Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

@topseyt, I agree about abuse . I am firmly of the belief GD is being financially and emotionally abused but the baby is well cared for .

I wonder if she thought having a baby together would magically make him a nicer person & less selfish

It’s a very sad situation all round but it’s her responsibility to sort it out.

Funny how having a lot of money makes some people meaner then those without

She has spoken to her DD who is now very upset and worried

But not actually worried enough to do anything more concrete that pressuring randomers into free childcare.

@Oldbutstillgotit, what you wrote about your god-daughter's marriage reminds me of the letter below. Could this be your GD in four years' time?

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/sep/07/letter-to-old-fashioned-husband

Maybe point GD towards MN and the relationships board, she may well seek advice or vent to those who can make her see her relationship is abusive.

And no YANBU to enjoy your retirement. My MIL said that she didn't know how she found time to work once she was retired. Her and FIL were always off somewhere or out somewhere, it was lovely to hear of their adventures.

And yes, I agree with others that any assistance you offer that isn’t either a divorce lawyer or the WA phone number will just prop up an untenable situation.

Long standing friendship will be ruined over that! That friend is no friend to you. Stick to your guns. Tell her, No, and mean it. You don’t need to make excuses. Many of us find it hard to say No. Then we are cross with ourselves for being taken advantage off again. Sometimes we do have to drop a friend. Not all friendships last forever!

I am glad you aren’t sacrificing you well earned retirement to feed into this marriage between these two very selfish people. I am sorry but I have lost any sympathy for your god daughter. She is happy for you to sacrifice your retirement so she can live in a flash house and show off to her friends.

Horrible vapid couple.

You, on the other hand, sound lovely. Enjoy your retirement!

What a cheeky fucker... She's the selfish one, if she's that worried about it why doesn't she do it?

You are not obliged to do any childcare for anyone, it's up to you how you wish to spend your retirement. I would tell her to get a grip and if she's that bothered then she does it or her DD actually sorts out the weird situation with her DH.

I feel sick for your GD and the situation she is in. No wonder her mother is beside herself. But you cannot become an enabler who makes it possible for them to pretend that there is nothing wrong and it is very wrong that they have put you in the position of having to make that decision. And they plan to allow a child to grow up in that toxic environment?

Perhaps by being absolutely clear that their relationship is entirely fucked up and beyond normal, might give your GD pause for thought. Maybe she won't be able to pretend to herself that it is all, sort of, OK.

If the mention of "free childcare" comes up again, you could also point out that it would be even less than free!
A friend of mine was a registered childminder. Because she was looking after non-related children, she (quite rightly) had to get DBS clearance (not sure of the fee, but not free) and was also registered with OFSTED, was checked out by them, and had to keep up relevant documentation as any other educational establishment might, plus having her premises checked, H&S etc. She has now "phased out" her non-related "regulars" and replaced, as they got past the "minded stage", with her own grandchildren.
Apart from the CFery of the original assumption, I don't suppose any of that had occurred to your friend.
It sounds heartless to say that your GD has to face reality, but propping up an already untenable situation will only make the inevitable crash worse when it comes; I suspect that, in her heart of hearts, your friend knows this, and their assumption was a way of avoiding the confronting of the unpleasant reality.

The fact you've been abused in an email being called selfish would be the end of it for me.

This is incredible she would even ask you. I am shocked at how cheeky/rude/unreasonable she has been! Good luck and go enjoy your well earned retirement!

Gd should claim child benefit because she will get credits towards her pension. Her husband will have to pay tax. They should go to relate to help her see what is going on. No one should do childcare unless they want to

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I 100% would say no too. Don't let her grind you down, they are not your responsibility.

No child benefit

Wtf isn't she claiming it
Ok he'd need to pay the same back in tax but it would mean more cash in her pocket. And he can more than afford to pay it. If he won't pay for his child via normal channels then she can get money out of him via HMRC.

It's easy to put email addresses on a block list.

@cattenberg that letter sent a shiver down my spine .
Thank you for all the support. That , plus a large G and T have made me feel much better .
Roll on retirement.

Do you ever get to meet his family? I’d let them all know how badly he’s treating his partner financially. Embarrassment may help

wow ...no way op. If it is 'selfish' to work your whole life and then want a bit of time for travel and other plans before real old age sets in ...then I am all for a bit of selfishness. Of course you are not being selfish op. Your friend is being selfish in wanting to scupper your plans for the benefit of her family.

Enjoy yourself while you can. We all secretly ...or openly ...yearn for that freedom that is coming your way when in throes of full time working life and childrearing ext.

Your turn has come op. Lots of people don't make it. Appreciate this time and do exactly what you want with it. Enjoy your retirement.

If it’s the money she’s into, she would probably be better off divorcing him with a settlement of more than half the value of the house and child maintenance than living on £20 a week.

“@cattenberg that letter sent a shiver down my spine .”

Thank goodness she is leaving him.

Badly titled though: he isn’t an ‘old fashioned ‘ husband, he is a selfish, misogynist, abusuve husband.

Wow. You aren't selfish at all. My mum retired 12 months ago she's 55 and she doesn't even babysit my daughter whilst I'm at work I pay for childcare. My mum's worked for 40 years it's her time to put her feet up and relax..

If your god daughter's finances are that bad she should never have had a child!

no youre not being selfish it is youre godaughter why cant the grandmother do the childcare it is called retirement for a reason you didnt ask her to get pregnant. Very cheeky and rude of her wants you to look after goddaughter whilst she has her retirement. stand firm and stick to youre guns.

DH insists she works but thinks she should find a better paid job which was s why he won’t pay.

What an arse! What pay does he think that she should earn and what job has she accepted? Why does he want her to work so badly if he is massively well off?