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Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
Budgieinaberet · 26/11/2018 20:20

I'm loving the idea of postcards from all around the world. I'm sure any MNer would be delighted to post one from their holidays.

a1poshpaws · 26/11/2018 20:24

Exactly how WerewolfNumber1 put it would do nicely.

twoshedsjackson · 26/11/2018 20:25

So, you could say "happy ending" for you. How inspired of your lovely DH to have a holiday arranged for immediately after Christmas; lovely for both of you, and if a crisis is engineered - out of the country is completely unanswerable!
But I still feel sad for so many aspects. Someone you saw as a friend has tried to manipulate you in a way that means your long-standing friendship will never be quite the same again; you'll always have that nagging doubt that an ulterior motive is lurking. She is so enmeshed, she'll happily put you and your DH out for collateral damage. Your GD is in an awful position, however much she denies it to herself at the moment, and in the middle of this all, an innocent child.
But remember that, however much she tries to guilt-trip you, she can't change the law, you're not related, nor a registered childminder.
You have earned your retirement, and your DH has been waiting patiently for it as well. So many irrefutable arguments.
Just keep your head down for retirement day, and then have a wonderful Christmas before you head for the sun!

KatharinaRosalie · 26/11/2018 20:30

even one day - taking care of a baby is HARD WORK and a massive responsibility. She's treating it like she asked you to pass the salt.

Xenia · 26/11/2018 20:34

It is a totally unreasaonable request.

category12 · 26/11/2018 20:38

She says there is no way she would ever consider leaving so will just have to manage. My friend is dropping to 4 days and GD will work 5 days over 4 so childcare only needed for 3 days but she says even that will cripple her . I asked her if she could not insist that her DH shared the responsibility , either financially or through working patterns but she said he wouldn’t do it and she isn’t prepared to rock the boat ( her words). I asked what she meant and she just said that she had a lifestyle that others envied and she wasn’t giving it up.

Awful that she thinks it's OK for her mother to take the financial hit of dropping a day's work to prop up her "lifestyle" - nothing may inconvenience her dh Hmm. Good grief.

I'd talk to your friend about it tbh and discourage her from doing it.

Cornishclio · 26/11/2018 20:48

I have read this open mouthed at the audacity of your DF and her DD. How dare they presume you would be providing free childcare whether you were retired or working part time for a baby not related to you. CF indeed. Glad you stood your ground but I feel so sorry for your DH who had to preempt your coffee with revealing a surprise holiday he had planned to reveal on retirement day in case you were badgered into offering childcare. Back away from this friendship as they both seem to have shallow values. Your GD wants designer clothes and a fancy car/house but doesn't want to pay for her own child's daycare costs and her DH is even worse. Your DF was taken for a ride by a similar financial abuser and is now paying the price by having to work until spa.

DH and I retired at 58 after many years of saving for early retirement and we love it. We do provide one day a week childcare for our 2 DGDs aged 3 and 7 months but we are more than happy to do that and our DD and her husband have never expected it and it is only school hours anyway, certainly not from 7am. Put this to the back of your mind now and enjoy the run up to retirement. I was in your position a year ago having retired last Christmas and it is great.

LagunaBubbles · 26/11/2018 20:50

GD seriously needs to think about her situation, she's so vulnerable

She has seriously thought about it, and doesn't want to "rock the boat" because she likes her lifestyle.

ittakes2 · 26/11/2018 20:59

You get one life. She has no right to guilt you into not enjoying this time with your husband - it is her ruining the friendship not you. You only just told her about your retirement...what was she planning to do otherwise?

HelenaDove · 26/11/2018 20:59

OP Do they know where you live? i woudnt put it past one of them to bring the baby round unannounced one morning for emergency childcare.

E20mom · 26/11/2018 20:59

You did great WineSmile

Londonmamabychance · 26/11/2018 21:02

OMG, I went on to this thinking it may be about childcare for your own grandchildren and how much you should agree to that, but this is your God daughter! No way should you feel pressurised to offer more than you feel comfortable with yourself.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/11/2018 21:06

GD sounds like a spoiled entitled brat, that is also in a financially abusive relationship, tough one Hmm

DoJo · 26/11/2018 21:06

I don't know anyone who would envy the life of someone who has a load of bling and a partner who doesn't give a shit about them or their child. I also don't know a solitary parent who would want that kind of life for their child either, always scrabbling around for scraps for their father who chooses not to spend money on the things that would make their lives more enjoyable.

