Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

I hope the coffee went well, I'm sure you have stood strong

The apology is a start but I agree with pp that GD is being abused - financially and emotionally
I can't understand why she has to pay him 50% of everything he spends, but he won't pay 50% of what she does??
Also the 'lending' money. Please, please if you meet her, take the Guardian letter - or even print out this thread to show her how wrong her situation is. She is blindly excusing things that are just not normal
Let us know how it goes

the situation with the couple is messed up, the solution that they are trying to bring about is also messed up
I suppose at least they are consistent

Do you think her DH would give up his retirement to look after someone else's kid

Absolutely!

How did the coffee go? Be wary if they ask for short term help. Short term will become full term very fast.

I can't believe someone would be so much of a CF!

My god that is beyond cheeky! Do not enable the abuse this poor woman is suffering. Why isn't your friend helping her DD if the DH is like that?

I'd imagine they would gang up and try to make you feel bad but stick to your guns

reputation as "one of the awkward squad" can be a useful thing

No one asks me to do anything. I help out if I see a situation I can help with and I have time but people I know wouldn’t dream of asking because usually I have so much going on they know I don’t have time.

I am also shit at cooking, cleaning and anything that involves art or writing or sewing or generally anything that involves hands.

Although I am good with a sledge hammer and an axe.

And yes joes cafe did agree with me. It was about a boy and I was a gobby teen at the time. His exgf thought I would be shy and demure.

Boy was she wrong

Oldbutstillgotit Think about how rich he would be if he had to pay for his wife and child.

Anyone can be amass wealth if they go to work and have someone else paying for their up keep or bills and they only have to throw a designer hand bag in their direction every now and then.

Hope it went ok OP

Hope the op isnt having a practise run

I'm ridiculously bothered by this: I'll be so annoyed of the OP agrees to any regular childminding.

I retired at 50 partly to look after increasingly needy frail parents. I am now nearly 60 and l don't know where those years have gone. My parents died about 4 to 5 years ago respectively and l never properly went back to work as then my Mil became quite infirm and needed more and more help and all Dh's family just presumed ld do it as l was at home all day 'doing nothing'. Then my dd needed help with childcare and school runs etc and l didn't feel l could say no. I regret not saying no more as l feel lve squandered my early retirement.

suggest to your CF 'friend' that she

1. pays for her own daughter's divorce
2. provides free childcare for her own DGC?

If she doesn't return, it's probably because she caved in to these entitled fuckwits posing as friends.

pressed too soon... and feel l might as well have retired at 60 as l have siblings and so does dh so they could ha e taken aot of the load off andooking after elderly relatives can be exhausting and thankless at times. No YA DNBU and a true friend would not make you feel that way, how dare she try and pinch some of your retirement that you have worked hard for and looked forward to.

If she doesn't return, it's probably because she caved in to these entitled fuckwits posing as friends

That's what I thought, dontalltalkatonce

Or OP could have been heartbroken over the loss of her friend of many yrs and Had a stiff drink..... or 10 🍸🥃

YANBU, why do people have children if they cannot plan for this situation! She needs to be more flexible with what she is considering, maybe she needs to work nights cleaning or weekends doing something so her own mother or husband can look after the baby!?

I know 1 lady who refuses to do anything other than her current in salon beauty business, won't consider better paid office work which will leave her with more pay after childcare, won't consider doing it from home etc... Oh and she also will only use a nursery which is 7 miles away, and does sessions from 8am-6pm. Her hours at work are 10-5.30 so she's wasting 2 hours in the morning to start with anyway! Plus it's about £75 a day and she makes about £90 a day if tips are good! You really cannot help some people!

No way.

I hope you didn't get bullied/guilted into doing any childcare over coffee. They were out of order for planning your retirement for you, no matter what circumstances GD is living in.

GD's mother, your friend, should be the one to quit her job and watch her GD if she's that upset about the whole thing. But she isn't, not surprisingly. Because it is an unreasonable expectation. She has to live, too. And you've worked hard your whole life and are now going to enjoy your retirement with your older DH while you both still can.

I hope you stood firm. Encourage GD to leave the relationship, sure, as she's clearly being financially and emotionally abused, but do not make it easier for her to stay by providing care you don't want to provide.

Always a bad sign if an OP does not return... hmmmm

Lose the friend she's trying to use you. If she's asks one more time call social services and remove the child to a safer more secure unit your friend can't handle kids what have then??? Some ppl are so stupid they make kids but can't look after them. They need to go to prison for breaking kids up when they can't.