Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
Curlycupid · 26/11/2018 19:30

Dear Old, so glad you said no. I’m hoping that this will focus your God daughter’s mind. You can be miserable in Prada and delighted in Primark. I hope she sees sense. Amyway, enjoy your retirement with your DH. It sounds like you two will enjoy it!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/11/2018 19:30

For those saying they're glad the friend was apologetic, can I just point out she said "even 1 day a week would help" after OP had already pushed back twice ... and that was today, in addition to all the previous, very rude entitlement

Sorry, but I very much doubt they've taken this on board at all - in fact I expect a "desperate emergency" call to come OP's way all too soon

Properjob · 26/11/2018 19:32

They are being very very U to ask you but I do think your friend the mother must be out of her mind with worry about her daughter and is trying to help in the only way she is allowed to (she must need to work too I guess to support herself so can't childmind)) until her daughter sees sense and LTB....

OffToBedhampton · 26/11/2018 19:33

If OP doesnt mind, I really think this belongs in MN classics. It's a salutary lesson for us all and OP dealt with it with kindness and confidence supported by MNers.
How do we request that?

deedeegee · 26/11/2018 19:35

Totally agree that YANBU- what a cheek that friend has even asked you. She should be on DGD's DH's case not lay a guilt trip on you. Friend has ruined the friendship and why doesn't she, as the granmother do the childcare?

HavelockVetinari · 26/11/2018 19:36

Ah your DH sounds like a lovely man Smile

I feel so sorry for your GD, she's such a bloody idiot to choose a 'lifestyle' over her own happiness and security. Her H sounds like an abusive arse, I'm glad you're not enabling him by acting as an unpaid nanny.

Groovee · 26/11/2018 19:37

Well done for sticking to your guns.

Your god daughter may think that people envy her lifestyle but I know lots of people who wouldn't envy it.

Ringbinger · 26/11/2018 19:43

You must not waver OP, and I would back away from them because they’ve shift they are not interested in your wellbeing.

Frankly, the GD has also shown she’s not that interested in her own baby’s wellbeing if she was still asking you to help when you’d already refused several times. I cannot imagine wanting someone to look after my child regularly when that person doesn’t want to do it. I’m sure you’re lovely and she’ll know you’d provide great care, but even so - the child deserves to be looked after by someone who wants to be with them and/or is paid to professionally care for them.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/11/2018 19:46

So glad you didn’t cave. What CF, asking you to give up your retirement plans just to facilitate GD’s lifestyle and GDH’s financial abuse. Unbelievable.

OffToBedhampton · 26/11/2018 19:49

You are right @Puzzledandpissedoff

Quote Friend said she understood but “ even 1 day a week would help”. I got a bit annoyed and said no again . I also said that I am not offering emergency childcare .

I read it as GD asked that bit but FRIEND did!! Seriously Hmm

pigsDOfly · 26/11/2018 19:51

You handled that well OP.

I think the lifestyle remark would have definitely sealed it for me.

She wants to keep her 'enviable' lifestyle? Well that's up to her, but doing so at the expense of her DM and you, her godmother? No.

You're being wise to back away a bit.

billybagpuss · 26/11/2018 19:54

So your friend was really emotional because she'd upset you and then had the audacity to ask again!!!! CCCCF

She needs to reassess her lifestyle, she'd have far more money if she left him was able to claim family allowance and benefits and he'd have to pay maintenance.

Enjoy your holiday!

GiantKitten · 26/11/2018 19:55

Well done for standing firm, OP Flowers

And well done to your DH too for the tactically timed holiday tickets Flowers

Did you manage to get in a suggestion that she claim child benefit? Even if the H claws back from his 50% the tax he has to pay on it 🙄, it’s clear that one way or another this relationship is not going to last, & she’ll be thankful for the pension credits years down the line...

Holidayshopping · 26/11/2018 19:55

How did the coffee ‘date’ end? Are you all friends?

I’m not sure I would ever want to see either of them again, to be honest. Do they have a history of taking advantage of nice people? Otherwise has all this come completely out of the blue?

