Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP, well done for not allowing yourself to be emotionally manipulated. You and your husband deserve, not only some wine tonight, but a lovely holiday together. I wish you both every happiness in your retirement together. I suspect your husband is very relieved you asked for words of wisdom from MN.

Well, your GD has made her choice and is now realising that you are not going to pay the price for it. She will.

She is valuing her material wealth over her personal freedom. I feel more sorry for her and the child for this than anything else. Well, that and a father who thinks his child’s wellbeing isn’t his responsibility.

What a sorry state of affairs. Very sad.

Well done for standing up to them.

I’m a grandmother, your age, and I have volunteered one afternoon every other week - and that is more than enough with my own grandchildren. And I wasn’t asked, I volunteered. Huge difference to your goddaughters expectations, she is being VERY cheeky and quite grabby, I’m afraid.

I suspect that your friend is totally worried about her daughter and her daughters choices. But absolutely don’t get drawn into their dramas. Have some good times with your husband - he is older than you, as mine is, and realistically we need to enjoy ourselves now, while we can, after working hard for so many, many years. 🌺

Hang on - so she has to pay 100% of the childcare? He won't pay 50%?

What if she was to be a sahm- would he still expect 50% of the bills?

If so she's a fool for staying with him. And it's ridiculous of her to shift the burden on to you.

Enjoy your lovely holiday.

And I'm still gobsmacked that her plan was for you to do childcare without even ducking asking you!!!

I have honestly never heard Such the like
Well done you!!

She is expecting YOU to fund the lifestyle others envy!

I am glad you didn't crumble, OP.

YANBU Don't let your friend pull a guilt trip on you. If your DF is worried about her DD child care problems why doesn't DF cut her working hours down to provide childcare for her GC or contribute money towards getting childcare.
Don't give in stand strong.

Oh and high five to your husband op surprise winter holiday
Big points there!!

A huge well done OP! You were extremely fair about it and much nicer than most people (myself included) would have been. I'll have to admit if have completely lost my rag when she started going on about how she doesn't want to lose this life that people would envy. What a stupid girl, she's willing to live through hell for a few bits of designer gear and she has the cheek to think people ENVY her? I have lost all pity for her and her situation and I think she is just as bad as the DH.

How many hours is she going to be doing each day to squeeze 5 into 4? Poor child is going to have a knackered mother and be passed to all and sundry to those she’s manipulated into giving her childcare. What a mess!

Well done OP, for standing firm and not giving in to them. I totally agree that she sounds totally shallow for prioritising the lifestyle over everything else.

You are not there to provide free childcare so that she can get her fancy lifestyle. your friend is a mug too for enabling this man to treat her DD this way.

Hopefully one day she will realise that no amount of fancy things buys happiness, but until then stay well away from her childcare problems.

she just said that she had a lifestyle that others envied and she wasn’t giving it up.

Then leave her to it. She has options but won't take them.

Enjoy retirement!

No No No and a million times No. that is seriously so unfair of her, you have worked long enough and your retirement means time for you and your hubby. I think she’s been so unfair asking you. It’s unfortunate that her daughter can’t afford childcare, but not your problem at all. How was she going to manage before you told her about your retirement. It’s her and her husbands job to pay for children’ Care, presumably they both knew this before they had the baby. Don’t feel bad, it’s your retirement, go and enjoy it

What a depressing situation.

Well done, OP. You deserve the wine and the January week in the sun. You’ve a lovely DH.

she had a lifestyle that others envied and she wasn’t giving it up.

But no money of her own. By allowing her mother to drop a day at work she’s taking money from a woman left in a precarious financial situation because of her own divorce. It’s spectacularly fucked up.

I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position by people who mean a lot to you.

I hope your goddaughter wakes up soon before she e DS up passing on bad relationship dynamics to her young child.

Well done on staying strong!

So your GD isn't willing to give up her lifestyle but wants you to give up yours!? That is really quite high up the CF scale.

GD doesn’t want to give up Her lifestyle so erm you have to work to allow her to keep it? Her mothers friend?

What about you? What about your health & wellbeing? Your husbands? She doesn’t give a shiny shite about you. Just herself.

GD is an entitled madam. She’ll try again, you’re going to have to harden your heart.

Your retirement is about you & your husband.

Anyway the update is that GD has replied to my text and apologised but has asked to meet for coffee later with my friend . I don’t work on a Monday so have agreed but advised her that I won’t change my mind

I can’t believe after you said this, they still tried it on!

She doesn’t want to rock the boat with her fuckwit of a DH but is more that happy to rock the boat in YOUR retirement, wellbeing and marriage.

Sorry that your GD is such a bitch!

Urgh. Who really envies this lifestyle?

I'm horrified that you god daughter has that attitude. She has a "cushy" life with designer clothes ect and other are envious. Sounds very shallow. I feel for your df as she was left high a dry by her dh and now working till god knowns when as is still giving up 1 day a week of work.

I bet this girl won't look after her dm if she became ill????

Op enjoy your retirement you deserve it

So your GD isn't willing to give up her lifestyle but wants you to give up yours!? That is really quite high up the CF scale.

This a 1000 times over. Stay strong OP. for your retirement and for the ordeal of the coffee discussion

You are most definitely not being unreasonable and for your so called friend to call you selfish is appalling and you should most definitely not do any of it now. I was going to say you could offer to do the odd day IF YOU WANTED TO, but now I don't think you should get involved at all as they have no right to guilt you into this and quite frankly if (and this was before your 'friend' called you selfish) you had offered the odd help here and there they would take the mick and push and push for more with no gratitude.

The assumption and guilting on your friends part is disgusting and I recommend that you either cut ties altogether or send a message saying you wish them nothing but the best but you are not free to assist quite frankly even if you had no plans it wouldn't matter if you didn't want to do it (if you want to call her out on being rude feel free, I would probably add something like: "after your email even if I were free I would now not help" but that's just me ) and that GD needs to sort out for her DH to start paying for his own child as it's not on you to step in where he has failed. A PP gave you a good template/example above.

I didn't even ask my Mum to help me out, and she does a few days here and there if she is free and if she wants to. Grandparents (and Godparents) are not free child care. Believe me I know how expensive it is but that does not make any of this ok.

Sorry for the essay but this has really annoyed me on your behalf.

Hi @Oldbutstillgotit (love your username!) We're all hoping your coffee was a lovely catch up and not an ambush of some type. Definitely looking FWD to update that you're still.free as a lark to enjoy your fabulous retirement plans even if it's late lie ins and brunch with Darling Hubbie some.weeks and travelling bagging best last minute bargains others..

My parents aged 72 &78 are having a whale of a time. I'm a single parent who pays out for childcare to work and I wouldn't dream of crushing my parents freedom by asking them to do regular childcare and I didn't. They occasionally help out in holidays for the odd part weeks when they are around and I'm VERY grateful for that! And that's their GDC!

I guess we've all been shocked at the presumption of it all and how you have had shine taken off of your wonderful retirement plans by this situation that you're being asked to fix that shouldn't in anyway involve you.