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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
Denarys04 · 26/11/2018 17:32

Absolutely not and stick to your guns. This is your time. You've done your tour of duty. I wish you well and enjoy your retirement. You've earned it xx

Alexandra2018 · 26/11/2018 17:33

Yanbu at all! She can offer to her it's her granddaughter
The last thing you want to do it commit to free childcare (even paid I wouldn't consider it!)
I'd end the friend ship over this! What was she planning to do otherwise!

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 26/11/2018 17:37

Perhaps your friend really ought to look at why her daughter is in an abusive relationship?
Secondly - why doesn’t she give up work and do childcare?

Meagainstheothers · 26/11/2018 17:42

I really hope you haven't given in to them OP

Hector2000 · 26/11/2018 17:42

Well now, I’m a coward and so I’d be tempted to invent some caring duty (Great Auntie Maud) that prevents my getting involved 🤭 but I certainly WOULD NOT DO IT.

summerstorm · 26/11/2018 17:44

In order to look after a child on a regular basis even one day a week that is not related to you, you need to register with the care commission as a childminder whether you are paid or not. It’s a long drawn out process and you could easily use that as a reason for not doing it. As a retired childminder who loves all of my 9 grandchildren and have at some point have looked after all of them I speak from experience. Difference is these are my grandchildren not my friends grandchildren. You need to say a very firm NO

Angiemum24 · 26/11/2018 17:45

It’s not your responsibility, you didn’t decide to have a baby your god daughter did.
I hope you and your hubby enjoy your retirement.

Hellsbells35 · 26/11/2018 17:46

Yanbu- your relationship will suffer more if you do it as you will end up resenting it. You are not family, if it is was your blood relative I.e daughter and grandchild it would be completely different. Please don’t do this - you’ve waited too long for this freedom

Icanttakemuchmore · 26/11/2018 17:47

Yanbu. If your friend is that concerned about childcare, let her retire and look after her gc. You are retiring so you can take it easy. Believe me, looking after a young baby at your age will only get more and more hard work as the child starts getting around etc . Your friend is the selfish one. Stick to your guns

SilverySurfer · 26/11/2018 17:47

Looking forward to your post, OP, telling us that you held firm and that it wasn't too much of an ordeal.

It may be the end of a friendship but quite honestly if a friend of mine called me selfish in similar circumstances, I would be the one ending it.

supersop60 · 26/11/2018 17:47

NO NO NO. CF friend can look after her own grandchild. Your GD needs to sort out her marriage first. Why should you (or anyone enable her Dh's behaviour)
Enjoy your retirement!

manicmij · 26/11/2018 17:47

Why doesn't the person's DH want to contribute to his child's care costs. The mother needs to get that addressed especially if she has to pay 50% of the bills. YANBU. At the risk of being pilloried why did they have a child if they can't afford it?

VerbenaGirl · 26/11/2018 17:49

Your friend is being massively unreasonable, as is her daughter’s husband - who, from what I can tell, is refusing to pay anything towards his own child’s childcare?!

Lilip87 · 26/11/2018 17:51

This post has really annoyed me!
I'm sorry but your friend is very selfish and not really much of a friend at all , retirement is your time to do what you wish to do and if you do not want to spend any of it babysitting then you do not need to do it , nor do you have to explain yourself .

If your friend is so bothered maybe she should think about retiring to help her daughter out and watch her own grandchild !

If she end a friendship with you over this then that is her problem and her loss , don't let someone pressurise you into anything!

go and enjoy your traveling and your retirement your way!

DerelictWreck · 26/11/2018 17:52

Are any of the last few posters even reading the thread?

Aprilsinparis · 26/11/2018 17:54

Don't do it OP. I said yes out of duty, to look after my niece, and regretted every single day.

Yujismum · 26/11/2018 17:54

You know what is ok or you wouldn’t have posted here.
Problem is we seem to have difficulties taking care of ourselves without feeling guilty. So.......you want to retire, you want to take care of yourself and OH, and enjoy the rest of your life. AS YOU SHOULD.
Do not be blackmailed into thinking you have a responsibility to all and sundry.......you do not! And yes I include good friends as all and sundry when they are not able to listen and understand where you are coming from.

Ifyoudontlaughyouwillcry · 26/11/2018 17:56

You are soooo not being unreasonable.

  1. You have worked and earned your retirement
2 . Your friends daughter situation is hers and her daughter. If she feels so strongly about it she should give up her own job and look after HER granddaughter

Please stick to your guns over this, I say this as a mum of two young primary school children. I gave up a high paying career- my choice. I now work part time - my choice. Once both children were at full time school I have my retired in-laws who live very close and a DH. We would only ask in-laws if their was an emergency and neither of us could take the day off.

I’m sorry if you can’t afford childcare then you can’t afford to return to work.

I understand everyone’s situation is different but to put pressure on you is quite frankly disgraceful and I’m afraid I would question the true nature of this 40yr friendship. She either accepts your position or she jogs on.

Enjoy your retirement whatever YOU decide to do x

Lizzie48 · 26/11/2018 17:56

@manicmij

It's not the case that the OP's GD and her DH couldn't afford a child, the DH is actually very wealthy. The fact is, he's refusing to pay for childcare for his own child. We don't know whether he told her before she got pregnant that this was the deal, I suspect probably not.

TemptressofWaikiki · 26/11/2018 17:58

Those so quick to jump to conclusions about OP not returning due to having caved in, it’s just barely early evening. The OP may not have had returned yet or had a chance to update on this thread due being busy.

keffie12 · 26/11/2018 18:00

It's NOT your responsibility. The God daughter needs to be looking at her marriage also as that is financial abuse what her husband is doing

Btw the friend is not a friend. She shouldn't even be asking you. Your husband is correct. It is not your job to bring up get child. Quite frankly your "friend" is not a nice person

Flowersandbirds · 26/11/2018 18:01

Gosh! My own mother made it very clear on retirement that she didn’t want a regular childcare gig (though she does do holidays etc whenever I ask) and that was absolutely fine. You factor this in when you have kids. And even if you don’t, it is entirely the problem of the parents. Please do not waste a single moment feeling guilty and enjoy doing what YOU choose in retirement.

Scottsy100 · 26/11/2018 18:03

What a piss taking cow, oh and btw you need a new “friend” tell her to look after her own family and not make their problems yours, god daughter or no god daughter sounds like her partner / ex needs to be pulling a bit more weight

browneyes77 · 26/11/2018 18:05

Wow! Just wow!

YADNBU!! Cheeky fuckery at its finest!!

Her DD clearly wants to stay with this abusive arsehole for the designer lifestyle he provides and isn’t seeing how detrimental it is to her.

Why should you pick up the slack for her tight arse abusive DH and give them free childcare because he won’t get his hand out of his pocket for his own child?? That child is THEIR responsibility not yours!!

If she doesn’t want to help herself by taking herself out of that situation, that’s her decision, but she can’t expect other people to put themselves out and have their lives turned upside down and put on hold because of her poor choices.

No, no no! Stick to your guns and don’t do it!!

skyesayshi · 26/11/2018 18:08

OP, as so many have told you, YANBU to not want to do this and I hope that you stick to your guns.

Your GD really does have an arse for a DH, but it is her choice. If she would rather stay with him because of the fancy house, holidays and cars, then that is her choice. I know of someone who puts up with the shit because they won't give up the lifestyle.

She needs to tell her DH to sod off and either refuse to go back to work as it is not financially viable, or tell him that they need a frank discussion about finances now that there is a child, or she is out of there.

Is there any history to this, has she been in debt in the past or blown lots of money?