DH’s working hours/lonely evenings/me not wanting a nanny

[crazytiredboth]

(Apologies in advance that this is so long. I’m upset and don’t speak to adults very often!)

I am a SAHM to 1 year old twins. Have never had formal childcare help. Closest family three hours away. Husband works abroad at least a few days each week and works long hours if he’s in the country. I am generally happy being on my own at home with DTs but I am of course lonely and exhausted. (They’ve always been good sleepers so I don’t have overnight issues to contend with but they’re full on in the day).

DH normal day if in UK is out the door by 0700 not home til 2100, often working later in office and always still working from his phone if he is at home. Often has to dial into conference calls from bed. (He works across multiple time zones). Holidays get cancelled days before we go because of deals that have to be worked on, so have given up ever trying to book to go away. He is one of those ambitious types who thrives on pressure and is financially very well rewarded - he thinks this makes it ok and is why he does it. I would disagree as think quality of life is lacking but he has worked this hard his entire working life, it’s not new. The difference is he can’t have weekends to do as he pleases now. There’s an element of “you know what you signed up for when you married me”. (I see his point, but I didn’t know I would have two children at once).

We have argued all weekend, the classic competitive tiredness type bullshit and “I’m doing all this for you!” one liners. I don’t earn because I have chosen to raise our DTs at home so yes, he is paying for everything. I would gladly live somewhere cheaper/smaller though (and have said many times) I’m not out and about spending his money frivolously. Financially he does not need to work at the level he does - it’s a choice he makes because he wants to save to retire young and for our children to be well provided for. (Which I totally appreciate is his choice to make and I am grateful for - though it may not seem it ).

I often dread weekends because I am so used to it being just me and DC then he comes along and wants (and needs) to relax a bit but guess what? You can’t with two toddlers around. (Cue him being nasty and me being petty with “welcome to my life” type comments which obviously don’t help).

Fuck that’s a long backstory but basically, any argument descends into him saying I HAVE to get a nanny and that this would solve all our problems. I fundamentally don’t want one (I know good ones exist, I know lots of people love theirs, but I don’t work and the idea of having a nanny as a SAHM feels bonkers to me). I could get a part time job to justify (to myself) having a nanny but it seems crazy when I desperately want to be with my children while they are young. We don’t need the money me working would provide.

Part time nursery is an option I suppose but I’m concerned about illnesses as they were born prem and get ill constantly WITHOUT nursery, so can’t imagine it with. One or other is ill most of the time so I imagine myself in a ridiculous situation where I will be paying for both to go but one will be at home with me on any given day, defeating the object of me getting a break.

I’ve struggled to make local “mum friends”, at first because it was nigh on impossible to get out with DTs but latterly because I live somewhere where everyone seems to have a nanny and it’s the nanny that goes to the park/classes where I would meet people.

I miss DH. His working hours were always this bad but pre-kids we could make it seem ok...I’d meet him for dinner at 9 in town (we’re in central London, so not as bonkers as I appreciate it sounds reading this back) and weekends we could both just chill in bed. Used to eat out a lot and go to nice places (I.e feel like the working hard was worth it because we got to enjoy “fancy things”) but now I’m stuck at home of course.

I don’t feel like childcare is the issue and that a nanny would help, I feel like my issues are being lonely (every evening on your own is maddening with time) and feeling like I want to spend time as a four and that it’s not possible. This weekend I’ve had a bit of a break where he’s sent me to bed/out for coffee but it’s always been off the back of an argument and has meant I’ve just spent EVEN MORE time on my own. As soon as I come back he has to have a sleep himself. Tag team parenting. So great, another weekend where we haven’t been able to spend any time together - all under the guise of “doing me a favour” and therefore I can’t complain.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is really. I’m just upset and miss him. Contrary to this long whinge-fest we do actually really get on and love each other. Hopefully not past tense!!!!

I suppose it’s AIBU for thinking a nanny wouldn’t solve our problems? I don’t want a stranger raising our children when I don’t even work. Maybe I’m just an ungrateful cow? Maybe I’m depressed? Although I only get this upset when he is around and not helping. M-F I just get on with everything relatively happily.

Is it just one of those things that gets better as DC get older?! I’m aware his working hours are unusual but hopefully someone can relate?! Maybe no matter what your childcare set-up is the first few years of parenthood are just really bloody hard on any relationship?

