DH’s working hours/lonely evenings/me not wanting a nanny

[crazytiredboth]

(Apologies in advance that this is so long. I’m upset and don’t speak to adults very often!)

I am a SAHM to 1 year old twins. Have never had formal childcare help. Closest family three hours away. Husband works abroad at least a few days each week and works long hours if he’s in the country. I am generally happy being on my own at home with DTs but I am of course lonely and exhausted. (They’ve always been good sleepers so I don’t have overnight issues to contend with but they’re full on in the day).

DH normal day if in UK is out the door by 0700 not home til 2100, often working later in office and always still working from his phone if he is at home. Often has to dial into conference calls from bed. (He works across multiple time zones). Holidays get cancelled days before we go because of deals that have to be worked on, so have given up ever trying to book to go away. He is one of those ambitious types who thrives on pressure and is financially very well rewarded - he thinks this makes it ok and is why he does it. I would disagree as think quality of life is lacking but he has worked this hard his entire working life, it’s not new. The difference is he can’t have weekends to do as he pleases now. There’s an element of “you know what you signed up for when you married me”. (I see his point, but I didn’t know I would have two children at once).

We have argued all weekend, the classic competitive tiredness type bullshit and “I’m doing all this for you!” one liners. I don’t earn because I have chosen to raise our DTs at home so yes, he is paying for everything. I would gladly live somewhere cheaper/smaller though (and have said many times) I’m not out and about spending his money frivolously. Financially he does not need to work at the level he does - it’s a choice he makes because he wants to save to retire young and for our children to be well provided for. (Which I totally appreciate is his choice to make and I am grateful for - though it may not seem it ).

I often dread weekends because I am so used to it being just me and DC then he comes along and wants (and needs) to relax a bit but guess what? You can’t with two toddlers around. (Cue him being nasty and me being petty with “welcome to my life” type comments which obviously don’t help).

Fuck that’s a long backstory but basically, any argument descends into him saying I HAVE to get a nanny and that this would solve all our problems. I fundamentally don’t want one (I know good ones exist, I know lots of people love theirs, but I don’t work and the idea of having a nanny as a SAHM feels bonkers to me). I could get a part time job to justify (to myself) having a nanny but it seems crazy when I desperately want to be with my children while they are young. We don’t need the money me working would provide.

Part time nursery is an option I suppose but I’m concerned about illnesses as they were born prem and get ill constantly WITHOUT nursery, so can’t imagine it with. One or other is ill most of the time so I imagine myself in a ridiculous situation where I will be paying for both to go but one will be at home with me on any given day, defeating the object of me getting a break.

I’ve struggled to make local “mum friends”, at first because it was nigh on impossible to get out with DTs but latterly because I live somewhere where everyone seems to have a nanny and it’s the nanny that goes to the park/classes where I would meet people.

I miss DH. His working hours were always this bad but pre-kids we could make it seem ok...I’d meet him for dinner at 9 in town (we’re in central London, so not as bonkers as I appreciate it sounds reading this back) and weekends we could both just chill in bed. Used to eat out a lot and go to nice places (I.e feel like the working hard was worth it because we got to enjoy “fancy things”) but now I’m stuck at home of course.

I don’t feel like childcare is the issue and that a nanny would help, I feel like my issues are being lonely (every evening on your own is maddening with time) and feeling like I want to spend time as a four and that it’s not possible. This weekend I’ve had a bit of a break where he’s sent me to bed/out for coffee but it’s always been off the back of an argument and has meant I’ve just spent EVEN MORE time on my own. As soon as I come back he has to have a sleep himself. Tag team parenting. So great, another weekend where we haven’t been able to spend any time together - all under the guise of “doing me a favour” and therefore I can’t complain.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is really. I’m just upset and miss him. Contrary to this long whinge-fest we do actually really get on and love each other. Hopefully not past tense!!!!

I suppose it’s AIBU for thinking a nanny wouldn’t solve our problems? I don’t want a stranger raising our children when I don’t even work. Maybe I’m just an ungrateful cow? Maybe I’m depressed? Although I only get this upset when he is around and not helping. M-F I just get on with everything relatively happily.

Is it just one of those things that gets better as DC get older?! I’m aware his working hours are unusual but hopefully someone can relate?! Maybe no matter what your childcare set-up is the first few years of parenthood are just really bloody hard on any relationship?

(I also know we are VERY lucky to be in a financial position where I don’t have to work, but it’s still hard raising two babies completely on your own. Hopefully this essay doesn’t come across as massively out of touch and offensive. I know things could be a lot worse. Spending night after night on your own just messes with your head)

I know what you mean exactly. You have also identified with insight what the issue is. I don’t think you will have much luck bringing your DH to your line of thinking as

a) he is a workaholic and gets a kick out of it,
b) the realisation needs to come from him,
c) he genuinely has got no idea what your beef is as he hasn’t experienced being stuck at home for months on your own whilst being pulled in all directions by babies/toddlers.

