Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

I’m back . With a large glass of wine. Yes I know it’s early but I need it .
Difficult hour. My friend was upset ; partly that she had upset me and partly at her DD’s situation. She kept apologising. I said it was unfair to put me in that situation especially as she and her DD had been discussing it behind me back .
GD then spoke asking if I would help. I said no. I said that I am sorry she has a childcare problem but I am not the answer. I have waited a long time for my retirement and do not want any commitments . Friend said she understood but “ even 1 day a week would help”. I got a bit annoyed and said no again . I also said that I am not offering emergency childcare .
I told GD that her husband’s attitude is terrible and I feel she is in a financially abusive relationship which she denied insisting he is just tight. She says there is no way she would ever consider leaving so will just have to manage. My friend is dropping to 4 days and GD will work 5 days over 4 so childcare only needed for 3 days but she says even that will cripple her . I asked her if she could not insist that her DH shared the responsibility , either financially or through working patterns but she said he wouldn’t do it and she isn’t prepared to rock the boat ( her words). I asked what she meant and she just said that she had a lifestyle that others envied and she wasn’t giving it up.
Her ILs spend most of their time cruising or in their Spanish House so are not an option.
I am terribly disappointed with my GD but she has made a decision. I feel sorry for my friend but I think I need to back away a bit.
Thank you so much for all your support . A couple of times I felt myself wavering ( when I saw how upset my friend was ) but I thought about all you wonderful people and stick to my guns.

The husband sounds absolutely horrendous. I hope the meeting ending up with god-daughter and god-daughter's mum figuring out a way to support GD with living with/ escaping from an abusive husband.

So you don't work on Mondays so you must be available for coffee. Do you see the pattern here OP?

Hope the meeting went ok, OP. It must have been awkward.

Fingers crossed for you.x.

Sorry to say the minute she started to blackmail you the friendship is over ! How dare she put the burden on your shoulders . Please don't give in , think of of your life with your DH and enjoy xx

Your goddaughter’s husband sounds a complete arse. She needs to sort her shit out in her own house. And no, YANBU in the slightest. CF at its finest. As for your friend? It’s her DD, she can bloody step up. Unbelievable! Enjoy your retirement and go do lots of amazing things with your husband.

Sorry, cross-posted with you.

Your GD needs to face up to the realities of her choices. You providing childcare would just be enabling the man who financially abuses her.

Yay! Well done for standing firm, OP.

Enjoy your retirement

GD seriously needs to think about her situation, she's so vulnerable. :(

Thank you so much for all your support . A couple of times I felt myself wavering ( when I saw how upset my friend was ) but I thought about all you wonderful people and stick to my guns.

Brava! You've shown courage, dignity, integrity, and a sense of self-care.

Your DH must also be relieved.

Well Done, OP!

Wow that's awful OP, I do admire you for keeping calm though. Its a poor job all round - she has a lifestyle that others would envy ... but she can't afford anything she needs! Who would envy that?!

I feel very sad for you OP that they put you in this position again; so they weren't that sorry really were they. I wonder who else they are trying it on with?

The husband sounds awful but to be honest your GD is a shallow and self-centred fool.

The idea that YOU should give her FREE childcare so she can enjoy a luxurious lifestyle is truly phenomenal.

Her values are seriously out of whack.

She doesn't want to rock the boat, by asking her DH and the father of her DC to pay for it's nursery fees so she can go back to work, which is what he wants? Well, that's her choice. If she puts her 'enviable lifestyle' (which doesn't sound very fucking enviable to me), before proper care for her DC then that says a hell of a lot about her, tbh. She sounds shallow and immature. So glad you stuck to your guns OP. How dare they try to emotionally blackmail you like this? Enjoy your glass of wine (and your retirement) - you deserve them

Well done Op for sticking to your guns!

One bit from GD that I don't get, she says she'll be skint going back to work but doesn't want to give up the lifestyle she thinks others are envious off.
Are people really envious of somebody whos skint??
Shes deluded and will wake up in her own time.

Bloody awful that your GD can't see she's trapped in a guided cage.

Well done OP! You’ve earnt that glass of wine.
I am truly shocked that they were still pushing for one day a week and her attitude in general about not giving up her lifestyle but expecting everyone else to look after her kids for free. Appalling.

OK, I admit I haven't read the 22 pages of this thread. But let me get this straight. A married man with £ resources is essentially refusing the freedom to return to work to his wife on the basis that he will not contribute to childcare. Nor will he do the childcare himself. He is therefore proposing that his wife be a stay at home mother against her will. There's a concept for that -- coercive control. It's against the law and it is of course based on gender abuse. What does the wife do? Ask her own mother to ask a female friend to do the care free whilst not charging either her husband or herself. So she not only fails to stand up to the man, but she aggravates his £ abuse of women.

And one of these women is calling the last woman in the chain SELFISH?

This is the 21st century. Send them each a copy of the Handmaid's Tale for Xmas and say goodbye to the sorry lot of them. Parasites!

I am absolutely staggered that anyone would seriously think that someone should/would/could provide free childcare for them (excepting maybe grandparents, but I actually believe there should be some reciprocal arrangement there too).

And yes, once again they have abused your good nature today. They suggested meeting for coffee purely and simply to get you to change your mind.

Good on you for standing firm

Well done for standing firm, you did the right thing. In spite of your friend feeling upset, it still strikes me as a bit strange that they still think the solution is to continue to pester you rather than risk upsetting the husband.

Well done op, fantastic, give them an inch and they will take a mile, which I can see happening, good on you for putting your foot down on all childcare. GD has made her bed, so she has to lie in it. Not forgot your precious retirement to supplement her arse of a husband.

Well done OP

she isn’t prepared to rock the boat .....she just said that she had a lifestyle that others envied and she wasn’t giving it up.

Says it all really - she's not prepared to rock the baot with her DH but perfectly happy to rock the boat with her relationship with you and her mother's friendship with you which I assume goes back very many years. ie she thought that you'd be more of a pushover than her "D"H

I'm afraid she sounds quite a shallow materialistic young lady to me.

I would be prepared to let go of this friendship with if it started to affect me.

Fucking bravo! They are such pisstakers. Still cannot believe your GD expected to blackmail you so you can enable to her lifestyle. NO providing the childcare. EVER. If she comes to you with 'I'm suck!' you just say, 'That's a pity. We have plans already. Hope you work something out.' I'd still be raging that the pair of you went behind your back like this. That's just unbelievably presumptuous I'd actually be inclined to take a bit of a breather from both of them.

Well done, OP. I think situation will be resolving itself anyway as a pig of man like that isn't going to put his family first and with a doormat for a wife, what's to stop him squirrelling away his money where she can't get it - and leaving her.

Could be the making of her actually, the silly woman is in such precarious position even though she's married. For what? A vacuous lifestyle that she can't afford. Crazy.

You're well out of it and I'm not surprised you're disappointed in her. How dare she ask you after all that's said. How dare her mum sit there and not defend you after that apology. Meant nothing obviously. Blood's thicker than water well, these are not your blood. You and your husband are your priority and should be.

Happy Retirement and very well done!