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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
GhostSauce · 26/11/2018 10:34

Meeting for a coffee sounds like a bad idea. It sounds like you're going to be guilted.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/11/2018 10:34

I think I would but I am the type ( I have done it in the past ) when presented with a dilemma I have actually announced the predicament to the entire cafe and taken a vote on whether I was being unreasonable. So anyone who knows me knows I am unpredictable and could end up airing their dirty laundry in public.

(I was a teen at the time but I think I would still do it today.)

cstaff · 26/11/2018 10:35

Be very careful that she doesn't talk you around. She sounds desperate right now and will probably try to manipulate you or guilt trip you into part time or emergency days but don't let her get around you.

Remember you have worked long and hard and deserve a happy and relaxing retirement.

arranfan · 26/11/2018 10:36

Only meet for a coffee if your DH or similar can attend.

You're going to be pincer-actioned and double-teamed. As PP have said, it will start with helping out and basic cover and then escalate.

A friend wouldn't persist in this manner. I'm so sorry that they're doing this.

CharltonLido73 · 26/11/2018 10:40

I wouldn't meet up with them, if I were you - unless you know you will be able to be very firm in the face of continued wheedling for childcare.

CharltonLido73 · 26/11/2018 10:42

I've recently retired and I'm four years younger than you - you've really earned it! It's outrageous that they are putting this pressure on you.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/11/2018 10:45

It might be friend wants you to meet up with her dd so a 3rd party can convince her dd that her husband is financially abusive.

If it is to convince you to cover her dhs short comings then you just leave as there is nothing to discuss.

They both know your answer on the subject

fieryginger · 26/11/2018 10:49

Don't be guilted OP. Stand firm. They are being extremely unreasonable.

Schoolchoicesucks · 26/11/2018 10:52

Op, you've said that they don't claim child benefit. I'm assuming that is because he is a high earner, rather than her (as she will struggle to pay childcare). I believe she should still be able to claim it, just that he will have to pay an equivalent tax charge. Doing this might help your god-daughter fund the nursery place.

nowshesaturtle · 26/11/2018 10:52

The arsehole DH is wealthy and so is your god daughter in terms of belongings and lifestyle, even if she hasn't got disposable cash. They want to stay that way by leaning on other people to provide services for free.

Screw that OP. And I blame your god daughter as much as her husband, really. Stand firm. It's outrageous.

And your poor DH, if his retirement plans with you go up in smoke.

PuppyMonkey · 26/11/2018 10:53

Stay away from that coffee shop OP.Confused

MrsJayy · 26/11/2018 10:53

Her trade off fir having designer gear and afancy house is to scuttle about begging for childcare she is scared she is going to lose her status And lifestyle her mother is just as bad stay strong OP don't crumble it isn't your concern .

Thankyounext · 26/11/2018 10:55

Start as you mean to go on and say you are busy today!

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 26/11/2018 10:55

Agree with Arranfan, bring your husband or DD with you if you decide to meet them for coffee.

badirene · 26/11/2018 10:59

GD has replied to my text and apologised but has asked to meet for coffee later with my friend

Red alert OP! Bring someone for moral support as they may try to pressure you. If they do just sit tight and think about the lovely long lie-in you could have as a retired lady of leisure on a cold winter morning.
Think of the cold drink on a warm afternoon in the sunshine, just your husband by your side.
Think of the excitement of throwing a few things into a suitcase on a Wednesday afternoon as you just decide on a break for no reason at all. Hold all that excitement and pleasure near and don't give in to these two CF's.

Bluelady · 26/11/2018 11:00

I'm a year older than you, OP, and I'd rather eat my own liver than provide childcare. You've worked all your life and brought up your own family, this is your time. The window for you and your husband to have fun and enjoy your retirement may be small, given he's ten years older than you. Time to be selfish, no real friend would ask this of you.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/11/2018 11:01

I think it was extreme CF-ery to ask TBH, let alone to accuse you of selfishness, and I say that as a granny who's done regular childcare for 1st Gdc in the past, and I still do one-offs/emergencies for two.

However much you love them, babies and small children are exhausting when you're no longer used to it, not to mention not as young as you were.

And any regular commitment is going to be a tie. One of the best things about retirement is being able to go away at short notice, just because you feel like it/have seen a great deal somewhere - you can't do that if someone's depending on you for childcare
Please stick to your guns, and don't allow your 'friend' to make you feel bad.

Limpetry · 26/11/2018 11:01

when presented with a dilemma I have actually announced the predicament to the entire cafe and taken a vote on whether I was being unreasonable

I like the idea of the entire population of the local Starbucks crying 'What a cheek!' and 'Don't even think about it!' Grin

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/11/2018 11:09

It was more like Joes Cafe😀

Limpetry · 26/11/2018 11:12

But did Joe's Cafe agree with you, oliversmum?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/11/2018 11:20

If it was your own Grandchild. I'd be saying. YAB a tad U to not help out now and again. However in this case
"No you're not being unreasonable. 5 month old babies are bloody hard work. Its not like its a 7 year old where there's no minding to them.
I look after my nephew one day a week. Hes 15 months old. He's delicious but He's damn hard work and I'm 20 years younger than you.
Also what's her mother (your friend) doing. Can't she step up.
Don't get me wrong it might be okay for an hour or 2_once every other blue moon, but Not every day!!!! ThatS abusing a persons good And kind nature.

twoshedsjackson · 26/11/2018 11:26

Oliversmumsarmy, I take my hat off to you! Your dragging of an issue into the glare of common view is something I wish I could dare to do! I can recall situations where I would have loved to be so brave!
A reputation as "one of the awkward squad" can be a useful thing.....
As I type this, it's morning coffee time; I hope, if you decided to go, you took moral support along. I think PP's suggestion of printing off the Guardian letter is excellent. Give them something to take away and think about.
Let's hope that being made to articulate out loud in public the half-formed notions swimming round her head will bring home to your friend and her daughter the utter ridiculousness of the suggestion.
If DH is able to accompany you, would it give her pause for thought to repeat in front of him the changes she proposes to make to his life? It might make it more real. I'm not suggesting for a moment that you are "wee wifie deferring to hubbie", but he's a real person who comes into the equation!
They have some uncomfortable realities to face; you can offer your support and sympathy, even suggest realistic ways forward, but you have to be firm about not enabling this toxicity.

Merryoldgoat · 26/11/2018 11:40

I’ve not experienced anything like your GD’s situation, but I do know that I’d make it clear that the only solution is to leave and that he placing more value on material possessions than her liberty will damage her child.

He’s disgusting. Her refusal to deal with it is ridiculous.

NoSquirrels · 26/11/2018 11:45

I hope the coffee with them both clears the air. You have done well saying your piece and advising you won’t be an option for childcare.

Tell her to stop paying 50% of the bills if he won’t pay 50% of the childcare.

Tell her to claim child benefit and let her husband sort it out in his tax return.

Tell her your DH is horrified that her DH won’t contribute to his own child. Say how upset and distressed your DH has been by all this - some people find it easy to dismiss older women but hearing a man thinks it is despicable behaviour cuts through...

Sheitgeist · 26/11/2018 11:52

Oh, OP, don't go for that coffee!
They only want to pressure and harangue you into agreeing to at least some childcare, knowing that it'll be two against one and it's more difficult to say no in a face to face situation. Invent a sudden emergency!
Do not give up your well earned retirement for anyone.