It’s not something I have worked out for myself yet. But I am inclined to think that the solution is to build a life of your own outside of being a mother and a wife. So you will not feel dependent on your OH to fulfill your emotional needs. Because he doesn’t realise/understand these needs and he is simply too tired when he is there.

Now how do you build a life of your own while being in sole charge of 1 y.o. twins is a million dollar question.

Wish you luck and just posted to say I get you. I have also felt like this since I left WOH (now work PT from home earning only a little bit). Loneliness is the worst. But my kids also come first even at the expense of my own well being. So there we go ...

Unfortunately I know from experience it is entirely possible for men (parents) to be absent for a child’s entire life up to 12 and still be Disney dad and have a marvellous relationship with their child. Whilst my circumstances are different due to divorce, if the same could be applied without the trauma and upset I can see how it could benefit a family getting the hard yards out the way to reap the benefits when the children are older

I wouldn't bet on him retiring young when it comes to it. He sounds like a workaholic who, when it comes to it, will always have a reason why he wants to carry on as he is. I would just think that over as a prospect for the rest of your life.

In the meantime, I would get a part-time nanny / other childcare, but I would tell your husband that it doesn't get him off the hook of being a father, that currently he's not being one, and that you didn't have children with him for him to only see them for a very small part of every week.

I’m SAHM and we have a nanny-housekeeper.

It’s the best solution for us - she looks after the DCs so I can go see friends or DH, or run errands etc.

But when I’m looking after the DC she does all the housework, laundry etc which obviously makes my life easier and means I get more time to just enjoy being with the children.

It also means that when DH is home there is no housework to worry about, so we get more family time.

Would that be an option?

Our marriage is much better since we hired the help tbh.

(Sorry somehow autocorrected to “the help” which sounds very posh/snobby. I just meant “since we hired help”).

I have been in your situation but with only 1 DC. I eventually “gave in” and got someone to look after DS for 3 hours once a week, then one evening a month. She took him to a class and then organised his lunch.

It didn’t mean that I wasn’t raising my child, it meant that I was getting a break and could actually step outside the house without my DS. It was unbelievably liberating and I appreciated DS more by having some time apart.

I’m in a similar position OP and can make a good guess at your DH’s profession based on your info!

Just to say that 3-4 years in, things are getting easier. The DCs are still full on but are now having 15 minute periods of amusing themselves and playing together. Also once they’re toilet trained and can feed themselves and can eat normal food, there isn’t as much drudgery. And there’s more fun with the DCs as they can focus on games and jigsaws more.

Don’t feel under pressure to hire a nanny if you don’t want to. Also the fact that an au pair might have to live in your home might affect your family dynamic during your precious family time. However if you can take up on PPs suggestions for a mother’s help, it really would ease the next year for you. It would be as much for the company as for an extra pair of hands.

Am ruefully amused by (very well intentioned) PPs who advise that you should do a risk benefit analysis of the cost v earnings attached to your DHs long working hours... these types of professions are not ones where an hourly rate is applied to overtime - the long working hours come with the territory and are very much expected. It’s not generally possible to strip away the discretionary effort...

This problem is played out among my friends time and time again. Lessons learnt:

DH is not going to change (or rather, unlikely to). So go for the ‘low hanging fruit’:

• you need to get over the ‘no babysitter’ thing. Many SAHMs with twins have parents living nearby or also get some childcare help. Get a nanny/babysitter once a week to work 2pm-11pm. It’s a single long session so you should find someone good. The twins will get used to him/her which will in turn make you happier to go out. You meet DH in town at 9pm for dinner (doesn’t sound crazy to me) or meet friends for dinner once a week.
• use the afternoon to go shopping, do life admin, take up an exercise class/run/swim, or art class etc. You deserve it.
• it will get better.

Do you have a hobby?

Perhaps you could go to an informal group one evening a week, with others that share an interest. Get a babysitter.

I started a craft group one night per week, now I have a great group of friends and we go to other events and meet in cafes etc.

You will miss the children like crazy at first but keep going.

I find I don't focus as much on my DP because I have a social life of my own.

HTH

Definitely get a part time nanny. One who could do a couple of afternoons/evenings a week so maybe you could meet your DH in town for a late dinner.

And maybe get a couple of hours help at the weekend.

It is hard when you have a DH who works long hours - my eldest is 14 and I have two other children. But having been poor with a DH working crazy hours to build a business and now being in a much better financial situation - you do just need to buy in help and out source some stuff.