Maggie42 · 26/11/2018 19:55

No you are definitely not selfish, your so called friend is the selfish one. You can offer sympathy for the girl as I can appreciate how difficult financial difficulty is, as been there. I worked till retirement, and relished having the grandchildren stay with us at weekends. But made the decision that when I retired I was not going to give up this hard worked for time to care for the grandchildren. I did feel guilty about this decision, and helped out on occasions, but didn't make it a full time job for myself.
Good luck

WhyAmISoCold · 26/11/2018 19:56

Well if she values her lifestyle more, then she has made her bed and she must lie in it.

billybagpuss · 26/11/2018 19:57

If her lifestyle is so 'enviable' how come she is in a coffee shop, in floods of tears, begging someone who doesn't want to do it, to look after her child because she's afraid of her husband?

Wasitnotme · 26/11/2018 19:57

You are certainly not being selfish! Enjoy your retirement with your husband life is short and no one knows what's around the corner. Your friend and GD sound awful Shock

Hoisinduck · 26/11/2018 19:58

I think they are being very unreasonable! You shouldn’t feel guilty at all, it is their responsibility to find suitable childcare, not yours.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/11/2018 19:58

Exactly, @OffToBedhampton Hmm

it couldn't be clearer that the "meet up for a coffee" was an attempted stitch-up, and I've no doubt the pair of them discussed exactly what they'd say beforehand, just as they previously discussed asking OP to do "2 days" before she retired

OP is indeed wise in her decision to back away a little, though frankly I doubt it will stop the demands

AcrossthePond55 · 26/11/2018 20:00

So she thinks her friends 'envy' her lifestyle? Well, it's entirely possible to 'envy' a lifestyle and at the same time think "but I'd never put up with that shit to have it!".

delboysskinandblister · 26/11/2018 20:02

OP - well done you.

All 3 are total narcissists which always feed off others and drop you like a hot potato if they don't get their way (not before much tantrumming/ feet / stamping and projection). i think they need to go back to nursery.

Do not tell her any of your plans / holiday or anything, they are users....

TemptressofWaikiki · 26/11/2018 20:03

For this level of CFeckery, I'd send them post cards from all over the world - get mates to send them for you as well - raving about your retirement travel Grin

tribpot · 26/11/2018 20:04

GD has replied to my text and apologised
Apologised for what? She's clearly not sorry in the slightest. As was evident when you met and they both continued to push and push to get you to facilitate this man's abuse.

I'm sorry your DH had to have his lovely retirement day surprise compromised to make sure you walked away from this pair of manipulators. There was really no need to meet them; they don't deserve your time.

I don't think this will be the end of their efforts to pressure you. They can't see any way out. I can particularly see some last minute emergency requests, like on the day when they're both working if baby isn't well enough for nursery. You really need to remember that just because you're at home it doesn't mean that time is free to be given to other people. Just like today.

even one day a week is loads. Honestly, how dare they. These people are not your friends.

dontalltalkatonce · 26/11/2018 20:11

she'd have far more money if she left him was able to claim family allowance and benefits and he'd have to pay maintenance.

billy, there hasn't be 'family allowance' in decades and now all the benefits are under UC in many if not most areas (more will be moving onto UC. It's actually very little money now. A man like this will probably also find a way to slither out of maintenance. So the moral is: don't procreate with a person who's a twat and if you do, it's now your own lookout, not the government's.

But truly, the fact that the OPs husband sprang the surprise on her early in case she was persuaded by this pair of cheeky cows is quite indicative of how they've probably behaved in the past, too, and how toxic they are that the OP even agreed to meet them again after telling them NO.

I really hope she gives them a wide berth because they're more bothered about themselves than about her.

Two people who plotted behind the OP's back to assume free childcare from her with no regard for her life and marriage, did not respect her refusal at all, called her selfish, then got her to consent for a coffee where they both still tried to guilt and blackmail her into this are not friends at all. It's a totally shitty thing to do.