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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

966 replies

Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 14:31

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 22:03

@dollymixture22. My friend hates the situation but her DD is adamant she is not leaving . Her DH is an arrogant, boorish arse but she can’t ( or won’t) see it.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 25/11/2018 22:03

Why won't she leave?
What threats are there?
She can just go to her mum.s.
What is stopping her?
She can then see lawyers divorce etc
Enabl8ng her to stay is not helping the gd

Cherrysherbet · 25/11/2018 22:04

YANBU. You have earned your retirement, and I hope you enjoy it.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 25/11/2018 22:04

I am glad your friend apologised. Surely she understands that even if you were to provide childcare, all that is doing is reinforcing that her dh’s actions are acceptable, and as another poster pointed out, then you would all be colluding in this abhorrent behaviour. I hope she does see it this way as I think that encouraging her daughter to stand up to him is the most effective way out of this trap. Enjoy your retirement!

AlexaAmbidextra · 25/11/2018 22:04

........and honestly thought I would help as I hadn’t indicated any firm retirement plans

This is such an outrageous assumption to make. So what if you hadn’t indicated any firm plans? Even if you plan to lie on the sofa scoffing chocolate and binge-watching box sets all day your friend has absolutely no right to have any expectations whatsoever.

rosablue · 25/11/2018 22:04

While it's great that the friend has apologised, it's horrific to think that your gd is with somebody who is well paid but financially abusing her after having their child. SadAngry

Definitely worth trying to get her to do the financial abuse questionnaire if you can (hopefully somebody else on here can remember exactly which corner of the internet it lurks on!), even if it's just enough to get her to talk to her dh to try to get more money towards childcare.

Is she able to get child benefit or has he told her not to because he will have to pay it back if he's high earning? if he is this controlling she needs to get it and squirrel it away, leave him to pay the tax on it. Important because it means she will be getting her NI covered otherwise she won't and will be screwed again further down the line.

Even if she doesn't claim it she needs to ensure she has registered to not get it but still get her NI covered, but better to have the money and him pay the tax.

Worrying thing is that if he is a higher earner and it sounds like he is an entitled prick, then chances are that he will spend on things like food, meals out, keeping the heating warm etc because he has plenty of money so can afford to pay for nicer things and higher bills - but expect your gd to pay her 'fair share' half even though she doesn't have the same income to start with, plus extra expense of the childcare Sad.

Original poster
Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 22:04

No , GD is not making this up. I have met her DH many times .

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 25/11/2018 22:05

Do you think he could be abusive towards the child. The refusal to pay for childcare would suggest an emotional detachment - and potentially emotional abuse??

Winterishere2018 · 25/11/2018 22:05

It’s you're friends grandchild not yours if she’s struggling for childcare then her own mother should volunteer herself not her friend. I’m astonished she had a go at you for being selfish Cheeky fuckery at the finest.

category12 · 25/11/2018 22:05

Does he want to force her into being a sahm with no income of her own? I hope your GD sees sense and leaves him.

I think your friend would be making a mistake to drop a day at work to support this mess, although I can see why she would.

CottonTailRabbit · 25/11/2018 22:10

Ah well, she goes back to work makes only £20 a week profit but is building a career and an outside life. All good steps towards eventually deciding she has had enough and leaving.

trojanpony · 25/11/2018 22:11

Honestly, given your friends response she sounds like she was desperate and not thinking straight.
I would consider calling/seeing her and talking to her about this more. She was a very good friend and so it's worth trying to help by challenging her on whether she wants to/should give up a day to facilitate this abuse.

By doing this she is helping/enabling her child staying in an abusive relationship which isn't good.
The sooner your goddaughter "bottoms out" and her situation becomes financially unsustainable the better really.

It's a difficult situation all round.

RandomMess · 25/11/2018 22:14

Perhaps the poverty will him your DGD see sense Sad

Horrific that she can't see how wrong his behaviour is.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/11/2018 22:15

My friend hates the situation but her DD is adamant she is not leaving

Then that's her choice to make Hmm

I'm afraid I wouldn't be over-impressed with the "apology" either. If the request had been made on a quick, foolish impulse that would be one thing, but it was just an extension of something they'd already planned without even having the courtesy to speak with you

Put it all behind you and have a wonderful retirement Flowers

CharlieandRabbit · 25/11/2018 22:17

Walk away OP. They are being CFs. Your friend could look after her own gd if it was so important.

WTFpeople · 25/11/2018 22:17

I haven't read the entire thread, but has anyone mentioned does your GD's DH's family help at all with childcare?

Why on earth did she have a baby with this man? Shock Didn't she wonder how she would afford a baby in this type of situation? Has she been brainwashed?

Your friend needs to be putting the 'pressure' on her DD and the bastard SIL NOT on you. Perhaps you not helping out with the childcare will be the wake up call this woman needs to leave her husband.

AvoidingDM · 25/11/2018 22:18

I think friend sounds desperate and worried about GD. I'm glad she apologised and that has salvaged your friendship.

GD certainty needs help to see the abuse she is under. I hope she has the sense to keep claiming Child Benefit even if it means he pays it from his tax. Thats why it's set up that way. That alone should mean she is getting more than £20 in her pocket. If she has any sense she will be working on her 'escape' fund hidden in a separate bank.

user1483644229 · 25/11/2018 22:20

No no no no and no. Your friend was very much out of order to ask you and then continue to pressurise you. Your retirement is your own time and frankly unless this was your own grandchild then they should absolutely not be asking you. Even if it was your own grandchild you would be very entitled to say no. You have done your graft in life - now go and enjoy your well deserved rest and travels.

Original poster
Oldbutstillgotit · 25/11/2018 22:21

As I said earlier , I am reluctant to discuss GD’s finances as I am concerned it all might be a bit identifying however some facts are - her DH is wealthy ( family money ). Fabulous house, designer clothes , nice car ( appearances are everything) and GD is not willing to give this up. DH insists she works but thinks she should find a better paid job which was s why he won’t pay. No Child Benefit . It’s a bizarre, horrible situation. He isn’t overly interested in the baby but I really don’t think there is abuse towards her.

OP posts:
KeiTeNgeNge · 25/11/2018 22:21

I am glad you stood firm

Petalflowers · 25/11/2018 22:26

It looks like your friend sent out her email Without really thinking what she was writing. I’m glad she has apologised and you have made up.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 22:26

I would NOT be getting involved in any way with this young woman's marriage/financial situation, her Mother is there for her. Step back OP for your own sake. Flowers

HollowTalk · 25/11/2018 22:28

I think this is one of those situations where your GD has to live with her acceptance of the relationship. You and her mum have done what you can to help her and she's pointblank ignoring you both. Don't bail her out in any way - that applies to you and her mum. She needs to face the reality of her situation. She won't be able to cope and it'll be hard to watch but she has to want to leave. Nobody can do it for her.

Topseyt · 25/11/2018 22:32

Abuse doesn't have to be physical violence. It can be financial and psychological. It is still abuse.

roundaboutthetown · 25/11/2018 22:36

Time for your dgd to face up to the facts - her dh is abusive and she is passing the problem on to others rather than dealing with it. Do not enable this dysfunctional relationship - it is not a good way to bring up a child. If she wants her child properly cared for, she would be far better off divorcing her dh than blackmailing friends and family.