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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 26/11/2018 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nothininmenoggin · 26/11/2018 23:54

I'm so angry on your behalf how dare your "friend" make you feel bad about this. As you say you have worked all your life and deserve a happy retirement. Having a baby for 5 days a week would be hard going. Your poor husband would be gutted if you started doing this as he is looking forward to travelling with you now. YADNBU far from it. Your friend on the other hand is just unbelievably rude.

Canaryyellow1 · 27/11/2018 00:01

Ditch that friend! Childcare is a serious undertaking. She’s very domineering to email you. I’d not want her in my life anymore. She should apologize.

Shinesweetfreedom · 27/11/2018 00:19

Absolutely incredible.
I would definitely be cutting these two out my life or your husband is going to have the added stress of never knowing when a baby is going to be dumped on you.
I get the feeling this has really opened your eyes to your GD attitude and you may be reflecting how she has behaved in the past.

Butternutsquashy · 27/11/2018 00:22

Wow I was all ready to say yabu thinking it would be a thread about an evening once a month babysitting a grandchild or something..but this YADNU absolutely unbelievable the nerve of some people..

AvoidingDM · 27/11/2018 00:59

While I think it was massive ask I'm amazed at how many people are tell the Op to cut the friend.
40 years of friendship shouldn't be thrown away lightly. The friend is worried about her DD and having a misguided attempt at trying to help. But that doesn't make her a bad person.

Sweetpea55 · 27/11/2018 01:04

Why doesn't the friend take on the child care, And who in their right mind would expect you to do it for free for 5 days a week, C.F. springs to mind

brookshelley · 27/11/2018 01:08

While I think it was massive ask I'm amazed at how many people are tell the Op to cut the friend.
40 years of friendship shouldn't be thrown away lightly.

I wouldn't cut her completely but if this happened to me I would step back from the friendship for a short period. The issue isn't the massive ask but the accusations of selfishness and the assumption that because OP is retired she's somehow obliged to help the goddaughter.

The friend needs a reality check and she can get it by realizing her actions have consequences.

KC225 · 27/11/2018 01:11

How nice of your DH to surprise you with a holiday in the sun.

Shocked that your GD still felt the need to push it. Cringe. She should be having that conversation with her husband, not you. I am glad you got the opportunity to the GD that your thought her DH was financially abusive. It may have fell on deaf ears now, but the seeds have been down and maybe she needs to struggle with this issue to see the real state of her relationship.

Omunye · 27/11/2018 02:45

I feel like the goddaughter isn't telling the whole truth about her relationship I think she's holding something back which would make sense of all this if you knew it
I dunno maybe she made some sort of deal with her husband that she's not letting on about?

This was my thought too. I bet the husband was completely against having a child and made it clear that he would expect her to provide for it financially. Or maybe the baby was an 'accident'. The DGD assumed he'd come around once the baby was here and support it. This obviously hasn't happened and she's panicking. The little the OP has posted on here paints her as an extremely shallow gold digger. From his suggestion that she should 'get a better paid job' It sounds like he's got the measure of her. His behaviour is dispicable and financially abusive though. He should have taken the right precautions if he was sure he didn't want a child and needs to provide for it now that it's here.

TheMaddHugger · 27/11/2018 02:53

"I bet the husband was completely against having a child and made it clear that he would expect her to provide for it financially. Or maybe the baby was an 'accident'. "

....................... Or it's Not 'His" kid Hmmmm

Jux · 27/11/2018 03:20

Well done you! A difficult thing to do, but you did it 👏

Enjoy your relaxed cHristmas and your even more relaxed January holiday! What a lovely dh.

nailak · 27/11/2018 03:22

It seems to me that part of the abuse is to convince her of this fantastic lifestyle she has.
Someone needs to tell him that just like she pays half of the bills, he needs to pay half of the childs expenses. If she's not going to do that there needs to be someone else that can quietly say it. Such as another relative, a friend he looks up to or whatever.
If shes convinced she has a lifestyle others envy then she needs to understand she cannot expect anyone else to have a less desirable lifestyle so she can keep her own. This needs to be pointed out to her, that she is not prepared on changing her own lifestyle but thinks its ok to expect others, including her mum, to change theirs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/11/2018 04:08

Omunye
It looks like the man has “got the measure of her”. Fucking hell Omuyne had you not qualified that and the gold digger statement you could be him!

