DH’s working hours/lonely evenings/me not wanting a nanny

[crazytiredboth]

(Apologies in advance that this is so long. I’m upset and don’t speak to adults very often!)

I am a SAHM to 1 year old twins. Have never had formal childcare help. Closest family three hours away. Husband works abroad at least a few days each week and works long hours if he’s in the country. I am generally happy being on my own at home with DTs but I am of course lonely and exhausted. (They’ve always been good sleepers so I don’t have overnight issues to contend with but they’re full on in the day).

DH normal day if in UK is out the door by 0700 not home til 2100, often working later in office and always still working from his phone if he is at home. Often has to dial into conference calls from bed. (He works across multiple time zones). Holidays get cancelled days before we go because of deals that have to be worked on, so have given up ever trying to book to go away. He is one of those ambitious types who thrives on pressure and is financially very well rewarded - he thinks this makes it ok and is why he does it. I would disagree as think quality of life is lacking but he has worked this hard his entire working life, it’s not new. The difference is he can’t have weekends to do as he pleases now. There’s an element of “you know what you signed up for when you married me”. (I see his point, but I didn’t know I would have two children at once).

We have argued all weekend, the classic competitive tiredness type bullshit and “I’m doing all this for you!” one liners. I don’t earn because I have chosen to raise our DTs at home so yes, he is paying for everything. I would gladly live somewhere cheaper/smaller though (and have said many times) I’m not out and about spending his money frivolously. Financially he does not need to work at the level he does - it’s a choice he makes because he wants to save to retire young and for our children to be well provided for. (Which I totally appreciate is his choice to make and I am grateful for - though it may not seem it ).

I often dread weekends because I am so used to it being just me and DC then he comes along and wants (and needs) to relax a bit but guess what? You can’t with two toddlers around. (Cue him being nasty and me being petty with “welcome to my life” type comments which obviously don’t help).

Fuck that’s a long backstory but basically, any argument descends into him saying I HAVE to get a nanny and that this would solve all our problems. I fundamentally don’t want one (I know good ones exist, I know lots of people love theirs, but I don’t work and the idea of having a nanny as a SAHM feels bonkers to me). I could get a part time job to justify (to myself) having a nanny but it seems crazy when I desperately want to be with my children while they are young. We don’t need the money me working would provide.

Part time nursery is an option I suppose but I’m concerned about illnesses as they were born prem and get ill constantly WITHOUT nursery, so can’t imagine it with. One or other is ill most of the time so I imagine myself in a ridiculous situation where I will be paying for both to go but one will be at home with me on any given day, defeating the object of me getting a break.

I’ve struggled to make local “mum friends”, at first because it was nigh on impossible to get out with DTs but latterly because I live somewhere where everyone seems to have a nanny and it’s the nanny that goes to the park/classes where I would meet people.

I miss DH. His working hours were always this bad but pre-kids we could make it seem ok...I’d meet him for dinner at 9 in town (we’re in central London, so not as bonkers as I appreciate it sounds reading this back) and weekends we could both just chill in bed. Used to eat out a lot and go to nice places (I.e feel like the working hard was worth it because we got to enjoy “fancy things”) but now I’m stuck at home of course.

I don’t feel like childcare is the issue and that a nanny would help, I feel like my issues are being lonely (every evening on your own is maddening with time) and feeling like I want to spend time as a four and that it’s not possible. This weekend I’ve had a bit of a break where he’s sent me to bed/out for coffee but it’s always been off the back of an argument and has meant I’ve just spent EVEN MORE time on my own. As soon as I come back he has to have a sleep himself. Tag team parenting. So great, another weekend where we haven’t been able to spend any time together - all under the guise of “doing me a favour” and therefore I can’t complain.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is really. I’m just upset and miss him. Contrary to this long whinge-fest we do actually really get on and love each other. Hopefully not past tense!!!!

I suppose it’s AIBU for thinking a nanny wouldn’t solve our problems? I don’t want a stranger raising our children when I don’t even work. Maybe I’m just an ungrateful cow? Maybe I’m depressed? Although I only get this upset when he is around and not helping. M-F I just get on with everything relatively happily.

