last week when I was cleaning the house, she said 'doing your little chores, are you?'

I clean my ILs' house just to be respectful as I'm living in someone else's home. They refuse to accept money, so that's my contribution. I do all of the day-to-day of the house. It's the very least that I can do, IMO. They're happy for us to be there. They've told me that we're welcome for as long as it takes. I'm so lucky that they took me into their home.

Baby is approaching 6 months now and I need to get another job so that we can move out. We're not forced to, but I want our own space, baby will need their own bedroom etc.

I'm starting my job search today. I'm also going to be starting my AAT course soon, too. I'm doing the best that I possibly can. I've saved enough for a deposit for renting a flat, I just need to show that I'm consistently earning before we can rent.

I'm just so ashamed that she's told everyone about my situation. I'm really trying to get myself out of this. I'm just embarrassed that this has happened.

She’s jealous. Smile sweetly and let it wash over you. I’d be willing to bet that your PILs are often talking about how lucky her twin is to have such a lovely partner, how you’ve given them a much loved grandchild, and how sweet you are for helping around the house so much. It must be driving her mad

You aren't unemployed, you're a stay at home new mum. Your sister in law sounds awful and to be honest and someday I think you should ask her really nicely is she okay or is something wrong? Really nicely, then she can't say youre starting a fight and will leave you alone. You are doing great and in a few years you'll look bad and say that was tough wasn't it? But it won't matter. You're doing great, don't be ashamed, you're proactive and lovely and epic

Look back not look bad

I agree, be kinder to yourself. Let her comments wash over you. The most important thing is that your baby has a loving home. I also bet your PIL are secretly thrilled to have you there (I would be) and I approve of the fact that you are helping around the house, etc.
It's great that you are keen to find work but it's going to take some organisation with baby.

Make sure that you keep your great relationship with your PIL in good shape - they sound super.

It’s actually great news that you’ve managed to save for a deposit, your partner has finished his training, he and his parents sound supportive, you have a healthy and happy baby, you are clearly someone who is considerate and sensitive to others. Honestly—everything is looking up so don’t let SIL ruin what is actually a vast improvement on your living situation. She sounds like she has problems of her own and it’s best just to let her work that out. Ignore her as best you can (I know—not easy) and keep going. It sounds like you’re doing everything that you can and you should be very proud of yourself and your partner for pushing through what sounds like a very difficult stage of your lives.

Sounds to me like SIL is jealous of the attention her parents are giving you and their grandchild, and I daresay that's abundantly clear to anyone she's been gossiping to. You've been lucky that they're there for you, but equally they've been lucky that you've behaved as you have. No shame in your situation imo, you're pulling your weight and doing your best. Your father and stepmother, on the other hand...dear me.

well done for being so reasonable and holding it all together.
you should not be ashamed at all. ignore the haters and good luck looking for a job.

You’re doing SO well, OP! You’ve taken initiative again and again to make your life, your OH and your baby’s life better, and it is really admirable! You sound like a very strong and capable person. You’ve really got a lot of amazing qualities. Your baby is very lucky to have such a mummy!
Ignore anyone who doesn’t support you with open arms like your in laws. They must love having you around.
You’re still on what would be maternity leave, so don’t rush into anything!
Congratulations again.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You are doing as much as you can to contribute. So you got pregnant at a difficult time, you won't be the first and you won't be the last. Be proud that you are working to get yourself and you family in a better place and keep that good relationship with your in-laws. Ignore the sister and anyone who looks down their nose at you, although honestly, most people won't care as they'll have there own worries.

Thank you again everyone.

Do you think that it'll be tough for me to get a job now that I have a child?

I've mentioned on my CV that she'll be going into FT childcare soon.

I know that they'll be wondering. Not like anyone's ever asked my OH, though...

I think you should be proud not ashamed.

You have a beautiful baby , a settled relationship, saved a deposit for a flat . Won’t be long till you have a job .

Anyone who judges rather than supporting you does not have an opinion worth listening to

I was waiting for something to be ashamed about but it never came.
You could say you had severe morning sickness or something to explain the gap? It's not like it's going to be a regular ailment.
Are there any short courses or things you can do to keep skills relevant?
You're doing well.

I wouldn't mention any childcare arrangements of in fact any child at all on your CV. They don't need to know. It's your (that is, both your baby's parents') responsibility to sort out childcare so you can turn up at work - employers shouldn't be bothered about the details.

If your OH doesn't mention babies and childcare on his CV (I'm assuming he doesn't) - then nor should you. Let your CV be about your skills and experience, and don't talk about babies and childcare in interviews either.

Oh OP I can really feel your anguish in your post - I just wanted to say you’re doing great, you found yourself in a difficult situation and you took action and did everything possible to give your little one a home and stability. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in this scenario. Sometimes life throws us curve balls and it’s hard and we later wonder what we could’ve done differently, but all we can really do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what’s best for our family. Keep going, your SIL is talking our her backside.

@ShePoopsAConker thank you. It's just because I mention maternity leave on my CV as the gap in employment so I thought they'd wonder. Maybe I'm overthinking it all?

Sorry, just wanted to mention that we need for us both to work FT to be able to afford to rent. OH's a NQT so on his income alone, we'd really struggle for the next year. I wouldn't want that burden on him

OP what happened to you could have happened to any of us. Discrimination against pregnant women is illegal for this reason, you were in a very vulnerable situation. I can see why you feel like you do, as your life has turned out at the moment to be very different to what you thought it was shaping up to be. You're driven, clever and have a supportive family so you CAN make this work.

Your SIL is acting like a bitch. Please don't let her comments make you feel bad about yourself, instead use them to make you more determined to prove you wrong. You will be successful, you will find a job you're happy with that pays well and get yourself out of what you think is a rut - unfortunately she will always likely be a nasty judgemental person

Have maternity leave on your CV, (to explain the gap) but don't put anything about childcare arrangements - none of their business!

Don't mention children on cv or interview. If you want to explain the gap just put maternity leave and leave it as that. You will get a job, you haven't been out of the workforce for years, you still have relevant skills, you're still young!

I feel awful about my baby going into FT childcare so young. I feel like I can't win really!

The thing is OP, even if you wait another 6 months you'll still feel awful!

Would pil want to look after the baby for a day a week? They will miss her when you move out! Also if I have this right and your OH is a teacher then your baby will spend a lot more time with a parent than a lot of other babies if he gets standard teacher holidays

@AmIRightOrAMeringue they're working FT as well, unfortunately. MIL even considered taking an early retirement and looking after DD but it just wouldn't be financially viable

That's a shame, but the fact she considered it I guess shows just how much she thinks of you and the baby. They must be young enough that they still might be able to help when the baby is older

Parents in law sound very nice. I think sister-in-law is secretly rather jealous of you and your past success and the way you are coping. Once you've made progress with your AAT try and get a position at a local firm of accountants as a trainee. Your client-facing experience before your pregnancy will be invaluable in your application. If you can get a trainee position it makes it easier to move around in that industry because accountancy firms value practice experience above everything else. After that, try and take Paraplanner qualifications. They are hotly in demand in all accountancy firms. You're a couple with your whole lives ahead of you and a lovely baby. Good luck!

Wow OP I could have wrote this. Lost my job on probation due to pregnancy and had DD in June also!! Also been forced to claim benefits and I always get asked when im going back to work or getting a job yet if i was on maternity leave people wouldnt ask. I feel so ashamed too xx

Starlight345:
I think you should be proud not ashamed.

You have a beautiful baby , a settled relationship, saved a deposit for a flat . Won’t be long till you have a job .

Anyone who judges rather than supporting you does not have an opinion worth listening to

^this!!!