Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

she had a lifestyle that others envied and she wasn’t giving it up. Erm, no! I don't think anyone envies what she has if all she has is a husband who sees her as a possession that he gets to dress up now and then, but not really do much else. The fact that he refuses to pay for childcare for his child tells us all we need to know about how selfish he is!! She is deluded if she thinks anyone envies that!

Also, she is as much a CF as her dh. Think about it.

her mum asks - you say no
her mum asks again - you say no
her mum emails you calling you selfish

GD asks - you say no
She asks to meet - you agree, but say you won't be swayed
GD asks again - you say no
her mum asks - you say no

Sorry, but what part of no don't they understand? You are expected to provide free childcare for a woman who wants to stay where she is because she thinks she is in an envious position. How long have they been plotting this for?? Convenient, isn't it?

What a nerve!

The god daughter sounds like she may have narcissistic traits?

This CFuckery is unbelievable.

I applaude you OP. I terrible firvtrying yo please people and say no, but you've just done a masterclass.

I hope your GD and friend feel slightly ashamed of themselves (I doubt it though).

What a great DH you have. You so deserve this holiday.

YANBU, what a horrible position they have put you in- but good for you in staying strong and standing your ground.

If she's so worried maybe she can look after her daughters child? What a cheeky fucker!!!

Well one for standing your ground OP. You were definitely not being unreasonable!

Perhaps next time GD will ASK the person she wants to do childcare before getting pregnant rather than trying to back you into a corner using guilt. If you can’t afford childcare don’t get pregnant IMO!

As horrible as it is this might be the wake up call she needs to leave him he is horribly financially abusive and it’s awful she can’t see that but if no one is helping her then she will he just as well off with out him as she is with him! You have tried to help her out of this situation which sucks. Do you know if she has sat down with him and argued the case I mean from his rules alone of 50/50 then he should be paying half of the child care! If she leaves him he will also be required to pay maintenance for the baby! Does he do other things for the baby? Like change nappy’s and midnight feeds? If not she’s basically already a single parent with the added stress of a husband who does nothing. If she’s not willing to leave him she needs to demand more money from him and tell him to step up and support his family! She shouldn’t be expecting you or anyone else to pick up his slack! You’ve earned this retirement and you shouldn’t feel guilty at all for doing what you want!

I cannot believe what I’m reading!
Please, please, please don’t do it. This is emotional blackmail and pressure at its finest.
I’ve have 2 young kids, work part time, juggle and struggle and wouldn’t dream of expecting my Mum’s friend/Godmother or ANYONE to have my kids free of charge ever!!!!!!!
Please update us on what happens next.
Enjoy your deserved retirement. Xxxx

I am glad you stuck to your guns. Hope you and your dh have a lovely holiday and wonderful retirement. I agree that you need to pull back from this friendship. They are going to try to manipulate you into childcare and that is exhausting.

This is a long thread and yet utterly unanimous - a first?! What they are asking of you is not just unreasonable its actually socially unacceptable. Are they not normal? I have never heard anything like it. Sadly they both sound like utter weirdos I would give them a wide berth.

You would never make a good friend so uncomfortable.
What they have done to you is shocking.
It would have been enough for GD to bring it up to test the water.
But once you said no that should have been the end of the matter.
I am disgusted at the way they have treated you OP and would be re-evaluating the 'friendship'.

Enjoy your rest, you have earned it.

They are asking you to give up your retirement to look after a child that isn't even related to you, free of charge? Then, when you explain why this won't work for you, they just keep pushing and wheedling?

If your GD was desperate because going back to work meant she could put food on the table and a roof over her child's head I would be sympathetic. But this seems to be about her wanting to continue to impress her friends with her 'lifestyle'. She doesn't even mind blatantly saying this to you. Even if her husband is a controlling know (and he certainly sounds like one) I don't think your GD is coming out of this looking well either. She sounds incredibly thoughtless and self absorbed. And her mother certainly shouldn't be aiding and abetting this nonsense.

Woke up to text from friend saying again that she was sorry and hoped our friendship wasn’t ruined ! I haven’t replied. To be honest , she is normally lovely and we have supported each other over the years so I am going to put this down to the situation with her DD. Having said that I need time away from her and her DD.
As far as I know , Baby wasn’t planned but wanted . The DH is hands off but he is a product of his upbringing as he and his siblings seemed to have been raised by Granny and a string of au pairs .
GD didn’t want to go back to work but he insisted that she had to as he wasn’t paying for her to “ sit around all day” . I think she needs to keep working to protect herself and pension.
I inderstand that on 3 days baby will be dropped off at childminder ( if she gets one at such short notice !) at 7.30 and GD will work 8-6. My friend will collect baby from CM at 5 and look after till GD finishes. No input from her DH.

