Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

One thing I forgot to say ( must be the wine ) is that before I left the house DH handed me details of a holiday he has booked for Jan . A week in the sun. He had wanted to give it to me on my last day of work but felt he had to give it to me today in case I was persuaded to help out for a while.

It sounds as though GD likes the lifestyle, and wants the trappings, more than she wants to leave him. She wants her cake and eat it. Very cheeky, that would really put my back up.

but she said he wouldn’t do it and she isn’t prepared to rock the boat ( her words). I asked what she meant and she just said that she had a lifestyle that others envied and she wasn’t giving it up

Zero sympathy for her. As Super Chicken said to Fred "You knew the job was dangerous when you took it". And in future when Friend or GD start whinging, I'd remind them that GD has made a conscious choice to live this way and then I'd change the subject.

Enjoy your holiday and retirement!

Oooh enjoy your holiday op, and sod those cheeky feckers.

Urgh I feel for you. I really hate when so called friends try to guilt you into doing stuff. Stand your ground OP, you have earned your retirement.

Bloody hell how entitled of your friend and god daughter.

Tell them no. End of. It isn't your fault that she is married to a shitty man.

You have one absolutely the right thing. Your god daughter has admitted she would prefer the lifestyle over the money. That’s her decision. It sounds like she would have lots of support to leave but would rather be “envied” which is very sad.
I agree you should distance yourself for a while too. They need to know they have been very shitty.

Enjoy your retirement, you only live once. It’s a pity your god daughter doesn’t realise this.

How lovely of your husband! Enjoy your holiday, OP, you've earned it!

A couple of times I felt myself wavering ( when I saw how upset my friend was ) but I thought about all you wonderful people and stick to my guns.

And quite honestly, I think you really need to back away from this pair if you wavered at all and that a bunch of internet sprites convinced and not your husband and his feelings. If I were your spouse I would be unbelievably upset, hurt and angry with you that you considered compromising our lives together to enable this friend and her daughter, seriously upset that their feelings and needs counted for more than mine when it was me you are married to. They are manipulative and you really need to get away from that for you own sake and that of your marriage. It should have been a total no-brainer, tbh, with no wavering required.

I like the sound of your DH. He planned a lovely surprise for you. Shame he had to give it to early but it clearly shows the lifestyle that you both want.

It’s ok for GD’s in laws to swan off jet setting but she has asked to forgo that to look after her child. Her priorities are messed up. She has the illusion of a rich lifestyle but if he is making her pay 50% if everything (bar the upkeep of his own child!) then she isn’t living a luxurious lifestyle at all.

When she is scrimping to afford decent shoes for her child and has holes in her designer knickers and watches him still living the life of Riley she may just realise what a fool she is. And she may stay even then as to the outside world everything looks rosy.

I’m not surprised your friend is so upset about the situation. Well done OP that must have been an awful meeting. Enjoy your wine 🍷

I missed the word you out - twice!

So much for an apology, more like a guilt trip. Well done for holding your own though Op as that cannot have been easy.

Your gd has some weird ideas. No doubt she will figure him out eventually.

Well done op.

I'm another one with little sympathy, she knows what he's like and wants to stay regardless so she can have back nice lifestyle people envy, only nobody would envy her and she is a fool, oh well, at least she is a fool in a designer jumper

Some friend. Her attitude is outrageous! As others have said she should give up work and care for her grand child, or pay for child care. Why has it become your job to look after her grandchild, and how dare she be so insulting because you want your own life? Do not even consider this for one moment - you are being used, and your emotions played on in a cynical and dreadful way.

Well done, and lovely that he has a trip arraigned for you !

It's outrageous that they tried pushing you when you had already said no and I'm really pleased you didn't give way. If GD's DH is that rich, it can't be long before he trades her in for a newer model, then she will really have something to cry about. She is delusional if she thinks people envy her being married to someone like her DH. Disgusting behaviour by both of them.

Wishing you a long and happy retirement.

Well done for standing up for yourself OP!

A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do

I bet she seemed pleased - but not for you. Her cogs were already whirring.

for your DH - but I feel so sorry for him losing out on the big retirement day plans he had for telling you about the holiday.

Enjoy your trip.

Can I borrow your husband op - just for a while. He sounds fantastic.

Happy holiday.

What a sad but rather strange situation. There is no way you should be pushed into this. As others have said it sounds as if this is not a real friendship.

Poor you to be out in this situation !

When I read the title, I thought it would be YOUR DC asking for childcare (to which I would probably have said -fine, if it's part time) but someone else's DC - I would say no - sorry. Then leave it at that. They will only end up asking for more and more. YANBU.

I told GD that her husband’s attitude is terrible and I feel she is in a financially abusive relationship which she denied insisting he is just tight

So a financially abusive relationship then.

she isn’t prepared to rock the boat .....she just said that she had a lifestyle that others envied and she wasn’t giving it up

At this point I think I would have got annoyed and told her to grow the fuck up.

No one envies her life style. They can see that her dh is a tight arse git and am just thankful that they aren’t married to him.

Good lord! Some people really know how to take advantage. You haven't even retired yet and she can is already planning how to use your time. Say no, no, no. Please don't. It's very wrong what she is doing. I am shocked.