However, that's what she deems important, so could you not persuade her that if he is so loaded, surely splitting up with him could be profitable for her if she went through CMS and got him to pay maintenance? I know that it's optimistic thinking that he wouldn't do what he could to avoid it, but it might be worth considering.

DoJo · 26/11/2018 21:08

Also, will dropping this day at this point in her career impact your friends' pension? Something to consider as this move might have long-term ramifications depending on what line of work she's in.

NewPapaGuinea · 26/11/2018 21:11

How many hours will she be working each day if she’s condensing 5 days into 4? The poor child is going to have a knackered mother whilst they are passed to all and sundry who are doing the childcare cover.

AuntMarch · 26/11/2018 21:20

Have not read the full thread but have read all OPs posts... I actually cannot believe this thread!!
I wouldn't allow my own mother to give me full time childcare without paying something for it, let alone her friend!

I am so glad you have stood your ground OP. I hope they will leave it be now, if they keep on you need to tell them they are killing the friendship.

BMW6 · 26/11/2018 21:20

Well your god daughter will have her "enviable lifestyle" to comfort her while she beggars herself financially to pay childcare...... stupid bitch.

And before anyone jumps on me for being harsh about an "abused" woman - this princess wanted the OP to provide FREE childcare so she can maintain her "enviable lifestyle".......with a husband who is a total cunt, but her "enviable lifestyle" is sooooooo much more important than anything.

All fur coat and no knickers.

with any luck the papers will pick this up ................

Lillyringlet · 26/11/2018 21:24

Sorry but any had no one pointed out that op would get fined etc for not being properly registered for childcare... Like op is not related so would not fall under the family exemption meaning she would be hit!

Op good for you saying no but also point out that you are not going to take on the training or tax/fine issues that could hit you as you aren't technically family.

They will push again. Don't tell them about the holiday but let it hit them in the arse when they try to do the whole emergency stuff that you are out of the country. If there is a gap... Make sure you have no baby feasible plans so they can't drop and run (including not opening the door and pretend you are out or asleep enjoying your retirement).

They sound like they will try so give them no option... So you can say no and add "even if I did want to... I'm in Spain/on my way paintballing/going to a speakeasy/currently over the loo vomiting and sick with the flu"

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/11/2018 21:33

Also - if GD is expected to "look the part", what all happen as she ages? Most of us aren't quite as gorgeous at 65 as we were at 25, 35, even 45 (I am speaking for myself, obviously - the rest of you could still be sizzlin' Grin).

What happens if she no longer "looks the part"? It's not as though she'll have had the chance to save for a facelift or a bit of lipo . . . will he fund her constant battle against the ravages of time, or trade her in for something newer and flashier?

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/11/2018 21:35

What lifestyle? She’s on the periphery begging for snacks and being given designer gear. Does she get to pick her clothes?

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/11/2018 21:36

begging for snacks??
Nooo begging for scraps. Autocorrect thanks!

Original poster
Oldbutstillgotit · 26/11/2018 21:38

Am now on my third glass of wine and- finally- starting to relax. 🍷

OP posts:
anniehm · 26/11/2018 21:41

Doing occasional emergency childcare is one thing, that would be a nice thing to offer but not regular that's ridiculous to even ask. I wouldn't have even asked my mother. And couples need to pool their resources (whether you have separate accounts is up to you but you need to pay equal percentages for all costs adjusted for unequal incomes!)

delboysskinandblister · 26/11/2018 21:42

the most valuable thing you can give to someone is your time because you can never get it back.

retire from this toxic friendship of 'give' and 'take'
they have given you nothing except stress.
Yet they have seriously taken the piss - they will not change.

they envy your freedom (and clearly very happy marriage - lovely thoughtful hubby btw) and are parasites. Disengage. don't complain or explain - this is just you not rocking your boat because you have an enviable lifestyle of retirement.