Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

What a mess. You are right to have said no, to do this would make you complicit in the DHs continued financial abuse.

All you can do is keep offering support to DG to leave.

Stay firm. This is the most dangerous time. It's easier to be tough when you are being insulted but now your friend is worrying it's easy to be drawn into trying to help
Your GD seems willing to sacrifice her happiness for a big house and to look like a success so she needs to sort out her priorities

I'm appalled that in 2018 there's a woman out there choosing to live with a cunt just because he's got a flash house and good job.

I'd rather be penniless and with someone supportive and loving. All the material shit in the world can't fill an empty heart.

But none of that is OPs problem. GD has more than made her bed, she's picked it from IKEA, assembled it, put the mattress on, sorted the bedding and strapped herself too it. Till that changes, not much you can do OP.

This is so sexist. Would any man about to retire be expected to provide free child care for a God child? This whole scenario is outrageous, you have worked hard for your retirement, enjoy it!

I am glad that you sent that letter, I think in her heart or hearts your friend knows you are right. Your goddaughter will never see the situation if people around her are enabling her abusive dh. Cattenberg that letter from the guardian sounds a bit like dh, however I am a stay at home mum, and have my own bank account, where he pays money into each month, and all my disability and CB benefits are in as well, so I have control of those. The situation is fine, I can afford nice things which is good, but he is old fashioned like his Mediterranean dad. I prefer my own bank account as i am much freer than if it was joint, and i would have to justify every spend.

Not much of a friend really. You'll feel conned if you do but sad to lose a friend if you don't. I'd rather feel sad - I'm too old to care for people who clearly don't care about me.

Wow, her DH is a prize prick! I’m sure most people, if they could afford it, would rather a parent of the baby look after them than have them palmed off to a third-party so they can go back to work.

Oldbutstillgotit. I have a friend who's father also opted out, leaving the family badly off financially. When she started dating and then married a man who was, as even she described him, mean with money, it didn't raise any red flags for her. He earned twice what she did but she was so used to having to manage and her pride had never allowed her take anything from anyone that she didn't really understand that he was being financially abusive when that started (after the baby was born). Hell, she didn't even know there was such a thing!

It may seem like DGD is choosing a 'lifestyle' but that might be overly simplistic. She may, like my friend, see this as perfectly reasonable or at least justifiable because she doesn't know any better so from her POV she doesn't see it as a reason to leave. Yet.

It took a long time for my df to see it, it happened slowly. She started noticing how other couples did things, she picked up on the fleeting looks of surprise when she mentioned paying her husband back for holidays or that he'd loaned her money for something for the child . She started asking trusted friends whether her situation was normal, was this what we and our husbands did. I'm one of those friends and I answered honestly. I won't pretend she left immediately but her eyes were opened and she started to really notice. She also gradually noticed that people who are mean with money in this way are often also mean emotionally. They split when her dc was 3 and she is so much happier now.

I know that was really long sorry and it's nothing at all to do with the childcare situation (for the love of god you need to stick to your guns on that) but I just wanted to say that while DGD won't leave right now, in time her eyes will hopefully be opened so you and her mum shouldn't give up hope.

Absolutely not your problem!! Your own grandchild... maybe... if you live locally... But the daughter of your friend? No chance!

YANBU! At all! Your friend is being outrageous.

I've now read the full thread and it's even more outrageous than I thought. Your DGodchild is expecting you to work for free - essentially funding her extravagant lifestyle because she's unwilling to reign it in or ltb.

What I don't understand is, if she is low paid how does she pay half the bills, half of the grocery shopping and everything else and still afford designer clothes and lifestyle?

Is it the case that she has to pay bills but that he gives her the car/clothes etc? And luxury holidays? Are you sure you have the full picture because it doesn't really stack up. She is beside herself with worry because she is not going to have a new handbag, not because she won't be able to feed her child.

She needs a massive reality check and if you are the one to give it to her then you are being the best Godmother in the world!

He is being a twunt of course but she needs to take responsibility for the situation.