I have just read your update I feel a bit sorry for your Gd and her baby she has sacrificed her true happiness for money and status she is prepared to put up with an abusive marraige so her circle will envy her what a terrible way to live. Good for you for firmly saying no your friend must know her child is miserable and is desperate but she has made her luxurious bed

I'm amazed that your GD is prepared to work 4 long days (5 days compressed into 4) and cripple herself financially, all to maintain this "lavish lifestyle that other people envy". I hope she enjoys that lifestyle, because it's going to cause her to either burn out or become very resentful of her DH.

Op I really hope you don't loose your friend.

GD I hope she will wake up to him. Her MIL must have worked if he was raised by GPs and au-pairs, however its not the working thats her issue its his spliting bills but not childcare. Maybe New Year will wake her up. When shes stressed and hes laid back - poor baby!

"GD didn’t want to go back to work but he insisted that she had to as he wasn’t paying for her to “ sit around all day”"

Good God. Is her lifestyle so important to her that she is prepared to put up with this crap from an arrogant man who obviously thinks of no one but himself? That's sad. But equally sad is that she seems so entrenched in this that she genuinely believes that other people should bend over backwards to facilitate her and her obnoxious husband. She seems to be losing touch with reality a bit. I don't blame your friend for being worried, but she still behaved very badly towards you.

This man seems to have affected the behaviour and common sense of everyone around him.

I’ve followed this whole thread but not posted yet...

OP, if you’ve been friends for 40+ years then you should be able to tell your friend that your feelings were extremely hurt and that the friendship isn’t ruined but you may need some time/space. Just to the point and honest.

The DH is hands off but he is a product of his upbringing as he and his siblings seemed to have been raised by Granny and a string of au pairs

I wonder who paid the au pairs

she is normally lovely and we have supported each other over the years so I am going to put this down to the situation with her DD. Having said that I need time away from her and her DD

That sounds utterly reasonable on both counts; as with everything else I think you've made the right decision

About GD's DH though ... you've suggested he's a tosser and since you've clearly got excellent judgement that's what he probably is. I do wonder, though, how much GD's selfish expectation of a certain "lifestyle" has to do with his attitude, and whether - as PPs have said - there's a lot you've not been told

I guess we all self edit to an extent and it occurs to me there might be more to this than there seems. That said, it's their issue to sort out and hopefully they just might hesitate before trying again to put it on you instead

Oh, and I hope you've not got a hangover!!

I'd take your time taking a breather from her. The bottom line is that no matter what, she and her DD went behind your back to assume you would provide free childcare to enable her lifestyle, they then refused to take 'no' for an answer, then called you selfish, then called you out face-to-face to continue to not take 'no' for an answer and continued to try to guilt and pressure you into providing childcare.

Sure, she might be 'lovely' but fuck me, this is a really shitty thing to do. Especially just not accepting NO for an answer.

If she continues to text I don't think it's out of line to text back. 'I hear you, but I need some space just now to process things. Hope you understand. x'

OP, if you’ve been friends for 40+ years then you should be able to tell your friend that your feelings were extremely hurt and that the friendship isn’t ruined but you may need some time/space. Just to the point and honest

Exactly.

She asked to do this repeatedly despite you saying no repeatedly. She has not been acting like a good friend.

OP I haven't posted, like others I assumed from the title that it was childcare for one of your children. I was shocked when read it was for your friend's daughter and they were trying to bully you into doing it. Well done for not backing down. The daughter suppodly having an enviable lifestyle- not for me it isn't. I've been lucky my DH has always been very supportive and hands on with OUR children. I work over 12 hour shifts, he has always had them when I've been working. I'd rather have less money than live with someone like her a**hole husband. Your friend should never have involved you in this. Don't give in!

This type of
Financial and psychological abuse eventually gets transferred to the kids. Growing up we had to hid things like the pairs of jeans my mom bought in secret because we had completely outgrown the last pair. Same with shoes and coats. Since he cares about appearances, they might not have the same clothing issue, but refusing to pay his share of childcare is just the start. This isn’t a short-term problem. It is going to play out again over and over and eventually the child is going to be aware of the treatment and feel the full sting of the abuse.