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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 26/11/2018 21:42

the most valuable thing you can give to someone is your time because you can never get it back.

retire from this toxic friendship of 'give' and 'take'
they have given you nothing except stress.
Yet they have seriously taken the piss - they will not change.

they envy your freedom (and clearly very happy marriage - lovely thoughtful hubby btw) and are parasites. Disengage. don't complain or explain - this is just you not rocking your boat because you have an enviable lifestyle of retirement.

delboysskinandblister · 26/11/2018 21:46

p.s fourth glass of Wine on me

Wordthe · 26/11/2018 21:47

I feel like the goddaughter isn't telling the whole truth about her relationship I think she's holding something back which would make sense of all this if you knew it
I dunno maybe she made some sort of deal with her husband that she's not letting on about?

llangennith · 26/11/2018 21:47

I choose to look after DGS but I certainly wouldn't choose to do childcare for anyone else.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/11/2018 21:51

Am now on my third glass of wine and- finally - starting to relax

Wish I could buy you one Wink

Unfinishedkitchen · 26/11/2018 21:55

Well done for not giving in. If you’d agreed to even one day, she would relax, start working on a sibling ‘oh well you’ve already got one so it will make no difference if you have them both’ and you’d be guilted in to upping your days.

I don’t understand people who deliberately have kids they can’t look after without family or friends having to provide regular help. You and your partner should always expect to do everything yourselves or pay. Free childcare from family and friends should always be seen as a lovely bonus, not something you are entitled to. My good friend has been sucked into babysitting twice a week inc many weekends because her DB and his DW have laid on the sob story hard. She now feels trapped in the arrangement through big sis guilt.

BMW6 · 26/11/2018 21:59

meant to say OP that I think they have behaved so badly I would have nothing more to do with any of them, frankly, and i'd tell them so.

Otherwise I think they will not let this drop.They will ask you for emergency childcare, repeatedly.

It strikes me that your god-daughter is enabling her husband, and your friend is enabling her daughter.

I truly can't see that they'll respect you enough to not try and suck you into it. They have shown zero respect of your (and your DH's) wishes and plans so far.

I am astounded that you are not apoplectic with the 3 of them!

whitecatsandblackcats · 26/11/2018 22:03

Well done for saying no! I haven't read everyone's comments, only the ones from you OP so I could follow what's happened.

My own parents or ILs didn't give me any help with childcare (I would have loved some support just occasionally to give me a break) - but I certainly didn't expect any from any of their friends!

Interesting that your GD says she has a lifestyle that other people envy - she's incorrect - nobody would envy her position at all.

Chucky16 · 26/11/2018 22:06

My daughter is pregnant and while I am happy for her, there is a part of me that silently said oh no. I am in my early 50’s and only retired through ill health. I have a very small boxroom which I was looking forward to turning into “my space” but now it’s to be turned into a playroom as I will looking after my grandson when my daughter goes back to work when baby is 3 months old as that is all the time she can afford to be off.
I am not looking forward to —dreading— this and it’s is my own flesh and blood so OP YANBU.

EmeraldVillage · 26/11/2018 22:13

Well I think you can safely say that Gd has shown her true colours. Prior to the coffee you had made clear you weren’t going to do it nor did you want to discuss it further. Yet she still attempted to manipulate you into it. You know now that she has made a conscious choice that the cons (abusive behaviour) is outweighed by the pros (nice lifestyle or at least the bits her DH wants her to have. And she is willing to throw her mother, you and any other sap she can find under the bus to keep her luxury and status.

She isn’t the first person to make major compromises for lifestyle and expect others to sacrifice for them. And she won’t be the last.

Renster · 26/11/2018 22:23

If that’s GDs attitude, I feel sorry for the kids. What kind of example is she setting them?
Well done for staying firm. You’ve bloody earned your retirement-damn well enjoy it.

Aria999 · 26/11/2018 22:23

Well deserved Wine OP, GD sounds like an unbelievable brat. Can’t get over her thinking you should work for free so her wealthy but f*cked up DH doesn’t have to contribute £ to his own child’s care Shock. Maybe you could be a bit slow answering their messages for a while - I think you need a break from these people. Enjoy your holiday!

Zara87 · 26/11/2018 22:28

I haven't RTFT but am here to just say Yadnbu.
I am on mat leave with my 2nd baby and return to work in March. Will have 2 dcs in nursery 4 days a week. Will be absolutely crippled but it's our choice!
My DM doesn't work yet I would never put that on her even 1 day a week. You are not even this kids grandparents it's awful that they've asked that of you!
Your friend is definitely in the wrong.

Chocrock · 26/11/2018 22:37

Your friend is being unbelievably unreasonable. Please stick to your guns in this and enjoy your well earned retirement.

chris8888 · 26/11/2018 22:42

Im 64 and would not want to be looking after a five month for anyone. It is not your problem so dont take it onboard, enjoy your well earned retirement with your DH.
If your friend resents that then I would be saying goodbye to her.