Is it just one of those things that gets better as DC get older?! I’m aware his working hours are unusual but hopefully someone can relate?! Maybe no matter what your childcare set-up is the first few years of parenthood are just really bloody hard on any relationship?

(I also know we are VERY lucky to be in a financial position where I don’t have to work, but it’s still hard raising two babies completely on your own. Hopefully this essay doesn’t come across as massively out of touch and offensive. I know things could be a lot worse. Spending night after night on your own just messes with your head)

it sounds to me that fundamentally you want to see more of your husband not less of your children.

as a plaster, may be some babysitting so you can go out in the evenings might be good? with or without dh, a regular club with regular babysitting to cover?

Thank you for summing up in one sentence what I didn’t manage to say in 50000 paragraphs in my OP. I think that’s how I need to phrase it to DH. It’s constant bickering when actually it comes from a well meaning place: wanting to see more of him!

Agree evening babysitting may be best option. Thank you.

I don’t think you need a nanny - but you do need some child free time and some company. What about looking for a mother’s help or regular babysitter to look after the children while you get to go out - to the gym, or find a yoga class, or a hobby or drinks with friends etc.

Would moving nearer to family help?

I agree with you it doesn't sound like a nanny would help, as it sounds like what you want is for him to do more with you as a family and spend more time helping you, a nanny would just enable him to feel justified carrying on the way he is. Personally my concern would be that it sounds like he is spending very little time with you or the children. No matter how much he earns that would not be something I would be happy with as they are young for such a short time and he and they are missing so much if they do not get time together. Also very isolating for you.

I would agree that the first few years of parenting are hard on most people's relationship and twins must exacerbate this, but it didn't sound like he is listening to you and your needs. I know in some sectors working these sort of hours is the norm but to me it would not be compatible with children being so small and would be wanting to change this even if it meant a pay cut or going back to work myself so we were both working more reasonable hours. It's one thing if you are both happy with the current situation but does not sound like this is the case.

Just get a part time nanny and use the time to go out with your husband and get some time to yourself. Everyone needs a break!

I'm a lone parent, work full time with two children. Even I get a break! No need to be a martyr.

I think he's selfish to work such long hours because he wants to retire young, missing out on so much of their child hood. You essentially are the Nanny. He may have procreated but he's not really being a father.

Could you show him this post? I think you sound lovely and are trying to be very fair but they are his children too. You sound very grateful for your fortunate position but you do exist too, not just as a mother or wife. What if you wanted to work at a high level, how would he cope with that?

I do get the tit for tat part. My 'D'H thinks he's done his bit if he washes up the breakfast dishes once a week and runs the Hoover round the rug in the living room. I find it infuriating as then, of course, he deserves a sit down.

Do you have help around the house? I can only answer for me here but I think I would find this situation more tenable if you had a housekeeper, gardener, cleaner? Less drudgy?

I'm not suggesting they should take his place but do you have friends? You do sound really lonely.

I take it had not be willing to step back a bit at work?

What about an Au Pair? They could take some of the pressure off you, and could be part of the regular babysitting plan?

Still not addressing the problem of not seeing your husband, but at least making it easier for you in the interim.

I agree about a babysitter. More generally, do seek out other mums to provide company during the day - it may be mostly nannies/minders at the groups you visit, but possibly ask on local FB groups if there are any mums of DC this age around to meet during weekdays? Or try a local twins club? I really empathise with this - I’m at home with 15 month old DD and after my mat leave friends went back to work the days just dragged on.

Parenthood is a marathon not a sprint I actually agree with your DH it’s far more valuable for him to work his arse off now whilst the babies aren’t missing him and for him to be semi retired when they are teens and need far more parenting.

You need friends and company though, move closer to family might be the best bet

They won't need their arses wiping when they are teens. By far the hardest part is what the op is going through now.

