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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
arranfan · 25/11/2018 23:32

YANBU - and your god daughter has some substantial problems in her relationship that need to be worked out with her DH as has the stench of financial coercion.

Your friend had a nerve to ask. She's making matters worse by persisting and I've no idea what she wants as an outcome. It would have been better if she'd accepted your refusal graciously but she didn't.

Even if you gave way through emotional coercion, what sort of friendship would that be?

Your friend chose to throw away your friendship by making a completely unreasonable request and refusing to accept your response.

arranfan · 25/11/2018 23:35

Agh - I don't know why all of the additional posts and updates didn't load for me.

I'm pleased to read that your response was received appropriately.

Miscible · 25/11/2018 23:36

You may be doing your god daughter a favour, given that if you had provided child care it would have helped her to continue to close her eyes to her husband's massive failure. She is now in the position where she must at some stage confront the reality that her problem stems from her husband and nowhere else. If you can, try to get it through to her that she now has to put her child ahead of material possessions, and of course that her husband will still have to maintain his child even if or when they do split up.

Meredith12 · 25/11/2018 23:40

Haven't read whole thread so may repeating but would you not need to be a registered CM with not being related. Can that not be used as an excuse.

I was put in a similar position recently where I was asked to care for someone's DM and i said no. It's hard but it's better in the long run.

caringcarer · 25/11/2018 23:42

I understand you probably love your dgd but really this is such an imposition. In your place I think I might say something to her dh. They are the parents and it is their responsibility to look after their children. Clearly if she has no childcare your dgd may have to stay home with her dc and let her dh pay for his family. This is not your problem. You say your dh has waited a long time for you to retire and travel with him and enjoy your time together. Make the most of that and possibly offer one day each month for childcare.

MoaningSickness · 25/11/2018 23:47

You definitely did the right thing op. Even if you wanted to do free childcare I wouldn't in this circumstance. I did wonder if desperation to help her daughter was behind your friends odd behaviour.

Very sad to hear she is trying to do some of the childcare herself. The best thing she could do for her daughter is to not prop up this financially abusive relationship. The daughter needs a divorce and maintenance, but sadly doesn't see it, and won't as long as other people step in to make up for the husband.

PerspicaciaTick · 25/11/2018 23:50

Perhaps the paternal grandparents could offer to do some childcare?

SavageBeauty73 · 25/11/2018 23:53

Do these people exist? No way. Tell your friend to fuck off

YourWinter · 25/11/2018 23:55

Your friend has ruined this long-standing friendship by making such an incredibly unreasonable request - and to then continue to pressure you after you have declined, is beyond the pale.

Do stick to your guns OP. Your GD is responsible for sorting out childcare and must have thought of this before deciding to have a baby. You will be hard pressed to get out of the arrangement if you agree to it even short-term. It is not your problem, don't let them guilt-trip you into a decision that will impact hugely on you and your DH, and that you are sure to regret.

DistanceCall · 26/11/2018 00:00

You have absolutely done the right thing. Your life is your life, your time is your time, and your friend and her daughter were incredibly rude and overbearing.

And perhaps this will be the push your GD needs in order to leave her abusive husband. If you had accepted, you would have been propping the entire situation up.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/11/2018 00:05

You would be doing better to help, support and advise her in getting rid of her abusive husband. Tell your friend that you will not 'help' maintain your god-daughter's abusive marriage.

StoppinBy · 26/11/2018 00:19

I think it depends on whether you got ahead in your own life because of Grandparents minding your own children to be honest.

Both mine and my husbands Grandparents (in particular Grandmothers) were 'free babysitters' to our parents so they could work and bring an income to the family. Now we have our own children and two sets of Grandparents who even if retired would not be willing to do the same for us.

If that's the case then yes it is selfish. You have every right to say no but yes it is.

Holidayshopping · 26/11/2018 00:22

I think it depends on whether you got ahead in your own life because of Grandparents minding your own children to be honest.

Hmm but the OP did mind her own grandchildren!!

StoppinBy · 26/11/2018 00:24

Just read through your following replies. Sorry I read it as your Granddaughter not as your god daughter.

That changes things, no you do not owe your god daughter anything.

Also where does her Husband expect her to get her 50% of the bills? He is a down right D Head.

StoppinBy · 26/11/2018 00:25

@holidayshopping apologies, I read the [pst as 'Grand daughter', not God daughter.

SandyY2K · 26/11/2018 00:36

I'm not sure why pp are so suprised GD is staying with him.

Women stay in relationships with serial cheats and violent men...despite being told to leave.

She's chosing this life...It's hers to live with.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/11/2018 01:13

So if I understand, she's choosing to stay because she doesn't want to lose her 'lifestyle' rather than from fear or gaslighting? Fair enough then, that's her choice and subjecting herself to his treatment is part of the deal. I don't have a problem with someone choosing to put up with shit because of the money/lifestyle, but don't ask me to sympathize. You pays (or gets) your money, you takes your chances.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 26/11/2018 03:34

The updates about the god daughter's situation (doesn't want to give up the lifestyle) make her seem even less sympathetic. I'd try not to worry too much about her. If things get bad enough, she'll leave. It sounds like she's already looking out for her own best interest-- only in a twisted, superficial way.

As for your friend's "apology", it's still strange that she thought your lack of concrete plans (or her lack of knowledge of them) meant you'd be happy to take on such an exhausting task for free (and for the foreseeable future). Seems more like a thrown-together excuse than a legitimate explanation/misunderstanding.

If you value the friendship and want it to continue, you're wise to forgive her and move on, but it does seem like it was just the best face-saving excuse she could come up with after the embarrassment of being called out on trying to take advantage of you.

Blondebakingmumma · 26/11/2018 05:15

YANBU

it’s not your fault that your GD has married a financially abusive man.

Beetlebum1981 · 26/11/2018 05:32

Your GD needs to leave her husband and her mother needs to help her do that. It's such a sad predicament to be in but the one good thing that could come from this is that she begins to see him as the abusive person he is and leaves him.

TAMS71 · 26/11/2018 06:07

Christ almighty the bare faced cheek of it!!! How dare she! She needs to go to room 101...

Madmarchpear · 26/11/2018 06:41

Yanbu. I run a toddler group that is full of reluctant, bitter grandparents that have been emotionally blackmailed into raising their children's children.

brookshelley · 26/11/2018 06:49

I am appalled that your friend would ask you to do this, and even with her apology I would be inclined in your shoes to distance myself.

This is all just a plaster over a wound, if her DH has money but is forcing her to work and not contributing to the childcare costs then she is in a financially abusive relationship. Even if you help that dynamic isn't going to change.

NicoAndTheNiners · 26/11/2018 06:55

Tell your friend to pack in work and look after her GC and that she's selfish if she doesn't! 🤔

juneau · 26/11/2018 07:05

Well if the DH, ie the father of this baby, is wealthy then he can bloody well step up and pay childcare for his child if he wants his wife to work. CF both of them expecting you to provide free childcare so she can return to work to please him. I'm glad you emailed your friend and her DD - this is not your problem to sort out.