Chocolate50 · 26/11/2018 22:43

YANBU - have a conversation with your GD directly about it, be kind and honest, your friend does not need to be in the middle, side step her & explain things directly, might help the situation

TheFatberg · 26/11/2018 22:46

RTFT or at least the OPs posts!

AnoukSpirit · 26/11/2018 22:58

Has she been brainwashed?

Yes. That is how abuse works.

And quite frankly, the professional advice is not to tell someone being abused to leave because it will push them further away from you and make them less likely to leave. Five minutes reading the Women's Aid website explains this.

You don't help an abused person to leave by commanding them to leave and pushing your viewpoint on them - just like their abuser - you do it by helping them to see the abuse for themselves, to understand it by themselves, and to reach their own conclusions and make their own decisions. Free of your coercion and free of their abuser's coercion.

This is why the Freedom Programme make it so clear they will never tell a woman to leave. It must be her choice, and she can only make that choice with information.

If she grew up witnessing financial abuse and having it normalised of course she won't see her husband's behaviour as abusive. I'd be more shocked if she did! Repeatedly telling her to leave him will just make her more determined to find ways to "make it work". It's the same trap everyone who is abused gets stuck in.

She's not going to see it as abuse. Of course she's going to defend somebody she loves and who she believes loves her.

Wouldn't you defend your husband if somebody said he was abusive when what you saw was a loving man who was kind and good natured but sometimes a bit tight?

Wouldn't you tell somebody no if they told you to leave your husband because they didn't like something he'd done that you thought was pretty average?

Come off it. It's a bit rich of people on this thread to expect somebody being abused to have a crystal clear understanding of the dynamics of abuse when they themselves are illustrating they don't understand it at all.

Oh, and of course, no abusive man has ever used pregnancy as a way to maintain control over a woman... and she just got herself pregnant all by herself. Hmm

BaaLamby · 26/11/2018 23:15

I’m gobsmacked, how dare she ask such a thing! I’m sorry but she’s NOT the friend you think she is. I’m retired and hubby is about to. We have worked, skimped and scraped all our lives for this moment. I have friends of 40 + years too but if they even had the cheek to ask that question it would change how I felt about them in an instant and the friendship would be doomed from that moment on!

Stand firm in your decision and don’t allow yourself to be bullied.

Den1se · 26/11/2018 23:15

This should be on gransnet

Lizzie48 · 26/11/2018 23:18

@AnoukSpirit

I agree with you. I haven't been in an abusive relationship myself, but I've watched my DSis coming to terms with the fact that her first DH had been abusive. In the days after her relationship had finished, she used to refuse to accept that he had been abusive, she would defend him against any criticism (despite having shared with us his physical and verbal abuse of her).

Now that she's away from it, she certainly does get it. Especially since marrying her current DH, who is lovely.

Obviously this doesn't justify your GD's sense of entitlement towards you, OP, or that of her mother (your friend) either. But your friend needs to stand firm and not enable this man's behaviour, even if her daughter doesn't appreciate it right now.

Limpetry · 26/11/2018 23:30

@Chucky, I don’t think you should feel forced into caring for your grandchild — the way you phrase it makes you sound as if you weren’t even consulted! Surely no one just assumes their parents will look after their babies?

Good post, @Anouk.

KnightlyMyMan · 26/11/2018 23:33

@wordthe

🤔 I totally thought that! It’s far too unreasonable (the DH not contributing to child care whilst also expecting 50% of bills) to have happened organically.

I would bet my bottom dollar that DH did not want a DC as was precious about his income/lifestyle and DGD made some sort of deal that she would shoulder the financial burden and it wouldn’t effect him ...etc.

Sounds insane but I know a guy (highly functioning and highly paid) who has autism and I would not be shocked if I heard he was doing this.

DH probably is a douche but let’s not forget DGD’s behaviour here us ludacris- perhaps we shouldn’t jump to conclusions about her being some sort of victim!

perfectstorm · 26/11/2018 23:39

Essentially, they were asking that this man be allowed to extend his financial abuse to another woman - so he has a free nanny, as well as a wife, subsidising his lifestyle.

She needs the Freedom Programme, as others have said. My heart does go out to her, but sadly I've known another woman in a similar role be horribly exploitative of women friends to try to make it all more or less hang together. Her husband has a hugely expensive and somewhat dangerous hobby, and frankly I do hope one day he breaks his neck. It will be no loss to anyone, and a boon to his children and wife.

Tessabelle1 · 26/11/2018 23:45

You are absolutely, most definitely NOT BU! Your friend should retire and help out or your god daughter should get divorced, her DH sounds like a right dick