(I also know we are VERY lucky to be in a financial position where I don’t have to work, but it’s still hard raising two babies completely on your own. Hopefully this essay doesn’t come across as massively out of touch and offensive. I know things could be a lot worse. Spending night after night on your own just messes with your head)

Another vote for a carefully chosen au pair. Childcare on tap, some housework help, some company.

I wonder whether an au pair would be your best bet. Babysit several evenings per month (so more when he's on the UK) plus a few hours each weekend. Somehow you need to meet other Mums too so look at different circles??

Long term your relationship may not be sustainable but got your evenings together back would be a good start plus weekend time...

You could try advertising for a part time nanny someone who wants to do tag childcare with their own partner may be interested???

An au pair is supposed to be a part of the family, hence a companion. Not staff.

I have had four au pairs, and have twins and another child. All were a great bit of company about the house and the last one ended up staying three years and is like family to us now. I know that doesn't work for everyone or indeed most people! But it's something to think about, my dh works very long hours too and it helped me.

forget the au pair unless it's just housekeeping duties.

For small babies you want a good babysitter and a mother's help to sort your cleaning/housekeeping/ironing and background stuff with the twins freeing up your time.

You sound so lonely

No advice to add about your DH but in regards to nursery I've (only 1 thankfully) ex 28 weeker he had CLD and came home on oxygen. He's two next July, I've had to send him to nursery this year. I worried like you about coughs/colds/sickness bugs but touch wood he's been ok. One sicky bug since July.

No idea if that is the norm but I thought I'd share that nursery doesn't have to mean catching every bug going.

We had our au pairs with small babies. They all had childcare qualifications. They don't have to be school leavers.

There are some really great suggestions here so thank you everyone. Love the idea of getting help on a Saturday daytime, I wouldn't have thought of that. I also think having part-time help on set days so I could plan around it would make a world of difference. Not sure really why in my head nanny = full time, living in your house, big massive deal.

To answer a couple of questions:

• I agree moving would help massively, we are on the market but it's a shit time. Life would feel considerably easier if I could do something as simple as going to a smear test without taking two toddlers with me.

• I could indeed befriend local nannies and have done swimming with one in past. Vast majority that I've met stick to their circles though which around here is predominantly French/Filipino. (Aware that might make me sound full Farage and that's not the case at all - it's just hard to casually drop into conversations if you're the only one not speaking French!!!)

• No hobbies but I am tempted to create one for the purpose of getting the hell out sometimes.

• I do have a twin mum friend down the road but i haven't been to a twins club as of yet. I think it would be a good idea as it's easy to feel like all you do at baby classes sometimes is answer questions about having twins and that doesn't happen with other twin parents.

I think it's a bit mean saying you knew what he was like when you married him. He also knew what you were like but presumably you've changed a lot to enable your life to revolve around the twins. It isn't unreasonable to think most people's lives change when they become parents - not just carry on almost completely as before while the other person completely changes. Also it's very very difficult to imagine how draining having children is beforehand, I think a lot of people think they will love every second of being at home but the reality is very different.

Can you see if you can get him to commit to coming home early and doing bed and bath time with them one day a week? Even if he has to go on his laptop again once they're in bed? And to do one whole family activity at the weekend like swimming or trampolining or something. I'd approach it from the pov of missing him and missing couple time and family time

My DH worked even longer hours than yours, and it drove me absolutely to the edge. After a few big rows over a long period of time it all just combusted and he had to find a way to adjust his work life. We didn’t need extra money, we needed a husband and dad. Only when I got to the point of realising that he barely knew our (x3) babies and I was doing absolutely everything alone - and fucking told him so during a total meltdown, did things start to change. He laid plans and changed careers and our home life has become so lovely. We both work for ourselves, because he’s around more which enables me to actually do things I’m good at and passionate about. I know you can’t just do a carbon copy of this or wave a magic wand, but realistically do you want to be a lonely and resentful misery while he works even hours that he doesn’t need to? Let’s say he - he won’t BTW - retires at 45? Super early retirement. What will he do with the new-found wonderful free time? Rebuild relationships with all of the people he neglected whilst being a workaholic?? The tag teaming at the weekend is also ridiculous. You should be taking turns on lie-ins and doing stuff together as a whole family on the weekends. Not him doing you a ‘favour’ by chucking you out for a lonely coffee. Until he has to do stuff alone with the babies, and has to plan and be involved in days out etc with them, then he won’t fully appreciate them, or what your day to day is like. Please don’t feel guilty about daycare or nannies just because you are a SAHM. If it makes you feel any better, start a new thread asking how many average hours per week people’s friends/Family watch or take out their 1yo dcs and use the average as a starting point. You don’t have Family around, and a really brilliant childminder or cozy private nursery can feel like extended family for small children. It’s good for them to mix with other kids, and they’ll build up their immune systems by going to nursery and groups. Re the other people at groups being non-mums, who cares? I’m still really good friends with a CM I met when taking my kids to groups as babies, and have met loads at the school who are interesting and friendly - which is what you need to be surrounding yourself with. Their status as mum or childminder or nanny is sort of irrelevant. You need friends and a social life and your babies probably do too!

