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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 27/11/2018 15:41

Den1se
This should be on gransnet

What an insightful and helpful contribution Hmm

When you do respond, OP, I hope you tell your friend exactly how this whole thing has made you feel. I guess only time will tell if the friendship can ever be the same in the future.

Lizzie48 · 27/11/2018 16:01

@Purpleartichoke

I'm sorry you had to cope with that as a child. My F was financially abusive as well, but it was more in a controlling sort of way. He could be generous with presents, but then he used to threaten to take them back, because they were actually his as he'd paid for them. Same with our bedrooms, they were his not ours; I guess that helped him justify the total lack of privacy we had growing up. (There was SA as well in his case.)

He was the same with my DM. He used to agree to things and then go back on his word, denying he'd ever agreed to it. In the end she made him sign statements agreeing so there could be no arguments.

I always put it down to his illness (he had Parkinson's Disease), but he was always difficult in that way. He was gaslighting her rather than forgetting, I now think. I think now one thing doesn't preclude the other. He was an abusive man that happened to have Parkinson's.

You're right, people like that don't change, if anything they get worse as they get older. And the problem is then that you don't realise it's happening, or if it is, it's because of their illness, or another excuse.

Ladymacmuff · 27/11/2018 17:30

Well done for sticking to your guns under pressure. It's enormously unfair, and there's no way you should be expected to work for free to protect someone's lifestyle at the expense of your own! Hope you will be taking a long break from them! Oh, and enjoy your hols with DH!!

delboysskinandblister · 27/11/2018 19:20

keep friend or don't keep friend either way don't reply for the sake of your dignity.

Friend needs a lesson in how to win friends and influence people and that you are not instantly available be it for child care or on the end of a text.

keep the friendship if you want but keep your dignity and distance for now or the message she will be getting is that nothing has changed.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/11/2018 19:43

The good thing about her going back to work (besides financial independence) is that she will hopefully be among women and men who, at least on the surface, seem the same as her and DH ie full time working parents with dc.

She won't be able to help but notice that other couples share pick ups and drop offs, she'll hear or take part in those chats about spending choices that couples are jointly planning such as holidays and house improvements and she'll gradually realise that her situation isn't the norm. It will take time but hopefully, eventually, she'll start to question things herself.

RoboticSealpup · 27/11/2018 20:07

How rich is this guy really, though, if he thinks childcare is too big an expense and insists on getting money for bills of his wife? Sounds like someone who just wants to keep up appearances. Maybe he's in debt, who knows.

RoboticSealpup · 27/11/2018 20:11

I'm not saying that this is any kind of excuse for his horrible behaviour, by the way!

comingintomyown · 27/11/2018 20:44

Extraordinary stuff only the consistency and quality of your posts makes this believable because the subject matter is absolute nonsense. A financially solvent couple want free childcare from a non family member ? They put out feelers get a no and persist nevertheless?
The world is mad 😠

HelenaDove · 27/11/2018 20:51

Or hes just plain sexist and misogynistic @RoboticSealpup and sees childcare as the womans job to both provide and pay for and not his problem as Mr Swinging Dick

deedeegee · 27/11/2018 20:55

Agreed! I cannot believe the insufferable cheek of the so called friend in demanding childcare- wtf?

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/11/2018 21:11

Maybe he's in debt, who knows

Most If them are

Plumbuddle · 27/11/2018 21:58

This man is really sinister. GD has incredibly low self esteem to accept his assertion about paying her to sit around. Whilst at the same time she and her mother are so self centred in thinking they can have a claim on op's labour.

I can't believe this came out of nowhere. It must have been apparent that they all had these weird dysfunctions in other aspects of their lives.

Fast forwarding a moment, I think there will come a time, quite soon, when this child will be in quite some need of rescue - emotionally at least.

OP i really would suggest you distance yourself from the lot of them well before that point otherwise your big heart is going to lead you to you step in just to shield the child from this massive emotional neglect or even abuse that we can all see coming round the corner from his parents.

There is a lot of codependency here and you should extract yourself from it 100% now whilst you have no relationship with the baby, before you get sucked back in.

Gbtch · 27/11/2018 23:21

This hard earned retirement is for you and hubby to have some “our time” together. Enjoy every minute of it together. Don’t hesitate. Get those travel and other dreams tucked under your pillows.

CoraPirbright · 28/11/2018 08:50

The DH is hands off but he is a product of his upbringing as he and his siblings seemed to have been raised by Granny and a string of au pairs

I wonder who paid the au pairs hmm

The husband is clearly an abusive arsehole and I am surprised at his thinking. I would assume that he would like the image of paying for his little wife to be a lady of leisure! Envy < vom face, not envy.

