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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
Kemer2018 · 25/11/2018 15:48

Yanbu.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Your friend feels guilty that she can't retire yet so cannot do childcare. Not your problem.
Sadly, unless your friend has a check up from the neck up, the friendship is already lost.
Enjoy your retirement x x

AvoidingDM · 25/11/2018 15:48

Another thing to consider is it could be way longer than a 4 year commitment if second or third children come along.

diddl · 25/11/2018 15:49

Perhaps the god daughter's mum & dad could pay for it between them to help their daughter out??

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/11/2018 15:49

Fuck her and the horse she came in on

Lose her , whatever

You have worked hard and it’s time to stop

And she is not even family !

No - stand your grounds

Spanglyprincess1 · 25/11/2018 15:50

My own mother won't provide childcare for my son, her only grandchild as she dosnt want to. I'm not offended as it's her life.
Your friends insane!

AcrossthePond55 · 25/11/2018 15:52

DH and I retired in our mid-50s and we've been having the time of our lives being able to make 'spur of the moment' travel plans for a few days getaway as well as take extended (6+ week) trips. And sleeping in whenever you feel like it? Marvelous! Don't deny yourself what you've worked so hard for!

There's really not much you can do for your GD. Both you and her mother have tried to make her see sense. But as we all know, she'll have to come to reality on her own.

I'd probably tell my friend "Sorry you feel that way but I don't find it 'selfish' to want to enjoy my hard-earned retirement and by doing so, not enable GD's husband to continue to financially abuse her. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for her. I value your friendship and love GD but if you feel my refusal is 'a bridge too far' I will accept your decision".

Sakura7 · 25/11/2018 15:53

Your friend's behaviour is outrageous. What a sense of entitlement, it's actually mind boggling.

I wouldn't meet to explain the decision, I would just send a text (some of PPs suggestions above are very good) and say that's the last time you want to hear about it.

If the friendship is damaged, that's not your fault at all, it's 100% on her.

SoVeryOuting · 25/11/2018 15:54

No, YANBU.

Although 64 is not old these days, you deserve to enjoy your retirement with your DH.

If she asks why not, just trot out the usual 'I have other plans', 'that doesn't work for me'.

If pressed, just repeat. Do not feel you have to justify yourself and do not give her any room to manoeuvre, or she will try to persuade you or appeal to your better nature.

If it ends the friendship, then it wasn't worth saving.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 25/11/2018 15:54

Email her back and say that it’s your GDs DH who is being selfish and he needs to take parental responsibility for his own children.

Original poster
Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 15:55

@mythologies. In no way is my DH telling me what to do ! He knows how much I am looking forward to retirement and saw how upset I was when I received the email.
DH and I want to be able to go away last minute or go to the cinema / out for lunch/ whatever . In fact there might be days I sit eating cake watching re-runs of Morse !
To explain about DG’s DH would be whole other thread and probably identifying but DG will not leave. I have offered her practical/ benefit advice.

OP posts:
tablelegs · 25/11/2018 15:56

You wouldn't be able to go traveling if you're committed to looking after a 5 month old baby.

Don't do it op, it's your retirement. You're supposed to enjoy it to do what you wish, not be a childminder.

CottonTailRabbit · 25/11/2018 15:59

I'd be inclined to not even respond to the email. Wait for her to come to her senses and apologise to you.

Lalliella · 25/11/2018 15:59

This fuckery is way beyond cheeky! Don’t meet her, she’ll lay the guilt trip on you even more. Email one of the above suggestions. So cross on your behalf. Selfish?! Of course you’re not! She is the one destroying the friendship with emotional blackmail. Happy retirement OP Flowers

dontalltalkatonce · 25/11/2018 15:59

Very good response, Across.

In no way is my DH telling me what to do ! He knows how much I am looking forward to retirement and saw how upset I was when I received the email.
DH and I want to be able to go away last minute or go to the cinema / out for lunch/ whatever . In fact there might be days I sit eating cake watching re-runs of Morse !

Then do not for one minute be guilted into setting that aside. My parents did exactly the same. Far from seeing them as selfish, I applauded them! They worked so hard for us and have been such excellent grandparents. So thrilled when they would go away or to hear about one of their little dates. You deserve every bit of this.

NoSquirrels · 25/11/2018 16:00

To explain about DG’s DH would be whole other thread and probably identifying but DG will not leave. I have offered her practical/ benefit advice.

In which case, you are morally absolved. Tell your friend you can't do it, and why. Have a coffee with DGD, or write her a note, and tell her why too - that her DH is financially abusing her and you cannot be part of that. Make sure she know you will always help her if she needs it in ways that are not colluding with her DH and his abuse.

yumyumpoppycat · 25/11/2018 16:01

yanbu.

SassitudeandSparkle · 25/11/2018 16:01

I wouldn't even meet her face to face about this. Email her back saying no, incredibly rude to ask, don't mention again - possibly more tactfully if you do want to keep in contact with her.

TheMagician · 25/11/2018 16:03

Yanbu

mrscampbellblackreturns · 25/11/2018 16:03

Agree that I would email back saying no again and also saying how hurt you were by her calling you selfish.

I would make it clear the subject was closed and only if she accepted that would you meet this week.

SilentIsla · 25/11/2018 16:04

I agree I would avoid a face to face meeting. Text or email.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2018 16:04

If your "friend" mentions this again I would tell her very clearly the answer is NO and this line of conversation is over. If she won't stop, ditch her. She's no friend of yours.

Hopoindown31 · 25/11/2018 16:06

Some people really are olympic level CFs. I was expecting this thread to be about your own grandchildren not someone else's!

At the heart of this is a horrible man who won't pay for his own kids. You owe him nothing and certainly not your retirement time.

bringbackthestripes · 25/11/2018 16:06

YADNBU.
GD should have thought about the practicalities of childcare before having a child if it was such a problem. (The situation with her DH is not right but that’s a whole other issue)Tell your friend to give up work and look after her own GC if she doesn’t want her own DD to suffer financially.
Unbelievable that she thinks it’s down to you to do childcare Confused

CloserIAm2Fine · 25/11/2018 16:07

YANBU

GD’s situation sounds miserable but that doesn’t make it your responsibility.

You’re under no obligation to look after any children that aren’t your own. Some people enjoy caring for grandkids or similar, others don’t want to be tied down. It’s entirely your choice.

SamanthaJayne4 · 25/11/2018 16:07

You are definitely not being selfish OP. I am 65 and could not look after a baby nor would I want to! Enjoy your retirement, you've earned it.