@ClownsSleepCantEatMe and @ladymacmuff you both raised interesting points ( as have many people but I am still wading through everything!). He does LEND her money for example a holiday a couple of years ago that she had to pay back her share . He buys things like designer clothes etc as she has to always look The Part . Does that make sense ?
Anyway the update is that GD has replied to my text and apologised but has asked to meet for coffee later with my friend . I don’t work on a Monday so have agreed but advised her that I won’t change my mind .

Anyway the update is that GD has replied to my text and apologised but has asked to meet for coffee later with my friend . I don’t work on a Monday so have agreed but advised her that I won’t change my mind

Please let us know how that goes!

Op...whatever you do, don't say that you don't want to do 'free childcare'....just say 'childcare' or otherwise I bet they'll start offering you peanuts money.

Be strong, OP. Stick to your guns. Remember, YANBU!

The OH of GD may or may not be financially abusive. But it is hard to muster up full sympathy for anyone whose choice to remain with such a partner is driven by such materialistic greed. That shows quite a weak and rather self-centred attitude, which is clearly reflected in her astonishingly cheeky assumption that her godmother would provide free childcare for her sprog. That is utterly deluded and presumptuous. I seem to read the thread differently in that I don’t really see her as a victim but an entitled and self-centred little madam who expects everyone else to facilitate her flashy lifestyle. And OP’s friend seems to have raised her to be that cheeky with very similar ridiculous attitude. Whether the OH contributes to childcare costs is really immaterial to OP, many couples find themselves in exactly the same situation with childcare swallowing the lion share of income. This does not mean anyone else, especially non-related people have any obligation to provide free babysitting services, especially in such a sexist and presumptuous manner.

Could you consider printing out the Guardian letter or the financial abuse questionaire referred to by PP ( Not sure if someone found a link) and giving it to her?
It would clearly make the point that you think she is financially abused , and you need to tell her that you will not enable it. However as PP have said- does she enjoy the life style he gives and will tolerate his strange approach and expects you to enable it

I suspect she is panicking and seeing her cash cow starting to fade away.

I bet she will ask you to ‘just’ commit to one or two days a week so she can start saving to leave him (or save for a holiday, whichever is the highest priority). Or to be on standby for emergency childcare and then never arrange anything else.

Be careful!

I find the idea that the goddaughter has asked to meet you for coffee along with her mother potentially manipulative OK, she might simply want to apologise, but she could apologise by herself, she doesn't need her mother with her. Call me cynical, but I think this might be a last-ditch attempt to emotionally blackmail you into agreeing, if not to be a FT childminder for the baby, then to agree to a day a week, or to 'occasional' days which might, of course, turn into far more.

I think I'd have said I was busy, and didn't want to hear another word on the subject.

They're going to badger and badger and badger you OP in the hope that you'll take pity on your GD and cave in. You'd better take your flak jacket. Good luck!

I would be making it very clear that her relationship is not normal.
Couples who love each other and have chosen a life together and have children together don’t behave in this way.

What she is describing is an abusive relationship.

Part of the abuse is the designer gear and looking the part. Which is just another way of. covering up the abuse.

Like someone paying for makeup to cover up bruises. The clothes are covering up that your friend is being financially abused.

What her and her husband present to the world is not real. It is a false image of a couple who have it all but strip away the veneer they don’t even have a loving relationship.

I think your friends dd needs to hear that she is the “clothes horse” wife who is replaceable at any moment and leaving on her terms might be an adjustment but staying and getting dumped will be much worse for her in the long run as when he dumps her he will have had the chance to hide any money she would have been entitled to.

I absolutely wouldn't meet for coffee with them both. The only reason they'd want to do that is to pressure you.
In fact there is absolutely no purpose in meeting as you have made clear what you will do. Steer clear.

X-post with Holiday.

Watch out, OP. Hold firmly to the thought that these people, however fond of them you are, also think that your time is so unvaluable to you that you would celebrate your retirement by taking on a demanding FT job FOR FREE.

My prediction is that she will try to offer you money in return for child care...I mean a very small amount...but it will still be cheaper than paying for proper child care.

And Dave.