Plenty of women are attracted to charismatic, rich, narcissitic men. She sounds confused about how she should be treated and thinks she should be subservient to him because he has money. If she’s paying for half the bills and half the things they do together including holidays, which will be in 5* accommodation and expensive meals out etc, she’s not on minimum fucking wage. Confused

brookshelley · 27/11/2018 04:18

I feel like the goddaughter isn't telling the whole truth about her relationship I think she's holding something back which would make sense of all this if you knew it.

I'm wondering the same thing. What would happen if she stopped paying 50% of the bills? Why doesn't she just say I can't afford it DH.

The DH sounds awful but maybe there is another issue. For example:

  • her DH thinks she earns more than she does
  • she has a spending problem or debt that he doesn't know about
  • she told him that childcare would be free before actually confirming that with OP, her mother, etc

Also when she says she'd have less than 20 pounds a month, that's after she's contributed to half of the bills so her housing, food, transport etc is covered I assume? Are the essentials paid for out of this shared pool of bills?

TheLittleDogLaughed · 27/11/2018 06:30

The GD should just refuse to go back to work, OP says they are well off so she could look after the baby in their luxury home and let him pay all the bills. Presumably the dh doesn’t want their relationship to end?

becauseIcare · 27/11/2018 07:11

I saw this thread and felt compelled to add my first message !!!! No it is not you are not responsible to offer your time. Why is your friend not doing the childcare ???
Enjoy your retirement and hope your selfish friend comes round

Earthakitty · 27/11/2018 07:44

Those people on here getting into the insurance and outs of her Goddaughter's possibly abusive relationship are completely missing the point.
That is nothing to do with OP. That is another matter entirely.
The fundamental issue here is that OP has been " tasked " with something she does not want to do and being used.
It is morally outrageous.
This is not friendship.
This is abuse.

Earthakitty · 27/11/2018 07:45

Sorry....typo... Should read " ins and outs ".

AvoidingDM · 27/11/2018 07:51

Because- read the thread!!!

Little Dog - the last thing GD should do is become a SAHM. She needs to retain some independence and the ability to earn (so she can walk away).

Actually maybe what she should be doing is calculating if she'd be better off moving in with her mum and splitting the bills.

Holidayshopping · 27/11/2018 07:52

Some Qs.

Did he want the baby?

Presumably she hasn’t been paying half the bills during maternity leave?

Is she returning to the job she had before maternity? Is it a decent wage and why does he think it’s suddenly not if it’s the same job she had before?

Surfskatefamily · 27/11/2018 07:56

Thats very cheeky of her. Stick to your guns .
Soubds like the issue is your god daughters husband. I take it the baby is his, so i suggest he pays childcare. Your friend needs to pressure this with him not try and get you signed up as free childcare

Devora13 · 27/11/2018 08:28

I've read a lot of the thread but not all, as it's a bit of a long one.
Firstly, it sounds as though your friend's behaviour is out of desperation, borne of her daughter's dire situation. If you were to abandon your plans (no way should you!) you would not help her daughter solve her problems, and it actually sounds as though your friend has had similar issues which may make her feel guilty that she can't do more. She needs to get help with that, not project her anger onto you.
It may be she feels she has done a lot to support you over the years-as would be the norm with a good friendship-but these things are, or should be, done for love, not in expectation of payback.
I had a very short lived marriage with a man who sounds as though he had similar financial beliefs to your goddaughter's husband. He would buy a nice bottle of wine for us to share then ask me for my £2.50 share, and the day before our wedding he asked me to chose a tapestry on a 2 for 1 offer so he could get his mother one, then asked me for the money. Many other examples which make me wonder looking back how I ever put up with it. I am only thankful we never had children together.
Enjoy your retirement, believe me your travels will give you ample opportunity to make new friends who will keep you young due to a shared sense of adventure!

dontalltalkatonce · 27/11/2018 08:35

Jesus wept! Why are these people speculating about the GD's marriage and job and baby? The OP has already stated she doesn't want to put too much info out there about her finances, it's not her circus or her monkeys, she's already said NO, the gal won't leave and the OP has moved on and is going on holiday.

The end!

TheLittleDogLaughed · 27/11/2018 08:38

avoidingDM I don’t mean be a SAHM forever but just until this situation is resolved In a way that suits her better. I think the OP said the dh ‘insists’ she goes back to work but won’t support her to do so. Refusing to do what he says may give her bargaining power although why the hell she should be doing any of it is an abdolute mystery.

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