Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

Of course YANBU! In no way do this - I feel any childcare you offer will be massively taken advantage of. Enjoy your retirement with your DH, just repeat you can't do the childcare, bordering CF-ery!

If she doesn't want to give up the lifestyle that she foolishly imagines everyone envies, that's entirely her choice, and it's her responsibility to do whatever it takes to facilitate. It's quite extraordinary that she thinks you should give up your retirement to support her lifestyle.

I am amazed that anyone could be that cheeky really! You are not being selfish, This is not your problem. Don't do it ...and if the friendship is damaged then so be it I'm afraid!!

I've read through most of this and I am SO glad that you stood your ground and that everyone here gave you the strength to do that.

I haven't read every single comment, but the thing I thought when I read it - apart of course from "Oh my god, CF!!! YANBU!!" was your husband and the fact that he's ten years older than you. As we get older we hope we have decades left, but we never know how many. At 74 it's time for him to have the retirement life you both want and deserve, so I'm glad that you've backed down from any and all childcare for someone who is in a situation of her own making.

Have a great week away in January and many, many more to come, with travel and experiences and sitting in front of the TV watching re-runs of Morse. I'm literally smiling thinking of you and he, still in love and free to do what you will with all the years in front of you.

Pleased to hear to went well and they have now accepted your decision. And what a lovely surprise from your husband!

Can I ask - why can’t your GD ask her ILs to help contribute financially to the child care costs? Sounds like they could afford to. And do they realise what a shit their son is?

Well done
Envious really - no.
Have a fantastic holiday

Well done for staying strong! You’ve absolutely done the right thing. X

Well you now have a lovely holiday today look forward to.

Yes you are definitely busy for the next few weeks no time for a catch up cuppa.

No one is envious because it’s all a sham . Not your problem

If he's a 50%-man, surely it should be 50% of his wage and 50% of hers goes into the family home to pay for essentials - not that they each pay 50% of the bills, which is a much greater proportion of her wage than of his?

Of course, he's 100% shit so that argument won't cut any ice . . .

Well done op (page 23 others).

This lady is no friend, to ask in the 1st place is rather rude but to then try to emotionally blackmail you into doing it is appalling, at 64 I would not want to babysit any children day in day out , it's hard work , you retired to spend time with your husband and family so that's what you need to do. Life's too short not to do what we want to do, if it was your own daughter and grandchild maybe you would consider it but i would send her this thread and see what she says them, what a awful person to behave like this towards a friend , shocking x

YADNBU

Tell this CF that she is the selfish one trying to put her problems onto you

of course it's abusive isn't it schadenfreude so many people seem not to understand that splitting things 50/50 should take into account what people earn & be proportionate - if my DH earns 5x more than me, and wants to live in a much nicer house, it makes no sense for me to pay exactly half of the mortgage as it is more than I can earn. If he wanted me to pay half the exact cost of the mortgage, we'd have to live in a place that I could afford half the mortgage of.

Similarly, it's not a 50/50 deal for one parent to pay for all of the childcare costs.

I don't know why your GD puts up with it either, I don't think you should enable it and can't for the life of me think why she does, yes, I'm sure the d1ckhead in question could easily lure some other woman with the trappings, but would she be happier without living beyond her means to a selfish man? Obviously she thinks not right now.

The entire family of his must be horrible and mad. What a life!

Well, perhaps she can sell some of her precious frocks on eBay or something to pay for childcare.

she just said that she had a lifestyle that others envied and she wasn’t giving it up.

She's a fool. And quite frankly, she deserves the life she has, with all its problems.

Well done for not giving in to cheeky fuckers and have a lovely holiday and retirement!

before I left the house DH handed me details of a holiday he has booked for Jan . A week in the sun. He had wanted to give it to me on my last day of work but felt he had to give it to me today in case I was persuaded to help out for a while

I like the sound of your DH and I like the sound of you

It was to be expected that they'd be shameless enough to push you yet again, but you've handled this superbly - though it wouldn't surprise me if they try again in future, or if the friendship cools now that they've found they can't use you

And I'm sorry but I've lost a lot of sympathy for your GD after her appallingly shallow "lifestyle" comment; in fact I'm starting to wonder if there's more to her DH's expectation around contributions than many of us have thought

If I was you OP I would be so tempted to show her this thread and let her see what a cheeky entirled fucker EVERYONE on this site thinks / knows she is but maybe that's just me

Damn @Oldbutstillgotit I crossposted as someone came to the door and I missed all your updates whilst typing mine before I hit post.

