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Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 27/11/2018 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/11/2018 08:46

Well done OP.
Have a fab holiday and enjoy your retirement!

OffToBedhampton · 27/11/2018 09:15

The friend is worried about her DD and having a misguided attempt at trying to help. But that doesn't make her a bad person.

But it does!! 'Friend' is pressurising her oldest friend to give up her retirement plans , the last years she has left with her husband to make wonderful memories whilst both are fit, and all the lovely things they've planned. She won't take No for an answer. Called OP selfish for not giving up her & DH's dreams. Fake apologised then ambushed OP again to try to get "just one day a week" free childcare (instead of 5 days a week!) even though she knows that still means neither OP nor DH could travel at all, which is what they want to do for their retirement. OP said No repeatedly. All this for 'Friend's' DD who "doesn't want to give up her lifestyle".

They are both proper nasty underneath. They shouldn't even be involving OP in any of these discussions- it's blatent guilt tripping. It would change how I viewed them as they don't care at all about OP, her closest friend/godmother, or OP's DH except how they think they can USE them .

OP, I hope you respond "I said No, I will not do childcare so don't ask me " and "I said No, I don't need to hear any of this" to any further discussions or emergency childcare requests.

Weenurse · 27/11/2018 09:16

Congratulations on your retirement

TheLittleDogLaughed · 27/11/2018 09:20

Definitely not the OP's problem. The only person the OP would be helping in this situation is the dh. Only he stands to benefit from this arrangement ultimately and he sounds like an arsehole.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 27/11/2018 09:34

Well done OP, well handled.

I was going to advise getting this thread deleted as it has newspaper fodder/ Daily Fail written all over it. Then I thought probably not as the ultimate villain is a rich man and the hero of the piece is a retired woman. I'm sure they'd love to villify your friend for her audacity. They'd probably agree with GD that it's better being in an abusive marriage with nice clothes than being a single mum.

blackteasplease · 27/11/2018 09:43

I know you've managed to say no now and have dealt with this but I just wanted to say I actually thing you have acted in her interests by saying no. Where there is an abusive man like this people putting sticking plasters over the cracks just enables the man. She needs to realise how unfair he is being In order to get it together to leave him.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 27/11/2018 09:46

Sorry haven't read all the thread, just the opening post. I feel so angry on your behalf OP, how dare these people put pressure on you in such an unreasonable way. I know how you feel, I'm your age have grandchildren, have looked after them on occasions, but not to the extent that you are being asked to do. We quite often have gd overnight, but she is 8 now so not too onerous. Babies are lovely, as indeed toddlers are, but they are much harder work out our age.

I will go back and read the whole thread, I'm absolutely sure you will have masses of support here, don't think for one moment you are being selfish, you certainly aren't.

Wishing you a happy and relaxing retirement Flowers

Sweetpea55 · 27/11/2018 09:49

Well done op.
It seems that the gd wasn't prepared to give up her luxury lifestyle but expected you to give up yours.

user1472482328 · 27/11/2018 09:52

Your “friend “ sent you an email saying you were selfish. How rude! What sort of friendship is that? She could have least spoken to you about it, again, or even accepted that you don’t want the responsibility of looking after a baby.
Don’t feel pressured into providing childcare for your God daughter’s child. Is she not entitled to some sort of child care provision from the government? Why does she think that because you are retiring you would want to take on looking after a 5 month old , as you say you’ve taken on duties looking after your own DGS and as he’s getting older your not wanted so much thus leaving more time for yourself. More time to do the things you want to do. Why can’t your friend provide support for her own Grand Child?
It seems to me your friend is being selfish for asking you in the first place. Why can’t she help her own daughter out ?

Say, if you wasn’t retiring what would your friends daughter do then, as you wouldn’t be able to do the childcare .

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/11/2018 09:53

Basically the husband expects free childcare and has passed the burden onto his wife because he doesn’t want to give up his lifestyle to pay for it.

His wife expects free childcare and wants to pass the burden on anyone else because she doesn’t want to pay for it and give up her lifestyle.

Her mother called the op selfish because she wouldn’t give free childcare so her dd can keep her lifestyle. (Deep down she has probably bought into the lifestyle her dd has and wants her to keep it).

Not one of them has sat down and thought about the lifestyle and if they actually can afford it.

After all if image is what the dh craves who will pay for the prep school and then the private boarding school that will surely follow as the dgd will be working her arse off to keep up with the image.

Then when the child is at these posh schools there will be the skiing trips and the yachting trips to pay for.

Where will it end.

Over the years I have known many people like the dgd and her dh. They appear to have it all.
They have a lifestyle of a multi millionaire rock star and the income of a salaried Chartered Accountant.