Anyway, what is the GD’s relationship with her PIL’s like? Could she not tell them all about this and get them to bring some pressure on their darling son to treat his wife a bit better (and actually pay for his fucking child). Was his mother a career woman (hence his insistence on your god daughter working) or were they in the older mode of nannies bringing up the children?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/11/2018 09:18

I think your friend knows in her heart that she was wrong to ask, it is a huge ask, even for a grandparent, to give up all their retirement to look after young children. Especially one that you are not related to in anyway, it is both rude and cheeky and she knows that, but probably felt desparate due to her dd situation. Just text her: Yes it has put a dampner on things, and it was a very big ask and expectation,you both put me in a very difficult position, I need time out from this.

OffToBedhampton · 28/11/2018 09:36

Everyone is speculating about GodD's DH but OP said clearly she does want to provide further details about him or his situation as it'd be outing.
It also isn't OP's problem.

She has already expressed her concerns to GodD who has said she doesn't want to change anything with DH. OP doesn't want to have further childcare discussions with GodD or Friend (GDMum) as it isn't her issue AND they try to involve her and pressure her to help.

So none of this side-shoot on thread is useful to OP or needed. It'd only be useful if GodD was / on MN / asking for help to deal with her DH (which she isn't & has already rejected help for).

What OP needed to hear -and did from PPs-, was that SWNBU and she needed MNers support to stay strong in turning down GodD & Friend (GodDMum)'s pressure that she provided free regular childcare to GodD's baby instead her own retirement plans with DH.

OffToBedhampton · 28/11/2018 09:43

I dont think you have to reply to Friend's text OP. (I mean what more is there to say?) If you feel you have to reply, something like @areoflotgirl 's suggestion is well phrased

Yes it has put a dampner on things, and it was a very big ask and expectation, you both put me in a very difficult position, I need time out from this.

(Maybe end with "....and will see you around Xmas time as usual")

Babyblade · 28/11/2018 10:24

Well handled OP. I have high hopes that you and your friend will be able to move forward with your friendship.

One minor question that's bothering me - why does your GDHusband refuse to pay 50% for the childcare when he insists that everything else is split so precisely?

Even the excuse that he's old fashioned etc. doesn't hold water in this case - it's bonkers ... and abusive Angry

HelenaDove · 29/11/2018 00:56

"One minor question that's bothering me - why does your GDHusband refuse to pay 50% for the childcare when he insists that everything else is split so precisely?"

There were a hell of a lot of posters on this very site on the "who pays on dates" threads who couldnt or wilfully refused to see that just because a man is willing to split the cost of a date ,does not mean he is willing to split childcare or the cost of it. There are a hell of a lot of men out there who are willing to take the bits of feminism that suit their wallet but fuck everything else.

And some women so keen to show their equality credentials that they cant see whats staring them in the face.

AvoidingDM · 29/11/2018 01:13

I think the answer to that question simply is he is an abusive twat - your baby, your problem!

Ilady · 29/11/2018 02:49

I am glad that you stood your ground and are not taking on this free baby sitting job. The reality is that you worked hard to be able to retire early. I know a couple who had a few years of holiday's, days out ect after retirement. Next thing the lady got a life limiting health issue and in the space of a few years both her and her husbands life totally changed. She and him have a lot of photos and memories to look back on now.

From what you said you gd thinks she has a wonderful life that her friends envy but the reality is far different. Her mother is now taking a financial hit giving up a day a week's work to suit her daughter and her daughter s selfish husband.

My advice with your friend is to be a bit busy for a while. Tell her you will see her over Xmas. The next time you see her make sure to mention that you should arranged a holiday for you in Jan and your going to y. The reality is that even when your friend eventually reaches retirement age she will still be stuck minding a now baby who will then be a child at least one day a week.
Go off and travel, go on days out and enjoy your retirement because none of us know what can happen in the future.

Babyblade · 29/11/2018 08:20

AvoidingDM I agree (with bells on!) but I can't get around that it's THEIR baby - 50% his genes (100% his sperm), hence my confusion [hmmm] Angry

woollyheart · 29/11/2018 09:23

Agree that it is very strange about him not wanting to pay for childcare. Someone already mentioned that maybe he thinks (with or without good reason) that it is not his child.

That might be where the problem is for him...

puffyisgood · 29/11/2018 09:31

the responses on here so far pretty much cover it:

1 - if this'd been your grandchild you should maybe have offered to do a day a week or something, albeit with scope for you to miss the day if you have other plans.

2 - given tha this isn't family, pff, forget it.

SecondRow · 29/11/2018 09:52

I fear their next move will be to ask you for help paying for childcare, either as a loan or a gift. I know you've said you've been an involved godmother, is there any chance they'll now start angling for a few bob in GD's Christmas card? Especially as you're now retiring (a little) early and talking of travel? Be on guard...

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