But I'm really pleased for you that you had the strength and confidence to keep saying No. !!

Well done, your DH will be relieved! And I bet you are too! But really you shouldn't have had this out of the blue stress and imposition even suggested to you. And the one "No Thankyou" should have been enough!

Your GD really pushed didn't she today? That's why she wanted to meet you, as we all feared. Glad your friend realised she'd slipped into CF web before and was apologetic. I hope you see how CF GD was still being - I suspect she has got used to you helping her out and isn't thinking at all about your needs, plans and your life - for you as a person too! (I can't get my head around her not thinking about you, her beloved kind GodM at all in any of her CF requests!! )

You've every right to.enjoy your hard earnt retirement and.she is looking for someone she can use to maintain her lifestyle. I hate to say this, but she's a selfish madam who won't deal with her financially controlling DH as she likes the trappings of her Guilded Cage.

I left an abusive husband 10.years ago, and it was bloody hard, it still is, but that's what adults do. I brought my DC up on my own (with youngest 3rd DC a baby) and paid for everything myself (CTC & CB was a godsend!) ...We adults don't expect to use others , nor to steal their lives to fix it for us, just so that we get to stay in the posh house.

You deserve that big glass of wine! Or G&T

My blood is boiling reading this.
Tell your " friend " to retire herself and look after her own goddamn grandchild.
That baby is nobody's responsibility other than the parents. If your staggeringly entitled and self centred " friend " does not recognise this then perhaps it's time to end the relationship.
Don't you DARE modify your hard earned retirement plans in order to prop up this miserable selfish entitled lot. Not for a day a week, not for an hour a week.
Have a wonderful and well deserved retirement and do not give this another moments thought .

Babies can be very demanding. You worked hard all your life so you could enjoy your retirement. Why should you now do
Childcare. You might not travel but u might want to go to the shops or wake at at two pm in The afternoon. If u were looking after that baby then your freedom
To do anything would be lost. Your friend should never have laid the guilt on u and you should tell Her , has she thought about u And how much you’re looking to
Your retirement.

I think your friend and GD are strong contenders for CFers of the year 2018...

Ooh u poor thing am new this is my first post i posted on i really feel for you no real friend should pressure u into anything

Also @Oldbutstillgotit love your DH's beautiful holiday gift to you both in January and that he subtly reminded you of what CF GD was trying to steal.from.you both. I bet he is sooooo excited to have his darling wife retired so he can arrange adventuresyouve talked about over many years. Your DH is 74 and hasnt endless time, before in 5-10 years , his holiday insurance goes up and he knows that! I hope you globe trott, go on cruises and the best of adventures as you both deserve that! You've cared for.GDC, who's 13 now, to help DD and who doesn't need Nanna anymore. This is your time!! (If I was your DD I'd be up in arms on your behalf telling GD to back off!)

I was in your GD's situation (financially abusive husband who earned 6 figures but i had to pay 50% of everything, even when on maternity leave, when I worked part time) although I didn't give two hoots about "the lifestyle"

I'm actually glad that he wouldn't "allow" me to work less than 4 days a week as my career was fine. And meant that when I finally got enough courage to leave with our 3 lovely children I could afford to buy us our own home without needing his cash, as my salary was enough to get a mortgage.

I am now with an amazing man who has shown me what love looks like, but who actually cried when I explained why I wasn't exactly sure how real relationships worked, having only ever been with exh. For 20 years.

I am really happy now :)

Friend said she understood but “ even 1 day a week would help”. I got a bit annoyed and said no again . I also said that I am not offering emergency childcare

Well done on getting in a preemptive strike re "emergency childcare" as you know fine well there would be at least one emergency a week!