Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

Don’t do the coffee

Calling someone selfish over this means they can do without the pleasure of your company for a while and the chance to try and twist your arm

Good luck with the meet-up, OP ... I only hope they've both come to terms with what you've said and will use it as a friendly occasion, rather than a chance to "turn the screw" a bit more

I wouldn't go

You're going to be pincer-actioned and double-teamed

Yes, that's what I'd be afraid of ... or even "could you just do such-and-such until we sort it out"

I imagine OP's probably there by now, so as I said, fingers crossed!!

I really really do think they will offer her money. I mean not much obviously...but let's say even if they offered £50 a week, it would still be a tiny fraction of what official child care costs and it will still be financially worthwhile for the gd to go to work...plus they'll be able to say to the op that its not a favour if they're paying her.

Oh dear, I think coffee is a bad idea. Book a nice long holiday

Well I've heard it all now, I really have. I don't know where to start, this entire thing is ridiculous.

How could they possibly think it was reasonable to even ask this much of you at 64? And then to call you selfish. That baby is not your responsibility, why should you be forced into a corner? I imagine that's what they'll try at the coffee today.

To think that pestering you is the way to go instead of sorting out this horrible man who clearly doesn't love your God daughter, well it's all beyond me. If he loved her he wouldn't be able to see her struggling, let alone be the cause of it. Good luck op, don't lose these years you and your dh deserve.

Tell her to stop paying 50% of the bills if he won’t pay 50% of the childcare.

This. She wants you to spend your retirement working so she can continue her facade of a fancy pants life-don’t enable it. I’m actually very cross on your behalf!

Do you think either of them will spend their retirement working free for someone else?!

Oh, crap. They're going to bully you. You should take someone with you or you will leave having been steamrollered into something you don't want to do.

We can all see that your GDs 'D'H is the problem here but, she and your friend are both pretending it's you! Don't accept this bullshit. Keep bringing the issue back to the 'D'H. Why the fuck doesn't he pay for childcare for his own child? Why does he refuse his wife access to money which she has a legal right to? They're married! 'His' money is hers as well! The whole situation is completely bloody nuts and it's absolutely not your fault. In fact, you'd be legitimising his financial abuse if you went along with the whole charade. Bring the 'D'H problem out into the open. They'll probably throw a fit, but I think this friendship sounds beyond saving anyway, to be honest.

YANBU at all! Your friend was way out of order to guilt trip you. Fair enough she asked, but when you clearly said no she should have left it at that. Enjoy your retirement with your DH xx

Even if you wanted to do this I'd say it was too big of a commitment and the potential for falling out seem huge (over how you care for the baby, timings etc.) At the end of the day, it is the responsibility of the parents to figure this out. Don't be talked round.

but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .

She's being outrageousto! If the friendship is ruined, it will be HER fault, not yours.

Imagine if you said yes and she started saying you weren’t doing a very good job. The scope for you to get 1000 times more pissed off is huge!

Why do you think they suddenly want to meet up with you for coffee (unless it's a regular occurrence, of course) if it's not to persuade you to change your mind?

Tread very carefully.

Don't do the coffee and instead send them contact details for Women's Aid as it sounds like the daughter might be being financially abused

Oh they are going to hop on you op about childcare.I can feel it in my waters.

Please bring someone with you as back up.

I hope the goddaughter comes on Mumsnet and can be helped to see her situation more objectively

Coffee is a bad idea. They'll hang up on you, force the child into your arms, turn on the water works, play every emotionally blackmailing card they can think of.
In fact I bet they'll discuss manipulation tactics on the way. It'll start with full time sitting and eventually get down to,
"Well even if you could watch baby for an hour on a Wednesday that'd help"
Once that foots in the door, they'll be ringing you in 'emergencies' etc etc

Stick to your guns.
Offer to help her leave fuck nut of a husband.
Don't offer even an hours sitting.

I really would not meet them for coffee - text them and cancel, say something has come up. There's no way it's going to be an apology!

The only way this can end well is if the friend and her CF daughter buy the OP a nice coffee and a large piece of cake and apologise for being total cows and agree to never mention it again.

Fingers crossed.

I hope the goddaughter comes on Mumsnet and can be helped to see her situation more objectively

MN was asking for ideas for advice clinics and I suggested one for financial coercion and related matters - it sounds like the young woman in this situation might benefit from it.

Bad idea about the coffee. They'll manipulate you. Actually, if I were your h and you agreed to this I'd seriously question the state of our marriage. To me it would be a signal that your friend and her grandchild and their feelings are more important than me and our marriage together and that you didn't have the guts to stick up and put our relationship first for once. I'd also be hugely resentful of a baby and then toddler in my home at that age, it's a huge imposition, particularly when the baby becomes mobile. Remember how you had to constantly watch them and you couldn't have anything out?

I've read the thread and if what GD says is true it is shocking. However, both you and GD are entitled to make lifestyle choices. Yours is to retire and enjoy life with your DH - hers is to retain the trappings of her DH's wealth. Put bluntly, she is asking you to make sacrifices so she doesn't have to. The best thing you can do is tell her to grow a backbone and insist on splitting the childcare 50:50. SO if he asks her for £75 for half the shopping she needs to man up and say - of I'll deduct that from the £250 you owe me for childcare shall I?

You said up-thread that if she were to do this he'd take her car away. Her response should be - oh OK then, I'll need a car for the baby so I'll claim the child benefit - it will almost cover the lease of a small Dacia/Skoda. If he wants her looking the part he's hardly going to want his wife driving round in one of those. etc etc.

I suspect that she doesn't want to have that conversation with him because its difficult. She's therefore chosen to have an awkward conversation with you because she thinks that's the easier option.

The best thing you can do for her as her Godmother is tell her that if she does nothing else she should start feretting around to get hold of copies of his financial information - bank statements, investment accounts, payslips, tax returns, whatever as one day she will either wake up and leave him or he will decide that she no longer looks the part and he dumps her for a newer (younger) model.

Oh dear, here come the 'big guns'.

Stay strong.