Similar but different situation - 1yr old, both working, central London lifestyle. We got so bad in the last six months we had marriage counselling. It was really as others have suggested - all about carving out time as a couple to reconnect without the child.

As we both work it's even more of a manic tag team Monday to Friday (and babysitters picking up the evening slack when either of us travel) but having a network of carers that you trust makes the world of difference in my opinion.

Since the big realisation, we've been on weekends away, out to dinner, everything is generally so much more harmonious. I also have time to go and do things for myself - to yoga, see a pre- baby friend for lunch/dinner (surely you have those even if you haven't made mum friends?). And my DH gets that time too. I honestly feel like a new person after nearly two years of being a slave to a baby.

In sum, get regular childcare at evenings and some weekends to make your family time more joyful.

Is it possible to have a conversation about his actual job? He sounds like a deal guy. My husband did deals and changed jobs when our twins were 4 months old, he realised the travelling was not compatible with seeeing the kids (although he always said I don’t want to be doing deals at 40) and took a sideways move. He’s now home most of the time (still obsessed with work and complains about the stress etc). I went back to work 4 days when they were 16 months and we have a nanny. I was really not sure if I would last and honestly I’m so happy with my decision. I really enjoy time on my own (well at work). I’m home from work at 530 every night and have a 3 day weekend. DH gets kids up every morning and waits for the nanny. It’s made him HAVE to do more parenting. Initially he argued and said the nanny should just come earlier but I won that battle. Also now the twins are 2 and that bit more grown up he is really trying to get home for bedtime 2/3 times a week because they ask where he is and he feels more important to them than before.

Is it time to have an honest discussion with him about how one sided everything is? Would you consider working again or would that just add to the stress?

It sounds as if part-time childcare is the way to go.

There’s an element of “you know what you signed up for when you married me”

There's also an element of "he knows what he signed up for when he had kids".

I think I would happily work again @Waterdropsdown (would love to feel like my brain was used for something useful and my opinions mattered outside of this house) but I've been put off by friends who have returned to work and are having a nightmare with kids being ill and sent home from nursery etc. It sounds like a massive ballache which I am fortunate to not need to put myself through. That could be just due to the young age of our DCs though and in a couple of years it could be easier perhaps?

@Pandamodium that's really reassuring. Thank you! I stress a lot more about one of them than the other and I think I have to remind myself sometimes they're a lot more robust now. They're not strapping teenagers, sure, but they're not tiny babies now either. Thank you.

@LannieDuck actually has it... he chose to have DC he needs to accommodate being a father to them!!!

That’s one of the things I was worried about but I’ve only had to wfh a couple of days in almost a year because of sick kids. I guess that’s the benefit of the nanny. Unless there is really a problem then Nanny just takes care. Although I know I have been lucky as we’ve not had any serious illness just the usual colds and a couple of D&V episodes.

Do you ever do anything as a family?

I get it, when kids were young dh worked 7 days a week, traveling most months and we relocated 6000 miles! (sorry but it's a bit extreme) just after dd1 was born so knew nobody. I was desperately lonely. Admittedly I didn't have twins, mine are 22 months apart but looking back it was not at all good. Turning point was picking up the courage to join a mum and baby group, was referred by our dr to a state funded program (a bit like sure start). I got the interaction I needed. As money isn't as much of an issue for you - why not have a nanny/housekeeper come one day a week, you can use it for all those jobs doing with two kids is hard even sorting out things in the house, and do get out to toddler group or similar where you can interact with adults.