Your DH is going to be knackered at weekends as his job is insanely busy. And of course you are also going to be tired so rather than play competitive tiredness pay for some help - maybe a weekend afternoon every few weeks so your DH and you can go to the cinema/out for lunch whatever.

it sounds like your DH wants to work those long hours, thrives on it, then doesn't want to participate in family life.

I think you need to talk about that rather than nannies or babysitters.

" live somewhere where everyone seems to have a nanny and it’s the nanny that goes to the park/classes where I would meet people. "

Why can't you socialise with the nannies?

As others have said, the best option seems to be to get a good babysitter so you can go out in the evenings for dinner etc. You mentioned your DT are easy sleepers, so this hopefully shouldn't be a stress for you and you get to enjoy the much needed time as a couple. how about also having a couple of weekends a month when someone takes the DT for a Saturday or Sunday morning so you both get a break, together, and then can enjoy some time together as a four?
good luck!

Part time Nanny who will babysit sometimes. You join some classes/go somewhere where you can make more friends and go out with DH for the odd date night. Solved.
Have you looked into NCT as a way of meeting more Mums? - they were a lifesaver for me. Or some Mum/Baby classes - maybe go slightly outside your geographic zone to try to unearth some classes where Mums rather than Nannies go.
I'm sure it's sortable!

@anyfucker
Twins you say

How about an au pair? She would provide you with some company if you choose the right one. You could get her to work an afternoon and evening at the weekend so you have some time together with dh to relax. You don't need a full time nanny but a bit of help to take the pressure off wouldn't go amiss. I think you need to concentrate on making friends yourself too, why can't you be friends with the nannies at the local groups?

In some professions this is just how it is. I am not sure telling your DH to be a different person will fly - but getting some help in the way PPs have described might help. And asking him to really prioritise being with you all whenever he can. Good luck - and much of this will get better naturally with time as the kids get older. (And by the way my DF worked like this when I was growing up and we have a great relationship - so while it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and puts a lot of pressure on the mum it isn’t necessarily “bad” or “damaging”).

I’d find someone to help on a Saturday. Like a PP mentioned see if you can find a nanny who will start work at 6:30/7am on Saturday so you both get a lie-in and start family time after lunch. I feel you’re in London there will be plenty of places the nanny can take them out - book them into gymboree or similar classes.

SWS17, I suggested the OP’s DH think about the cost of a nanny vs reducing work time and wages. I’m not silly enough to think that overtime is an optional extra. My husband certainly doesn’t get paid extra for the substantial additional hours that he does. But the OP does say that he doesn’t need to be working at this level and that he’s working additional hours to enable early retirement, so that does suggest that there is scope for a reduction in hours or responsibility that would enable a better work/life balance.

I'd be loath to employ someone with a view to them being a friend figure. There are enough threads on here where relationships between the nanny and the family isn't working well and it can read very awkward, more so when the professional lines are a bit blurred.

I would vote for the option of a rental near your parents if that would be possible. It might break up the monotony and allow you to meet more mums rather than nannies at playgroups.

Weekend babysitting another definite to give you the opportunity to go out with your husband.

You need some time with your DH to do couple stuff, so you need childcare. Not necessarily a Nanny, and this doesn't mean you don't want to raise your children. I get what your saying about your DH working so much for your children but that seems to be at the expense of spending time with them and you as a family now sadly.

feel like the working hard was worth it because we got to enjoy “fancy things”) but now I’m stuck at home of course

You’re still enjoying luxuries. The luxury of being able to afford two children and stay at home with no worries about money (unless a massive dripfeed is coming).

Not quite the same but I've got 2 toddlers and DH works away a lot. We do sometimes argue when he's back, I seem to have very high expectations when he's back and he never seems to live up to them!! So I'm annoyed because he's not helping enough and he's annoyed cos I'm being a bitch!

I work so my kids are in nursery but we also have a baby sitter every other Friday. You could even go out after the twins are in bed so you wouldn't be 'missing out', would give you and DH some quality time.

I’d get a few hours help at least, itwould free you up a little, but make it nanny/ housekeeper so you don’t feel you have to hand your babies over. It will also make your dh feel like you listen and you will be able to say that’s nice but it hasn’t fixed things. I would then tell my dh that if I got hit by a bus I think our children would be orphans with a wage earner and I don’t know how many years I can stay in that kind id relationship , irs not what you thought he was offering when you got married. And see what he says.

@Prestonsflowers
I know people troll about twins all the time. I read Reddit. Believe it or not it is possible to be a mumsnet user and genuinely have twins, I know plenty. We are not that rare a breed and twins aren't exactly the central part of my (rather boring) story. I can't see what I'd stand to gain from making this up - the opposite actually as I've already had someone recognise who I am from my OP. I guess it was the those twins that do actually exist which gave me away . I understand why people are sceptical about posters claiming to have twins but you're welcome to check my posting history. Or come and babysit them so I can go out with my dh?!