Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

Put bluntly, she is asking you to make sacrifices so she doesn't have to.

This.

If she doesn’t pay her half of the bills/mortgage. What exactly is he going to do?

I also suspect it will be can you do one day etc.

I would make but clear your retirement plans . Keeping it low key has done you no favours.

I also would not indulge her poor me . I would be simply your choice .

Avoid the meeting.

They will offer your money or ask you to do 'just one day' so she can save to leave him, or be emergency childcare. I'd take your husband or tell her 'Sorry, I think you should save your money, not go out for coffee'. Remember, this person assumed you'd provide her with 2 free days of childcare a week so she can live in a posh house with her financially abusive husband. Assumed. Didn't even have the balls to ask you to your face. Then again assumed, with her mother, behind your back, that you'd do the whole week for free and now she is 'upset and worried'. She's not worried about her twat h, she's worried about no freebie from you. She's being financially abused, but she's also a weapons grade CF. I'd be fuming if I were you.

I would go for coffee, but I would go armed with the knowledge that, as someone has already said on this thread, you are not a registered childminder and therefore cannot look after her child as she is not related to you. Keep that line because that is unassailable - you not wanting to do it is something they can work on and try to get you to "just try it" or "just for a little while" - but the legality of you being unable to do it without being a registered childminder is non-negotiable.

You're probably at the meeting now. Best of luck x

I hope it doesn’t go badly OP, I really feel for the awkward situation you have been put in here. I would be seriously considering if you let lobg standing friend is much of a friend at all to be honest! Don’t give them an inch x

I’d take your dh to the meeting as he would definitely have your back and tell the CFs where to go

I wouldn't be meeting them cheeky mares for coffee.
May as well kiss your retirement goodbye.
🙁

To be honest I would be fuming that this friend and gd were planning your retirement behind your back OP, the more I think about it the angrier I am for you, the cheek of them volunteering you for full time, unpaid labour for the next few years so she can maintain her lifestyle.

You shouldn't have to sacrifice because she wont acknowledge that her marriage doesn't work.

I hope you cancelled or took DH along for moral support.

Book a nice long holiday for when she is due to start work so you cannot be called upon.

No don't back down, just reiterate what you have said to GD, and tell her bluntly that it is her dh who has to pay to support HIS child, that if he does not, than she has to leave him. YOu will not be enabling her abusive husband to shirk his responsibilities. Don't be swayed.

if she was a true friend she wouldnt even ask. her granchild her responsibility in a way regarding childcare.

I imagine they're going to ask for 'short-term' help

Remember any assistance you offer will mean you're enabling the nasty DH to continue without changing.

You'd actually be participating in her harm.

I seem to read the thread differently in that I don’t really see her as a victim but an entitled and self-centred little madam who expects everyone else to facilitate her flashy lifestyle.

Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes victims of abuse can't see it, and also try to maintain the shreds of their pride by pretending it's all OK.

I hope that OldButStillGotIt manages to have a frank conversation with her friend and her DGD, not about childcare, but about financial abuse.

No short term help, it will not be, and very difficult to get out of, no for any help.

Basically, she's asking her Mum's friend to give up her retirement, so that her DP doesn't have to look after his own child. How incredibly selfish of the two of them.

You seem to have some sympathy for her because her DH is worse, but just think about what she's asking you to give up. Do you think her DH would give up his retirement to look after someone else's kid? lol

I agree that you shouldnt make any concessions, if they find a crack they will exploit it
and that's what they are trying to do...exploit you
Also dont put too much effort into justifying yourself, you dont have to explain why you cant do it, they are the ones who need to justify and explain why they felt it was alright to shoehorn you into this messed up situation

Be strong. You deserve your retirement!

Please do not backtrack on your decision. You have a right to your retirement and you and your husband go off into the sunset and do what you have worked hard for.
Both your GD & her mother are being CF's.
Stay strong.

Half wonders If GD will suggest baby goes on your Holidays with you.

I am flabbergasted. Do not let them talk you round!

OP..you're probably at coffee with.GD & Friend (GD mum) right now.
If they mention childcare and you looking after baby again at this coffee, after you'd said No, you really need ditch them. This isn't a GD DH problem, it's a CF to her Godmother/oldest friend issue. It always has been.

If you were pressured and agreed to anything, change your mind back and text, "I've thought about it and my original No stands
Don't ask me again"

The timing of this urgent coffee with her mother too is suspect. Watch out for other CF requests about how they can use you.
Remember your excitement and your lovely retirement plans with equally lovely DH. Don't let anyone steal those.

I wouldn't be keen to go for the coffee. They may well try a few tactics to get you to change your mind.

If you must go then tell them that your DH will be coming too because he fancied getting out for a bit. That will give you the support you might need to stick to your guns and it might just discourage them from trying anything on with you.

My preference would be to decline the coffee invitation on the grounds that there is no point, because you have no intention of changing your mind.