Dig a bit deeper and you will find they can’t pay a bill here or a bill there and eventually it all unravels.

People in general are not as unique as people think.

They follow certain pathways in life and there are certain conclusions or events that befall them.

Sometimes it is like watching an accident in slow motion. You can see where it is going to end but nothing you can do will stop it.

Lizzie48 · 27/11/2018 09:57

The friend is worried about her DD and having a misguided attempt at trying to help. But that doesn't make her a bad person.

I do kind of agree here. Presumably, as they have been friends for many years, she has got some redeeming qualities. There might be some back story about how she was always a CF, but the OP hasn't said as much.

Basically, we're all capable of acting selfishly at times and that's why I wouldn't say the OP should cut her friend off completely. She should stick to her guns about the childcare request, and then see how the friendship goes on from there. Maybe back off if she continues to guilt trip you about her daughter's marriage.

The daughter, however, does sound like a completely selfish mare who has emotionally blackmailed her mum into reducing her own working hours. It's hard to feel much sympathy for her having a controlling DH, as she sounds like she's choosing to stay with him because she enjoys being the envy of her equally shallow friends.

Holidayshopping · 27/11/2018 09:58

So, she is not prepared to give up her luxury lifestyle but expected you to give up yours.

I would love to know what she would say in response to this because that’s the crux of the matter!

Holidayshopping · 27/11/2018 10:02

The friend is worried about her DD and having a misguided attempt at trying to help. But that doesn't make her a bad person.

I would forgive her asking once.

But to then call the OP selfish, ask her to do it again and then having been told a categoric ‘no’ to invite her out to coffee WITH her daughter in tow to ask again, having been told that OP’s mind was made up and not to ask again, is actually just really shitty.

I actually hope this ends up in the Daily Fail and I hope these people read it.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 27/11/2018 10:09

Claiming child benefit for DH to pay back isn't going to help DGD, I shouldn't think. The reason for doing that would be to claim NI credits you wouldn't otherwise get. But if she is working full time she will be earning enough to pay them herself anyway.

Audrey9 · 27/11/2018 10:12

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Oliversmumsarmy · 27/11/2018 10:22

Audrey9 are you the same poster who was trying to sell stuff the other day?

Fuck off

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/11/2018 10:37

If your GD won't do anything to change her own situation, then it's certainly not your responsibility to give up your dreams to facilitate this shit show. She could leave him, get child support, sell the house and split the money, but she won't.

I suspect your friendship is done for though because both of these women would see you sacrifice your retirement. They don't care about you at all.

ralfeesmum · 27/11/2018 10:50

Your "friend" is a user and therefore an abuser.
And I suspect she only cultivates a friendship if she thinks she can freeload somehow.

And......she's already ruined any friendship by putting upon you and then accusing you of being selfish. Yeah, that's one bitch who's shown her true colours.

Cut.Her.Off.

WatchThisThread · 27/11/2018 11:05

Well done OP, you have done exactly the right thing. If you had agreed to help out then you would have enabled her DH's abuse. It's tough to see DGD in this position but if you enable the situation she will stay in it for longer. The sooner she realises how abnormal and abusive her DH is then the sooner she can make the right decision for her and her DC.

Jefferis3 · 27/11/2018 11:06

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puzzledlady · 27/11/2018 11:07

Sorry - if your gd wants the lifestyle and is choosing that over help for her own child - too bad for her. What an absolute fool she is. And more fool your own friend for even thinking to ask.

You go and enjoy your retirement OP.

differentnameforthis · 27/11/2018 11:15

You are not being unreasonable. What a friend to put you in that position!

Continue to refuse. if your friend doesn't listen, she isn't a very good friend.

DragonFire99 · 27/11/2018 11:20

she isn’t prepared to rock the boat ( her words). I asked what she meant and she just said that she had a lifestyle that others envied and she wasn’t giving it up.

Then she is a shallow fool. Nobody would envy her lifestyle if shey knew the truth behind it.

Unbelievable that she and her mum could be such CFs. You did the right thing.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/11/2018 11:37

Well done, Oldbut - you did well to withstand that onslaught, but you should never have had to.
I'm disgusted with your GD's attitude, tbh. She doesn't want to rock the boat, doesn't want to lose her luxury lifestyle, but is happy to fuck up your life/retirement to facilitate her abusive marriage continuing.

I get that she doesn't want to know that she's in an abusive marriage - who does? - but her reasoning sucks. So either there's something else behind it (maybe he's threatened her, she's worried about custody of the child etc.) or she really is that mercenary and shallow.

Either way, it is Not Your Problem. I feel for your friend (her mother) because she can't do anything about her DD's choice either - but I also feel you should step back from them for now.