The first few years are the hardest and the situation will probably get easier as time passes as weekends become relaxing again (maybe 2 years or so). If you are a good couple and love and like each other and respect each other's approach to work/life balance (it sounds like you do), then it might be a case of finding a sticking plaster for the moment. To be honest, if you can afford it I'd 100% go with a nanny/childminder maybe a couple of days a week, that way you can go to gym/do hobby/whatever in order to get some adult interaction each day. Obvs this would be nice to get with DH but he's clearly mostly unavailable. Hopefully it will sort itself over time either way, children test even the strongest relationships. Good luck

And if he's not involved now, by the time they're teens, they won't be interested.

He sounds like a lot of the men I have worked with in the City over the years. They have children, their wife's life changes completely and their's carries on much as before except for they now have a selection of endearing anecdotes to roll out.
My DH also works long hours - although not going overseas and not as intensively as yours - and the early years were tough as we had competitive tiredness battles and that was with a 2.5yr age gap between our two (although both were crap sleepers). What helped was getting an evening babysitter twice a week (they were both good at going to sleep, just not at staying asleep past midnight). On one evening, I went to the gym and on another might meet DH or a friend for dinner. Going out with DH to a nice restaurant or something was great as it was a neutral environment and it reminded us of life pre-DC. It was also a chance to discuss any issues as we know we wouldn't get interrupted by the DC or the dishwasher, washing machine etc ending.
The other thing which really helped was one of our neighbours mentioning that her 19yo who worked in a nursery was desperate for cash and so once every couple of weeks she'd come over at 6.00am (around the time ours woke up) on a Saturday and stay until 9.30am. We both got some extra sleep and started off the weekend in a much better mood. It was so nice. If we could have afforded it, we would have done it every weekend. I also started organising/suggesting activities that we had to do together at some point every weekend - meeting friends, taking the DC swimming, going to NT places. Our DC are now 9 & 6 and we continue to try & do something all together for a few hours each weekend even if it is only something like a board game session. It took DH at least a year to realise that it was my intention to always have some whole family time but, when he did realise, he agreed it was a good thing and often comes up with suggestions himself now.

Agree you don't need a nanny but you do need a good babysitter!

From the sounds of it you are both frazzled but the good news is that you have the money to pay for a bit of childcare that works for you.

In your shoes I reckon I'd see if I could arrange the following

• some form of childcare on a Saturday morning so that you can both have a lie in, leisurely breakfast and little relax before launching into full on family weekend with toddlers.

• babysitting for Saturday Eve so you can have a date night

That takes care of your couple time. I'd also book a couple of half days at nursery in the week for you to get a little break, that means that if you are more hands on with the kids at the weekend you won't feel so resentful as you will have had a little rest in the week.

This would allow you both to be the parents you want to be.

Op I can sympathise although we are in a different situation (we both work FT and neither are quite the workaholics that your husband is) - I particularly hate the weekend tag team parenting but this seems to be my husband’s default mode.

Some suggestions - there is a big difference between a nanny and some occasional help during the week to give you some time to yourself/to see friends. Could you perhaps try some or all of the following

• find a nanny or babysitter to come one or two mornings a week so you can go to the gym/get your hair done/go and sit in the bath and read a book/see a friend/do whatever you want?
• have a standing evening during mid week where you have a babysitter eg Tuesdays - you could then either go and have dinner with dh or see a friend?
• get some help on one weekend day - if it feels weird to do that time them to arrive at your DTs nap time so eg 1-6 on Saturdays. You and your dh could go and have lunch and then either do something together or chill out separately. And from your twins’ POV they are only missing out on 2-3 hours of time with you as they’d be asleep for a big chunk of that time anyway

Good luck! My DH has a v similar perspective to yours in terms of using paid childcare and my experience is that you will not convince him to do the work himself rather than outsourcing so you may as well embrace the fact he is at least happy to pay for what he won’t do himself and get some time back for yourself and you as a couple in the process

I have twins who are now three (and I’m expecting a third at Christmas) and I find my husband’s job a real challenge as well. His hours aren’t as long, but he very rarely fully switches off from work, and he’s away a lot. He’s just left today for a two week trip. I think it creates a pressure cooker environment when he is home because there’s a lot of stress placed on valuing the little time you have together, plus both of you feeling hard done by because you have so little time to yourselves. And the reality is that there’s a finite amount of time in the day and it’s unlikely that, with the demands of two babies, you’ll get your needs met as well.

