Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

Wow can’t believe what I’ve just read. How ridiculous!
OP I really hope you get an apology from the friend but I think it’s unlikely.
Enjoy your retirement and start making some plans for enjoying your time with DH!

No, my mum is 65 and wouldn't mind looking after my 5 year old but at this age and health I feel she shouldn't have to. YADNBU, to decline childcare. Enjoy and use your time how you prefer.

This brings to my mind one of MN's favourite sayings, 'the worn no is a full sentence'. A real friend would respect that and not try to make you feel that you're in the wrong.

Misread your post, and you are definitely definitely NBU, you've done your GM childcare duties.

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse.

I don’t really understand. Is your friend still working? Even if so, why isn’t she prepared to take one for the team and reduce her hours/retire to be available for her daughter?

I don't understand why if he helped create this child he isn't willing to pay for childcare. Surely if your DG has to pay towards the house hold bills he should pay towards childcare?

YANBU at all - you aren’t responsible for her decision to have a child she can’t afford! And they are bloody awful for trying to manipulate you into it.

Am I right that your god-daughter is married to a man who won’t pay for childcare for his own kid?! That is nuts.

I would be inclined to think you should not meet up with this "friend" for now. Certainly not in the near future. There is a high chance of her making another attempt to talk you round.

I would cool the relationship considerably for the foreseeable future and keep your distance from her. You need to be sure that she has got the message and isn't going to try to guilt trip you again.

I am gobsmacked by your "friend's" actions.

Looks like they were always planning on you being the free childcare option which is proper CF land!

By saying NO it may actually force DG into action.

You are not selfish and you are not responsible for choices made by your GD.

Not sure they really are your friend's...

Hello again, I emailed my friend using suggestions from here. I said I was hurt and disappointed that she said I was selfish . I also asked why she and/or her DD had not thought to speak to me months ago. I also said that I am not leaving a stressful job to take on looking after a baby.
She has replied and apologised for calling me selfish . She said she is beside herself with worry and honestly thought I would help as I hadn’t indicated any firm retirement plans . She has spoken to her DD who is now very upset and worried . Her DH point blank refuses to contribute even though he has a very well paid job.
My friend agrees that the DH is the problem but we both know her DD will not leave.
It ended with my friend saying she will consider if she can drop a day at work today help.
I have also sent a text to GD urging her to consider whether she really wants to live like this. No reply as yet.

What a cheek to even ask. I think you must be a kind person for them to assume you'd do this.

Your friend was out of order to say you're selfish...she is.

People who have kids need to sort out childcare themselves...I wouldn't assume my own mum would do it...talk less of someone else.

The height of cheek from the both of them.

A 5 month old! Good grief.

Well glad she has apologised .

It might take till she cannot pay for milk for the baby to realise what he is like.

Are they married ?

Cheeky effing mare!!!
That is unbelievable.
Stand your ground OP.

This is all very strange. Your god daughter and her mother seem to accept this behaviour, and are very open about it. Why are they relaxed about bringing a baby up in this abusive and bizarre environment?

Does the dad know they are begging family friends to do childcare for free because he refuses to contribute to the cost of his family? It all seeems so bizarre - is he hugely abusive or are they making this up to get a free ride?

What else is this man doing to abuse this girl and their baby?

I'm glad she has apologised. I can only imagine that she was acting out of desperation, though this in no way excuses it. I just can't get my head around the fact that he is not willing to pay for childcare.

That's an encouraging update. Stick to your guns.

I do hope that your friend's DD can find the strength and support she needs to CV leave her abusive twat if a husband.

@starlight345. Yes she is married . He does all the shopping ( she pays 50% ) so buys baby milk .

honestly thought I would help as I hadn’t indicated any firm retirement plans

I wonder if, in your efforts to be tactful about looking forward to retiring, you downplayed your plans so much that your friend thought you would be looking for things to fill your time?

friend agrees that the DH is the problem but we both know her DD will not leave

Not being harsh but then there is nothing else you can do. She is choosing to stay in this relationship.

Is there more to this back story - did she go against his wishes to get pregnant - is that why he refuses to contribute to the cost?? I just don’t understand why this lady and her mum accept this situation. Does he have any emotional attachment to the child, should social service be involved to monitor this family?

well done in sorting this out immediately OP, you have been put in an impossible position, and have handled it with dignity, despite being called selfish. You have done the right thing for you OP, and I hope you remain detached from the issue now, so you cannot by default put pulled back into the ring. Glad you and your friend have reached a status quo

I know a man who told his wife (in relation to childcare costs) that her going to work shouldn't cost him money or make him worse off financially.

He was paying all the bills while she was on mat leave and said if be was going to spend on childcare too...it wasn't worth her working.

That kind of man grinds you down in the end. I know all too well.

Be careful e-mailing her in case he sees it.

Enjoy your retirement.

You sound like a lovely friend and godmother OP

Bloody hell! Your so called friend is being outrageous!! You have no obligation whatsoever to provide free childcare - how utterly rude that they have discussed it behind your back & just assumed you'd do it!! And to call you selfish for refusing?? Words fail me. Tell them to get stuffed & enjoy your long awaited & well deserved retirement!!