Finally try to get him to commit to family time even once a month where his work phone is left at home - what you describe sounds similar to what my friends dh was like (I provide, get household help whatever you need but not compromising) she gave him an ultimatum and did leave for her mums for a few weeks but he did concede to the once a month trip out and family Sundays.

We do spend time as a family yes. Not as much as I'd like but we definitely do so it could be worse. Most weekends we will have a walk or go to the park or something with no phones and that's really nice. It's just this weekend it would appear that months worth of agro bubbled over

Should add that the DC adore him and he is amazing with them when he is here. It's my lonely evenings that seem to be the problem alongside taking it seemingly very personally when it is suggested I need a nanny.

Do you have any child free friends?

I have several friends that I used to visit midweek to help with bedtime routine if their partners were away, typically we followed sorting the kids out with food & a chat (often take away or m&s dine in for £10 type stuff). This might help you feel more like a person than just X & Y's Mum. Your central location will help make this work.

One friend used to make a point of "booking me" when her husband's regular 10day worktrips came round.

It means I've got a lovely relationship with their kids - for one family I'm truly an honorary aunt. This regular contact during the baby years means our friendships have endured despite very divergent lifestyles.

Ironically it is now that the kids are older we struggle to catch up as midweek evenings are busy with parental taxi duties to football training, scouts etc rather than simply popping them in bed! Although I still get roped in sometimes to help out if one of them is on a work trip and there are drop offs in two diverse locations required...

Another source of "human" you time might be the gym. My old gym in zone 1 had a great crèche and at one point my friend was going three times a week to get some child free sanity time. Also you could put the kids in one at a time to do swimming as I suspect taking two littlies into the water at the same time would be really challenging.

@opinionatedfreak Yes I do have one child-free friend in particular who comes every other week or so for dinner after she’s finished work. It’s great. I need to recruit more!

And I LOVE that one on one swimming idea. I had planned this pre having them and subsequently completely forgot about it. I will take one and crèche one this week. That’s brilliant. Something different to do! THANK YOU!

In a similar situation OP but my children are a few years older. If you feel this resentful now, and nothing changes (either your DH or how you approach things) you will feel this x10 in 6 or 7 years time. As the poster above said - parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.

If the situation isn’t changing, you need to change the situation. In my case I accepted DH is a workaholic and isn’t going to suddenly turn around and be home at 5pm or take on the mental load of managing the lives of three kids. He is a great dad at weekends and in other ways however.

So I took advantage of the fact that benefit of his work is that it is financially rewarding and when I left my job a year ago after one of our kids was diagnosed with SEN I kept on our nanny. I would have gone insane otherwise. Her being there allows me time to myself and time to see friends. I found the isolation of being at home very tough and not good for my mental health so I made a rule where I try to meet one person whom I know outside of my kids once per week. Most of my friends work and have kids so often lunchtimes are the best times to see them. She also allows me time to do things like smear tests (!), and other errands. She also babysits every second week so DH and I can go out, and she will stay overnight every few months so we can get a weekend away. It has made a huge difference to our relationship.

It takes a village to raise a child OP, and sometimes you have to pay for that village. Get the nanny but change how you view her. It’s not a reflection on your parenting - it’s someone who will give you time to get your life and potentially your relationship back.

"One friend used to make a point of "booking me" when her husband's regular 10day worktrips came round. "

I don't have much respect for parents who only want to see their childless friends when OH is away. Single friends are not come kind of second-rate companionship you can book when it suits.
I'll never forget a friend who got a call saying 'come round, I'm doing the laundry tonight' as if single women have nothing better to do than watch someone do laundry.

I've been put off by friends who have returned to work and are having a nightmare with kids being ill and sent home from nursery etc. It sounds like a massive ballache which I am fortunate to not need to put myself through.

The easy way around this is... a nanny! If you can afford one when you don't work, surely you can have one if you you'd work as well. They do work when the children are sick also, which makes it a bit easier on working parents.

Your husband is one as well, you know. What was his plan for covering sick days and so on? I get that he might earn a lot more money than you, but they're his kids, too. Senior women tend to use the flexibility they've earned to go to school plays, work from home to take care of sick children, take calls late at night but pick up from school, etc. etc.

Have you considered a childminder for some childcare to give you a break? There are less children there so less chance of them getting sick.

It sounds like you need a break, and company. This could be either seeing you husband more, or other adult company. Have you tried mush? You could also look for local clubs eg book club, and get a babysitter to allow you to attend these in the evening.