I disagree with a PP that it’s better for him to work all hours now. He’s missing out on building a valuable relationship with your children, and from experience they will begin to notice his absence more and more in the next year. One of mine quietly said to me today, ‘Mama, I miss Daddy and I want him to come home now.’ I teared up!

Equally, I don’t think a nanny is the answer, but I would be looking for some regular babysitting help so that you have some time to yourself in the week, and so that you and DH can have some time together at the weekend. I also think you need to have a frank conversation with DH about the long term effects of the choices he’s making to be so disconnected from his family. I would suggest that if he’s willing to spend the money on a nanny, he would be better off considering how much that would cost annually and reduce his work hours an equivalent amount if possible. You’d be no worse off, but he would be able to play a more significant role in his children’s lives and things would likely be more harmonious at home.

A part time nanny may help so you could get some time off, though if all your friends are working you might still be alone which may not help much.

Another thing could be you moving back nearer your parents and him living in London during the week and coming back at weekends. Maybe he could even have the odd Friday (at least afternoon) off to make for longer weekends (he could possibly work even longer if he wasn’t thinking of coming back home to see you!).

Fundamentally though I think he needs to slow down a bit to make you happier. I can totally understand he wants to retire early but that’s a bit pointless when you’re not happy NOW and he is missing his twins growing up - he must never see them! If he isn’t prepared to do that maybe you have bigger problems. I think the nanny thing is just him throwing more money at the problem tbh.

But I totally think it might be nice for a couple of mornings a week to go out by yourself! Especially as you can afford it. Don’t feel guilty!

Can I suggest sitters agency? I have used them for dd3 for ad hoc childcare during the day and evening. Everyone has been fab. The kind of unflappable people you want. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Go out for an hour or 2. It will give you a bit of mental space.

I have twins too, and the first few years are really hard OP. Especially with a DP who works extremely long hours in a high pressure role.

My DH used to work away during the week, get home at 11pm on a Friday, we’d spend Saturday morning bickering as he questioned everything in his attempt to be helpful, I’d be all prickly, we’d settle down Saturday afternoon and he’d leave to go back to work Sunday night after the DT’s had gone to bed.

I agree with PP’s about you needing some time to yourself. Even just an hour to have a coffee can make all the difference in re-energising you.

My DH really struggled with the fact I was all consumed about the babies so didn’t really have anything else to talk about. I in turn resented the fact that he wasn’t on tap or coming home every night. We only solved it by relocating and me getting a job and putting the DT’s in part time nursery once they were 2.

PM if I can help at all. It’s tough. Be kind to yourself.

Twins are very hard work, as is adjusting and then readjusting to a DH who is not there and then there.
I agree with previous posters set yourself up with help. Make sure you aren't doing cleaning, gardening etc.
I would get part time regular childcare help set up, including one weekend evening so you and DH can spend time together.
I had a lovely live in maid in one country and she was a delight for both the DC and myself so don't dismiss live in help altogether.

This sounds very similar to my Mum and my Dad, except I don't think my Dad earned as much because they couldn't afford childcare. They had four of us (4 in 6 years!) and my Dad was away all the time working when we were babies.

I know my Mum did struggle but when we were teenage my Dad retired and I finally properly got to spend some time with him and loved it, we are all a very close family. So, I don't necessarily agree with others when they say he's missed out on the most important parts because it didn't work like that for us as a family.

I don't know what suggest, he does have a point when he says that you know what you married if it was always like that. Yes, you didn't expect two but you are in a good situation where you can afford someone to help you. You don't have to get a nanny but you can get help.

Maybe like other have suggested, get a babysitter and you two go out like you used too and spend some time together in the evening.